"Our strength grows out of our weaknesses."

Ralph Waldo Emerson

Chapter One

" If you want to be a man, you're gonna have to prove it..."

"You've been a very naughty boy, Brendan...Brenda...Brenda...Brenda. How dare you disobey me! You'll be punished, son ..."

"Go to the bathroom..." "Don't make it worse, boy..."

Seamus. With every new sunrise, there's a new chance for me. With every new sunrise I try to forget, I try to forget so hard all the pain he's caused me. He's sick. A freak, a monster, so am I now. He infected me. There were no cure, no escape from him. He's got his claws into me. I don't know when the beatings and 'punishments' ended, because they didn't. I've been living in the darkness for all my childhood. His presence was making me weak and a vulnerable boy. There were no place to hide and I didn't even try for Cheryl's sake. Even now I can't tell her. It will destroy her. No, I will never be able to tell her the truth; she loves dad and after everything that we've been through she doesn't need to know anything about my past. Our childhood was different. But now my 'little' sis deserves some happiness. I've always looked after her and it was enough. It's always been me and her. Of course untill I met Steven. He's changed my life and I'd never been so...happy...truly happy as I'm now. I wouldn't know love the way I do, if it hadn't been for him.

All my life I've been running from my past, building up the walls that nothing couldn't hurt me. Deep down I'm still that little 8 years old boy who wakes up in the middle of the night, listening for the footsteps on hardwood floor beyond the door. I was haunted by the memories of my childhood for such a long time. I couldn't tell anyone, because it was Seamus Brady. I couldn't have said or do anything because it'd have brought reproach upon family name - Brady. I hated him. I was consumed with hatred towards him, but I couldn't do anything to defend myself. I was scared, scared of him so bad.

I heard his gravelly voice calling me again and again and I knew that he wouldn't stop doing 'this' untill his rage was gone.

I was begging him not to do it just for once, once...but he'd never listened. I don't remember 'how often' so every night I just closed my eyes and started counting between his movements "1...2...5...10..20..26...30". Through the agony and tears I was pleading him to stop, but no words came out of his mouth. I'd been screaming into my pillows, biting my tongue and scratching the trembling hands to make these cruel torments more bearable. Dad always forced me to...whether I slept or not, ...he came to my bed and all this started again.

But it doesn't matter. None of this matters anymore. The big bad wolf is dead...

I was standing in front of the door for about 20 minutes, unable to come in. Like a silly school boy who's still afraid of his monstrous dad. What he could do? Nothing.

No...no...no...no.. I have to finish this...once and for all...if I don't he will destroy our lives ...Steven...I can't loose him again. He's all I have. Without him I'm lost.

"Not even a hello to your dear dad, son?

"Seamus..."

"To what do I owe this honour?"

When I came into the room, dad was sitting down and having dinner. He sucked in a breath and then licked his fork. The way he did it made my stomach sick as the old memories were brought back. An unforgettable memories.

"What are you starring at?! What?"

I couldn't move as something was trying to stop me from doing what I'd planned. I felt nothing. I wanted to tell him, that he's the reason why I can't be fixed, why I can't be normal. Eventually I decided not to give him a satisfaction of knowing that he still has control over me. His threats are no longer have an effect on me. I'm gonna cross that line again for the last time.

"Did you forget to take your nightie, Brenda? Don't worry, you can borrow some of your sister's."

I went closer to him. One more step. The familiar scent of his cologne gave me shivers down my spine. It was everywhere. Every day I try to wash it away by water, but it still here. It got under my skin. The scent of him will stay with me, untill my last day.

Even with the mouth full of food he doesn't shut up. He turned his head to me slowly and his icy eyes looked into mine intensely.

"O...as always in a sullen mood, Brenda? You've brought shame on our family with your noisy little prat. I may pay a visit to your precious girl and...yummy...and..."

"I...I...don't...not him...keep your hands off him..."

"What? What did you say to me? So what are you gonna do, then, you little queer?" He stood up and I felt his stinking breath on my face. But I wasn't scared of him anymore. No more pain and fears, will be no more...

It's 2.30 am. It's been almost three hours since I got rid of his disgusting dead body. Hmm... if you want something done right do it yourself, now it makes a sense. All this time it had to be me. I could have finished this early. Am I relieved? How am I supposed to feel?

I didn't bury his decaying body, no, I wouldn't do that. I'm sick of the idea, that his presence would be still lingered here. I put his body on the ground and was watching as the deadly flames consumed his body. Me dad's body was slowly withering and shrivelling up, and his head blackening and charring. After the fire was out, I went straight to the club.

I was drinking on my own just like I always do. It's all in the past now. I washed his blood from my hands and poured myself another glass of whisky. I keep telling myself that the Big Bad Wolf is dead, and I'm finally free.

I have to be with Steven now, instead of drinking in here. I shouldn't be here, I have to go. I got 30 missed calls from him, but I can't go now, because I'm too drunk and it's a special night. He doesn't have to see me like this.

Steven. After everything we've been through, that I put him through, he's still by my side. I've changed only because of him. He makes me feel alive; he makes me better day by day. I'm so grateful for all the things he's taught me. He's taught me how to love. He made me a person that I've always only wanted to be. I was saved just because I was loved by him. I'm utterly in love with him. And now, when dad is no more, I can start a new happy life, together with the love of my life and his kids. Does it look like a dream after spending 28 years in the darkness?

I poured mysel one more glass of whisky and didn't mention as someone were standing behind my back. It was too late...

"We're closed, so please, just get out of my club!"

"I don't think so..."