A/N: Yaaay made it to Chapter 40! This story has grown into so much more than I'd originally thought it would. Thank you to the readers who keep up with this story and leave awesome reviews :-).
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Chapter 40: Tamako's Pain
She did, in fact, leave him. She almost couldn't believe she'd done it. She'd packed up a bag, took her twins and left with her father back to his hut.
And thats where she found herself. In her fathers hut, with two kids. She really wasn't sure what she was going to do at this point. Kouga had betrayed her, yes, but he was still her mate, her soul was bound to his.
But that betrayal, something within her wasn't sure if she could actually forgive him. And if she forgave him, she'd have to live the rest of her life dealing with Kouga's new pups with another woman, who would also be part of their lives. That constant reminder that he'd cheated on her. She wasn't sure if she could deal with that.
Then again, if she didn't, she'd have to deal with life without her mate.
And then came the problem with the kids themselves. The pups she gave Kouga were only half-demon...the pups Ayame would give him would be full fledged demons. Would anyone challenge her pups right to rule the pack because of this? Because Koichi was Kouga's oldest son, he would be the one in line to run the pack after Kouga. But, him only being half demon, if Ayame bore a son, would that be challenged? And, did Tamako even want her son to take over for Kouga?
She had no idea what to do, she was at a loss for words. She felt pretty alone in this situation, too. Her mother wasn't around to help comfort her, and her best friend Rin lived too far away now. Her father was helpful, but he could only be so helpful.
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Sleep couldn't find her that night. She couldn't just hide herself behind her closed eyelids to escape what she was feeling. She'd laid the kids down in a makeshift crib, Inuyasha promising he'd make them a proper crib in the morning. And once they were asleep, she went to try and lay in the futon. Her and the twins occupied the extra room at her fathers hut that she'd always had as a bedroom growing up. But she hadn't slept there in a long while.
Laying down to sleep, she found falling asleep easy enough. But thoughts raced through her brain, scenes playing out underneath her eyelids. Scenes of Ayame with Kouga, her catching them together, Kouga saying not so nice things to her.
One particular dream was the worst...
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She walked into the bedroom, their bedroom...the one she'd shared with Kouga. And thats where she saw them together.
He laid on top of her, in their own bed for Kami's sake! And when she walked in, Kouga only looked up at her, an annoyed look on his face.
"K-Kouga! Whats going on?" she asked.
He shook his head a little, shifting atop of Ayame, his eyes looking up at Tamako's face. "What does it look like, mutt? I've got a full wolf demon. Why would I want a half-breed over a full blooded youkai? You can only bear me half breed pups...why would I want that?" he asked, destain laden in his voice.
The words stung at her, pulled at her heart. Tears welled up in her eyes as she looked at her mate. "But...but Kouga...you loved me, right?"
"I thought I did. But I was wrong. Its done, just leave, I'm busy, wench." he said before he leaned back to press his lips against Ayame's.
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Tamako awoke with a start, sitting up fast, breathing hard. Sweat dribbled down one side of her cheek as she panted, her eyes wide. Some of her own insecurities were playing out through her dreams.
Resting her hands on the floor on either side of her, trying to catch her breath as her eyes softened. Her under kimono slowly slid down one shoulder a little as she moved. She only wore the under one to bed.
Glancing over at the twins for a second, making sure she hadn't woken them. Seeing they were still asleep before she slowly moved to her feet. Quietly, she walked out of the room. She couldn't take trying to sleep anymore.
One hand reached to fix her kimono, hugging herself a little. As she stepped out of the room, her eyes glanced towards her fathers room door. Biting her bottom lip, she walked to the door. Reaching one hand up and knocking quietly on the edge of the wood before she slowly started to open the door, glancing in at her father laying on his own futon. Ever since her mother had come back, her father always slept on a futon, rarely ever sleeping sitting up now, even though he could do it.
Without a word, quietly Tamako moved into the room, moving down to her knees and crawling towards the futon. One shaky hand reached out to touch her fathers shoulder, shaking him just a little.
The light touch made him stir, his ears twitching a little as he opened his eyes. Shifting to lay on his back, looking up at his daughter. The sight he was met with almost startled him. There she was, his strong, independent daughter. But she didn't look like that now. She looked utterly vulnerable. Her eyes held unshed tears and sadness, her fingers shook with uncertainty, and she looked scared. She looked like the vulnerable, scared child he'd remembered seeing the time the monks tried to purify her when she was still a little girl.
Shifting slowly, he opened up the sheets of his futon, signaling her to come on in.
She took the invitation. Crawling up into her fathers futon, laying on her side and moving her arms around his waist. Shifting to bury her face in the crook of his neck. And it was then that she let it out. Tears poured from her eyes as her body shook, crying against her father. Her fingers moved up, gripping his white inner haori he wore to bed tightly, gripping him as if holding on for dear life.
Feeling her body shaking as she cried, he sighed slowly. Moving his arms up to bring her into a tight hug, burying his nose in her hair and taking in a deep breath of his daughters scent. He always loved how she smelled like the perfect mixture of himself and Kagome. Smelling the hints of his mates scent on their daughter always made him feel better.
As she cried, he just held her, knowing she needed to just let it out. Gently his hands rubbed her back, trying to comfort her as much as he could. He so wanted to just tell her that it'd all be okay, that he'd make it better for her. But, in this case, he couldn't.
Thinking for a minute, he slowly hummed to her, kissing the top of her head as he cradled her against his chest a little. "Spring is coming, spring is coming, Where is spring now? Here in the mountains, here in the village, And here in the fields." he sang gently to her.
"Flowers bloom, flowers bloom, where do flowers bloom? Here in the mountains, here in the village, and here in the fields. Birds are singing, birds are singing, where do birdies sing? Here in the mountains, here in the village, and here in the fields." he sang in a very soft voice. It was a song he'd used to sing to her when she was little. A song that his mother had sung to him when he was a young pup, too. And, he'd always used to sing the only song he knew to his daughter when she was upset.
While it didn't comfort her so completely as it did when she was a child, it did help. Sniffling a little, her crying starting to calm down. Shifting to rest her cheek more against his shoulder. The collar of Inuyasha's haori was wet with her tears that still fell slowly. Reaching to wipe her eyes a little, sniffling as she looked down.
"What am I gunna do daddy?" she asked weakly.
He sighed, looking down at her. "Honestly, princess...I don't know. Kami knows if I could take this pain away from you and take it on myself, I would. Theres nothing I wouldn't do for you...you're my princess. I love you to the moon and back." he told her, hoping to comfort her a little bit more.
Nodding in response, sniffling as she cuddled up close to him, her fingers still gripping his haori. "I know...and I love you too, daddy..." she said.
"Thank you..." she whispered after a few minutes of silence. "Thank you for not killing him. And...and for stopping me, too. I was so furious, I'm still so furious...and upset..."
"I know." he said, looking down at her. Reaching one hand to gently wipe her cheek with his thumb. "I knew him dying would hurt even more. I don't want you to have any more pain..."
Nodding gently, she looked up at him before looking away, biting her bottom lip slowly. "I just...I can't help but wonder whats wrong with me. Why my mate would...would cheat on me. Is it because I'm not a full demon? Or...or was it because I was fat?" she asked, pouting.
"No. It wasn't you. Its him. Don't you dare think for one minute anything is wrong with you. You're perfect, just the way you are." he insisted, looking at her. Shifting back to bring her face out of hiding from his shoulder, making her look at him. "Promise me. Promise me right now, you won't ever think anything is wrong with you. You're too perfect. Thats your only problem, being too perfect." he insisted.
Ever since she was little, he wanted to instill in her the idea that she was perfect just the way she was. He wanted his daughter to grow up loved, feeling like she was special instead of some kind of freak. He'd grown up being treated like the outcast, and he wanted better for his daughter. Every parent wanted better for their child, and he was no different.
Her eyes looked up at him, sniffling a bit and nodding slowly. "O-Okay..."
"Okay what?"
"I promise. I won't think that anymore." she said. Sighing and closing her eyes, leaning up close to him. Resting her cheek on his shoulder again and moving to hug him tightly.
"Good." he said. Holding her against his chest, sighing a little. "Sleep baby. I'm right here. I'll chase the bad dreams away..." he promised, just like he used to when she was little and had a bad dream.
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But, it didn't work, she only half slept. Really, she'd been afraid of what would happen if she closed her eyes again. And, when the twins woke up, she took it as a welcome excuse to get out of bed, to stop trying to sleep. Most of the night she'd just been crying against her fathers chest.
Cleaning up her face a little in the bucket of water they kept in the living room just in case they needed a drink or something. Then, she walked into her room, pulling on her outer kimono before she moved to scoop her twins up carefully. It was hard picking up both of them at the same time, but she was figuring it out. And, she still wore her shorter kimonos, they were more comfortable. Well, she wore the shorter ones now that she wasn't pregnant anymore. When she was carrying the twins she tended to wear the more traditional kimonos.
Bringing them up, she looked down at them. "Whats the matter? Hungry?" she asked. Moving to sit down carefully with them to start to feed them.
While she fed the twins, her father was getting up, too. Inuyasha stood up, pulling on his red fire rat haori before he walked out. Walking outside and grabbing the bucket of water Tamako just used to clean up her face. It was getting a little empty. Taking another bucket and walking outside to fill them.
He was going to start up the day. Going to the river, he dipped both buckets in to gather water. But, as he did, he could feel someone approaching, and he knew just who it was.
Resting the buckets down on the ground, standing up straight and looking over, seeing Kouga starting to walk towards him.
"Go away, wolf. Nobody wants you here." he told Kouga.
Kouga slowly walked towards them. He'd hated being without his family. It hurt, a lot. He could barely sleep without his mate in his arms and pups in the room. Seeing Inuyasha first, he sighed. "Come on, just let me talk to her. I just want to talk to her, and see my pups..."
Inuyasha shook his head, crossing his arms across his chest. "No. No I will not. You cheated on her and hurt her. Why would I let you anywhere near my daughter?"
"Because it was a mistake and I want to make it up to her." Kouga insisted.
But, Inuyasha wasn't buying it. Shaking his head slowly. "No. You can't make this up to her. You cannot presume to fix what you've broken. Not this time."
"But I need to at least talk to her! She's my mate, damnit, you cannot keep me from her."
"She is entirely too upset, Kouga. You need to let her process and feel better." Inuyasha insisted.
He knew Inuyasha was right sort of, but it didn't mean Kouga was happy that he was right. "I need to talk to her." he repeated.
"You don't." Inuyasha answered, shaking his head and glancing back to the hut slowly. "She's too upset, Kouga. I've never seen her like this before. I think you just need to let her be, and let her figure out what she's going to do...let her come to you. You can't force it. You fucked up. And if I had my way, I'd kill you. But, sadly, I don't."
Kouga crossed his arms across his chest, glancing towards the hut. "But...I have to try. I can't just sit back and watch my life fall apart because of one stupid mistake.."
"What are you even going to do about Ayame? Hm?" Inuyasha asked.
Shrugging, Kouga glanced back to his father-in-law. "I don't know. I'm not even too sure about how true what that Yuji said was. I'll deal with that after I bring my family home. Nothing is more important than that."
"Getting your shit together and keeping your dick in your pants is more important." Inuyasha retorted, glaring at him. "You know...I would never cheat on my mate. Kagome was and is all the woman I need or want. Obviously you don't feel that way towards my daughter."
"But...I do. It was a stupid mistake. I don't even know why I did it.."
"Because you were being a horny jackass." Inuyasha provided. Reaching down to pick up the buckets of water, glaring at Kouga. "I'll tell you this one more time. Go. Away. She doesn't want to see you." he said before he started to walk back to the hut with both of the buckets.
Pushing the door to one side with his shoulder as he walked in, resting the buckets down. He hoped Kouga took his advice and just left his daughter alone for a while.
When he heard a noise, he glanced up to see Tamako walking out of the bedroom with the twins. Smiling to her just a little. "Morning, princess." he said.
Tamako nodded to him, shifting the twins a little bit. Moving to lay them down on the blanket they'd been laying on yesterday, smiling just a bit down to them. "Morning daddy.." she said, sighing a bit. "Did I hear Kouga outside?" she asked, glancing at him.
"You did. But I sent him away. Or, told him to go away. He's still outside though..."
A sigh came from her lips, closing her eyes just halfway as she looked down at her pups. "I should probably talk to him, huh..." she wondered out loud.
"Not if you don't want to, not right now at least. I told him you might need some space.."
Shrugging a bit, she looked up at her father. "Can you watch the pups for a minute?" she asked. When her dad nodded, she stood up and slowly walked towards the front door. Pushing the bamboo door to one side and stepping out, looking up to see Kouga still standing where he'd been when Inuyasha was outside.
Crossing her arms tightly across her chest to hug herself, she bit her bottom lip as she slowly started to walk closer to him. Though, she stopped just out of arms reach, not looking at him.
"You...should probably listen to my father."
"I can't do that.." Kouga said, looking down at her. "I can't just leave you here and stop trying. So long as I breath I will never stop trying to fix this mistake I've made..."
"You can't fix it.." she said. Her eyes slowly looked up to meet his, biting her bottom lip just slowly. "Theres nothing you can do to fix this."
Gripping his hands into light fists, seeing the look in her eyes. He could tell she'd been crying, her eyes were red and puffy from tears, and the look in her eyes told him as much. "I have to try. You are my mate, Tamako...I can't give up on that, give up on us."
"I don't even know if there is an us anymore, Kouga. For there to be an us, I have to trust you. And Frankly...I don't. Not one single bit."
"I don't blame you...I wouldn't trust me either after this.." he said.
"Then how do you expect me to trust you if you wouldn't even trust you?"
Again he shrugged. "I'm not sure. We can work on this, together..."
"Why don't you just go and take Ayame? Thats what you want, isn't it? She can give you full blooded youkai pups. She's a wolf like you too. She doesn't have a father that you hate."
"Kami, you think thats what this is about? Replacing you? I could never replace you. It happened once, and it'll never happen again. It was a mistake. She was the mistake, not you." he said. Stepping up to close the gap between them and lightly resting his hands over her shoulders. He was careful not to grip them or hold her too hard, he didn't want to make her move away from him.
Her eyes looked up to meet his, nodding slowly. "It is what its about. What else could it be about?"
"Thats not it. I love you, I love our pups. I miss them. And...and I don't hate your father. Old habits die hard." he told her.
"If thats not what it was about then tell me, what was it about? Why'd you do it? I trusted you, with everything I had. And you did this...why?" she asked.
He wasn't quite sure how to answer her question. But, he knew he had to. "Truth? I was being an idiot. She...she was talking and pushing and I was just idiot enough to fall for it. I wasn't thinking. And I surely wasn't thinking she'd get pupped..."
"So...are you more upset about the fact that you got caught?"
"No no no no. No, I'm upset at the fact that I fucked up. I fucked up and it might have cost me the three things that mean the most to me. You. Sayuri. Koichi. I can't loose you...please, come home Tamako..." he asked, almost begged. Looking down at her, his eyes pleading with her to come back.
But, she shook her head. "I can't come home. At least not now. You realize the entire pack knows you cheated on me? And you realize that I can't trust you as much as I'd thought I could? I can't be there...I just can't."
"Then I'll build you a home outside of the den. Anything. The den is not home without you and our pups..."
Turning her eyes away from his, casting them downwards a little. "Please Kouga, I can't even think about coming back to you right now. So much is swimming around in my head. I just...I can't do this. I can't face this. No matter what, I thought I could count on you. But, apparently I was wrong. I was picturing this amazing future in my head of us. But...I'm not too sure how we get to that happy ending. How exactly we get to that future I saw in Tokyo. That house, those kids, all of it. I can't...I can't even imagine that anymore. And it scares me. You're supposed to be my mate, we're supposed to be soul bonded. If I can't trust you...who can I trust?" she asked.
Gently his fingers gripped her shoulders, only just gently though. "We will have an amazing future, koi. You just have to come back to me. I know you don't trust me...and...I'm okay with re-earning that trust. What is it you wish me to do? Anything, name it and its yours."
A light laugh came from her. But, it was not a happy laugh, it was a sad one. "You promised that same thing to me when I told you to send Ayame away. Instead you rutted her. Yeah I'm really going to trust that right now." she said sarcastically, rolling her eyes.
Reaching up, she wiped her eyes slowly, catching the stray tears that had only just begun to fall down her cheeks.
The sight of her tears made his heart wrench in his chest. He hated seeing women cry, especially his mate. And so far, this was their first big fight. Sure they'd had small squabbles, but she'd never left him before. And he knew he deserved it.
He took in a deep breath, reaching one hand to brush his finger underneath her chin, bringing her face up to look at him. "I'll spend the rest of my life making this up to you. But...I refuse to just leave you be. You are my mate. You belong with me. I love you more than anything. I have for a long, long time. And that'll never change. I just...hope you can find it in yourself to forgive me. I am not a man who gives up what he wants without a fight, Tamako. I will fight for you in any way that it takes."
Leaning his head down, he brushed his nose against hers. Seeing that she didn't instantly pull away, his lips brushed hers in a soft kiss.
When he leaned back, her eyes were closed halfway and she took in a breath. "Its just going to take some time. I have to deal with this. I have to learn to trust you again. I can't do that over night. And you are not off the hook. I am beyond angry with you. You clean up your mess. This is one mess I won't clean up after you. Go. Talk to Ayame. Figure it out. And then let me know how I fit into all of this. And I'll tell you if I accept that place or not." she said in as calm of a voice as she could muster.
"No matter what, your place will always be by my side. I...wish you would come home with me..."
"Thats just not going to happen, okay? Not today. I don't know if ever. We'll see. I told you, what you've broken can't be fixed that easily." she told him.
"Can...can I at least see the pups?" he asked.
Swallowing a little at his words and taking in a deep breath before she nodded a little. "Yeah. For a minute. You go and see them, and I'm going to go take a bath. You can stay with them until I get back. I...I don't want our pups to suffer from this. You fucked up, but I don't want that to reflect on them. A child deserves both parents. Our decisions concerning our pups are to remain completely separate from our decisions concerning each other. We do whats best for them, regardless on what we want, or what we think is best for us." she told him.
He nodded in agreement. "Good. I don't want my pups growing up without me, even for a little bit. I love them...they're a piece of me...its like...its like..." he started, not quite able to finish the thought.
"Its like having your heart on the outside of your body. At least, thats what my dad used to tell me. And I believe him, its true. We both only want whats best for them. I get that." she finished for him.
Kouga listened to her words and nodded to her. "Its exactly like that. Its a weird feeling, but a good one. Last night I...I hated not having them in our room. It felt so weird. I missed them..." he said. Looking at her, he leaned down and placed a chaste kiss on her cheek. "Now go. You take your bath, and I will go watch the pups." he insisted, letting go of her shoulders and starting to walk towards the hut.
She watched as he disappeared into the hut, letting out a deep sigh she hadn't realized she'd been holding before she made her way towards the hut herself. Only going in, getting her bathing supplies and a fresh kimono before heading out towards the springs that was nearby the hut.
She had a lot to think over. And her life would be anything but easy for a long while.
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A/N: The song Inuyasha sang is a traditional Japanese song called "Spring has come." Its a small little connection between this story and my "Parenthood" story :-).