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Chapter 43: Crawling
She tried to ignore the sinking feeling in her gut all afternoon, all through dinner and putting the pups down for bed. But Tamkao couldn't. She wanted to talk to Kouga, and he seemed to want to just put it off. Which, wasn't a good sign in her eyes.
But finally, the pups were in bed, it was getting dark out, and it was around the usual time that Kouga went back to the den. And, Tamako was determined to get her answers out of him.
They walked outside together after putting the pups to bed, and she stopped just outside the door of the hut, looking up at him.
"So?" she asked.
Kouga looked down at her and sighed, shaking his head. "Must we do this now?"
"We've put it off all afternoon. I'm not letting you leave without knowing." she said, crossing her arms across her chest and looking up at him.
He took in a deep breath, looking down at his mate, seeing the look on her face, telling him that her decision would not be swayed. So, they would have this out right now.
Gently he moved to take her arm, walking a little away from the hut so Inuyasha couldn't eavesdrop, and to make sure their pups did not hear. He had a feeling he would hear Tamako yelling at him before the conversation was over. Because he knew that she would not like what he had to say.
Once they reached the river, he let go of her, turning to her and moving his hands up to rest on her shoulders. Leaning down and kissing her softly, brushing his nose against his, letting out a sigh.
The kiss confused her, but she went with it anyway. Kissing him back just softly before she leaned back, looking at his face. "Kougaa..I don't like this. What did you decide?"
"I decided that we're raising Isao. Ayame will bring him to the den, and you will be his mother. At least, be his mother in the way it counts. You'll raise him as our son. We will. Together." he told her.
A growl slowly formed in her throat, gripping her arms still tightly crossed across her chest. "That was not an option, Kouga. No. No I will not. I will not raise that bitches kid! Much less treat him like he's my own! I get that its not the kids fault that his mother is a slut, thats fine. But, I can't do it."
Kouga raised a growl from his throat right back, almost reprimanding her. "You do not question my decisions. And you will listen to me. You're my woman, I am the alpha here. I will not let my decisions go second guessed by you! If I let you second guess my decisions, then the entire den will start doing so."
"I don't belong to you, Kouga. I'm my own person. I seem to recall when you told me about your traditions that your mate isn't just told to sit down and shut up, but are an active participant in your decisions. What happened to that? Wheres my choice?"
He shook his head. "They are an active participant. You are. But, my word is final. You will listen to me, Tamako. And I'm tired of this shit. Tired of you living out here instead of at home where you belong. You do belong to me, you're mine. And I will have you and our pups at home."
Gripping her hands into tight fists, her eyes flashed a dangerous red before back to their normal color, glaring up at him. "No. I do not belong to you. I choose to be with you. I am not property you can control. Your word is not final, and I will have a say in my life!" she said, raising her voice a little as she got angrier.
Kouga shook his head. "You will listen to me. You don't have to like my decision, but you will respect it and listen. You hear me?"
The more he spoke, the angrier she got. "How dare you treat me like that. There was no discussing this, you did not take my opinion into consideration at all here. I'm sorry, Kouga, but I will not be your bitch. I will not roll over and 'yes Sir' you. No. You do not own me. My father raised me to be a strong, independent woman, and I'll be just that. No way am I going to raise the child you created with another woman. Nope. I will not have him around my kids either."
"You have no say in this matter. You'll raise him, you'll come home, and thats final." he declared.
"Fuck that." she said, looking up at his face. Bringing her arms down, her hands letting her arms go, resting them at her sides, her fingers gripped into tight fists. "Go. Get the fuck away from me. Oh, and don't come back. Go, raise your little family with the slut. Leave mine alone. We don't need you."
Her words dug at him, but he didn't believe she meant them. "You will not take my pups from me."
"I'm not doing this! I'm protecting me and my pups. Someone in this relationship has to. I'll raise my pups the way I see fit. Go raise your own. Leave us be. I want nothing to do with you. Nothing." she said, trying to keep her voice blank, but her voice was deeper than usual, the voice of her demon trying to escape her body.
"You...you can't mean that..." he said, moving up one hand to rest on her shoulder.
But, she shrugged her shoulder away, pulling back from him, glaring up at him. "I mean what I say. I will not be treated like property. And I will not let you walk all over me. If you wanted a woman that would let you walk all over her, you've picked the wrong one. Because I'm not it. And I will not accept this. I told you your choices, and you've chosen the wrong one. Goodbye, Kouga." she told him.
He stood there in awe, looking at her, shaking his head slowly. "Tamako...you can't...you couldn't mean. We're mates! We're bound, for life, like it or not. You belong to me regardless on what you say. You're my woman. And you will listen to me."
"No, I will not bow. You cannot have this both ways. I just...I can't do this." she told him, turning her head away, trying to calm herself down.
"We were fine before she showed up! You were slowly starting to come home weren't you? You were thinking about it, I know it, I know you. I love you, you can't mean what you're saying." he said. Moving up closer to her, resting his hands on her cheeks and making her look up at him.
She did look up at him, but she shook her head, leaning her head away. "No, don't touch me..." she said. Sighing a little, looking down. "I was thinking about it, yeah. I miss being home. I miss what we were. But I don't know if we can have that back now." she said, turning her eyes back up to him.
"Of course we can." he said, dropping his hands down, sighing a bit. "You just have to accept that Isao is going to be raised with our pups."
A growl came from her throat that she couldn't contain, closing her eyes tightly, trying to control the rage building up inside her. "No. I don't. I don't have to accept anything. I will not budge on this. Now go, get out. I want nothing to do with you." she said. It hurt her too, but she couldn't just allow him to treat her like that, and she couldn't raise the pup he'd created with Ayame.
"I will not abandon my family! You, Koichi and Sayuri are my family, my life."
"Then why do you pick a whore?!" she half yelled. Her eyes snapped open and she glared up at him. As her eyes opened, he could see the red starting to bleed through the whites of her eyes. Though, he knew those eyes. Her youkai was coming out, but enough to where Tamako still had control.
"I'm not picking her!" he yelled right back, growling. Moving to grasp her shoulders, gripping them tightly so she could not move. "I'm picking you! I'm picking my blood, my family. Isao is part of that."
She growled at him as he touched her shoulders, attempting to move back, but he only gripped her harder. "I don't give a fuck what blood he has. I cannot live my life taking care of a kid that reminds me of your betrayal! Every time I look at that kid, I'll remember. I'll remember that while I was pregnant you were off rutting in the woods with a whore! I'll remember that you came back and got into MY bed afterwards! I'll remember that you lied about it, lied to me and my father. I'll see that every time I see that kid. I cannot live like that! Its hard enough for me to trust you again."
His hold tightened on her shoulders as she moved more, his claws slightly digging into her. Pulling her to stand up straight and closer to her, looking at her face. "You will listen to me. I am your alpha, you will accept that, or I will teach you to accept that."
"Oh go ahead I'm so scared of the big bad wolf." she teased, growling deeply at him as she felt his grip tighten on her shoulders. "What? You gunna hit me? I dare you. Hit me and see how fast I rip your arm off."
"Kami I'm not going to fucking hit you."
"Then how are you gunna show me you're my alpha? Huh?" she asked, glaring up at him.
He growled at her, bearing his fangs a little as he gripped her shoulders. Some youkai tended to hit their women if their dominance was challenged. But, he wouldn't be one of those men, he couldn't. But that left him not too sure on how he would set her straight.
Gripping her shoulders tightly, his claws slightly digging into her skin through her kimono. He'd never gotten really rough with her before, and they rarely, if ever, fought.
He didn't answer her, not by speaking. Instead, he pushed her back, shoving her harshly up against a tree, making her take in a breath, leaning down and pressing his lips to hers in a rough kiss, growling at her.
She gasped as he pushed her back, growling as she glared up at him. She didn't even notice the pain in her shoulders she was so angry.
Feeling her back pressing against the tree, she glared up at him, the red still in her eyes, getting darker as purple jagged lines started moving across her cheeks. But, so far, those were the only two changes she was showing. She'd learned to control her demon pretty well. But, sometimes it threatened to consume her entire being, especially now. The rage bubbling in her blood threatened to take over. And sometimes, she wanted it to, especially when it came to Kouga's infidelity. It made her mind weak to the demon blood coursing through her veins, and it offered her an easy out, a way to forget about the pain she almost constantly felt when reminded of what he'd done.
But, when he pressed his lips against hers, this time, she didn't kiss him back. Instead she growled into his kiss louder, leaning up and moving her lips open. Not to kiss him, though. She bit down on his bottom lip, her fangs drawing blood, causing him to whine a bit, but he did not flinch back.
He continued to kiss her. Moving one hand up, he gripped the side of her neck, pulling her so she was standing straight without choking her.
Though she continued to dig her fangs into his bottom lip, growling. Both hands moved up to rest on his chest, pushing on it, trying to push him away from her.
She could taste his blood as it dribbled into her mouth from her fangs, and it made her take in a breath. Her demonic energy pulsed at the taste, her eyes opening wide. Slowly, the red of her eyes started to leak into the golden brown orbs it surrounded. She was losing control, quickly. And, she had to think fast.
So, her solution was to raise her knee, kneeing him in the groin as hard as she could, causing him to lean back so she let his lip go.
Two things happened. He moved his hand to cup himself, gasping hard at the pain in his groin. Moving to rest one hand against the tree, leaning against it and closing his eyes tightly, the growl in his throat still ever present.
And she moved away from him, falling to the ground on her hands and knees, gasping for air. Quickly she spit, spitting blood out of her mouth and onto the ground as she struggled to gain control of the demon within her. Kouga wasn't the only one bleeding, either. She was too. Where he'd gripped her shoulders, small lines of blood started to leak from the puncture wounds, staining her kimono around the holes. But, it wasn't severe.
Slowly she started to crawl away, coughing and spitting as much as she could. Crawling up to the river just by them, she leaned to start bringing water up to her mouth, trying to wash the blood away to maybe control the demon within her.
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They both remained silent for quite a few minutes. He was trying to regain himself, and she was trying to compress the demon energy back into her body.
Crawling in my skin
These wounds they will not heal
Fear is how I fall
Confusing what is real
After her mouth was washed out, she moved to fall onto the ground, rolling onto her back, her eyes looking up at the sky, tears rimming them. She almost looked broken as she laid there, staring up into the darkening sky, being able to see the stars twinkle in the darkness, her eyes closed just halfway. The red remained in the whites of her eyes, while the pupils were still a golden brown, a bit of red leaked into them, and then another color raising to the surface to fight, a dark brown color. All three of her forms colors reigned through her eyes, the red being the most visible.
There's something inside me that pulls beneath the surface
Consuming, confusing
This lack of self-control I fear is never ending
Controlling. I can't seem...
And she laid there, staring up at the sky, breathing hard, the battle within her raging on between her two halves that made her a whole.
She was so quiet, Kouga looked up once he'd gathered himself, looking towards her laying there. "T-Tamako..?" he asked.
Though, she didn't answer, she didn't even look at him. Her eyes remained up on the sky, closing just halfway.
'Let me rip them to shreds. I'll make it go away, I promise...'
She heard her demonic voice in her head, beckoning her. Slowly her fingers moved to grip the ground beneath her, her claws digging into the soft soil.
Her biggest mistake? Probably leaving her sword in the hut, away from her grasp. The sword that held a tight seal on her demonic blood. She'd been learning to live with it, control it, so she didn't completely feel the need for it anymore. So most of the time it was within the hut, or close enough to her but she didn't need it. But, now she did.
When she didn't answer him, slowly he moved towards her, wincing a little bit, trying to get over the pain. Moving down onto his knees, he leaned over her a little, looking at her face, seeing the look in her eyes. She looked so lost, he could almost watch the war that was going on inside her through her eyes. "T-Tamako..?" he asked. Slowly reaching one hand to rest on her cheek, running his thumb over her skin.
To find myself again
My walls are closing in
(without a sense of confidence and I'm convinced that there's just too much pressure to take)
I've felt this way before
So insecure
Her eyes moved, looking up at Kouga when she felt his hand on her skin. Tears moved from her eyes, and since she was laying down they trickled down over her temples and dripped onto the ground beneath her.
"Don't." was the only word she said, lightly moving her head to move his hand off her cheek. Her voice even sounded weird, a mixture between her demon voice and her regular voice.
This time, he listened. Moving his hand away from her cheek, resting it on the ground next to her head. "I'm sorry...I shouldn't have done that..." he said. He should have known Tamako wasn't like ordinary demon women. Her demon could be out of control. But, her demon usually submit to him, so he thought it would in this case too.
And, she didn't answer him. When his hand moved, her head moved to look back up at the sky, tears still moving along her cheeks. She didn't know what to say, or even how to form words.
"Listen to me..." he said, sighing as he looked at her face. Really, he wasn't sure what to do at all. She wasn't even really looking at him, and he had no idea of the internal battle going on within her.
Looking up, he glanced towards the hut. Inuyasha was there...he'd surely know what to do. But he hated going to Inuyasha for help, and he also didn't like what Inuyasha would say when he saw Tamako like this, but he had to try. He really would do anything for them, even ask the one man he hated for help.
He stood up, wincing a bit. He was still in pain, she'd kneed him pretty hard. But, it was fading. He was a demon after all, and while it still hurt to be kicked or kneed there, he healed a lot quicker than any human. Walking up to the hut, he took in a breath and pushed the door to one side, looking in at Inuyasha.
"Inuyasha...can you...can you come help Tamako?" Kouga asked.
Inuyasha had heard them fighting, sure. But he hadn't been paying attention. He thought his daughter could handle it, and he had no idea what had gone on. Looking up from his place by the fire when he heard Kouga approach. "Help with what?" he asked, instantly becoming worried.
Standing up, Inuyasha didn't wait for Kouga's answer. Pushing past him and out the door, looking towards the lake where his daughter laid on the ground. "The fuck did you do wolf?" he asked with a growl.
"I made a mistake..." Kouga said.
Discomfort endlessly has pulled itself upon me
Distracting, reacting
Against my will I stand beside my own reflection
It's haunting how I can't seem...
Tamako laid there on the ground. And she suddenly felt more hands on her shoulder. Turning her attention to looking up, she saw her fathers face above hers, seeing his lips moving, but she didn't hear a word he was saying.
And this worried Inuyasha, a lot. Resting his hands on her shoulders lightly, gently shaking her. "Tamako? Kami...Kami Tamako please answer me." he said. But she didn't even seem like she could hear him wherever she was.
Looking up at Kouga, growling. "I'll deal with you later. You, go inside and get her sword. Its sitting against the wall by her room. Now." he ordered.
Kouga was not one to follow orders, but then he did. Going inside quickly, he grabbed the sword that sat there in its sheath, walking back outside and to his mate and her father. Offering the sword to Inuyasha, he stayed standing, looking down at Tamako.
Inuyasha snatched the sword from his hands, bringing it up and taking Tamako's hands. Bringing her fingers to enclose around the sword and hold it, making sure both hands had a firm grasp on the weapon.
Looking down at his daughter, he hoped it would work. "Come on...come back to us, Tamako..."
"Whats wrong with her?" Kouga asked curiously.
At that, Inuyasha growled, glaring at him. "She's fighting her demon blood for control. My fathers demon blood was strong. Too strong. Sometimes we can't handle it like a full demon like Sesshoumaru could. Because of you she's fighting for control. If her demon wins? Well, a lot of people are going to die. I'm not even sure if we can completely stop her if her demon wins..."
"So...what do you propose we do if it does win?" Kouga asked.
"Kill her. Thats the only way she'll stop. But..but I cannot, and will not kill my daughter." Inuyasha replied. Looking down at Tamako, he sighed a little. Resting one hand on her cheek, wiping away the tears with his thumb slowly.
"Come back to us princess. Come on, you are strong."
To find myself again
My walls are closing in
(without a sense of confidence and I'm convinced that there's just too much pressure to take)
I've felt this way before
So insecure
Slowly her eyes focused, the colors still dancing around in her head. Looking up at her father slowly, actually able to hear his words, but they were faint. "D-Daddy?" she asked softly.
Inuyasha smiled and nodded. "Yeah baby girl, I'm right here. Come on. Can you sit up?" he asked.
She nodded. Shifting to slowly sit up with her fathers help. His arm moved down and around her shoulders to help bring her up, his other hand keeping hers on her sword.
A smile came over his face as he leaned to kiss her temple slowly. "Thats my girl." he said. He couldn't believe his daughter was nineteen, a mother, and having such problems with her life. He never wanted her to face such things, he only wanted the best for his little girl.
When she sat up, Kouga sighed in relief. Moving to kneel in front of her, looking up at her face. "Thank kami. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have pushed it..." he said.
Her eyes looked up at him, the mixture of colors still dancing within them. Slowly she shook her head. "You should go.." she said, swallowing hard. Her throat felt raw.
Nodding slowly, he smiled a bit to her. The wound on his lip hadn't quite healed yet, but it wasn't bleeding anymore. It'd heal over night for sure. "Alright...I'll be back in the morning..."
"No." she said, leaning into her fathers chest a little, curling up against him, bringing her sword against her chest.
"No? What do you mean no?" he asked.
Tamako looked up at him, shaking her head. "I mean no. You won't be back in the morning. You...you won't be back for a while. I...I can't take this. The more you push me, the more my demon wants to push back. I can not. Please, just go. Stay gone. I...I don't want to see you anymore." she said, possibly the hardest words she'd ever spoken.
He couldn't believe her words, and he shook his head, moving closer to her.
But, Inuyasha stopped him. Holding his arm out, glaring at Kouga and growling. "You heard her. Go. Leave her alone. You've fucked up, be a man and face the consequences. She doesn't want to see you, so I suggest you leave my daughter the fuck alone before I beat some sense into you."
"I can't just do that! They're my family." he said, looking at Inuyasha before looking back to Tamako. "You're my family. Tamako please don't do this..."
"But I am." she said, her voice getting weaker. Closing her eyes halfway, she sighed, leaning into her fathers chest. "Just leave me alone Kouga. I...I don't want to see you, hear from you, hear your voice, anything. I can't do this. I had a hard enough time learning to trust you again before, I can't do it again."
"But...but I didn't do anything wrong this time." Kouga pleaded.
She shook her head, growling a bit. "But you did!" she said, her voice picking up, her fingers gripping her sword tighter as she shot a glare Kouga's way. "You agreed, without my consent, that I would raise your and Ayame's pup! I will not do that!"
Inuyasha growled, glaring at Kouga too. "You agreed to what now?" he asked. Yeah he'd heard the argument, but didn't pay attention to it. He'd tried to let them have privacy.
"This is none of your business." Kouga told Inuyasha.
But, Inuyasha disagreed. "Oh hell yes it is my business. Thats my daughter you're fucking around with. You'll understand when Sayuri is older. If some demon broke your daughters heart, what would you do?"
Kouga growled. "They wouldn't dare. I'd rip them to pieces."
"Exactly." Inuyasha said, growling warningly.
There's something inside me that pulls beneath the surface consuming,
Confusing what is real.
This lack of self-control I fear is never ending controlling,
Confusing what is real.
Tamako heard them arguing and sighed, closing her eyes tightly as she gripped her sword. "STOP!" she said, her voice huskier than normal.
Both men stopped talking and turned their heads to look at her. Slowly she opened her eyes, the golden brown color back in her pupils, and the red getting lighter. Looking up at Kouga slowly.
"I've made my decision. And...and that decision is...I...I'm done. I'm done with this, with whatever the hell this is. For now anyway. I need to heal, to have time to just be a mom. I love you, I do...but I can't be with you, I just...I can't..." she said slowly. Sighing a little, she looked down.
He was dumbfounded. He'd been so close to getting his family back. "What...what if...what if I...I change my mind? What if I won't raise Isao?"
But Tamako shook her head. "I can't. You did this, this was your fault. We were perfect and then you had to go cheat on me. I can't. Not now..."
"What about the pups? Can I still see them?" he asked.
A sigh came from her lips and she shrugged. "I don't know. If you do, it won't be with me. I need you to go away, I need you to leave me be. I'll figure out something, but right now you just need to go..." she said. Slowly looking up at her father with pleading eyes.
Inuyasha looked at his daughter, nodding slowly. "Its okay." he told her, looking up to Kouga. "You better go. Now. I'll come by and tell you her decisions within the next few days. Just...just don't come back here for a while, 'kay?" he asked.
Kouga stared at them, nodding just a little before he looked down. He didn't even want to move.
Inuyasha sighed, moving to stand up, picking Tamako up bridal style with him. "Come on, lets get you cleaned up and into bed. You need a good nights sleep." he said to her, walking her back towards the hut as he cradled his daughter against his chest. He hated seeing her in so much pain and not being able to do anything about it.
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A/N: Soo, I turned this into another semi songfic :-p. The song is "Crawling" by Linkin' Park. And noo, I don't own the song or any rights to it. Just to cover my own self.
But, I just thought this song depicted the feeling I wanted to convey in this chapter. The fight within Tamako over all that'd happened. I did chop the song up a bit so I used most of it, but not all of it. Hope you all enjoy!