10571. Pets (Part II)

It's been a long time since I first decided to hide Bingo in the library, and I'd say the whole secrecy thing had a good run, but I always knew this was inevitable: yesterday, Nasch found out about Bingo. Well, actually, Durbe found him first, but he tattled on me so quickly that I didn't even realize what was happening before Nasch stormed into my room, livid. He was all like, "I told you to get rid of that thing I-don't-know-how-many years ago," so I told him it was somewhere around two thousand and he flipped out. He must have been having a worse-than-usual day, because the damage in this case has kind of already been done, but he just went nuts, ranting and raving about how I've got to respect his authority. It was actually a little weird, to be honest, so I started to get the feeling that something was up.

Turns out Merag had another freaky vision of the world falling apart, so Nasch was a little on edge. There still hasn't been any evidence of this global doom actually happening yet, but if the local prophetess has the same dream twice, you know you're in trouble. I personally couldn't care less if the world gets destroyed, but I can see why that would be a problem for others.

Anyway, Nasch was so out of control that Alito managed to hear him from three rooms away and got all the others to come to my room, presumably to watch us duke it out. But by the time they all got there, Nasch's anger had kind of fizzled out, so there wasn't anything interesting for them to see. They did, however, arrive just in time to hear Nasch gripe that out of all the troublemakers around here, I am the only one that he would never want to have a pet, ever.

They apparently took that to mean that they're all allowed to have crazy exotic pets.

Now, don't get me wrong: I love chaos. I revel in it like Hector rolling around in a field of flowers. But this... it just got to be too much.

Alito, not surprisingly, was the first one to go totally overboard on this stupid idea. He started prowling around the Great Plains, and when questioned, he'd say that he was going to catch a lion to have as a pet. Of course, we all knew there was no way that was gonna happen, but we let him go. I'm pretty sure we were all either looking forward to or curious about how badly he'd fail. I personally bet the lion would eat him; Merag guessed he'd end up with a couple of pretty bad scratches. Turns out he couldn't even find one, so he ended up bringing back a monkey instead. I thought it was appropriate.

Girag's choice of pet was considerably less creative; he found a raccoon picking through the garbage and decided to take it in. I mean, it's like he didn't even try. If you're gonna p*ss off Nasch, you gotta go all the way.

Durbe didn't really want a pet at first, because he still legitimately respects Nasch's leadership, but Merag eventually cajoled him into getting one somehow. I'm not sure what kind of rational explanation she bribed him with, but it must have been a pretty good one to get Sir Bores-alot to try something slightly mischievous. Now, I really don't know what went into the process of finding a pet for him, since I don't (always) make it my business to stalk Durbe, but he came into the palace one day leading a white, stumpy, unbelievably fat Shetland pony behind him on a leash. And he did it with a completely straight face, so I actually respected him a little bit more because of that. But only a little bit. Mostly I was just laughing at the fat pony.

Obviously, Mizael didn't get a pet; I mean, he's got a flipping dragon. So that left only Merag, and I hate to admit it, but she did a mighty fine job picking a pet that would totally tick Nasch off. Unfortunately, it ended up ticking me off, too, so this is where we get to the real reason for this point.

One day, totally out of the blue, she brought home a penguin. Yes, that's right; a freaking penguin.

Now, the flightless bird itself wasn't the problem. Aside from making weird squawking noises and being generally fluffy and adorable, the thing wasn't that much of a bother. But penguins apparently require a lot of very specific environmental factors in order to remain healthy, so Merag decided those requirements had to be met.

I woke up the next morning to a winter wonderland inside the palace, complete with snow-covered firs and ice-covered floors. I had to ice-skate just to get to the bathroom. It was a total bloody disaster. And to top it all off, the freaking monkey, raccoon, and pony were sliding around everywhere, screeching, neighing, and... making whatever noises raccoons make. Bingo and Hector were both scared to leave the library, and after an hour or two, I had a splitting headache and some murderous inclinations. Nothing got done that day, and Nasch eventually got so fed up that all of the animals (except Bingo) were rudely evicted.

So, even though Nasch and I both felt the brunt of this one, it was his slip-up that ultimately led to the Menagerie of Disaster, so he's getting a point.

10572. Tentacles

Now, it's been a while since anything weird's happened around here. And by "weird," I don't mean the type of weird as seen in Point 10571: that's more like normal idiocy. I mean the type of weird that is truly strange, almost verging on the this-should-not-be-possible type of weird. It's been at least a couple of years since we've had anything of that level going on. But today, well… what happened today was f***ing weird. Not gonna lie.

I was wandering around the shores of the Sea of Ill Intent, minding my own business, when something... slimy suddenly grabbed my leg. Now, I'm a pretty emotionally stoic guy, and it takes a whole heck of a lot to freak me out. I reacted calmly; I totally did not scream like a girl and writhe around in the sand, yelling "get-it-off-get-it-off-oh-my-Don-Thousand-get-it-off!" Anyone who tells you I did is a LIAR.

Anyway, upon further calm and collected inspection, I discovered that the thing grabbing my leg was a long, black tentacle. Whatever it was attached to was still hidden by the water- er, acid, and frankly, I wanted it to stay there. But unfortunately, it started using my leg to pull itself out and up onto the beach. Now, I want to state again, for the record, that I did not scream like a little girl when a big black glob of mystery material slid out of the acid like some kind of disgusting oil spill.

Luckily, as soon as the thing made it onto the beach, it let go of my leg and kind of flopped around, the black, jelly-like substance eventually condensing into something resembling a head, arms, legs, and torso. After a couple of tense minutes, silent except for the gross squelching sounds the thing was making as it metamorphosed, I found myself face-to-face with the freakiest little pitch-black kid with tentacles I have ever seen. Okay, the only little pitch-black kid with tentacles I have ever seen.

Surprisingly, he (it?) was able to speak Barian-ese (though not very well). Actually, he was so bad that I had to listen to him tell me his "hovercraft [was] full of eels" five times before I managed to get the word "name" through his thick, squishy skull. Apparently, he calls himself "Black Mist," which is really the most flattering description of his inky tentacles that I can imagine. It took him about twenty minutes to tell me that he wanted to see Nasch, at which point I was only too happy to drop him off on his slimy hide in the throne room and promptly get the heck away from there to deep-clean my fingernails and take a shower hot enough to burn eggs.

I assumed Mist would go back to the hell-hole he crawled out of after talking to his tentacle-headed distant relative, but I went to supper that day to find him sitting at the table with an impish grin on his face, chatting it up with Hector in very broken but much improved Barian-ese. When I questioned why in the freaking frack the disgusting little Jellyfish from the Black Lagoon was still defiling our living space, Nasch told me it was because he's going to be staying with us for a few days. Apparently, Merag said he's going to play some kind of role in Barian World's future fate, so we should be nice to him, but honestly, I do not give a rat's hairy a$$; I just want the freaky thing OUT. OF. HERE. *shudder*

But since no one ever agrees with me, Mist is staying. And that means a big ole point for you-know-who.

10573. Awkward Question

Alright, so it's been, what, eight years? Since I first got Hector out of the Barian crystal, I mean. So that makes him eighteen, right? I honestly keep forgetting, because he still acts like a freaking twelve-year-old. He finally looks exactly like me, but he's still so clumsy that there's no way I'd be able to pass him off as me, at least not around any of the other Emperors. I guess he'll make a useful body double if I ever need to dupe a naive stranger with the intelligence of a goat.

Anyway, I say all that to tell you that Hector really isn't a little kid anymore. So he shouldn't be asking the kinds of dumb questions that little kids ask. But, as I'm sure you're well aware by now, nothing in my life ever follows such standard rules of the universe as what 'should' be.

This one is actually Mist's fault; he and Hector apparently got to talking. The little tentacle-creature is a first class troublemaker, so I'm sure he was plotting this from the beginning, the slimy twerp. Hector mentioned his 'daddy' in conversation, and the Evil Jellyfish immediately asked the one question I'd successfully struggled to keep anyone from asking him for eight years: "who your mother is?" (His grammar's still terrible.)

Naturally, Hector didn't know. And I wasn't about to tell him, either. Even though he technically doesn't have a mother, I did have to use a skin cell from Merag to create him... it's a sad fact that I've frankly been trying to forget. And even though he may not act very mature, Hector has my brains, so he knows that his mitochondria had to come from somewhere. Normally, this would be a very easy problem to solve: I could just refuse to tell him. However, circumstances at the time were not exactly ideal.

Hector decided to ask me who his mother was in front of all of the others.

As soon as the words were out of his mouth, I could feel Nasch's eyes on me. He was so suspicious, it hurt. Obviously, there was no way I'd live to see another second if I told Hector the truth, and my chances of making it until morning were not good if I dodged the question. I knew I had to lie, but if I just named some random woman, Nasch, in his paranoia, would undoubtedly investigate. And that could have been troublesome.

Under significant pressure, I went with the first thing that came to mind. So I told Hector that his "mommy" was actually Mizael.

I could've weighed my options a little more before I did that, I think. Eh, hindsight is 20/20, amirite?

Anyway, Hector's intelligence must come and go in spurts, because he actually believed me and ran over to give a certain steaming dragon tamer a hug. Well, in his defense, I think we all, deep down, harbor this suspicion that Blondie is just a flat-chested girl; I mean, how can any man have such luxurious hair?

But for some reason, Mizael got really offended. It's not like any of us would judge her or anything. I even told her that, but within a second I was somehow half-inside Tachyon's mouth. Needless to say, I will be scrubbing dragon spit out of my sarong for weeks.

So because Nasch's presence forced me to tell that fib in the first place, I'm going to blame him.

But it was totally worth it to see the look on Miza-chan's face. I regret nothing.

10574. Black-Out

I've been saying this whole time how much I hate Black Mist, right? Just wanted to make sure. And in case I didn't, I'll say it again: I freaking hate Black Mist.

Here's the dealio; the gross tentacle-kid has done nothing but cause trouble since he washed up on the beach like a retarded jellyfish. Normally, I'm totally down with causin' trouble and stickin' it to the man, but not when I get caught up in it. I mean, nobody likes having a sh*tty day because some punk-a** tentacled Jell-O was messing around, right? You can't really blame me for getting upset.

Anyway, from breakfast to around eight at night, yesterday was pretty normal. Durbe pretended to do paperwork, Nasch half-heartedly ordered people around, and I harassed Merag (I think it was "hide-all-her-personal-hygiene-items-in-random-places" day). However, about ten minutes after we all finished eating dinner, our normal routine was rudely interrupted.

The power suddenly went out. Everywhere.

Now, it might've been okay if it was just the lights that shut off. Nobody around here has any fear of the dark or anything. But everything stopped working, which means the showers, TV, refrigerator, and even the freaking toaster were rendered completely useless. There has never been a day in all my life when I've felt such a crippling toast-lessness as I did that night.

So, suffice it to say, the whole palace was thrown into chaos. Alito and Girag stumbled around in the dark like blind retarded loonies, flailing around and knocking into every single breakable thing in the building. Durbe somehow lost his glasses (which he usually doesn't wear because he keeps insisting that he doesn't need them, but really he can barely see five feet in front of him) in the hubbub, so he was doubly blind. He panicked and just kind of huddled in a corner, and it ended up taking Merag cooing, Nasch yelling, and Mizael standing around indifferently for almost an hour to get him out of his stupor. And, of course, I felt kind of lost without my late-night toast, so I wasn't able to fully take advantage of the opportunity to mess things up.

However, there was one person who did exactly that. Yes, it was exactly who you think it was. During the mass confusion, Black Mist went around and wrapped toilet paper all over everything before lathering Super Glue on all the doorknobs. My hand will be sticky for weeks.

Luckily, Nasch was able to catch the culprit in the act when he tried to staple his cape to the ceiling (if there's one good thing to be said about that purple jerk, it's that he won't fall for the same trick twice). Mist was promptly booted out of Barian World, and I think I speak for everyone when I say I hope we never see him again.

We still don't know exactly how he managed to cut the power, but everybody's too busy removing toilet paper from the furniture to investigate. And honestly, the one who's really to blame here is Nasch. I mean, he is the one who decided to let the little menace stay here in the first place.

Actually, though, I'm glad toilet paper and glue was all that happened, because it really could have been much worse. I'm just glad the tentacle-brat didn't nail my door shut.

10575. ...That Last Sentence? Yeah, It Was a Lie. My Door's Been Nailed Shut.

I mean, seriously. SERIOUSLY. NAILS. WHERE THE FLYING F*** DID THAT KID GET NAILS?! Or a hammer, for that matter?! I mean, SERIOUSLY! F***ing d***!

…how do I even remove these things?!

…this is SO getting a point.

Author's Note: So sorry for the really long wait, guys, but I have a legitimate excuse. I was in Kentucky, and I didn't have Internet access.

So say hello and goodbye to Black Mist! It always seemed to me like Vector really did not like him at all (the fact that he had to humiliate himself to "serve" Mist is probably the reason for that), so I figured it'd be fun to have Mist grate on Veccy's nerves here a little bit. Also, because of a certain someone's purple hair, Vector seems to have developed an aversion to tentacles.

Special thanks to Girl with the Fireheart for 10571, FANactic Guest for 10572, Adelhide for 10573, and Durbe the Barian for 10574. And, as always, GIVE ME YOUR SUGGESTIONS! I NEED THEM LIKE I NEED TOAST. AND I REALLY, REALLY NEED TOAST.