Warning: This chapter contains misunderstandings and Japanese-style nudity - however, it is nothing that would require an M rating.
900001. Hot Springs
One of the most important things to remember about us Barian Emperors is that we work hard. Everybody's been putting in crazy hours recently, trying to figure out what's going on with these Numbers and preparing for an all-out war against Astral World (who, by the way, have just informed us that they plan to blow our planet to Hell). Obviously, this is something that should probably be prevented. Even I helped with some things.
...You can wipe that expression of utter shock and horror off your face now, thanks.
Anyway, we've all been slaving away recently, so Merag decided it was high time to pester Nasch into letting us all have a vacation. We may work hard, but we play hard, too, and even the stoic Durbe is well past his "I-need-to-go-to-a-gosh-dang-beach" point. And no matter how harshly I judge Nasch, he does seem to really care about his fellow incorrigible numbskulls, so he relented without putting up too much of a fuss. He even allowed both Hector and Iris to come along on our vacation, which even I could tell was a really, really bad idea. But whatever... at that point, it was out of my hands.
We ended up going somewhere in Girag's territory, because we've already done the beach thing and there aren't many other good vacation spots on Barian. This place apparently had some kind of natural hot spring, so Merag thought it would be perfect for relaxation. I personally didn't see how sitting in a hole in the ground filled with boiling water being cooked alive like a frog in a pot could be considered relaxing, but truth be told, I'd been scheming pretty hard and needed that vacation as much as the rest of them, so I didn't feel like bothering to complain.
And so, the seven of us (plus Hector and Iris) all headed out to the sticks to chill out for a couple of days. Hector apparently took the vacation as a chance to go on some romantic outings with Iris, which I was none too happy about and did my best to sabotage. But I ended up failing rather embarrassingly, so we're not going to go into that. He's somehow gotten wise to most of my tricks, and even managed to counter with a few of his own... *sniff* They grow up so fast...
For her part, Iris managed to keep Nasch from finding out about their little dates, so I do have to give her credit for that. Though she's way nicer than Merag, she does seem to have a bit of that same ornery streak in her, which I appreciate... only when it's being used to deceive Nasch.
Anyway, the rest of us mostly hung out and kicked back. Nasch and I somehow got into a vicious ping-pong battle from which I was certain only one of us would emerge alive, but we were ultimately interrupted by Alito popping in to yell about going to the springs. So of course we had to go, if only to make sure he didn't end up accidentally drowning himself.
By the time we got there, Durbe, Mizael, and Girag were already in the locker room, so Nasch and Alito started chatting it up with them, leaving me to stand around awkwardly. Obviously that was something I didn't really feel like doing, so I peeled off my sarong, wrapped a towel around my waist and heading for the hot springs.
Now, for whatever reason, I seem to always have difficulties understanding signage. Even though I do know how to read formal glyphs, the writing in Girag's territory has some kind of weird regional differences, so it really doesn't look anything like what I'm used to. I did eventually find the sign for what I thought was the men's side, though, so I waltzed into the empty enclosure, let my towel drop, and swan-dived right into the steaming water.
Turns out the actual hot spring is pretty shallow, so I ended up hitting my head on a rock and knocking myself out. When I came to, I was behind some kind of decorative rock pile, and I could hear voices. They were not, however, male voices. Oh, no... in fact, they were very female, painfully familiar voices.
In that moment, I realized two things. One: I had somehow accidentally strayed into the women's side of the hot springs. Two: said hot springs were currently occupied by Iris and Merag.
Now, before you get the wrong idea, I want to make something clear: I AM NOT A PERV. I may be all other kinds of evil under the suns, but slobbering stupidly over women is beneath me. In fact, it embarrasses me somewhat to say this, but I... can be a little prudish. Blame it on some past bad experiences with nudity.
Anyway, the gist of it is that I was in a place that I really did not want to be in, and the hot water only served to make me even more uncomfortable. I couldn't take waiting until they left, so I hastened to figure out some kind of escape route. Then I'd sneak out like a ninja, without anyone seeing me or me seeing anything. Easy-peasy.
Of course, I ought to know by now that nothing I do ever goes as planned.
900002. Hot Springs Part II
As the chatting of Merag filled my ears, I started looking around frantically, the powerful computation machine that is my brain briefly short-circuited by the many implications and complexities of the situation at hand. After a few moments, I felt able to fully understand the circumstances; as things stood, I was crouched behind a decorative rock pile in a corner of the actual spring area, about five feet away from the bamboo walls of the enclosure. My towel was somewhere out of sight, therefore out of reach and also useless. The walls themselves were too tall to climb over, and I knew that if I tried to fly over them I'd get caught.
Just as I realized this, I started to notice that Merag's voice was getting closer. By that point, I could even hear the quiet splashing sounds she was making as she moved through the water. I don't remember what she was saying word-for-word, but I'm pretty sure it was something along the lines of "Ooh, what a pretty decorative rock pile! I wonder if there's anything behind it…"
By that point, my heart was pounding ridiculously and I felt like I was going to hyperventilate. Honestly, I really don't appreciate when my body decides to have natural reactions to things without my consent. Still, I somehow managed to notice the one thing that would save me: a small hole in the back wall, just wide enough for me to fit through if I was desperate. And I was pretty f***ing desperate.
I crawled through that hole as quickly and ninja-y as my soaked body and spazzing limbs would allow, escaping into the sweet confines of a nearby bush. I snuck a quick peek back the way I came, luckily only catching a glimpse of blue hair. Apparently, I was fast enough to be mistaken for a squirrel or something. Which is both a compliment and mildly insulting.
Anyway, with the crisis averted, I took a moment to lean back and sigh. As I did so, my hand brushed against something that felt suspiciously like flesh, and I jumped out of the bush with a start. Briefly forgetting, of course, that I was still belt-less.
As I grabbed a nearby frond, the bush rustled alarmingly. Immediately suspicious, I grabbed a stick and stabbed at it as viciously as I could. And sure enough, a scream of pain emanated from the leaves and a Barian I'd never seen before tumbled out.
Now, it was pretty obvious what he was up to. And it should be pretty obvious that I was not in the best of moods. So discovering Tom the Peeper here made me pretty damn pissed. And, as usually happens when I become pretty damn pissed, I grabbed the guy by the throat and hauled him into the woods so that the others wouldn't hear his screaming as I tortured the living daylights out of him. Sadly, the middle of the woods didn't have much for me to work with in terms of equipment, but I'm nothing if not creative.
During the course of our little therapeutic session, I found out that the guy's name was Alco. When I asked him nicely why he was watching my woman- err, the women like a disgusting creep, he had the nerve to tell me that it was his job! He called himself "The Barian Observer" or some sh*t like that. He also said that he had something very important to do, something that would be crucial to the plot, and even claimed that he didn't see anything, but honestly? Did he really think for even a second that he could get away with some bullsh*t excuse like that?!
Who the f*** did he think he was dealing with?! I'm VECTOR, b*tch! No one stalks me and my bumbling compatriots and gets away with it - NO ONE.
So, yeah. I f***ed him up reeeaaallll good. Barian Observer, my a$$. All that sack of crap will be "observing" now is the other side. Justice served for breakfast, lunch, and dinner! Jyan jyan jyaaaann ~ !
Unfortunately, the others never really got the full story on this Alco guy. So when Nasch found me naked in the middle of the woods trying to stuff what looked like a pretty dead body into a bush, he somehow wasn't too pleased. So that's where these two points come in: one for the hot-springs trip in the first place, and another one for accusing me of murdering a random passerby when he didn't even know the half of it. You guys know the drill by now.
And that's usually where this entry would end, but… well, something unusual happened, so I figured I should probably make a note of it.
First of all, I must be losing my edge, because it turns out that Alco the Barian Stalker wasn't quite dead after all. He will, however, probably spend the rest of his remaining life in prison, for, you know, being totally depraved. He's definitely not gonna contribute to the plot at all, that's for sure.
And who do we have to thank for that? For once, not me. Well, yeah, I actually caught the guy, but you know how much my word's worth around here, and Hector was out getting ready for a date with Iris, so even he couldn't vouch for me. So, as usual, nobody believed me.
Except, for Don-Thousand-knows what reason, Merag.
Maybe she did see me leaving the hot springs, maybe she had some kinda sixth-sense thing again, maybe she's just gullible. But for whatever reason, she kept Nasch from blowing me to smithereens and even… dare I say it? … took me at my word. When Al finally woke up, she even helped me pull a "good cop, really bad cop" routine and got him to spill the beans where the others could hear him.
And after the truth came to light, she... thanked me. For protecting her or something dumb like that. I told her not to get used to it, and she just laughed and said she wouldn't, that she knew me too well.
...What the heck is that supposed to mean?! Is she implying some kind of familiarity between us beyond just being Emperors?! Or does it just mean exactly what she said? ...Of course there's nothing deeper to it, I'm just overthinking. That tends to happen to extraordinarily brilliant people, you know.
But still… I…
...I'd better end this entry before any introspection happens. That would not be fun for you or me.
900003. Lady-ing
Alright, so, after the whole Alco incident calmed down, I found myself troubled by… thoughts that I didn't really want to be having. Thoughts that mostly centered on Merag.
So, to get my mind off of said thoughts, I decided I had to distract myself somehow. Unfortunately, nothing I tried seemed to work. I bugged the crap out of Mizar, Durbe, and Nasch, and ended up with nothing to show for it but a slightly-lightning-bolt-singed sarong and some dragon saliva. I even tried pestering Hector about his now-official thing with Iris in the most immature ways possible, but it's nothing that I haven't done before and thus was not very effective. And of course I would never actually do my work unless the world was exploding beneath my feet, so I just wound up collapsing on the floor, not moving until Bingo started to lick / gnaw on my face. When I realized that I was just letting my own pet eat me, I knew I had to try something drastic, or I'd never get out of this funk.
The only thing that came to mind was to fight fire with fire. So I headed out to the city and set about wooing the hottest lady-woman I could find. Let's just say that being an Emperor does have its perks every once in a while; it wasn't too hard to find a hot chick willing to accompany me to lunch.
Said hot chick turned out to be a gorgeous grey-skinned long, cool Barian in a black dress named Bellatrix. I took her to that strudel place / deli in Naschville, and we chatted for a while, you know, makin' small talk. Turns out she enjoys being devious nearly as much as I do… we may have actually started to hit it off. Still, it wasn't enough to get those nagging thoughts out of my head, so I briefly visited the restroom to smack some sense into myself. I figured that I just hadn't spent enough time distracting myself yet, and that hanging out with Bellatrix a little longer would do the trick.
But when I re-entered the restaurant, I discovered that a third customer had invaded our table. This customer looked very interested in my date, and, much to my chagrin, she looked very interested in him. And this customer just so happened to be Nasch.
Some very complicated and awkward things happened after that, but let's just say that by the time he walked out of that restaurant, Nasch had Bellatrix hanging contentedly from his arm, while all I had was an injured pride and the bill for the sandwiches.
So, needless to say, my attempt at distracting myself backfired in the worst possible way. And, as usual, it was all Nasch's fault.
900004. Rap Battle
In case you haven't noticed, Nasch is getting pretty close to the one millionth point, which also means that I'm getting pretty close to my breaking point. The whole date-stealing incident isn't helping matters, either. I can't kill him now because that would mean I've been doing all this for nothing, but I just had to find a way to get back at him. So I scoured my closet, found a glove, stalked up to him, and threw it in his face.
Nasch, for some reason, seemed confused by this, so I told him I was challenging him to a duel. And not a card-game duel, either, despite the premise of the show. This would be a contest of honor, to prove once and for all which one of us was the better Barian. I knew it would be me, but Nasch didn't know that, so he accepted with a smirk and started warming up his lightning bolts.
However, before we could even start a scuffle, Merag showed up and froze our feet to the floor. She looked pretty pissed; apparently, she's fed up with our "stupid squabbles," and, according to her, there had to be a better way to go about settling our differences. We both explained to her that no, there really wasn't, but she was just so adamant that we ended up promising to find a non-violent way to duke it out, if only to get her to unfreeze our legs.
However, said non-violent contest was surprisingly difficult to come up with. Most of the ideas we tossed out there either were too boring or involved maiming each other, so Merag finally told us to stay put and pulled all the others into a huddle. Nasch and I could only sit and watch with trepidation as they argued amongst themselves, until finally, Hector came up with something that they all seemed to agree on. Returning to us with a smirk, Merag announced that we would settle things between us once and for all with… a rap battle.
Yes. You heard me. A rap battle.
We both protested heavily, of course, Nasch calling the idea stupid and me threatening to ground Hector for the rest of his life and then some, but alas, to no avail. The others were all watching intently, and we both knew that if one of us backed down, it would be seen as an admission of defeat. So we hunkered down and got ready to spin some serious rhymes.
However, there was just one problem: both of us totally suck at rapping.
Here is a brief sample of what went down:
Nasch: You ready for this, jerk?
Me: I was born ready, a$$hat!
Nasch: I'm gonna wipe the floor with you!
Me: Then do it already!
Nasch: ...I will!
Me: Okay!
Nasch: …..
Me: …..
[Silence, except for background music and thumping bass]
Me: Hurry up and put your money where your mouth is!
Nasch: Don't f***ing rush me!
Merag: No cussing! Just start whenever you're ready.
Nasch: ….fine.
Me: ….
Nasch: *inhales deeply* They call me the leader of the Barians, my lyrics'll blow your cranium! ….um…. uh…
Me: Oh, come on!
Nasch: I'm thinking! ...uh… umm…
Me: Pfft!
Nasch: Oh sure, like you can do any better!
Me: Hell yeah I can! That wasn't even slant rhyme!
Nasch: Well then, let's hear it!
Me: …...um.
Nasch: I'm waiting…
Me: OH MY GOD SHUT THE F*** UP ALREADY!
Merag: NO CUSSING!
Me: Fine, here I go. *pauses* Uhh… I said a hip hop the hippie the hippie to the hip hip hop uh you don't stop the rock it to the bang bang boogie say up jumped the boogie to the rhythm of the boogie the beat-
Nasch: Hey, that's cheating, you ***** *** ******!
Me: No it's not, you stupid **** with ***** and ****** ***** ***-
Merag: Break it up, you morons!
So, yeah. Need I say more? At least I was able to rap something recognizable. But Merag ended up freezing us both up to the waist this time, and she didn't unfreeze us until we apologized nicely to each other.
And so, even though the rapping part wasn't necessarily his fault, all of this suffering definitely warrants giving Nasch at least a point.
900005. Aw, Who Am I Kidding? That One Was Worth Two Points.
To think, I stooped so low as to quote the Sugar Hill Gang. *shudder* Never again…
Author's Note: That chapter was certainly… interesting. I think it's important to note that any scenes involving hot springs do not necessarily reflect the author's personal views or opinions, and that this fic shouldn't be taken too seriously, anyway.
Thanks to Cardfighter Ilia for 900001, Durbe the Barian (who only suggested that Alco show up, nothing else, just to be clear) for 900002, DanuTalisIsles for 900003, and De hearts 26 for 900004. I ended up really modifying a lot of the suggestions for this chapter in order to get the ideas to feed into each other, so these lovely people aren't entirely responsible for the things that happened. ^_^;
A note about suggestions for next chapter; we're nearing the end of the fic, so I'm going to start building something resembling a narrative out of these last few remaining points. You're still more than welcome to give me suggestions, but if they don't fit with the "ending" theme, I probably won't use them.