"That damn frog missed today's meeting and now we're delivering the notes to him." England swore again and America watched him quizzically while he sipped on his soda as they walked the path that lead to the elegant front door. America didn't reply, leaving the furious Brit to his ranting which had started shortly after the rant about how France was going to arrive late to their scheduled Allies meeting. England had to admit that it was unusual for the French nation to miss meetings, and maybe there was a small piece of him that was worried he might lose his favorite form of stress relief. The week had been enjoyably quiet: no unexpected visits, calls, flirtatious notes, or strip teases. Other than having been called out in the middle of the night to a park in the middle of nowhere to chase down Italians, he really couldn't complain.
"Really, why must he be so irresponsible? And he better be at home!" the nation continued to grumble as they stopped in front of the door. He sighed as he shifted the packet of paper he had brought along to his other arm and glanced up at the loudly slurping American. "Let's get this over with."
He raised a fist and brought it heavily down on the door that easily swung open from the first strike. The two nations looked to each other and then peered into the darkened home. "France…?" England called out, following America's lead and stepping over the threshold behind him.
"Quoi?" They heard the gruff reply and followed it into the living room and were immediately taken aback by the appearance of it and the nation stretched out on the couch. The curtains were drawn making the entire room dark and belongings had been left haphazardly lying around. France himself was lying on his back holding a smoldering cigarette between his teeth and judging by the ashtray that rested on the table beside him and the overpowering scent of smoke that filled the room it was far from his first. His physical appearance was in such a state that England had never seen before: his clothes were dull and wrinkled, and his hair was hanging in a stringy mess around his chin that sported more scraggly growth than usual.
He took another long slow drag of his cigarette and exhaled it as he fixed the pair with a bored pink stare. "Why are the both of you here?"
"You missed today's meeting." England informed him, throwing the packet down in front of him. "We brought you the notes."
His gaze shifted between the folder and his guests before returning to the ceiling. "You didn't have to." France replied in a monotone.
"No, but we did. A little gratitude would be nice." England snapped as America returned to slurping on his coke.
"Why bother?" France flicked some of the ash into the pile beside him. He studied England for minute, letting his eyes roam up and down the other's frame in a way that made him rather uncomfortable. "I have this notion that you would look appealing in a small revealing tunic. You should find one and wear it."
"What?" England spat out and America stopped drinking to look uncomfortable with the direction that the conversation was heading in. "Why would I do something like that?"
France shrugged and turned back to his cigarette. "Something to branlage to. Though I'm sure any sort of revealing wear would suffice to complete the act itself. And if we were to capture the image to use later it help to assure I would not need to be in the company of others for a long time…"
England choked on his retort and that left space for America to fill in with his comment. "France… that's so…." His face wrinkled at the thought, "gross…"
The tall blonde was spared from further discussions on the topic with England slapping both of his hands over his ears and muffling any conversation. He blinked a few times, and then returned to his soda, catching the straw with his tongue, and watched as the two nations argued in a semi-bored fashion.
"What do you think you are doing? Saying something like that in front of him!" England hissed leaning around America's shoulder to address the other nation.
"Ugh, don't start this again." France groaned, rubbing a hand down his face. "If you treat America like a child he's never going to learn to grow up and act like an adult."
"He's not that much of an adult yet!" England argued."He's still too young! Especially to hear revolting comments made from an old withered frog."
France scoffed. "I bet you that's not a new thing for him. He's probably done it himself before."
"What? Don't say that!" England bit out, paling slightly at the very notion.
"I bet you he has." France turned a lopsided grin towards his guests. "And you know what else? I bet he's had sex with other people."
England shook his head rapidly back and forth as if trying to shake the idea from his mind. "No, that can't be true."
The older nation laughed. "It probably is. Probably with hundreds of partners. I'm sure there are plenty of people willing to overlook his disgusting eating habits, brainlessness, and that obnoxious laugh that feels like a drill is being taken to my skull. But I suppose if animals can figure out how to rut, so can he." His eyes returned to their previous activity of watching the ceiling. "It is just a physical act, like eating or breathing. We do it because our bodies demand that we do." The embers glowed brightly as he sucked in and then released it slowly in a stream of smoke. "You are making far too big a deal out of this."
"And you are not making enough!" England growled in return after readjusting his hold on the younger nation's head. "Honestly France, I've let you get away with saying a lot of things in the past, but this is ridiculous! You need to watch your tongue before I remove it for you!"
"And when you were his age?" France raised a thin eyebrow, "What were you doing?"
"That's not a reliable comparison! When I was his age, I still looked like a child too." England argued back.
"Hey are you two perverted old dudes done talking about sex?" America spoke up, lowering his now empty soda, "'Cause I'd really like to go home."
England quickly lowered his hands, directing a glare at France and blushing slightly. "Uh, yes of course. Why don't you wait for me outside?"
The American shrugged as he lumbered passed and then out the door. "Whatever, but you still owe me dinner for helping."
The front door opened and closed before England turned back around with a hiss. "Where were you this morning?"
"Right here, where I've been every morning for the past couple days," France remarked making an easy gesture to his surroundings, "though I don't see why that should concern you any."
"It concerns me when we you don't show up and cause us all to run late! At least call ahead so that we are not left waiting for you!"
France blinked slowly and turned his head to regard the furious blonde. After a minute of careful study he rolled so his back was to the room and muttered, "Then consider this your notice that I will not be attending any more meetings."
England frowned. "I'm not accepting that as an answer, git."
France sighed as he threw what was left of his cigarette into the ash tray and began to scrounge for another among the various containers he had stacked around the couch for another. "It doesn't matter if you do or not, but it is the truth of what will be happening."
England's hands balled into fists at his sides and he strode forward. "Like hell it won't. And when was the last time you bathed?" Lips turned upwards into a wide grin as his fingers intertwined into France's unkempt hair and pulled. "Looks like you could use one."
AN: Hallo from Austria! (still managed to post even while on holiday) Considering how much I love France, this actually hurt to write. If anyone needs me, I'll be in mourning... Over here... Eating Mozarttorte...