20 Toms POV

When I woke up, I was surrounded by white walls, and there was a beeping sound coming from somewhere. "huh?" I whispered, looking around, realising where I was. I was in hospital, after I had passed out! "hey Tom, your in hospital, because you passed out yesterday!" Carrie smiled, moving to sit on the bed with me. "b-but I told you not to take me here!" I came to my senses, remembering that I had told her to not bring me here! "well I don't care what you told me! If I didn't bring you here, you were going to die, okay? And I'm not going to let you die!" Carrie almost glared, giving me that stern look that usually I would have given her.

"I would not have died Carrie, I just passed out!" I protested, though I knew she was right. It didn't really seem like a bad idea, but I was scared to die, so I didn't try to kill myself. "oh really? Thats why when the paramedics found you they said if they had been a minute later, you would have actually gone, is it? Why did you even cut yourself? Why? There is no point in it, and you scared the living daylights out of me! F*cking hell Tom, you really scared me!" Carrie leant down and hugged me tightly, crying as I whimpered. "I'm sorry! I just can't take being here anymore! I can't take knowing that no-one wants me and nobody even cares if I live or die! Your the only one that does even care, I'm sorry!" I squeezed her tightly, burying my face in her blonde hair.

"what? Tom, there are loads of people that care about you! I'm not the only one, Danny, Harry and Dougie are worried sick about you! Your all they think about, honestly, you are all they think about, they care whether you live or die." So they know when to get rid of your house and everything else. I finished for her, knowing they didn't care about my actual life. "they're not here, are they?" I asked, starting to plan an escape route if they were. "no, they're at home. I haven't told them, because you told me not too. I had to get you here, but if you really don't want them to know your here, then I'm not going to tell them." Carrie smiled as a doctor walked in.

"ah, finally awake I see? Thats good, so, mind telling me what your doing exactly?" the doctor asked, he was tall and skinny, quite pale, with light brown hair and brown eyes. His name tag read 'Matthew Gray Gubler'. I looked at him confused, what did he mean by that and what did he want? "okay, so your still a little out of it, so mind telling me why you were trying to kill yourself?" he explained, shining a light into my eyes and checking up on other things. "I-I wasn't, I wasn't trying to!" I whimpered, knowing that if he thought I was suicidal, he would lock me up somewhere, and tell the guys. Then they would come along and pretend to be concerned for me, and there was no way I could take that. "oh really, then what were you doing?" he raised an eyebrow, giving me a condescending look. "nothing, it was nothing. I just fell on some glass." I lied, fiddling with my fingers, knowing that wasn't at all convincing. The doctor sighed loudly, writing some things down on his notepad. "thats a clear lie and you both know it. I'm arranging for a physiological consult, because judging by your arm, this isn't the first time you've tried." His words made us freeze, and with that he walked out, and I started to cry.

21 Dannys POV

I woke up screaming again, for the third time that day, crying as I thought about the morgue. Every time I closed my eyes, all I could see was Tom, laying on the mortuary slab, having actually died. "Danny, he didn't die. He's still out there." Harry sighed from the arm of the sofa I was laying on. Dougie was curled up in his arms, looking as depressed as I felt, clinging to the toy I had given him the night before. "I want to find him." He whispered, in a broken tone, nuzzling into Harrys chest. "we'll find him, eventually, we'll find him and bring him home." Harry promised, squeezing the blonde close, and I was hit with a spike of jealousy.

I wanted to hold my little blonde boy, sit him on my lap and tell him everything would be okay, kiss him until he ran out of breath, tell him that I loved him so much, I would die for him. "thats if he wants to come home." I growled, curling up into a ball and hugging my legs, pretending they were Toms muscular chest, that made me feel so safe. "I'm sure he'll want to come home once he see's us and realises how much we all miss each other. You never know, he could want to come home, but is too worried about what we're going to say." Harry encouraged uselessly, clutching at Dougie, almost like he was subconsciously worried Dougie would do the same thing. "yeah right, you heard Carrie, he doesn't want to come home. We've lost him for good." I cried, realising how much I had actually lost and what I wasn't ever getting back.

Flashback - May 4th 2010

"guess who!" Tom laughed, putting his hands over my eyes. "oh I dunno, Santa?" I giggled, teasing the blonde. "no! Guess again!" Tom giggled dorkily, and I imagined his dimple poking in his cheek. "is it Mickey Mouse?" I had to bite my lip to not laugh even more. "no! Come on Rat Leg, you know who it is!" Tom was bouncing on his heels, and I wondered why he was excited. "of course I know who it is, its a very excited Tommy!" I turned around and wrapped him into my arms, "why now are you so excited? Have you found another amazing musical to see?"

"no silly! Its May the 4th!" Tom grinned, and I didn't get it. "huh?" I gave him a confused look. "its May the 4th Danny, May the 4th." Tom repeated, indicating his outfit. A black Star Wars tshirt, jeans, Jedi dressing gown...oh May the 4th. "oh, may the force be with you!" I made him grin, and pushed up his glasses, kissing his nose. "exactly! Its international Star Wars day!" Tom squeaked, jumping so I was carrying him. "let me guess, we have a day off, so you want to watch all 6 films with me?" I seemingly read his mind, watching him nod frantically, squeaking loudly when I started to carry him upstairs.

Flashback end

I missed that dorky sense of humour, that always was a little bit childish, and never failed to not cheer me up. I missed being able to have him jump into my arms and let me carry him around, that ended up with us having a tickle fight or something similar. I hadn't had that in almost a year, because Tom hadn't let me do that, or been his usual dorky (but adorable) self for about 2 months before he ran off. It felt even worse to think I hadn't seen the normal, happy Tom in over 9 months, 9 whole, horrible months. I wanted Tom back, the whole of him, lame jokes, sci-fi film obsession, artistic, singer, song-writer, my boyfriend Tom back.