It wasn't until well after Ori had left that Fili finally decided he would venture down stairs, mostly because Bilbo kept shouting out up to him to come down. It was a bit after Bilbo gave up that he pulled himself from his bed and padded out of his room. He was quiet on the stairs, hearing the old, scratchy noise of a radio play coming to greet him on the stairs.
"I wish Fili would join us." He heard Bilbo sigh, the tinkle of dishes as tea cups were being poured and handed out.
"Maybe he'll listen to some tomorrow." Ori's soft voice. "That's if, you would like to join us tomorrow as well."
"That would be lovely."
Fili came to the bottom of the steps, the house was dark. He slipped into the kitchen as they continued to talk, the radio play just background noise. The blond slapped together a rough sandwich with little butter on his bread. He snatched it off of the counter with all intent to go back to his room when he stopped at the bottom of the stairs. The fire light from the front room drew him close enough to see everyone sitting so peacefully. Ori was curled up in a chair, his back to the fire to use the light as he wrote something in his books. Bilbo seated across from him with his eyes closed and listening to the story being told. Thorin was on the sofa with Kili, the man was watching Kili as the youth worked away at something. It looked... perfect.
He watched Kili, his eyes tracing over his features. How his mouth was pursed and his brow creased in concentration. How his fingers were nimble and worked with deft care, something obtained over years of work. In the firelight he could see a small glint of a knife and he realized that Kili was whittling, newspapers spread out at his feet to catch wood shavings. The knife, it was his own pocket knife, the one he kept in his coat pocket.
Seeing this seemed to make something in Fili feel warm.
"Let me see," Thorin said softly, tilting his head.
Kili opened up his palm, the chunk of wood he had been working on just barely longer than his palm. He presented Thorin a beautifully carved human. A detailed helmet with a snug beard and untamed hair. There were even braids, and detailed armor. The character missing a hand.
"That... this is amazing." Thorin's eyes were a bit wide, his voice low.
Kili worried his bottom lip between his teeth, looking shy and unsure. He turned the carving over and dug the tip of the blade in making sharp jagged marks.
"Is that your artist's mark?"
Kili shook his head, making sure each groove was deep with no hope of being removed without destroying the carving. "It's... the name of the owner of this... in dwarven runes."
"Dwaven? Not Norse?"
Kili looked even more bashful not offering an answer as he pushed the statue into Thorin's hand. Thorin took it and leaned forward to get a better look of it in the light. His fingers slipped over the surprisingly smooth carving. He was amazed. So much talent, from his boy. He turned and smiled a proud smile at Kili.
"It's Tyr." Kili's cheeks colored, making his face dark. "When their home was being destroyed by the great wolf Fenrir the gods were at a loss. The dwarves created a chain, so fine it was wire, crafted out of things humans could not see and even the gods had a hard time obtaining."
Thorin cut in. "Fenrir didn't trust the gods. He requested one to put their arm in his mouth so he may have retribution if they tricked him. They tied him and when he could not break free he bite off Tyr's arm. He's the god of family, bravery, and fathers. Even with one hand he was one of the fiercest fighters. In the Poetic Edda there is a blur on Tyr. He was either the first god later replaced with Odin and Thor of had been trusted with Odin's throne when the god left to quest for knowledge." He pushed the carving into Kili's hands.
"It's good to know that we have a little more in common than just being two guys associated with one female." Kili admitted. Ori never indulged him when he went on about norse mythology and Tolkien. He liked it, it was familiar. It felt like home. A home so far, far away.
Then Kili looked up. His beautiful brown eyes catching Fili who had been watching them. Their eyes met and he smiled. That wonderful smile that meant he was happy, so happy. He folded up the pocket knife and got up. He walked over to the shadows where Fili had been standing in. He came up to Fili looking him in the eyes. Oh those beautiful eyes, those gorgeous lips that he just wanted to kiss once more.
"Sorry about not asking permission to use your knife. I saw this chunk of wood outside and had the urge to..." Kili trailed off, he pointed to the floor. "You dropped half your sandwich."
"Shit!" Fili hissed low as he bent down grabbing up the lettuce and meat. He almost jumped forward when he felt Kili brush past him, a thigh brushing against his butt.
"Sorry." Kili's voice was evidence enough that his face was blushing.
The heat from his body was gone and down the hall a small sound of a door opening. Fili took his ruined sandwich into the kitchen and threw it away with a sigh. Okay... so... Ori's warning was not heeded by his body. He was, he was more than hot under the collar and seeing Kili so happy he just... He wanted...
"You okay?" Kili.
Fili turned around. He wanted to reach out, grab the brunette and pull him flush against his body. He wanted to feel that beautiful flesh against his, to see Kili's face as he becomes undone by pleasure. But it was so bodily desired he couldn't do that. Kili would not be a dalliance like his previous relations.
"I'm fine." He busied himself with getting a glass of water.
"Can I ask you something?"
"Sure." Fili turned around looking at Kili, taking a sip. He needed to do something to keep himself from doing something stupid.
"Am I ugly?"
Fili choked on his water a mouthful spilling down his front. He had been expecting anything but that. While he coughed a hand soothed over his back. When he caught his breath finally and had to consciously keep himself in check because he wanted to scream and shout and kiss and hug and, and- he was going to bed.
"You trying to kill me? What kind of question is that?" He slammed the cup on the counter not seeing how Kili winced, nor how he held his arm bashfully. "Go hang out with everyone, I'm going to bed."
With that he left, not seeing how Kili looked to the ground with a bleeding heart. And though he stayed up most the night he did not hear how Kili whimpered in his room, curled around a pillow.
The next day Kili didn't come out of his room. Fili saw Thorin go in, proud and happy when he had found the carving of Tyr left in his bedroom as a present only to come out concerned. He saw Bilbo go in with a tray of food, to collect it with nothing touched hours later. It wasn't until he saw Ori and Bilbo collecting anything sharp that he finally asked.
"What's going on?"
"I don't understand it. He was in such a good mood." Ori sighed. "He went to bed happy even though he did eat more cake than he should have."
Bilbo pulled out a few knives from a drawer. "It would seem, our Kili has depression fits at times." He hesitated and whispered into the room as if speaking it out loud would make whatever he feared come true. "He has a past of... self harm."
"WHAT?!"
"Nothing serious, he's never been suicidal. He's too stubborn to do anything like that," Ori said quickly. "We're just taking precautions."
"Did you already get the razors from the bathrooms?"
"Yes." Bilbo said. "We've scoured the house, the only way he could hurt himself now is if he wrestled these from us." Bilbo shook the box of sharp objects.
Fili swallowed hard. He went up the stairs quietly letting Ori and Bilbo continue on with their Kili proofing. His hands were sweating as his pace quickened. Kili still had his pocket knife.
Kili had his pocket knife.
His pocket knife.
His knife.
Knife.
Before he knew it he was bursting into Kili's room. Kili was sitting in a chair looking at his laptop, whatever he was watching was loud enough to hear through out the room.
"Where is it?" Fili grabbed Kili's upper arm and pulled him out of his chair.
"Excuse you?" Kili growled.
"My pocket knife." Fili grabbed at Kili's pants patting away from the familiar lump of his knife. He ripped it out of Kili's pocket. He flicked it in the air glaring at Kili. "What were you going to do with this?"
"Return it to you."
Fili's grip tightened as he yanked Kili close to his body. "Don't. lie. to me."
"I'm not lying, you ass."
Fili felt his world shift worry ripped at him. He dropped the knife. Kili must have already cut himself, with his knife. Instantly he unzipped Kili's hoodie and ripped it off of him.
"What the hell are you doing?!"
Fili ignored him, grabbing Kili's forearms looking them over for damage. Nothing. So it must be somewhere else.
"Take your shirt off."
"No."
"Do it, or I'll do it for you, Kili."
Kili huffed through his nose and pulled off his Metallica t-shirt. He held out his arms and shifted his weight in a sassy stance. Showing scars on his upper arms in unique patterns of symbols and scoring that looked nearly tribal. "There. Happy? No little marks on ugly little Kili. Big fucking whoop dee doo."
"Ugly?" Oh god... this was... this was because of last night? "Kili. Do you honestly think you're ugly?"
The brunette frowned deeply, throwing his shirt at Fili with surprising strength. "What do you think?"
"I think you're an idiot for believing something that's not true!"
"I'm an idiot. No revolution there."
Fili tightened his jaw, swallowing hard. Kili, his Kili, seriously thought he was ugly and stupid. He caved. He grabbed Kili by his belt and pulled him flush against him, their mouths meeting once more. Tongues dancing. He ran his hands up and down that slender bare back eliciting a moan. He fisted a hand in Kili's chocolate terraces, pulling his head back to lick at his throat. Each kiss he gave him was a desperate one, a silent plea for him to understand how beautiful and smart he knew Kili to be. He was talented, quick witted, kind, gentle, hell it took him only two weeks of getting to know him to win Fili over. He was head over heels for the man he was pleasuring with his mouth. He lusted after him not just because he had a pretty face, because he made an effort to make those around him brighter than him. Because... because Kili was pure unadulterated love and he bwanted/b that.
He claimed Kili's lips in a wet, opened mouth kiss, their hot breath mingling. It was strange kissing Kili. Everyone else he had kissed before there was a spark but with Kili there was none, instead he tasted like the purest of water and he was a man dying of thirst. He couldn't drink enough of him. Oh god, he would happily drown in his mouth.
But when he reached down and grabbed a handful of purt ass, hearing Kili's mewl of pleasure against his mouth, he lost it. He was pushing Kili down on the bed, spreading his legs to fit between them. He gripped at clothed thigh his hand slipping down to grab at his ass once more getting another moan.
It was when he bucked his hips that Kili went ridged. He pushed Fili up, panting, trying to gather his mind.
"No." His lips were so deliciously red, his chest rising and falling with each breath. "I..." he shook his head. "Not yet. I... we barely know each other. I can't just have a tumble in the sheets."
It hurt Fili, stung him like a bee, to have Kili think that he would just be a one time fling. But he was right. They barely knew each other despite their attraction.
i"You have a low opinion of your mother."/i
That... wasn't a voice Fili knew.
i"Damn right I do! After what she did, I would be more worried if I forgave her."
"And what was it that your mother did?"/i
His eyes didn't leave Kili. He recognized Kili's voice. The brunette's eyes grew huge. Lust and want for love replaced with horror as the voices drifted out of his laptop speakers.
i"You know perfectly well."
"Yes, I have read the police report... but you need to say it."/i
Kili's mouth moved but no voice coming out. No. He was trying to say no.
i"Say it?" Kili barked out a laugh. "Righ, because talk really does help that much. What the hell am I paying you for when I can just talk to Ori?"
"The first step to healing is recognizing the problem. We have done that. The second step is to face it, to overcome your fear. Now, take as much time as you need but you won't be leaving this office until you say it."/i
Kili shoved Fili off. He ran over to slam the laptop close. It snapped shut but the program took too long to shut down.
i"She sold me."/i
Sold. The blond watched Kili's back. Kili had... he had been...
"Get out." Kili's voice was tiny.
"Ki-"
"I said,bGET OUT!/b"
Fili was approaching the brunette. "Kili, please."
"Fuck you! Out!" His voice broke. He turned and pushed at Fili, not letting him see his face as he shoved him at the door.
Ori and Bilbo came running having heard the shouts. He shoved Fili into the hallway where he stumbled. Bilbo steadied him. Ori ran into the room, grabbed his brother by his shoulders and slammed the door shut. The last thing Fili saw was the devastated face of the man he loved. Tears down his face as if he had just been violated.