A/N:
I had a little writer's block with Chapter Eleven but since it's done now so it's safe to upload this one. Again, thank you all so much for all the reviews and follow I'm getting and I hope to get more of that. Also, if you're willing to imagine a certain FC for Doctor Sara Hastings, it would be Torrey DeVito. I hope you guys enjoy this chapter and more reviews are always a great boost to me!~
Physical Therapy: Day Twenty-Five
Trauma Counselor: Session One
The appointment was set after the physical therapy session, and in all honesty, Lexie was very nervous. She still didn't really want to be up there – she didn't want to be treated like she was mad or like she needed help. But that, in fact, was the main reason why she needed those sessions particularly. As Mark wheeled her into psych, Lexie looked down at her hands, twiddling her fingers together nervously. She still didn't, couldn't, bring herself to talk to Mark about what she felt. Towards him, towards the wheelchair – about everything. Ever since Lexie agreed to the session, she found herself pretty closed off.
The nurse called them in not much after they walked into psych – but didn't lead them to the doctor's office. Instead, she took a detour into a much larger room. As Mark wheeled Lexie in, they were shocked to see Meredith, Cristina, Derek and Arizona all seated in a circular arrangement. Lexie's eyes fell on the brunette sitting between Cristina and Arizona. Brown eyes, slightly tanned skin, her hair a light shade of brown ending just beneath her jaw. "Please, come in and be seated." She spoke kindly and Lexie glanced up at Mark nervously before he shrugged slowly – obviously, he too had no idea of what was going on.
"I know you are all confused by this – but I was simply waiting until I got the consent to have you all here." She started. "I was told to wait till Doctor Grey here finally decided it would be time to start talking about the crash. I didn't want to pressure any of you, and all of you seemed compliant to the idea when it was brought up by Doctor Torres and Doctor Howe." She explained, and everyone shared knowing looks. Mark at least should have seen that happening – both Callie and Jared mentioned working with her.
"My name is Sara Hastings." She started and looked down at her notebook, "We could really just start by introducing each other. Try to relax. I'm not going to interrogate you. I'm just here to listen. You guys have been here before, you know the protocol."
And they did. They knew group sessions were simply an assessment to pick the way that the private sessions went. A sigh sounded of in unison before Cristina sat up and decided to break the silence, "Well, I'm Cristina Yang and I am a cardiothoracic fellow at Seattle Grace Mercy West. Three months ago, date December 16th, 2012, I was scheduled to represent Seattle Grace Mercy West cardiothoracic department in a conjoined twin separation surgery to be perform in Boise General in Idaho. The plane I was on suffered from mechanical troubles and crashed in the Boise National Forest during a late hour at night. I suffered from extensive PTSD and a dislocated shoulder, but…I'm doing well." She finished and leaned back into her seat, crossing one leg over the other as she glanced crossed her arms over her chest.
"Good." Sara said with a smile and lifted a brow as she glanced sideways at Meredith. Meredith had her experience with shrinks so she really didn't mind. "My name is Meredith Grey, I'm a general attending at Seattle Grace Mercy West. I was to be assisting the general surgeon back in Boise General with the surgery when the plane crashed. I had nothing but a contusion to the back of my head and a slight impalement in my thigh." Meredith muttered and looked down quietly, shifting uneasily in her seat.
Derek sighed as he glanced sideways at his wife before he sat up, "I'm Derek Shepherd, head of the neuro department here in Seattle Grace Mercy West. I was going to administrate and perform the neurological separation of the conjoined twins. After the plane crash, my hand went through the emergency door and I had to deliberately break it to pull it out. My hand suffered from multiple fractures and some neurological damage. My sister donated a nerve to me so I can regain full function of my hand and I did." Derek nodded slowly and reached to grab Meredith's hand, hoping to calm her down – knowing stress was not the best thing for her now.
Sara nodded slowly with an encouraging, kind smile. She glanced sideways at Mark, and so did Lexie. Mark nodded slowly and started, his eyes meeting Lexie's for a minute, "I'm Mark Sloan, head of plastics here in Seattle Grace Mercy West. My role was basically going to give those twin enough skin to repair the incisions. During the plane crash, I suffered from a cardiac tamponade and was put under a medically induced coma for three days – that's it." He finished and glanced sideways at Lexie.
Suddenly Lexie felt the weight of everyone looking at her and she took a deep breath before she looked down, avoiding the doctor's gaze. No one moved, no one breathed – she felt Mark's seat shift beside her, but someone had shushed him back into place. Lexie still refused to speak, her heart hammering against her chest painfully as she clasped her hands over her lap and blinked once.
"I am Arizona Robbins!" Arizona exclaimed quickly to break the silence with her cheery tone before she cleared her throat, "I'm heads of peds and I was basically assisting the peds surgeon from Boise because separating conjoined twins has always been my thing. On the plane crash, I had an open femur fracture and minimal inflation but that's all good now." Arizona explained briefly, distracting the attention from Lexie for only a minute but not really buying her any time. Then the eyes were all on her again.
"My name.." She stared quietly and looked up, taking a deep breath as her eyes zeroed on the patterns on the hardwood floor, "I'm Lexie Grey. I was on the plane as Derek Shepherd's primary resident assistant. When the..plane crashed," Lexie's voice came to an abrupt stop for a minute. The woman never asked of what happened and their injuries – she just wanted introductions. But everyone seemed to follow Cristina's lead, and Lexie couldn't handle being the one with the special treatment.
After she took another confident breath, Lexie started again. "When the motor failed, the plane crashed into some trees, and the back of the plane came off. I was in the back of the plane. When I woke up, I was crushed underneath the plane's tail from the waist down." Lexie swallowed thickly, tilting her head down to rest her head into her fingers, squinting her eyes shut, "I also couldn't breathe, I was suffering from a massive hemothorax. The chances of survival from my injuries were slim, almost beneath five percent. But I did." Lexie whispered and then lifted her head again to exhale, "And now I'm in a wheelchair…so unlike everyone in this room, I'm not fine or all good." Lexie pursed her lips, not realizing the harshness of her words until they left her lips and she decided it was better to keep staring.
Her mind worked over drive, "Do you know what the number of crashes that happened last year is?" Lexie started as she looked up, staring right at the doctor, "One hundred nineteen crashes. Ours being the very last one. Do you know the fatalities that occurred in these crashes? Seven hundred ninety four fatalities" Lexie whispered, her voice edging into hysterics, "Do you know what's the average of these crashes being cause by a mechanical failure?" Lexie started again as she looked up, "Twenty two. That's the average. Do you know…our crash is considered one of the fatal crashes that occurred in the past year – crashes are categorized by the damage done to the plane. Mechanical failure immediately puts an incident on the most fatal list. Our injuries though are what defined us. If we think of the worst case scenario, two of us should have died. One of us should have lost her leg, the other his hand, and the other her sanity." Lexie muttered quickly, "That's how they judge, based on worst case scenario. Do you know where these crashes are counted and categorized?"
Lexie glanced around, as if waiting for an answer before a small, shaky laugh left her lips. "Do you know what the survival rates of our crash were?" Lexie asked again as she glanced around again. "Fourteen percent." She muttered under her breath and then she clamped her mouth shut and leaned her head down, pressing her fingers against her forehead, tracing against the almost disappearing scar there.
"Okay." She finally heard the doctor exhale and she picked up her notebook again, "I'm going to call you all to send you the timings of our private sessions. But Doctor Grey," Sara turned back to Lexie and the younger Grey looked up at her through teary eyes, "I'm going to have to ask you to come back tomorrow." Sara smiled at her kindly and Lexie pursed her lips, running her tongue over her teeth before she nodded slowly. She'd agreed to bring herself into this so she better stick to her word to the end.
Physical Therapy: Day Twenty-Nine
Trauma Counselor: Session Five
It had been three sessions since the disastrous group session where Lexie practically proved to everyone that she couldn't possibly be okay after all of this. During physical therapy, they went back a few steps – residing back to massaging the muscles of her legs and giving her simple tasks like stretching and curling her toes. Again, Mark helped her stretched her legs – yet throughout all of it, Lexie remained silent. As a matter of fact, for four long days, Lexie has remained nothing but silent. It worried Mark, but he didn't want to pressure her. And that – angered Lexie beyond everything.
After physical therapy, he wheeled her into psych. Her appointments were always before his, since they both came in together. However, Meredith always took Lexie after her session to play with Zola and have some lunch. Derek had tried persuading her into scrubbing in on another surgery, but Lexie refused. She channeled all the feelings she felt into utter and complete silence, dwelling on her own thoughts and pizza.
"So are you planning to say anything or should I complete reading my book?" Sara offered as she leaned back into her leather chair. Lexie glanced up at her. Silence was good, but only for some time. She stared at the woman for a minute before she looked down, "If you want me to talk about what I am feeling, then you should know I have no idea what the hell I am feeling right now." Lexie muttered quickly and pursed her lip, leaning forward to rest her chin against her hand that she propped onto the wheelchair's armrest.
Sara stared at her for a minute before she set her book aside and leaned forward, mimicking Lexie posture, "How about we take it down, one by one? I'll tell you the feeling, and you tell me how it's like." Sara offered and lifted a brow. Lexie stared at her but never gave consent to anything. Sara nodded slowly, "Anger?"
Lexie pursed her lips once and she looked down, "Am I angry?" She asked quietly, should it be to herself or the doctor – Lexie wasn't so sure. "I am." She muttered quickly and looked up. "I am angry. That this happened to me. I'm too young to be going through this, as much as selfish and self-centered this sounds." Lexie shook her head briefly and looked down, remaining silent. Her lips parted once before she clamped them shut.
"Desperation?" Sara offered and Lexie looked up. "I want to walk again." She said, her voice close to helpless. "I want nothing more than to be the person I was before the crash."
"But Lexie, no matter how much you try, you person you were before the crash is long gone now." Sara explained with a frown and Lexie blinked once before she turned to look away, "The harder you try to regain that person, the harder it will be for you to move on."
Lexie closed her eyes, pondering the words for a minute the words she was being told – before she sighed once and looked down. "Fear?" Sara continued, apparently going through the list with alphabetical order. Lexie laughed a little and looked down as her eyes welled up. "I'm scared of a lot of things." Lexie said quickly and shook her head once, "I'm scared of Mark leaving me. I'm scared of never walking. I'm scared of never becoming all that I have wanted to become." Lexie started slowly, "I'm scared of turning to a bitch." Lexie chuckled once before she sighed and looked down.
"Jeaousy?"
Lexie laughed at this one and at the same time wiping away her tears, "Should I tell you of the fact that I'm jealous from ever y person on that plane for moving on with their lives while I'm still stuck in this useless situation." She snapped briefly at the woman and sighed. "How could I be jealous of my own sister?" Lexie scowled and shook her head once. "And Derek, he's almost my brother. I can't be jealous of him. But he can operate. He can stretch his legs." Lexie whispered her words rushed before she leaned back into her wheelchair and closed her eyes, covering her face with her hand.
After a long moment of silence, Lexie sighed, feeling as if a heavy load were lifted of her chest. She looked up at Sara who was smiling at her, and Lexie blinked once - she'd just poured her heart out to this stranger, and she wasn't even eating anything. Sara tilted her head when she the surprise in Lexie's eyes, "You know, keeping all that you felt since that crash bottled up was going to get you to nothing." Sara started, "You put yourself down too easily with all that you have been through, and it had all started piling up until you learned the odds of your walking again. That's when you broke." She explained and Lexie stared at her for a quiet minute, nodding once almost sadly as she looked down. Sara was right, Mark was right, everyone was right.
"We decided getting married after I walked again." Lexie said quickly and looked up at Sara, who again retained an attentive expression as she listened with complete effort. "Mark and I." Lexie smiled, feeling the need to throw that in before she leaned back into the wheelchair, "I made only one condition. That the wedding wouldn't happen unless I could walk down an aisle." Lexie started and pursed her lips. Sara tilted her head, her eyes gentle yet at the same time urging her to go on.
"I expected him to object and say it didn't matter." Lexie repeated what she to Meredith the other day, only in a more eloquent way. Then she let a despondent sigh and looked down, "I think…I think he wouldn't want me much. I mean, Mark is a…man. He has..needs. And If I can't control how my legs work around him, then I'm no good for him. And if I can't satisfy him, he'll find that somewhere else. And it's just so painful to think about. And I can't even understand why he wouldn't tell me otherwise."
"Have you asked him?" Sara stated briefly and Lexie looked up, "Have.." She started, and almost retorted about how much of a stupid idea this was except – it really wasn't so stupid. Lexie pursed her lips and lifted her brows at the simplicity of the solution before she shook her head. "You should. And then next session, we can discuss the outcome of that – or even something else if you want to." Doctor Hastings said with a smile as she got up, "Our time is up, but I'm looking forward to seeing you again." Sara offered and started towards the door, holding it open for Lexie.
Lexie nodded hesitantly as she wheeled herself outside of the office, pursing her lips for a second there as she looked up, seeing Mark and Meredith waiting for her. Lexie felt light enough to smile back at them briefly, and watched as the two exchanged wondrous looks before they both got up. Mark leaned down and pressed a kiss to Lexie's forehead. "Try not to have too much fun without me." Mark teased with a grin as he turned back towards the office. Lexie looked up at Meredith and smiled at her hesitantly. Meredith sighed; almost relieved to see her sister's smile again, before she wheeled her up out of psych and to the daycare in peds.
Lexie sat Zola on her lap and smiled at the little girl as she ran her little, chubby fingers through Lexie's hair. "I missed you too." Lexie mumbled and wrapped her arms around Zola, her eyes flickering up to Meredith for a minute, "I'm sorry." She whispered into Zola's ear and rubbed her back slowly before she hugged her tightly. The toddler seemed confused for a minute before she pecked Lexie's cheek and squirmed to get out of the bear hug she was receiving, really more interested in her aunt's dark curls than anything else. Lexie sighed, smiling a little as she let Zola stand on her lap and tug at her hair.
After daycare, the Greys were huddled on a table in the cafeteria, Lexie eating her salad whilst Meredith ate…everything. Lexie watched her for a minute, her brow arced as a small smile toyed at the corners of her lips, "Have the crazy cravings started yet?" Lexie teased briefly as she stuck a forkful of salad into her mouth. Meredith's eyes flickered up to hers before down at her almost empty, before she shrugged once, "You don't get to judge, stress eater." Meredith accused and narrowed her eyes as she leaned back into her seat, stirring the spoon through the pudding. Lexie chuckled and looked down at her salad.
"Hello, ladies." Mark greeted as he pressed a kiss to Lexie's temple and dragged a seat to sit beside her. Lexie sighed heavily and frowned before she glanced sideways at him and plastered a smile on her face, "How was your session?" She asked, genuinely concerned – wondering if the doctor had told him anything. She knew that she wasn't allowed to; it was the patient-doctor confidentiality protocol but she couldn't help but worry. Mark shrugged once, "I don't know what she wants me to talk about." Mark mused, confused as he picked up the half sandwich on Lexie's tray and bit into it. Lexie tilted her head and smiled, brushing his hair once before she picked the small juice box and sucked it empty.
Following routine, Mark took Lexie back to the apartment. Lexie spent her time reading really – she was secretly preparing for her boards. They were two months away and Lexie was more than determined to pass them. Mark usually held her close to him as they clambered onto the couch silently and watched a movie before they showered and went to bed. However, Lexie's mind was too occupied for sleep to creep up on her as it does usually. She felt Mark's breath on her neck as his arm draped over her stomach and he held her close. One of her hands was tucked beneath her head and the other had laced her fingers through his.
"What's on your mind?" Mark whispered and Lexie blinked, surprised that he was still awake. She remained silent for a minute and Mark sighed, "I know you're awake, Lexie."
Lexie let out a small sigh and she turned a little in his arms – struggling a little to turn her legs but moving them now came back to her easier since she had started the physical therapy sessions again. Lexie put her head down on the pillow as she stared up at Mark, and his hand reach to brush her hair back. Lexie sighed at his touch and propped herself up on her elbow, chewing at the inside of her cheek for a minute before she exhaled. Mark stared at her, his eyes concerned and wide with curiosity – just like they were when she told that she loved him.
"When we discussed…the wedding," Lexie started briefly and pursed her lips once, "When I said that we could only get married if I could walk again-"
Mark immediately interrupted, "I didn't agree to that, Lex. I agreed to make a wedding when you could walk down the aisle."
Lexie stared at him for a minute, "Why didn't you say that?..I thought…I thought you wouldn't marry me if I didn't walk again."
"Is this what this is about?" Mark asked gently and he sighed, "Lexie, I don't care if you walk or not. I really don't. I want to be married to you today more than tomorrow." He muttered as he sat up slowly.
"Then why didn't you say that? We could have gotten married right away." Lexie muttered, still feeling slightly insecure. Mark sighed and shook his head, "Do you want us to repeat the disaster that Owen and Yang did? Look at them now. He cheated on her and she can't even talk to him. They're seeing a marriage counselor."
Lexie stared at him, agape. She didn't see it like this. But she remained silent for a minute. Cristina and Owen did get married out of impulse, out of gratefulness for surviving the shooting. Lexie looked up at him – they survived the plane crash, and she wanted to get married to him. "You still didn't move on, Lex. And wanting to walk down that aisle so bad was….why you still didn't move on." Mark whispered gently as he reached to caress her cheek gently. "And because it meant so much to you, I didn't want to stand in your way. I figured…perhaps….the wedding could be a motive for you to help you move on and walk again, then be it. I just didn't think you would think I didn't want to marry you. I want to. I do." Mark whispered slowly and frowned a little. Lexie stared at him and sighed heavily as she leaned forward, "I'm sorry you're…thinking about this so much." She whispered as she pressed her forehead again his. Mark sighed and wrapped his arm around her, pulling her close. She felt his breath fall on her lips, "I'm sorry. I'm sorry."
"Lex, Lex…" Mark shushed her and looked up into her eyes, "It's okay. I told you. I'll take care of you." He whispered and Lexie smiled, closing her eyes briefly, "I don't know what I will do without you.." She muttered.
"Get sexually frustrated…" Mark answered with a grin as he leaned closer and pressed his lips to hers. Mark pushed her back onto the bed, his hands wandering over her sides, "Miss out on the best sex of your life…" He muttered against her lips, and Lexie let out a breathy giggle and closed her eyes as Mark's lips dipped down her neck and over her shoulder.