WARNING just a quick thing, this add could be triggering for some people.

80 Toms POV

I spent an hour trying to get the doors or windows open, trying to find some keys, not finding a single set. The whole time, I was panicking and freaking out, tears streaming down my face, blurring my already bad vision. When I finally collapsed, out of energy, I was in the bathroom, curled in a ball and unable to even breathe without shuddering. My head smacked hard against the floor, and I remembered my punishment system.

Scrambling up, I grabbed a razor out of the cupboard, and the hidden towel I always used on my arms. I scrubbed off the makeup I had put on them, revealing my abused arms, filled with gashes and scratches. The blade pressed against my arm, releasing blood and my emotions, letting me feel calm again. Finally, I could breathe, and the tears calmed down a little bit. I was still hysterically crying, but not as bad as I had been.

I dropped the blade and laid down on the floor, watching the blood flow out of my arm, finding it calming to watch it. Why hadn't I discovered cutting sooner? I could have prevented so many tears and panic so many times with it, watching blood (and bad actions) run out of me was so therapeutic, I didn't even want to cry anymore. I really should have discovered this before, and not caused so many tears.

Flashback - 25th July 2006

I bit at my nails viciously as I sat on the tour bus bunk, hiding behind the curtain so people couldn't see that I was a nervous wreck. I didn't want to do this gig, I really, really didn't want to do this gig. Couldn't I just do it fully clothed and let the others strip? My body wasn't as good as the others, it was pale and horrible, all fat and no muscle.

"Tom? Tom? Where are you honey?" Dannys Bolton accent broke my angsting, "there you are! I was worried about you! What are you doing in here, huh?...your nervous for G.A.Y, arent you?" Danny read my mind like usual, and I was glad I didn't have to spell it out to my boyfriend. "yeah, a bit. I don't want to do it Dan! I'm scared, and, I don't want people to take the p*ss again." I sighed and looked away, not wanting to talk about what I was going to endure when we got to the club. "they won't take the p*ss Tom, and if they do, f*ck them. We love you, I love you so much, and thats all that should matter, okay? And before you even start, no, your not fat, no your chubby, no your not too skinny. Your perfect, your so perfect to me." Danny reached in and pulled me from my bunk, wrapping me into a hug that I really needed. "thank you, for being so understanding, I love you." I whispered, cuddling into his neck. "no problem honey, you'll be fine. I'll love you all the same, no matter what happens." Danny kissed my head, just as we arrived at the club.

I was fine before the show, mostly listening to Dannys reassuring for over 3 hours, letting him hold me for basically the whole time, not really caring right now if we got found out. Right now, I needed a hug, so I didn't burst into tears and cry until I passed out. Then, we actually had to go out there and do it, get naked, in front a whole load of people, who were clearly going to be staring at me.

The gig was a minor miracle, somehow I didn't mess up, or cry, or panic. Mostly because I had Danny smiling at me the whole time, telling me that it was okay, and I wasn't going to be teased mercilessly for not being as 'fit' as Danny, Harry and Dougie. Towards the end, I could feel myself starting to wobble, that wall I had build around myself starting to crumble, but I managed to keep my resolute until we got off stage. I practically ran to the dressing rooms, getting dressed in lightening time, before running off again, straight into the bus, falling into my bunk again and sobbing. Oh god, they had seen me, holy sh*t, they had seen me, and now all I was going to hear was 'the fat, pale one with the massive chin' all the time.

Suddenly, arms came around me and lifted me up again, and I found it was Danny again, a reassuring smile on his face. "need to hug and have a talk?" he asked, I nodded, clinging to him. And let me tell you, I wasn't let go of until the next morning, when I felt okay again.

Flashback end

I could have stopped that ever happening, I could have stopped him having to hold me for hours on end as I cried. If I had just known of this way of getting rid of everything, everything would have been okay, and Danny could have had a good nights sleep, or spent hours on end playing video games with Harry and Dougie. God I was thick, thicker than Danny was, for not realising before that he wouldn't have wanted me, I was disgusting after all, ugly and disgusting. He needed the best, and I certainly was not the best. It made me even more determined, to not get in his way again, to let him just get on with life with as little interference from me as possible.

81 Dannys POV

I squeezed Brucie close as I watched a home movie in my front room, cuddling into Toms hoodie I was wearing. It was technically both of ours, because the both of us wore it, but Tom was the last person to wear it, and it somehow still smelt of him, so it was still a comfort to me. The door knocked loudly, and I jumped feet, pausing the DVD and running to the door in case it was Tom. I doubted it, all the doors and windows were locked, and I had put the keys under the door mat, somewhere were Tom wouldn't usually look. I felt like evil for not putting the keys in an obvious place, but I really didn't want him to run away again, but I left him some keys so he could get out in an emergency.

Opening the door, I found Harry and Dougie, armed with ice cream and crisps. "let me guess, your moping in here on your own? We've come to cheer you up a bit, and remind you that its only for the day, we're back right away tomorrow, unless Tom needs more time." Harry explained, coming in and sitting himself on the sofa, Dougie falling effortlessly onto his lap. Jealousy rose up a little inside me, because that kind of relationship back, to have my Tom back in my arms, and kiss him until he felt okay again. I wanted to be able to stroke his hair, hold his hand, sit him down on my lap and tickle him until he squealed. I just missed my boyfriend, so much, it was actually probably better while he was still missing, at least then I wasn't being rejected while still being forced to look at his sad little face.

"right, we've brought ice cream and crisps, now pig out!" Dougie smiled opening a bag crisps and shoving a hand full into his mouth. "why? I'm not hungry." I sighed, stroking Ralphies fur as he came up to me, obviously wondering why his owner was so sad. "because stressed spelled backwards is desserts. And ice cream is dessert, so eat. You'll feel better." Dougie said, earning a small giggle from both me and Harry. "I'm not even going to ask how you know that." I rolled my eyes, getting the carton of Ben and Jerrys, eating a scoop, "if you get me fat, I'm going to do training on you." I joked a little, eating another scoop without really caring. I still did a little bit of training, it got out some emotions I couldn't write into songs or sing away, so I could easily work this off later. Plus, this was better than cutting to be honest, and made me feel a bit better.

"I know you will, but, your feeling better already, I think I'm fine." Dougie giggled again, bouncing on Harrys lap until he was comfy. "yeah, shut up you. I may be depressed, but it won't stop me kicking your a*se." I smirked, feeling a little better. "yeah, I'd like to see you try!" Harry laughed, keeping his arms firmly around Dougies waist, to stop him from jumping up and running rings around us both. Dougie may have been known for being lazy and slow, but he d*mn quick when he wanted to be.

In the end, Dougie ended up teasing me until I did jump on him and, with Harrys help, tickled him until he squealed. We were actually on the floor laughing, in a jumbled heap, with poor little Dougie at the bottom. "guys! Get off me! Your both too heavy!" Dougie shoved me off him a little, not doing anything to be honest. "aw, you love it really Butty, cause it means you get things like this." Harry giggled and lent in to kiss the dirty blonde, obviously not being refused in any way.