Chapter 8: Edward's Thoughts

Edward's POV

I always wondered, I always doubted myself. I often fought the inner turmoil that was my mind. When I dumped my daughter in that forest all those years ago I was sure that I had made the right decision. I was sure that I was seeking justice for killing my wife.

But there was one image of my daughter that I would never be able to get out of my mind. When I threw her on the forest floor she was crying her eyes out. There was even a brief two seconds where she held out her arms toward me. Totally helpless and innocent looking. But I didn't care. I wanted her dead. She had endangered my wife throughout the pregnancy. Then Bella almost died giving birth to her. Surely it was that thing's fault. Surely it was all that monster's fault. If she had never existed in the first place then my wife would have never been in danger. But maybe it was my fault to. If I would have just waited until after Bella had been turned, then that thing would not have been around to endanger her in the first place.

But as time went by I began to doubt myself. Was I right? Was she really a monster? Or was I wrong? I could not get the image of a crying baby girl reaching toward me out of my mind. I had left for dead. My own daughter. But surely she was a monster right? She had nearly killed Bella.

But as time went by I started to feel guilty for what I had done. I had left a baby out there to die. I had lied to Bella, and to the rest of my family about what really happened to her. I continued to try to justify myself. That thing was a monster. That thing went against nature. That thing could not be allowed to live.

No matter what I told myself I could not stop the guilt from spreading. I was the only monster here. I had Bella's daughter, my daughter killed. I tried to stop myself from feeling guilty. I really did. I told myself a bunch of different things to justify what I did to her. But nothing ever could. I was the only true monster here. I not only left my daughter to be killed, but I hurt Bella so much with what I did. With my lies.

I felt myself beginning to long for that baby girl. There was a huge part of me that wished that I could go back in time and undo what I did. But that was never going to happen. My baby was dead and it was all my fault.

Sometimes I wondered what would happen if I told Bella what I did. But I was always too afraid. I knew that if she ever found out the truth that she would kill me. I would kill me for what I did to my own child.

But the truth always does have a funny way of coming out. It was not in the way that I had expected at all. I couldn't believe it when I found out that my daughter was alive. That those mutts had adopted her. That one even imprinted on her. I was relieved, happy, and afraid. I felt ten times more guilty when I read the minds of the wolves and saw just what kind of life she had. She did not deserve any of the bad things that happened to her. She did not deserve it at all.

I still didn't want Bella to know the truth. So I did everything that I could to convince her that she was wrong when she realized the truth for herself. Then I made another big mistake. I tried to make the same justifications that I made the night I left her to die. I told them all what I had thought of her the night she was born. I should have at least tried to make up for all the wrong that I did.

Now that my family knows the truth about what happened that night they want nothing to do with me. Bella will never forgive me for what I did. My family will never forgive me. And Renesmee will never forgive me either. Why would she? I, her own father, the very person that should have protected her wanted her dead. It killed me that she would never forgive me for wanting her dead. I made a huge mistake that night she was born. She was a good person. I should have loved her. I should have taken care of her. Now she will never forgive me.

I don't deserve her forgiveness. I don't deserve any of their forgiveness.

I truly am the monster I always said I was.

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