A/N: Thanks so much for reading this story! I'm so grateful for the feedback, and for all the alerts/favorites so far:) I know some of you have watched It's A Boy Girl Thing after reading this, and I think that's awesome, because it's such a funny movie. Hope you guys continue to read and enjoy this story(:
It's A Boy Girl Thing
Ch 3. This Means War
Unfortunately for Elena and for Damon, the curse of the witch Ayana is not like a 'twenty-four hour head cold' as they'd hoped. It's not a forty-eight hour flu either. If only Elena and Damon had been paying more attention at the museum, instead of arguing with each other like a pair of children, they'd never be in this situation. If anyone, they should be blaming themselves. Now they're stuck in these bodies until they've learned their lesson. At the rate they've been going at, it might be a while.
When Damon wakes in the morning, the first thing he does is lift his shirt collar, and take a peek inside. Dammit. The tits are still there. He's still Elena Gilbert. Fuck my life. Like any other normal teenage guy, he always thought it'd be cool to be a girl for a day, so he could have his own set of boobies to play with. But damn, his day is over with, and he misses his manhood.
Speaking of...
Elena wakes up at the sound of the alarm, and realizes she's still Damon when she sees she's got another boner. "What the hell?" She shakes her head and thinks, I am so going to need therapy after this.
Well, if she's stuck in this disgusting body, she's going to at least shower and dress properly. If Damon doesn't mind looking like a grungy slob all the time, that's up to him. But Elena isn't into the whole 'bad boy' look, or the same pair of jeans all week, or every single shirt being black. First, she'll need to take a shower. She's going to just have to suck it up and do it. Otherwise, she is going to waste another hour trying to get rid of this annoying morning wood, and still smell like a dirty gym sock. Boys are gross.
Elena chooses an outfit and spreads it out neatly on the bed before opening the door to the bathroom and stepping inside. The room is foggy and hot, like someone recently took a shower. Very recently.
"What the Hell, Damon?" Stefan asks from behind Elena. She turns around quickly and resists the urge to stare when she sees that her boyfriend is completely nude, oh-so hot, and dripping wet. She's never seen him naked before, so it's pretty hard not to stare. "Uh, hello?"
"S-sorry," Elena finally stutters out, "I didn't realize..." She focuses very hard on Stefan's green eyes, which are more than a little annoyed at the moment, "...you were in here."
"Obviously," Stefan says sarcastically. "Do you mind?"
"O-kay," Elena backs out of the room quickly and shuts the door. She laughs quietly to herself and closes her eyes, remembering what Stefan's...junk...had looked like. She can feel her - well, Damon's - cheeks heat up at the thought. God, what would Stefan think if he knew?
Ten minutes later, Stefan is still not out of the bathroom. Elena knocks and asks timidly, "Stefan, are you still in there?"
His one-word reply, "Yup."
As the minutes tick by, Elena has a feeling Stefan is purposely keeping Damon from the bathroom. She knocks again, "Uh, Stefan? I have to take a shower."
After a long pause, "Too bad." Elena's jaw drops. She's never heard Stefan talk so rudely to her. But then again, he's not talking to her; he's talking to Damon. And Stefan and Damon have never gotten along. Well, not since they hit puberty, anyways.
Elena sighs and comes the conclusion that she's not going to be able to take a shower this morning. Thankfully, Stefan distracted Elena enough to make the wood in Damon's pants disappear. She dresses in the black slacks and white button-up shirt she picked out from the back of Damon's closet. She has a feeling he's not going to be too happy about her choice in apparel, but she doesn't really care. Everything else is dirty, and she hasn't exactly gotten around to doing laundry. Maybe the whole not being able to shower thing will keep Rebekah away from her today. That would be one less thing to worry about...
Damon was thinking the same thing when choosing an outfit for Elena this morning. He tried to find something that would make Elena look less...appealing, but he came to the frustrating realization that this girl doesn't look bad in anything. Well, the hair is really the only Damon messes up without meaning to. How do girls deal with all of this hair? He wonders. Still, even with semi-bed head, he doesn't think it'll be enough to keep Stefan's hands to himself.
At school, Damon waits for Elena to arrive in his body, and when he spots her he grabs her and pulls her behind someone's truck to talk. "Hey," He says with a frown, "I heard about what you said to Rebekah."
"What are you talking about?" Elena asks, seeming preoccupied. Damon gives her a look, and Elena frowns. "Are you kidding? How did you even find out about that? And what did you want me to do? Do it?!"
"Uh, girls talk," Damon points out with an eye-roll, "And Rebekah is no exception. Especially when she gets turned down. I'll be lucky if she ever even lets me touch her funbags again after this. She's very demanding."
"Oh, I'm so sorry," Elena says in a mocking tone, "I wouldn't want to ruin your relationship." Elena puts her hand on her hip, which looks very...well, gay on Damon's body.
"Stop that," Damon orders, "I don't stand like that. You do. Wait a minute." He steps back and looks at what Elena dressed him in. "What-what am I wearing? Where did you get that?"
Elena looks down and then back up at Damon with a shrug, "What's wrong with this? It was in your closet. And everything else is dirty."
"I haven't worn that since like...Homecoming...Freshman Year." Damon shudders. "Not a good night. Why'd you pick that?"
"How was I supposed to know you have some weird, traumatizing experience attached to this shirt?" Elena asks incredulously. "And I'm not complaining about what you put on me, so can we just drop this? Please? I already had a bad morning." She grimaces, "Stefan didn't let me take a shower."
"Stefan is a dick." Damon states.
Anyone listening to this conversation would be very confused. Elena Gilbert claiming her Football Star boyfriend Stefan Salvatore is a dick, and Damon Salvatore dressed up for school? That is very strange and unusual. Lucky for them, no one is listening. All they have to do is keep up the act and they may get through this body-swapping experience with their social lives unscathed...Or not, it's really up to them.
"He is not," Elena insists, "He just doesn't like you."
"Do you even know why?" Damon asks.
"I don't care," Elena says with a very impressive Damon-smirk. "So, I see you actually brought my backpack today. Does that mean you did your homework? Because I did mine." She reaches into Damon's black backpack and pulls out the homework she did marked 'Elena Gilbert'. "Here." She reaches out to give Damon the homework, but he's walking away. "Hey! Where are you going?"
"Wherever I want!" Damon calls without looking back, heading towards Elena's car.
"Class starts in five minutes!" He holds up a French-tipped middle finger in response. "Cute. But seriously, where are you going?!"
Damon has a plan in mind. He sees how Elena is going to be. She doesn't give a shit about him. Not that he cares about her...She blew off band practice, although he can't really expect her to be able to play guitar or know any of the songs. She blew off Rebekah, which he is mad about, but knows he's not exactly right for being angry since he didn't really think Elena would have fucked Rebekah. He also can't decide whether that would be too weird, or kinda hott and kinky? On the other hand, he's not letting Stefan near him in Elena's body, not even with a ten-foot pole, so why would he think Elena wouldn't be thoroughly creeped out at the idea of pretending to be Damon with Rebekah? This whole situation is fucked.
But that doesn't mean he can't have a little fun. Elena doesn't care about his life, and so he doesn't care about hers. There goes her perfect attendance record. She might even get - GASP! - detention. But hey, he'll have the whole Gilbert house to himself to do whatever he wishes.
Damon underestimates Elena's smarts, though. After Damon doesn't show up with her body for first period, she excuses herself to the bathroom to make a phone call. She calls the front office as Mr. Gilbert and explains her absences from her first few classes, because of a doctor's appointment, of course. If Damon doesn't come back by lunch, she'll find his ass and drag him back here. He's not going to ruin her school record.
Thirty minutes before the lunch bell rings, Elena takes out Damon's phone and sends a text to her number: Be back here before the end of lunch or I'm telling Klaus I quit your stupid band.
She receives a text back: Do it. I'll break up with Stefan.
She wants to send another text back stating that if he even tries to make that move she'll tell the entire school, as Damon, that she discovered she has herpes. But she decides not to since she's almost positive he'll be back at school by lunchtime. And she's right, but if she had sent that text things would have most definitely escalated from a small disagreement to a full-out brawl.
When Damon returns to school, he finds Elena sitting with Klaus at his usual table. Klaus raises a curious eyebrow in Damon's direction and watches as his friend follows his uptight virgin neighbor outside to the patio. That's highly unusual...
"Okay, so here's how this is gonna work," Damon announces, pulling a folded piece of paper from the back pocket of Elena's fitted jeans.
"Here's how what's going to work?" Elena asks in a bored tone. She's really starting to catch on with some of Damon's facial expressions. Now if she could only stop standing and sitting so...girly.
"I was wrong about the twenty-four hour bug thing-"
"Clearly," Elena cuts in.
"Shut up," Damon hushes her before continuing, "And since you obviously don't give a shit about my life and what happens, then I'm making some rules. If you want to get your life back in the same condition you left it when our bodies got switched, then you're gonna follow my rules."
Elena snatches Damon's list of rules out of his hands with a scoff. "What the Hell are you talking about, Damon?" She skims it, reading out loud, "No quitting the band...no gay clothes; how is that my fault? These were in your closet. Whatever...no crying in public. Or at all...no 'brother bonding' with Stefan? What do you think I'm going to do? Seduce him with your body? You're majorly messed up in the head...And last but not least, stop messing things up for you and Rebekah. Again, not sure I can help with that. I'm not going to have sex while in your body."
"You're not doing it in yours either," Damon points out. "Unless, of course, you'd like to start now?"
"What do you mean?"
"If you don't want to play by the rules," Damon threatens, "Then I'm going to make your life Hell."
"What could you do?" Elena asks, immediately regretting it.
"What couldn't I do?" Damon shoots back with a smirk.
"Fine." Elena agrees. "But if you get a list; I get a list."
"Fine." Damon nods, and then turns and walks away.
By the end of the day, Elena has her list for Damon. (1. Be nice to Bonnie and Caroline, 2. Study! I can't let my grades slip if I'm going to go to Yale next year, 3. Go to Student Council meetings, 4. Try not to mess things up with Stefan. I really like him, 5. Help me; I have no idea how to play guitar or be a guy.) Elena thinks her list is pretty easy. She's not giving Damon any impossible tasks, so he should have nothing to complain about. In fact, he should be thanking her, because she's going to let him quit cheerleading. She had been thinking it was time to quit anyways; it's just not fun like it used to be.
She passes the note to Damon on her way to Klaus' car.
"What was that?" Klaus asks suspiciously.
"What?" Elena asks with a wide-eyed, innocent gaze, "Nothing."
"Did you just pass a note to your brother's virgin girlfriend?" Klaus' words sound as though he talks about Elena like that all the time, and it kind of hurts her feelings. She shouldn't feel so upset by it. She and Damon practically hate each other, and Klaus is his best friend, so he'd feel the same. Just like Bonnie and Caroline don't care for Damon. It's a vicious circle.
"I...no." Elena denies.
"I saw you," Klaus insists. He starts up the engine of his Mustang, but doesn't make any moves to start driving. He wants an explanation. Damn. Elena had thought Klaus would be too stupid to suspect anything, but she supposes he must not be as stupid as she originally thought. He raises an eyebrow in suspicion before accusing, "You're gonna steal Elena from Stefan, aren't you?"
That's the first time Klaus has used her name. Wait, what did he just say?! "No way," Elena replies, "Why would I do that?"
"Revenge?" Klaus fills in, as if it's the most obvious answer in the world; the only answer.
Why would Damon want revenge on Stefan? Elena wonders. "I…"
"Fine," Klaus sighs, "Don't tell me about it. But if you fuck her, you better tell me all about it. I bet she's not really a virgin. She's probably a closet-slut."
Elena's mouth drops open and she has to bite her tongue to keep from shouting at him indignantly. She may not be a virgin, but she didn't give herself that nickname. And she is not a closet-slut. That annoying British prick!
"Okay, you're seriously freaking me out, dude," Klaus says, finally backing his car out of the parking space and exiting the school lot. "What is going on with you? Do you like the Gilbert girl or something? You blew off Rebekah. You're passing Elena notes, not calling her names or anything…" Klaus trails off, waiting for a reply.
Elena shakes her head, trying to think of something Damon would say. What would Damon say? What would Damon say? She finally settles with, "Of course I don't like her. What the Hell, Klaus? She's-she's-" She can't think of anything insulting to say about herself.
"She's…?" Klaus asks in an amused fashion.
Elena sighs, giving up. "I don't know. But I don't like her. Okay? Just trust me on that. Like is the opposite of what I feel for her."
"All righty then…" Klaus still seems suspicious, but he drops the subject. "So, band practice tonight?"
Fuck! Elena had forgotten she said that. She was thinking Damon would be back in his body today, and she wouldn't have to worry about Klaus bringing up band practice. But how can she bail on him again? She already used a lame excuse yesterday. No way is Klaus going to fall for another. And if she messes up things for Damon in his band, then he's going to mess up her life.
"Uh…" Elena shrugs, "Yeah. Guess so."
"Ric said he'll be home at seven." Klaus informs his best friend, "So, want me to pick you up then?"
"Sure," Elena agrees. "Sounds good." In actuality, it sounds scary and impossible. She doesn't want to go at all, but she's going to do it. No one has ever called Elena Gilbert a quitter before, and she might be in Damon Salvatore's body right now but she's still no quitter. Well, she did quit cheerleading this week, but...that doesn't count.
Damon is pretty surprised at the list Elena made up for him to follow. He thought it would consist of many more rules than just five, and that they'd be a lot harder to follow, but it seems pretty easy. She doesn't want to lose her friends, her boyfriend, or her good grades. Thank God she's not making him do cheerleading. But number five? Asking for his help? That one is going to be tougher. How can she expect them to spend time together, helping each other, when they aren't normally seen together…ever? Everyone will be suspicious. Everyone will wonder what they're doing. Damon knows Klaus is probably already suspicious after seeing a note passed from Damon's hands to Elena's. And Stefan is so territorial; he won't let Damon near Elena. So how the fuck is this going to work?
Damon is sitting on the front steps at the Gilbert home when he watches Klaus pull up with Elena in the passenger seat. He watches her climb out and wave goodbye to Klaus. She glances over at him, her expression…confused? Damon isn't sure, but either way, she goes inside like a good little body-snatcher and he tries to pretend he doesn't notice Stefan's arrival to the house next door.
"Elena." The sound of Stefan's voice makes Damon want to cringe, but he fights off the urge.
"Stefan," He greets, trying to smile happily, as Elena would, "Hi."
"Where were you today? You weren't in class all morning," Stefan asks in a concerned way.
Damon wants to slap the look off his brother's face. What a fake. Like he's really concerned? Yeah right. "I wasn't feeling well this morning," Damon lies, "So I went home to rest for a while."
"Aw, I'm sorry," Stefan coos. "Are you feeling better now?"
Damon isn't sure which way he should take this. If he says he's feeling better, Stefan will assume Elena wants to hang out, but if he says he's not feeling better, will Stefan leave him alone or try and…come inside? Damon decides to go for a more direct route. "A little. I think I'm going to take a nap though."
"Want me to-"
Damon cuts Stefan off by placing Elena's small hand over his mouth and stating sympathetically, "No, I can't let you get sick. You have a big game next week. Don't worry about me. I'll be fine."
"All right," Stefan sighs. He kisses his girlfriend on the cheek before heading next door to his house.
Damon retreats into the safety of the Gilbert home, thanking his lucky stars Stefan cares more about himself and the football game next week than comforting his girlfriend. Poor Elena. She actually thinks Stefan is in love with her or something. Damon knows he's not, though. He knows when Stefan is being fake; putting on a front. Maybe Elena will realize Stefan isn't a friggin' saint after she spends some time getting to know the real Stefan. Nah. She'll just assume its Damon's fault. She won't realize the truth about Stefan until it's too late. Just like he didn't realize the truth about Katherine…
Damon didn't plan to actually fall asleep when he went upstairs to Elena's room, kicked off her shoes, and laid down in her bed. That is what happened though. He blames the bed. It's the most comfortable thing he's ever laid down on. Seriously, he might have to steal this bed from Elena once he gets his body back, that's how comfortable it is.
It takes him a moment to realize what woke him up. Then it starts ringing again. Elena's cell phone.
"Hello?" He greets without looking at the caller-ID.
"Okay, please don't be mad at me…"
He wasn't expecting on his own voice to be on the other line. "Elena?"
"No, the other person trapped in your body!" Elena returns sarcastically, "Yes, it's me!"
"Well what do you want?" Damon snaps, annoyed at her sarcasm. That's his thing. She can't steal that just because she stole his body.
Elena sighs into the phone, "Okay, just, come over to the window and I'll explain."
Damon groans and climbs off the bed, walking over to Elena's huge window and taking a seat on the window seat. He sees his own face staring across from his room in the house next door. His face looks…guilty, and a little scared. Damon tosses the phone aside and pulls open the window.
"What did you do?" He asks, crossing his arms over his chest in a very Elena-like pose.
Elena grimaces and shakes her head, "I don't want to tell you until you promise not to be mad."
Damon shakes his head, "No way. I'm not making any promises."
"Fine," Elena says decidedly, "But it was an accident, and I am so, so sorry…but I broke your guitar."
"What?!"
"I'm sorry!" Elena repeats, truly meaning what she says. It was a total accident. She would never purposely break something that she knew meant so much to Damon. Especially not after establishing ground rules. That'd be very stupid on her part.
But Damon is so angry, all he sees is red. To him, it wasn't an accident. Elena did it on purpose, to sabotage him, and to sabotage his band. She broke the guitar to get out of playing it because she doesn't know how. She's going to ruin his life!
"Shouldn't have done that, Elena," Damon says in a warning tone.
"Damon," Elena says seriously, pleading for him to listen to her, "I swear, it was an accident. I'm really sorry. What can I do-"
"Nothing!" Damon yells. He glares as harshly as possible with this sickly cute face of Elena's. "Just sit back and watch the show."
"What show?" Elena asks, feeling nauseas now.
"You'll see," Damon says with a scary smirk. "This means war, Elena."
A/N: Feedback is appreciated! Next chapter, things are going to get very…awkward/hilarious/mortifying…you take your pick when you read it;)
If you have a moment, check out the poll on my profile page to help me decide which story idea to start next. Thanks!