Chapter 2: Roast Mutton

Dawn woke and quietly got dressed, having had slept in nothing more than her t-shirt and underwear. She went down into the inn proper and saw that the dwarves were not there. She wondered if maybe they and Gandalf had left without her, or if they were still asleep themselves. She was beginning to have second thoughts about this little quest of theirs. She did not really want to go up against a dragon. Of course it had sounded like Gandalf might be her only way home also. She decided it would not be best to worry about it on an empty stomach. So she sat and ordered her breakfast. She was just finishing the meal when in walked Gandalf.

"My dear Ms. Summers," said Gandalf, "whenever are you going to come? And here you are having breakfast, or whatever you call it, at half past ten! They left you the message, because they could not wait."

"What message?" Dawn asked all in a fluster.

"Great Elephants!" said Gandalf as he stood and made his way over to the inn keeper and retrieved an envelope. He returned to Dawn and handed it to her.

Dawn took out a note from the envelope and read it:

"Thorin and Company to Burglar Dawn Summers greeting! For your offer of professional assistance our grateful acceptance. Terms: cash on delivery, up to and not exceeding one fourteenth of total profits (if any); all travelling expenses guaranteed in any event; funeral expenses to be defrayed by us or our representatives, if occasion arises and the matter is not otherwise arranged for. Thinking it unnecessary to disturb your esteemed repose, we have proceeded in advance to make requisite preparations, and shall await your respected person outside the inn at 11 a.m. sharp. Trusting that you will be punctual. Yours deeply, Thorin & Co."

"That leaves you just ten minutes." said Gandalf. "Enough time for the two of us to chat."

"About?" asked Dawn.

"About your going home," said Gandalf. "I have only been to your world a handful of times. And each time it was through a portal like the one that brought you. And since such portals are by nature unreliable as to when and where they open. I will have to do some research and see if we cannot find another way to send you home. It could take a great deal of time. It is why I persuaded Thorin to allow you to accompany him and the others instead of Mr. Baggins. That way you do not have to worry about when I return with news. You will be sufficiently distracted by the coming journey."

Dawn thought about it and nodded. "That sounds reasonable. And I thank you in advance for trying to find a way for me to return home," she said.

"Your quite welcome, Ms. Summers," said Gandalf. "I see it is two minutes till. I would suggest you meet Balin outside.

Dawn nodded as she got up from the table and headed out the door.

"Bravo!" said Balin when he spotted Dawn.

Just then all the others came round the corner of the road from the village. They were on ponies, and each pony was slung about with all kinds of baggages, packages, parcels, and paraphernalia. There was even a horse, apparently for Dawn.

"Up you two get, and off we go!" said Thorin.

They rode for many a mile with Gandalf beside them. Dawn noticed that to some degree that the dwarves didn't take much notice of her despite many a friendly overture. It was nearly night when they crossed over a river. Then they stopped and setup camp, and Thorin muttered something about supper, "and where shall we get a dry patch to sleep on?" Not until then did they notice that Gandalf was missing.

"Just when a wizard would have been most useful, too," groaned Dori and Nori.

Suddenly one of the ponies took fright at nothing and bolted. He got into the river before they could catch him; and before they could get him out again, Fili and Kili were nearly drowned, and all the baggage that he carried was washed away off him. Of course it was mostly food, and there was mighty little left for supper, and less for breakfast.

Balin, who was always their lookout man, suddenly said, "There's a light over there!"

Over on a nearby hill there looked to be a campfire.

They led their ponies and Dawn's horse over to the hill and suddenly a red light shone out very bright through the tree-trunks not far ahead.

"Now it is the burglar's turn," the dwarves said, meaning Dawn, who once again wished she had not come.

"You must go on and find out all about that light, and what it is for, and if all is perfectly safe and canny," said Thorin. "Now scuttle off, and come back quick, if all is well. If not, come back if you can! If you can't, hoot twice like a barn-owl and once like a screech-owl, and we will do what we can."

Dawn made her way over to the fire without disturbing anyone. She spotted three very large persons sitting round a very large fire of beech-logs. Dawn was sure they were trolls. She remembered Buffy telling her of Olaf, the troll Willow had accidentally freed from an amulet.

"Mutton yesterday, mutton today, and blimey, if it don't look like mutton again tomorrow," said one of the trolls.

"Never a blinking bit of manflesh have we had for long enough," said a second. "What the 'ell William was a-thinkin' of to bring us into these parts at all, beats me—and the drink runnin' short, what's more," he said jogging the elbow of William, who was taking a pull at his jug.

William choked. "Shut yer mouth!" he said as soon as he could. "Yer can't expect folk to stop here forever just to be met by you and Bert. You've et a village and a half between yer, since we come down from the mountains. How much more d'yer want? And time's been up our way, when yer'd have said 'thank yer Bill' for a nice bit o' fat valley mutton like what this is." He took a big bite off a sheep's leg he was roasting, and wiped his lips on his sleeve.

Dawn watched the trolls, Buffy had told her that Olaf had liked to drink ale and eat babies. But these trolls seemed to be like a dumb cousin to Olaf.

Bert and Tom went off to the barrel. William was having another drink. Dawn quietly turned and was about to head back to the dwarves when she stepped on a twig and it snapped.

"'Ere, 'oo are you?" William said as he turned to face Dawn. He grabbed her by the neck, before she could duck behind the tree. "Blimey, Bert, look what I've copped!"

"What is it?" said the others coming up. "Lumme, if I knows! What are yer?"

"Dawn Summers, sister to Buffy Summers the Vampire Slayer," said Dawn. She wondered for but a moment if today was Tuesday. It seemed very possible it was as she always seemed to get into all manner of trouble on Tuesdays.

"Can yer cook her?" said Tom.

"Yer can try," said Bert, picking up a skewer.

"She wouldn't make above a mouthful for each of us," said William, "not when she was skinned and boned."

"P'raps there are more like her round about, and we might make a pie," said Bert. "Here you, are there any more of your sort a-sneakin' in these here woods, yer nassty little rabbit," said he looking Dawn.

"Please don't cook me, kind sirs!" said Dawn. "I am a good cook myself, in fact my sister is a bad cook and I cook for the both of us all the time. I'll cook a perfect breakfast for you, if only you won't have me for supper."

"Poor blighter," said William. "Poor blighter! Let her go!"

"I don't want to have me throat cut in me sleep! Hold her toes in the fire, till she talks!" said Bert.

"I won't have it," said William. "I caught her anyway."

"You're a fat fool, William," said Bert, "as I've said afore this evening."

"And you're a lout!"

"And I won't take that from you, Bill Huggins," says Bert, and put his fist in William's eye.

Dawn scrambled out of the way of the way of the trolls as they began to fight each other.

That would have been the time for Dawn to have left. But she was out of breath, and her head was going round; so there she lay for a while panting, just outside the circle of firelight.

Right in the middle of the fight up came Balin. The dwarves had heard noises from a distance, and after waiting for some time for Dawn to come back, or to hoot like an owl, they started off one by one to creep towards the light as quietly as they could. No sooner did Tom see Balin come into the light than he gave an awful howl. Trolls simply detest the very sight of dwarves (uncooked). Bert and Bill stopped fighting immediately, and "a sack, Tom, quick!" they said. Before Balin, who was wondering where in all this commotion Dawn was, knew what was happening, a sack was over his head, and he was down.

"There's more to come yet," said Tom, "or I'm mighty mistook. Lots and none at all, it is," said he. "No sisters of Vampire Slayers, but lots of these here dwarves. That's about the shape of it!"

"I reckon you're right," said Bert, "and we'd best get out of the light."

And so they did. With sacks in their hands they waited in the shadows. As each dwarf came up and looked at the fire, and the spilled jugs, and the gnawed mutton, in surprise, pop! went a nasty smelly sack over his head, and he was down. Soon Dwalin lay by Balin, and Fili and Kili together, and Dori and Nori and Ori all in a heap, and Oin and Gloin and Bifur and Bofur and Bombur piled uncomfortably near the fire.

"That'll teach 'em," said Tom; for Bifur and Bombur had given a lot of trouble, and fought like mad, as dwarves will when cornered.

Thorin came last—and he was not caught unawares. He came expecting mischief, and didn't need to see his friends' legs sticking out of sacks to tell him that things were not all well. He stood outside in the shadows some way off, and said: "What's all this trouble? Who has been knocking my people about?"

"It's trolls!" said Dawn from behind a tree. "They're hiding in the bushes with sacks. They caught me when I was coming back to try and warn you. When they started fighting I tried to get away."

"It is okay, Ms. Dawn," said Thorin. "Now we must rescue the others."

"My sister faced a troll once," Dawn said. "Though he was a tad bit smarter than these. Still we need a plan."

"She is right, Thorin."

They turned around to face Gandalf and Dawn smiled.

"To rescue the others a plan is needed. It is nearly dawn, if we can just stall them till then," Gandalf said. "Then they would turn to stone in the light of day, forever."

"And how do we go about doing that?" Thorin asked.

Just then they noticed the trolls were arguing now about whether they should roast them slowly, or mince them fine and boil them, or just sit on them one by one and squash them into jelly.

"That gives me an idea," Gandalf said. "I am very good at throwing my voice."

"And you'll make them think you are one of them," Dawn said. "Buying us time till the turn to stone."

"Yes," Gandalf said.

The trolls decided to roast the them now and eat them later—that was Bert's idea, and after a lot of argument they had all agreed to it.

"No good roasting 'em now, it'd take all night," said Gandalf and the trolls thought it was William.

"Don't start the argument all over again, Bill," Bert said, "or it will take all night."

"Who's a-arguing?" said William, who thought it was Bert that had spoken.

"You are," said Bert.

"You're a liar," said William; and so the argument began all over again. In the end they decided to mince them fine and boil them. So they got a great black pot, and they took out their knives.

"No good boiling 'em! We ain't got no water, and it's a long way to the well and all," said Gandalf. Bert and William thought it was Tom.

"Shut up!" said Bert and William, "or we'll never have done. And yer can fetch the water yerself, if yer say any more."

"Shut up yerself!" said Tom, who thought it was William's voice. "Who's arguing but you, I'd like to know."

"You're a booby," said William.

"Booby yerself!" said Tom.

And so the argument began all over again, and went on hotter than ever, until at last they decided to sit on the sacks one by one and squash them, and boil them next time.

"Who shall we sit on first?" said Gandalf.

"Better sit on the last fellow first," said Bert. He thought Tom was talking.

"Don't talk to yerself!" said Tom. "But if you wants to sit on the last one, sit on him. Which is he?"

"The one with the yellow stockings," said Bert.

"Nonsense, the one with the grey stockings," said Gandalf.

"I made sure it was yellow," said Bert.

"Yellow it was," said William.

"Then what did yer say it was grey for?" said Bert.

"I never did. Tom said it," William said.

"That I never did!" said Tom. "It was you."

"Two to one, so shut yer mouth!" said Bert.

"Who are you a-talkin' to?" said William.

"Now stop it!" said Tom and Bert together. "The night's gettin' on, and dawn comes early. Let's get on with it!"

"The dawn take you all, and be stone to you!" said Gandalf just as the first rays of dawn came over the hill, and there was a mighty twitter in the branches.

William never spoke for he stood turned to stone as he stooped; and Bert and Tom were stuck like rocks as they looked at him as they too turned to stone.

"Excellent!" said Gandalf, as he, Thorin and Dawn stepped from behind the trees, and untied the bags that held the dwarves. After they were done the dwarves had to hear Dawn's account of what had happened to her twice over, before they were satisfied.

The dwarves all readily agreed that while Dawn had been captured, she couldn't be blamed for what happened to them because she had tried to come back and warn them.

"All we wanted was fire and food!" said Bombur with a sigh.

"And that's just what you wouldn't have got of those fellows without a struggle, in any case," said Gandalf. "Anyhow you are wasting time now. Don't you realize that the trolls must have a cave or a hole dug somewhere near to hide from the sun in? We must look into it!"

They searched about, and soon found the cave. But they could not open it.

"Would this be any good?" asked Dawn. "I found it on the ground where the trolls had their fight." She held out a key.

Gandalf grabbed it and fitted it into the keyhole. Then the stone door swung back with one big push, and they all went inside. There were bones on the floor and a nasty smell was in the air; but there was a good deal of food jumbled carelessly on shelves and on the ground, among an untidy litter of plunder, of all sorts from brass buttons to pots full of gold coins standing in a corner. There were lots of clothes, too, hanging on the walls—too small for trolls, I am afraid they belonged to victims—and among them were several swords of various makes, shapes, and sizes. Three caught their eyes particularly, because of their beautiful scabbards and jeweled hilts.

Gandalf and Thorin each took one of these; and Dawn took the third.

"These look like good blades," said Gandalf, half drawing them and looking at them curiously. "They were not made by any troll, nor by any smith among men in these parts and days; but when we can read the runes on them, we shall know more about them."

"Let's get out of this horrible smell!" said Fili. So they carried out the pots of coins, and such food as was untouched and looked fit to eat, also one barrel of ale which was still full. By that time they felt like breakfast, and sat down and ate from the trolls' larder.

And then they slept. When they woke later that afternoon they resumed their journey towards the East.

"Where did you go to, if I may ask?" said Thorin to Gandalf as they rode along.

"To look ahead," said Gandalf.

"And what brought you back in the nick of time?"

"Looking behind," said Gandalf.

"Exactly!" said Thorin; "but could you be more plain?"

"I went on to spy out our road. It will soon become dangerous and difficult. Also I was anxious about replenishing our small stock of provisions. I had not gone very far, however, when I met a couple of friends of mine from Rivendell."

"Where's that?" asked Dawn.

"Don't interrupt!" said Gandalf.

"Look," Dawn said in a fit of anger. "Don't forget I'm not from your world. I don't know nothing about it."

"Quite right," Gandalf said. "My apologies. Now you will get there in a few days now, if we're lucky, and find out all about it then. As I was saying I met two of Elrond's people. They were hurrying along for fear of the trolls. It was they who told me that three of them had come down from the mountains and settled in the woods not far from the road: they had frightened everyone away from the district, and they waylaid strangers. I immediately had a feeling that I was wanted back. Looking behind I saw a fire in the distance and made for it. So now you know. Please be more careful, next time, or we shall never get anywhere!"

"Thank you!" said Thorin.