I make it back to Lucinda's house in record time, like I stepped out of Thomas' door and into mine. I don't care if Carmel saw me. Let Thomas deal with his own mess.
Maybe I'm a hypocrite, because I can't deal with mine.
"Anna?" My aunt calls as I sprint up the stairs and slam my bedroom door shut behind me. "Are you okay?"
"I'm fine!" I yell through the wood. No I'm not. Tears are streaming down my face and I can barely breathe. Useless, useless, useless! You should just keep your mouth shut! My mother was right about me. I am no good. I sink to the floor, sobbing, hugging my knees to my chest. Maybe if I make myself small enough, I'll vanish altogether. Then I won't be around to hurt anyone else- or myself.
"Anna?" That's not Lucinda. And the voice is far too close to be downstairs. I raise my head, tears blurring my vision.
"Cas?" I whisper, hardly daring to believe it. I know some ghosts can teleport, but why would he want to be anywhere near me? He crouches down in front of me.
"I'm sorry," he says quietly. "To be honest, I should be kind of flattered, that you forgot I was dead. Look, I know you've seen some serious crap. I used to hunt ghosts too; I know how it is."
"Did you ever get anyone killed?" I ask softly. He hesitates.
"Other than myself?" It's a bad joke, but I smile weakly. "No. But I did see my mom, after she found my body. And I'll never stop feeling guilty for leaving her."
"No one's dead because of you, though." I shake my head at him. "I killed Malvina and Elias while they were still breathing! And Maria's rotting in prison somewhere. My fault. The driver I hitched a lift with for my first ghost- he didn't want to pick me up, you know. He didn't even know what he was doing. He thought I was a runaway or something. He said he'd drive me home. I- I gave him bad directions, just so I could be on the ghost's road. And that eleven year old girl, her name was Meghan. She-"
"Stop." Cas gently pulls my hands away from my face. "Don't do that. I never killed anyone when I was alive, but I've killed loads since I've been dead."
"That's different. That was a curse."
"So? I still killed those people. I still feel guilty as hell about it. But you can't let it eat you like that. Meghan and the driver- they were just in the wrong place at the wrong time."
"Only because I put them there."
"No. Because life hates everyone and treats us all like shit. So does death, actually." I nod, trying to smile. But I can't. I can't make my lips work. Cas can see that. So he does it for me.
He leans forward and slides one hand under my chin, carefully tilting my head up so we're level. I stare into the depths of his dark eyes and lean in, obliterating any last trace of distance between us.
And then we're kissing, our lips locked together, gently at first, but then harder, more insistent, as if we're making up for lost time. I run my fingers through his hair and wrap my arms around him. He pushes his mouth against mine with more urgency, and I'm fighting fire with fire. I close my eyes and it's like I'm chained to a shooting star, but instead of falling, we're only going up. I don't want it to end. I want to go further, to stay forever. But I'm alive. I have to breathe, even if he doesn't.
Slowly, reluctantly, I pull away, my body still pressed against Cas. Somewhere inside me, a girl with a brain is screaming that I just kissed a boy who's been dead for five years. If I saw her, I wouldn't recognise her. He doesn't feel dead to me. He is more alive, more real, than anyone I have ever known.
And he is mine.
I've wanted him since the moment I set eyes on him, the ghost who was forced to kill by a curse. That wild, terrifying thing who carried almost as much guilt as me. I wanted him, I just couldn't admit it to myself. Maybe I didn't even recognise it. I've felt anything remotely like this wondrous emotion before. I think I know what it's called, too. I raise my head again to look Cas in the eye.
"I love you," I whisper. He smiles. He is so perfect when he smiles.
"I love you too," he breathes.
I know it's impractical. I know it will be nigh on impossible to make it work. But we will do it. We will be together, no matter what the cost.
I haven't felt love in a long time. And now I have it, come hell or high water, I will not allow anyone to take it from me.