xxPUDDxx - haha! :D

142 Toms POV

"Tom, do you want me to stay with you here tonight?" Danny asked, lifting my chin up to look at him. I kept my eyes downcast and shook my head, moving my huge jaw away from his large perfect hands. "Tom, speak to me, do you want me to stay in here with you tonight? I won't mind, you are my boyfriend after all, we are supposed to share beds and stuff anyway. And if you need someone to hold tonight, then I'm here, just say the word." Danny bent to my level instead, keeping a good hold of my hair, his fingers entangled with the blonde strands.

"I-I'm fine. I don't need anyone." I lied, all I wanted was to curl up into his arms and never let go. But I couldn't, I had failed so badly today, I doubted highly that Danny was anything less than seething at me. He wouldn't want to share a bed with me on any normal day, let alone now, not when I had messed up an interview and performance, then cried the whole way home, like a little attention seeker. "you sure? I can stay if you want me to, its no trouble." Danny carried on, was he trying to make me give in and make him even more angry with me?!

"I-I'm sure, I don't need anyone. Just go home, I'll be alright." I managed to lie again, fisting my hands so I didn't start scratching at my arms. "okay, I won't go home, I've made that mistake before. But I'll be in the spare room down the hall alright? I don't care what time it is, if you need me then come down and wake me up. Or just get into bed and cuddle if thats what you want, so just, don't beat yourself up about this. Get to sleep, its been a long day. You'll feel better in the morning, I love you." Danny ended his speech with a kiss to my forehead, he then turned the TV on, found something that wouldn't freak me out, turned it on mute and pulled the covers over me.

I waited a whole 10 minutes after he went his room before I got up again, sneaking into the bathroom and bursting into tears. The performance had failed, and the interviewed failed too, and it was all my fault. If I had just kept my mouth shut, or spoken with more confidence, the interview would have gone well. If I had just been defiant enough to make Dougie sing by himself then no-one would have had to have heard my voice, and if I had practised harder, I wouldn't have messed up playing completely. There hadn't been a single chord I had played right, or a note sung right. Because of me, the whole thing went awfully, and I had made Fletch angry with the lot of us. Everything was my fault, I just couldn't hack it, I couldn't take being there again! I was so worried with the whole thing I couldn't even concentrate on being a good musician, so I flunked it.

I had to be punished, I had to teach myself to stop it, to get a grip and actually manage to do this properly. I scrambled over to the cupboard, pulling out my shiny razor, and my 'cutting towel' as I called it. It had been crystal white a few months ago, now it was the colour of dried blood, there wasn't a patch left of clean towel. I didn't even care, this was my towel I dried up my blood with, why should I clean something that reminded me of the beautiful blood dripping from my arm? It was the best sight I could produce, so it reminded me I could create something beautiful.

The cool blade pressed to my arm, my skin ribboning open, a trail of red flowing down my forearm to the floor. Ahh, sweet release, this felt heavenly, but at the same time, extremely painful. It hurt because I was clearly bleeding, but heavenly because I was releasing my mistakes, correcting them on my skin. It felt so good to finally get rid of some of this hatred I had for myself, for my mistakes, there was no other way to get rid of it. And right now, I felt calm, and almost normal. I was bleeding, I was human. For a few blissful seconds, I was human.

143 Dannys POV

Laying in the bed in the spare room, I still felt like I had failed Tom, failed at making him feel better and giving him the support he needed. I tossed and turned for at least an hour, debating whether or not I should go back in to his room, go and talk to him, get him to open up about why he was so sure he was in the wrong. In the end, I decided to go and see to Tom, just to check if he was awake or not, if he wasn't I could always just get into bed with him and hold him. It could give him some subconscious support or something, I knew that I always felt better after a bad night when waking up in the arms of someone I loved.

So carefully, I crept down the hall, opening the door to find Tom. He wasn't in the bed, or on the floor, but I could hear him crying. My heart broke as I heard him sobbing, he had cried so much today, he shouldn't be feeling like this, and he shouldn't have to lie about it either. I followed the heart breaking sound all the way to the bathroom, gasping when I saw the mess I called a human.

Tom was laying on the bathroom floor, shoulders heaving with sobs, and, oh god, there was blood. Blood smeared on his clothes and on the floor, his arm was bleeding horribly, from at least 2 places. I knew this position from experience, and it broke my heart to realise that this had been going on for as long as he had been back. "Tom? Tom are you alright?" it was a stupid question with an obvious answer, but I couldn't think of anything else to say.

As soon as I spoke, Tom leapt feet and scrambled into the corner of the room, eyes blown wide, like a deer caught in the headlights. "y-yeah, fine, everythings fine." Tom blatantly lied, and he knew that I wasn't going to buy that. "then whats all this then? How long has this been happening?" I crawled closer, watching him tense up. "whats been happening? Nothings been happening! I'm fine! Really!" Tom managed to stop his tears and put on a smile, to a less experienced eye, it looked like a real smile, to me, his eyes were panicked, but otherwise dead. "don't lie to me, I know whats happening. You're cutting, aren't you?" I stayed back, so he didn't panic even more, trying to stay calm because right now, I wanted to hurt myself. For not realising this was happening, but when we checked, there hadn't been any cuts, I was sure there hadn't been anything there! Was this just a new thing or what?

"what? No! Of course not! I just, er, dropped the razor and it cut me, thats all!" Toms excuse was weak, he was still holding the blade in his hand, clutching at it tightly. "yeah right! There wouldn't be this much blood if you had done that! Tell me, I want to help you." I pleaded, shuffling forward again and prying the razor out of Toms hands. "its nothing okay?! Nothing is going on! I dropped the razor and it cut deep okay?! I haven't done anything!" Tom cried, fighting me when I grabbed hold of his arms, wanting to see the damage he had done to his pretty arms. "then why won't you let me see your arms then? How many times has the 'razor slipped' from your hand and cut deep then? I know you've done it before, that time when you were in hospital but ran away again before we got to you. Do you really think I'm going to fall for 'the razor slipped' when I know its happened before? I'm not here to judge, I just want to help you." I finally managed to tug his arm away from his chest, looking at his poor abused arm.

There were so many cuts on his left arm, he was literally covered in them, from his wrist to his elbow, the whole arm had cuts all over. It made me tear up, to see what my poor baby was doing to himself, when he didn't deserve it. "I'm sorry! Don't tell anyone, please!" Tom begged, he gave up smiling and instead looked like he was a scared little boy, in some ways I guess he was.