Neon Douche - i'm sorry you feel that way, but i do write really long fics, that don't really have climaxes to them, they're a progression of struggles and getting through bad times, because i don't like rushing through the story without giving it the detail i think it deserves. i like to write through their emotions, and show why the boys do the things they do. but i promise that soon there will be more things happening than just talking and emotion. i'm really sorry that you feel like its dragging, i'm just trying to be thorough in the explanation of what is going through everyones heads.
164 Toms POV
"I-I can't stop, I-I'll drag you down with me." I cried, knowing that I would drag Danny down with me if we tried to stop together. I didn't even want to stop, I wanted to carry on like this, I liked cutting, watching the blood come out of me and fix my mistakes. Yes, I was ashamed of my scars, but I didn't want to stop this, it had taken over me and I didn't want it to let go. It was the best way possible for me to end this suffering, I didn't want to stop and throw it all away.
"no, you won't. You won't drag me down further, we'll help each other out, okay? Then we can sort out everything else." Danny smiled a little, keeping my face in his hands, it was starting to freak me out. "please, stop touching me. Just stop with everything. Please stop it." I pleaded, out of anything else to say to stop this. I wanted Danny to stop self harming like me, I wanted him to be clean from the disease that had infected us both, but I didn't want to stop. It was the only reason I coped right now, I only managed to function when I cut because I felt human and clean from my mistakes.
"why? Whats so wrong with touching you now? Have the scars freaked you out?" Danny asked, wiping away my tears. "no! Yes, maybe. You shouldn't have done it! You shouldn't have ever even thought of it! You've permanently scarred yourself! You're perfect and now look! You've ruined yourself!" I cried, not wanting to reveal my feelings towards him. I loved Danny with everything, with every fibre of my being, but I couldn't trust him, he would lie to me again, every single compliment and 'I love you' were lies, and I couldn't trust him to not lie to me like that anymore.
"I'm not perfect, but I know what I've done, and thats its going to be there forever. I know I shouldn't have started and should have talked to someone, but you should have too! You should have said something too, then neither of us would have these scars anymore." Danny sighed, fighting to keep my face in his hands as I tried to pull away. "stop it. Stop trying to care when you're the one who wants help." I managed to shove him away, running to the door again, banging on it and demanding to be let out. Of course, no-one let me out, there wasn't even the sound of movement from the outside, everyone had abandoned us in here until we talked it out. I felt trapped, I didn't want to be here anymore, I wanted out before I blurted something.
"what? I'm not trying to care, I do care! I want you to stop hurting yourself too, don't you want to stop?" Danny grabbed my arm and pulled me to face him, though I couldn't even look at him. I hated eye contact still and I hated the idea of looking someone straight in the eyes while they lied to me. "no, I like it. I don't want help. You can get help and stop but I don't want to." I scratched at my arm again, not wanting to be here so badly. Maybe if I started bleeding again I would be let go of so I could sort myself out and I didn't have to put up with this. "what? Are you serious? This could kill you Tom, don't you realise that? Don't you see how dangerous this is? Why do you think I want to stop this cr*p? Why don't you want to stop?" Danny shouted, grabbing my other hand too and pinned me to the wall.
"because I don't! I like the blood! I like seeing the scars! Okay? I don't want to be stopped! And maybe one day I will die because of it and I won't care! I'll welcome it! At least then I won't be here to see all your 'concern' and have you lying to me everyday!" I shouted, writhing against Dannys controlling hands. "you what?! Tom please don't tell me you're suicidal, please. And I'm not lying! How many times have I said this, I am not lying to you! I love you, why would I lie to you?" Danny was doing very well at acting this, tears were welling in his eyes.
"well there's a lie there already! I know you don't love me, its impossible to love me, hell its impossible to even like me, and don't argue with me I will not believe you. And no I am not suicidal, I just don't care if I live or die anymore. Now shut up and let me go, I'm sick of this now." I growled, fighting against his overpowering body to get free. "oh god, Tommy, I didn't realise you were this bad! I am so sorry baby, so sorry." Danny let those tears fall, stroking my face, making me whimper. Could he stop touching me before I fell for the same old tricks again? "will you stop it? Just please, stop it! Just f*ck off trying to care! I know you don't care, you never have! Stop feeling so sorry for me, I am not that pathetic!" I started crying myself, just wanting to have real love from Danny, real love that made him care for me and love me and kiss me and be perfect. I had thought we had that but we didn't, we had nothing like that. We had lies built upon lies, with me being an idiot for believing it, and Danny being in pain because I had believed all the lies. We had been living a fantasy, and reality was the worst thing imaginable.
"I know you're not pathetic! You're anything but pathetic. Stop listening to Fletchs outbursts! He is being an a*sehole and you know it. And I have always cared Tom, always cared for you, you're everything to me and you can't see it. You've never seen how much you mean to me, I don't think you ever will. I love you with everything, and you never even realise it, I think you're perfect, and you have never believed me once when I've told you. You're everything to me, I just wish you would see that." Danny wrapped his arms around me, still pinning me to the door, holding me close in his arms.
"what do you like about me then, huh? Tell me what you like about me, prove it." I glared, keeping the anger inside me, so I didn't fall for it just so my heart got ripped out again. "I love everything about you Tommy, everything single little thing." Danny answered, pushing some of my lank hair from my face. "liar, tell me things, convince me that you like me." I challenged, moving my head away from his hand, hoping he would come up the cliché stuff so I didn't believe him and the heart ache would go away faster.
"wasn't 'I'd Lie' enough?" Danny sighed, I knew it, he had nothing. "no, you just could have written that about anyone, and just added in the favourite colour and being born on the 17th in." I shook my head, moving out of his arms, I didn't want to be in them while he tried to come up with something decent. "okay, well lets see then. I think that you're beautiful, on the inside and out. You're so nice to everyone around you, and even when you feel sh*t, you treat people like they're the most important person in the world. You care about everyone around you, and put them before yourself every time. Your eyes are perfect, so deep and expressive, and when you smile, you light up the room. Your laugh is the most infectious thing I've ever heard and it still gives me butterflies to hear, and when you laugh because of me, I don't have butterflies, I have full pterodactyls inside. Your always so cuddly, and never deny anyone a hug. That explain it?" Danny tried, it didn't work. He had just described himself, not me, everything was him, not me.
"no, stop describing yourself and admit that you don't love me! Stop trying now, I get it, you don't love me, so just drop it and let me go. Stop taking the p*ss now, I know everything." I sighed, biting back the stinging tears. I had always known Danny was too perfect for me, and I was right, he hadn't ever loved me. "Tom no, stop it and listen. I wrote Wish You Were Here about you, as well as I'd Lie, and Falling In Love, can't you understand, I love you? Its so hard to describe though, I'm not good with words, you know that and I'm honestly trying to get you to understand. I love everything about you, why can't you see that? Do you really need all the reasons why I love you?" Danny grabbed hold of my arm again, he was shaking. "yes! Yes I am that pathetic I need to hear every reason why you love me, okay? And I know you don't so just stop it now and let me go. We can try and be friends if you can stomach it and you're really that desperate for me, if not, just leave me alone and only come round when you need me for band duties." I ripped out of his arms again, feeling my heart break, I had known Danny didn't love me, but when it was slapped in my face, it felt like I was dying.
"fine, I'll tell you the stuff I love about you, alright? You're not pathetic like you seem to think you are, you're just insecure and not sure of yourself. So you check in the mirror 101 times just to make sure you look okay, when you look amazing and you still won't believe it. I love it when you flick your hair out of your eyes and it swishes around your face, like an actual halo. I love how your glasses frame your face and how you barely wear them, unless you're reading or stuck on a song, then you wear them because they make you feel a little bit cleverer, so you can finish your song. I love it when I wake up next to you and then watch as you wake up, making that cute whimpering yawn sound. I love how you always want to cuddle with me when we watch films together, even at movie premieres, you always lean your head on my shoulder throughout the film, even though you're then watching sideways. I love how you always push your belt buckle to the side of your jeans, so you can see the pattern on it. And when you come up with an amazing idea, or have an awesome dream, or make a new food thing you love, you smile like a child who has been given the keys to Toys R Us, your dimple digging into your cheek, like its been carved there." Danny explained, giving me a smile, taking a deep breath. "you're so talented, at everything, singing, playing instruments, writing songs, designing the theme ideas for our concerts and albums. You always have the best ideas, but let us get our ideas out there too without making us look like idiots. You can do so much more than that too, you can fly a plane, and draw the best drawings I have ever seen, you can do some pretty awesome tricks on a skateboard too, and did I mention you're an amazing teacher? You taught me to play piano, and so many things. You got me into so many Sci Fi things, and Disney, and you make me laugh all the time with your jokes. Hell, you even spent a year reading a whole book to me, just because I hate reading and you wanted to include me in every part of your life. You read to me the whole of the Hunger Games because I wanted you to, every night, us two, cuddled up in bed together, you reading to me until I fell asleep, no matter what time it was." Danny smiled a little more, and I cried even more.