So this is the story from Thorins pov, my friend Heizeru-Chan is writing from Bilbos pov. Go look at it, the story makes more sense that way.
Also there's some Khuzdul that I'll explain at the end.
Thorin Oakenshield was the proud owner of the newly opened Erebor Coffee, it was a bold business venture, and he had poured all of his inheritance money into it. After his grandfather's company had gone downhill (ruthlessly overtaken by Smaug enterprises), his father had attempted to salvage the company only to fall into an incurable depression. It had taken its toll on the family, especially after his brother was gunned down in suspicious circumstances five years ago. It was just him and his sister now. And of course her two very annoying sons, who kept pestering him for summer jobs. He had eventually given in and they were due to start next week.
Thorin was wiping down the counter, his hair thrown back into messy pony tail, wearing a batman t-shirt and baristas apron, when someone practically fell through his shop door. His new customer looked rather dazed and confused, glancing around as if he had no idea where he was. He was remarkably short, only reaching Thorin's chin, he had tousled sandy brown curls that fell around his face and eyes that shone like Silmarils. He was wearing an Aqua-man t-shirt with a burgundy blazer, and blue denim skinny jeans. He had a "well loved" pair of converse and a brown satchel that was bursting at the seams. He sported a pair of oversized black framed glasses that were too large for his face.
Thorin frowned, why was there a bewildered hipster gaping at his chest. But then again he shouldn't question his customers, he needed the business.
"I'm not really Batman, you know." Thorin said jokingly.
"Uhhh… What?" the hipster stammered. 'My humour is wasted on him' thought Thorin. His peculiar guest approached the counter and glanced up at the menu.
" I'll have… a double brewed, low fat vanilla Frappuccino with two espresso shots, whipped cream topping, cherry sprinkles, and a caramel swirl please." He babbled monotonously. Thorin frowned and turned to look at the menu, 'Do we even sell half that stuff?'.
"WE SELL COFFEE NOT ICE-CREAM" a voice called from the kitchen. Thorin's oldest friend Dwalin was employed at chef, mainly because he would work for minimum wage. His customer looked quite alarmed at the sudden outburst.
"Well… We do sell ice-cream" Thorin smiled. "So you want a cold coffee with whipped cream and sprinkles yeah?" he asked. The hipster nodded quickly. Thorin began to brew the coffee, but with cold water. He began searching the cupboards for the spray cream. It wasn't in the fridge, or by the coffee maker, or in any of the food cupboards. In frantic desperation he searched the upper cupboards that contained mugs and glasses. Eventually he poked his head through to Dwalin
"Dwalin?! Have you got the spray cream in there?" he hoped they still had some, he ran a coffee shop for Mahal's sake, this was kind of a staple item. He didn't like to keep his customers waiting.
"No. Why in Durin's name would I have it?" Dwalin answered. Thorin sighed, he would have to send Dwalin to get some more, hopefully his newest customer wouldn't mind the wait; the store was only a few doors down.
"In that case we've run out, would you mind going and grabbing some more? It's not like you're busy" Dwalin was never busy, he baked bread and bagels early in the morning and prepared soup at lunch. No one ever ordered food so he had a lot of free time to work on his Temple Run skills. He sighed,
"I don't see the point in buying it in if no one orders it" he grumbled. 'What am I even paying this guy for?' Thorin wondered and he sent an icy glare in Dwalin's direction.
"Fine, I'll go if I have too" he mumbled. As Thorin left the kitchen, he noticed that his only customer had taken a seat at the table closest to the counter.
"Dwalin's just gonna pop out and get some spray cream because apPARENTLY THERES NO POINT IN HAVING ANY IF NO ONE ORDERS IT" Thorin shouted the last part in the direction of the kitchen. Dwalin swore back at him in Khuzdul.
"MENU SHIRUMUND" Thorin was only asking for him to buy cream, there was no need to insult his beard. He walked over to where his customer was sat on his iPad.
"OH WHAT THE FUCK YOU STUPID BIRDS" he shouted unexpectedly. Thorin jumped, he stared at his patron in shock, then he realised 'he's probably playing angry birds'
"Ah, man, you on angry birds? I know the feeling, but seriously, you should hear Dwalin on Temple Run" Thorin joked, it was true, you could hear Dwalin's anguished screams a mile off when he was on temple run INSTEAD of working. He walked around to the opposite side of the table and took a seat. He leaned forwards and rested his head on his hand,
"So then, what's your name?" he asked casually, he raised an eyebrow as his customer blushed.
"Bilbo Baggins, at your service" he answered with a wink and a cheerful smile. 'Is he coming on to me' Thorin pondered anxiously, attempting to conceal the blush that crept onto his face at the thought. 'It's not like I'd say no, I mean he is quite nice to look at, but he seems a bit… delicate.' In an attempt to distract himself he glanced at the books surrounding Bilbo. 'Wait… these look familiar' he pushed a few textbooks aside to reveal a Mordor University Notebook. No wonder the textbooks looked familiar, he'd graduated his masters in Folk Lore there not ten years ago.
"So you go to MU?" Thorin asked surprised.
"Yeah, I'm a freshman. I major in Folk Lore" he answered matter of factly, as Thorin was flicking through Bilbo's notebook. It was a collection of essays on the Valar and badly written Wincest fanfiction. He was doing exactly the same course as Thorin had done back in the good old days. Suddenly the book was wrenched out of his hands. Bilbo was hastily shoving it back into his satchel,
"Haaaaa, yeah that's my own work… don't read it" he said quickly. Thorin could see he was uncomfortable, he decided not to mention the graphic smut scene that he'd just half read, but Bilbo was definitely not innocent in his eyes anymore. Maybe he'd found some common ground with his strange customer.
"No Way! I did folk law back in the day." Thorin laughed, trying to erase that fanfiction from his brain. "I had professor Gandalf. He was like the most eccentric loon you could ever meet, couldn't even walk into his classes without him questioning you!" Thorin saw another notebook open on the table, 'May as well have a look' he thought 'I wonder if they still teach the same stuff'. He scanned the page; the notes appeared to be on the creation of the dwarves by Aulë. Most of the lore was incorrect; he flipped a few pages and noticed the same annoying discrepancies. 'How has this kid not failed yet if all his notes are this bad?' Thorin asked himself, vaguely aware of Bilbo saying something about Gandalf.
"Are you doing okay in class" he interrupted. He didn't want to seem rude but he was worried for Bilbo's grades, "After all, universities not cheap, and I wouldn't want him to drop out' he mused. He regretted his choice of words almost instantly, Bilbo's shock was visible.
"I mean" Thorin paused, "I'm not being picky or anything… but there are a few things in your notes that aren't exactly right." He finished. 'I could've put that better.' He mentally scolded himself, but his new friend looked genuinely interested so he carried on. 'Now, if I flick back a few pages maybe he'll think that his notes aren't as shit as they are'
"Like here…when Ilύvatar found out that Aulë had created the Dwarves, he didn't smite them himself, Aulë was going to do it of his own accord to show his regret at angering his father." Thorin explained, without thinking he recited one of the many quotes he'd learned during the process of his degree.
"'Then Aulë took up a great hammer to smite the Dwarves; and he wept.' But in the end Ilύvatar saw Aulë's grief and that the Dwarves were scared and he spared them 'But Ilύvatar had compassion upon Aulë and his desire, because of his humility; and the Dwarves shrank from the hammer and were afraid, and bowed down their heads and begged for mercy.'" He thought he'd keep it simple for the time being, and not bother explaining that the dwarves only shrank away from the hammer because Ilύvatar had already given them the gift of life.
"And there's this bit here," he continued, as he pointed to another section on the lore of Dwarves. "When the Seven Fathers of Dwarves were laid to rest in stone by their maker, whom they called Mahal, to await the coming of the first born, you say they were all laid in pairs, but in fact Durin the Deathless was lain alone at Mount Gundabad." Thorin looked at Bilbo, deep in thought, 'this kid is never gonna pass on his own, I feel bad for him really, it's not like I have a life… maybe I could…'
"You know I could always give you a hand with your work if you like? I have got a degree in it after all, and it's not like I have much to do." He had no idea what made him offer to tutor a student who he'd met a grand total of five minutes ago, he wasn't an extraordinarily good teacher, but he had a hunch that Bilbo's shocking lack of coherent notes might have less to do with his ability and more to do with Professor Gandalf's rather… unique stance on Class B drugs in the classroom.
Suddenly, Bilbo peered up into Thorin's eyes, his own glistened in the sunlight streaming through the windows. They shone like emeralds, flecked with hazel and chestnut, truly like nothing Thorin had ever seen before. Though the silence only lasted a second it felt like an eternity to him, whilst he was lost in Bilbo's glassy orbs, it was like looking into his soul. But most of all, he saw Bilbo's apprehension,
"It would be amazing if you could tutor me." Bilbo stuttered, blushing violently. 'Oh sweet Valar, when does this kid NOT blush?' Thorin smiled to himself and quietly closed Bilbo's note book. Then he thought 'Wait, SHIT. I think he WAS coming onto me'
Before he could do anything about it, his musing was interrupted by Dwalin barging through the door, his hands full of bags bearing the logo of the wholesale store across the street. It was run by his good friend Bofur, who also supplied Bombur's restaurant with stock, along with many other customers. 'Oh no, he's probably bankrupt me' Thorin winced.
"Dwalin! I only asked for spray cream!" Thorin growled, resisting the urge to smash his head against the table repeatedly. He rose from his seat, and hurried over to the new arrival.
"There was a sale on so I took advantage you see." Dwalin said as he pushed past Thorin, far more forcefully than was necessary he thought, as he made his way through to the kitchen. Thorin turned to his new friend, and began to make his coffee, trying to school his features into a less angry expression.
"He gets like that, he doesn't mean to be a grump all the time." He said reassuringly, however it seemed he'd said it a bit too loud because not a second later,
"I HEARD THAT RUKHSUL MENU!" was bellowed from the kitchen, taking Thorin by surprise. He jerked so violently he almost managed to drop Bilbo's coffee. He shared a glance with his customer as he placed the mug down, they both burst out laughing to such an extent that Thorin ended up on the floor, with no memory of having gotten there.
Menu shirumund - You are beardless
Rukhsul Menu - You son of an orc