xxPUDDxx - haha, rant away, its true :)

177 Dannys POV

In sleep, I tightened my arms around Tom when I felt him shift, realising he had finally woken up after the strong painkillers we had given him had worn off. Those ones always made him sleepy, so I guessed because he was so weak right now they actually knocked him out. I felt him shifting a bit and tightened my arms even more, knowing that Tom would probably now try and go again, like he did every night. For the past week, we had fallen asleep in bed together, or at least I had, then I would wake up to find Tom sleeping on the floor, usually shivering due to the lack of duvet around him.

I heard Tom whimper loudly and try to shuffle about, waking me up a little more, but I refused to let him go, he wasn't going to spend another night sleeping on the floor, he couldn't just fall asleep on the floor and freeze there when he had a perfectly good bed right next to him. With someone who would happily hold him in his arms all night too, I couldn't just let Tom lay there anymore, it wasn't fair. "please, let me go, stop it, let me go." Tom whined, clear panic and fear in his voice. I pretended to still be asleep and carried on holding him, wanting him to see that it was okay, it was alright to be held all night, to stay in bed too.

My heart then broke when I felt Toms foot hit my leg and wince with a muffled pain filled scream. "shhh baby, its alright. Just relax, okay?" I gave up pretending, I couldn't just lay there and just listen to Tom try not to cry out in pain. "let me go, please, let me go." Tom cried, his body shuddering with unshed tears. "no, it'll be okay, just stay, for once, stay in bed. Its not nice waking up to find you on the floor shivering." I nuzzled into the back of his neck, kissing his shoulder to tell him that I loved him and it was okay to stay in bed. "no let me go!" Tom whimpered, writhing under my kisses, hurting his foot even more until he actually did cry in pain. "shhh, don't cry. It'll be okay, just don't cry. Want me to get you some more pain killers and an ice pack?" I asked, kissing his tears away, trying to comfort him. To me, there was nothing worse than seeing Tom cry, and watching him cry in pain, both physical and I think emotional pain killed me.

"no! I don't need anything! Just let me go please!" Tom pleaded, he was actually shivering. "but you're in pain, you need to take something to stop it...this isn't a way for you to harm yourself, is it?" I physically felt myself pale at the thought. "no, it isn't. Just leave me alone, okay?" Tom growled, and I realised how much I hated this defensive side to him he had made. I hated how defensive Tom was over everything, how he wouldn't let me look after him, and how he would not let me hold him, no matter what time it was or what the situation was. "no, I'm your boyfriend, so I will not leave you alone. No matter what you do, no matter how ill you get. I'm sticking with you, okay? So stop arguing and fighting me, just calm down and let me help!" I growled right back, having enough of Tom trying to be so stubborn.

Tom went quiet after I had said that, almost dead still. It scared me a little. "Tommy?" I whispered, shaking him a little, still careful of his ankle. "don't, just, don't." Tom shook his head, turning away from me. "why? Baby, why can't you see I love you and want to look after you?" I sighed, stroking Toms hair from his face. "cause its a lie." Tom whimpered and turned around, his face pressed into the pillow. He didn't answer me for the rest of the night, scaring me so much.

178 Toms POV

I ignored Danny pleading me to talk to him about what I had said, refusing to even look up from my pillow anymore. I didn't want to explain that I knew that everything was a lie, only to have him lie to me even more and tell me that I was loved and blah, blah, blah. That dream had brought back so many memories, of why I was the way I was right now, why I knew I wasn't worthy of being in this band, in this bed, in these arms. That article had sparked everything off, making me realise just how worthless I was, it was the worst feeling in the world. "Tom, come on, whats up? Why is it a lie? Its not a lie, we've been through this, you know its not a lie. You know that I love you, why are you refusing to accept that?" Danny sighed around 3am, sounding tired and sleepy. Good, hopefully he would give up soon and go to sleep, leave me enough time to get out of bed, cut another few punishing lines into my skin, then curl up on the floor again. I didn't see why he didn't like me sleeping on the floor, I was out of the way there, and it was where I belonged, so what Dannys problem was with me on the floor I would never know.

"Tom, please, I'm begging you here, just tell me what you meant! I'm not going to get angry with you, or annoyed, or anything! I just want to know, so I can help you, you can't possibly think, after that long speech I gave you the other day, that I don't love you." Danny pleaded, it did nothing. I knew that he loved me, for whatever ridiculous reason, but I knew I wasn't worth it. I wasn't worth his love and affection, we were so opposite, so different, we could have come from different planets. Plus, I knew he was cheating on me with the others behind my back, why else would he cuddle up with them so much, and spend so much time with them? Because he was in a relationship with Harry and Dougie at the same time, maybe he just went to them for sex, I didn't know, I didn't really care (okay, I did, but I tried to tell myself I didn't) as long as Danny was happy.

"please, I know your angry with me for calling you Tommy and baby earlier, and for looking after you, but I need to know whats going on inside that head of yours! I know that opening up is difficult, but, you have to try, you'll feel better, I promise. And if you don't open up, I'll end up hurting myself again because I'll feel so guilty for not helping you." Okay, that sentence broke my heart, just knowing that I had caused that urge for Danny tore me to pieces. He didn't deserve that feeling, didn't deserve the scars, or the pain behind it. I had to tell him something, or another line would end up on his arm, but I couldn't tell him anything, because it would hurt him and he would still have a line on his arm. Why couldn't Danny just be so thick he wouldn't try to unconsciously emotionally blackmail me into telling him things? Actually, why couldn't he hate me so I wouldn't be even in this problem because he wouldn't be in bed with me, and he wouldn't care?!

"I-I just, I can't...it hurts." I whispered, trying to come up with something that didn't sound too bad. "what does? Your ankle, cause I can sort that out for you, really easily." Danny ran a comforting hand over my back, making my shirt ride up, I yanked it back down. There were bruises all over my back and sides, from where I fell over or walked into things, my body was in so much need for good, normal food, that my skin was super sensitive, it bruised from just a touch. "I-Its everything. It just hurts so bad." I wiped away a few tears, keeping my head pressed into the pillow. I couldn't look up while confessing to things, it hurt just saying them out loud, let alone feeling someone looking at me while I was saying things. I still couldn't manage eye contact, with anyone, not even my own reflection, which I hated more than anything. Danny needed his eyes checking, if he thought I was anywhere near remotely normal looking, let alone anything better, he really needed to see an optician fast. "what everything? Why does everything hurt? Why don't you want to stop cutting? Why can't you even look at someone anymore?" Dannys questions hurt, he noticed so much about me, and honestly cared about my worthless self more than he cared about himself. It shouldn't have been like that, he shouldn't have had to care more about my fragile state than his own warped mind, a mind that I had warped with my own ways.