Hi everyone, just wanted to say I am super sorry about the formatting errors in the previous chapter. Still getting the hang of what keeps and what doesn't show up.
TRIGGER WARNING: So right off the bat this chapter contains a scene in which we learn some about Rei's past. Said past is super messed up and the those for whom childhood sexual abuse is a trigger the presentation may bother you. It is meant to be off putting in the first place but if you are particularly sensitive to the issue you may want to skip down about 1/3rd of the way. Once Rei asks about Shinji wanting to be her boyfriend, you are in the clear.
Chapter 17
Two days before Ramiel attacked…
"Are you sure about this, Rei?" Shinji asked.
"Yes." Rei replied, looking down at her own fidgeting hands.
Shinji Ikari and Rei Ayanami were together in the former's apartment. It was different from how Vitali had found it. It was clean now, and kept that way, and there were tall and neat stacks of books by the head of the bed. The lock had even been fixed. Shinji was sitting on a short steel stool in the center of the small studio apartment, putting his shirt back on. Rei was standing in front of him, nervous and fidgeting. Her hair had begun to grow out again, and just barely brushed her shoulders now. She cared enough to keep it clean now and it hung mostly straight, her bangs still curving towards her chin just a little.
It had become a ritual between the two, after the first time Shinji had shared the stories behind the multitude of scars across his body. He had cried the first time, and again when Rei sat him down a second time, and then a third. Each time it became easier though and after each time it became easier for Shinji for maintain the peak state, the Shiva state as Shinji thought of it. They had discussed it and Shinji thought it had to do with getting past the emotions he associated with the injuries.
So now, once a week or more, he would sit down here in his girlfriend's apartment. She would blindfold him and touch the marks on his body and ask about them. The blindfold had been her idea and though it had made Shinji nervous at first, it actually helped. Without his eyes, he did not watch where she was moving and he couldn't get anxious if she was moving to a particular mark.
Some were more difficult to talk about than others. If he was having trouble, Rei would push him until he gave details or Shinji said to stop. It was their agreement that if he said stop, that was it and they would be done. Most of their 'sessions' ended with Shinji saying stop when Rei got too close to his hips.
"O-okay. Just like you do me, right?" Shinji said, standing up now.
"No. If I say stop… don't." Rei's hands were shaking as she spoke, so much so she was having trouble with the buttons on her school blouse.
"I don't know if I can. I need you to stop when I say so, and if I don't it feels like, you know…" Shinji said and placed his hands over hers. She stopped shaking and Shinji, not too calm himself, began to undo the buttons for her. Rei put her hands on his shoulders and he looked up into her eyes.
"Please, I need your help. I am so close but… I can't make myself say it, I need you to help me. Force me to tell you and I will finally feel better, I promise. So please… don't stop."
"Okay." Shinji nodded and stepped back so she could finish, her blouse undone and hanging open, still gathered at the waist by her jumper.
Despite spending as much time together as they had, Shinji had never actually seen Rei uncovered until this point. When they slept near to each other, they were always clothed to some point, either because they were down in the dojo with their teachers or in Shinji's room. Shinji had seen her back and shoulders when clothes moved, but that was all and those were smooth and clear.
Rei took off the dress, then her blouse, leaving plain cotton underwear. She was breathing harder now and took a minute, arms wrapped around her body then waving Shinji off as she calmed down.
"I-I-I n-n-neeeed t-t-to b-be aba-aba-able to do this m-m-myself." She said, slowly bringing her body back under control. Another minute and she was breathing normally again. She screwed her eyes shut and pulled the bra off over her head in one quick motion. Her head sunk and she kept her eyes to the floor as she walked past Shinji, snatching the blindfold off the bed and quickly tying it around her head once she had sat down on the stool.
"Do it." She said, her hands clenched around the rim of the seat.
Shinji wasn't sure where to start. It was not that there were too many to choose from, quite the opposite. There were only four… no, three. One curved down below the waist of her panties and came back up.
He circled her, letting his footsteps tell her where he was and looking to be sure those three were the whole of it, and they were. She was still tense, her arms and shoulders tight, and she still shook a little. She shivered when he placed his hand on her shoulder then gently turned her on the swiveling stool so she faced the bed where he then sat down.
Shinji could not remember seeing Rei vulnerable since the very first time he laid eyes on her, in the hanger of the evangelion when he first came to Tokyo-3. Even when she was still bandaged and cast up after that, she never looked so open.
"Shinji… please." She said.
Shinji steeled himself and brought the whole of the force of his will together to do something any other 14-year old boy would have needed no urging to do. He reached out and took his girlfriend's left breast in his hand. It was soft, small, just a little less than palm filling. Both breasts bore the same mark, dull red scars circling the nipple then traveling down into a curved line cupping each. It looked a bit like an anchor. Rei made just a tiny little gasping noise when he squeezed.
"Tell me about these."
"Shinji, I'm sorry, this was a mistake, I-" She began to say, very rapidly, then yelped when he squeezed again, his fingers clawed to press his nails into her flesh.
"Speak… I command it." Came the voice. It made Rei shiver and moan. This was not the voice of Shinji Ikari. It was the voice of Shiva, calm, even, just a little deeper, and full of authority far beyond the small boy who made the sound.
"Last year, I had just turned thirteen."
"From what?"
"Surgery."
"Surgery for what?"
"The removal of tissues to reduce the size of the breast." She was calm now, her voice distant and clinical. It made Shinji think of old Rei, before the arrival of Remo and Vitali.
"I mean why Rei, why did you need surgery?"
"Because Commander Ikari said they had become too large and no longer bore resemblance to her." Over the last word the distance and calm broke. Shinji could hear the anger and sadness and resentment in her voice.
Shinji let go and nearly fell back on the bed. His father had cut Rei open because she did not look like… Shinji started to feel sick. Now that her hair was longer, he could see it. The shape of her jaw, her nose, the lines of her shoulders. Childhood memories came flooding back. Pictures and videos, memories of her face. Shinji's terror at the answer was overwhelmed by his rage at the idea of anybody hurting this trembling girl in front of him.
"Because you didn't look like her…"
Rei had started to jerk and sob now and Shinji quickly wrapped his arms around her.
"Be-be-because he said they didn't look like Yui's…" She said, her arms around him as sobbing racked her body.
Shinji was making a very conscious effort to keep himself composed as he gently pulled Rei onto the bed and helped her to lay across his lap. He had one arm around her shoulders and one beneath her thighs. He had to put effort into staying calm because all the rage and anger born of fear he had been working these past six months to put away had all come back in a great bloody tidal wave. Shinji had not liked his father before, he had thought he hated him. He had not known what hate was before, he did now.
Shinji was personally impressed with himself an hour later, when Rei had fallen silent and they laid together on her bed. He had not exploded, he had not made it about he and his father's problems. Shinji held Rei to his chest and stroked her hair.
"You didn't finish."
"You said a lot Rei, we can go further next time."
Rei shook her head and grabbed his wrist, pulling his hand down between her hips.
"I want you to finish. Please, please… I need to get this out. I am so close. I can finally remember things but its like if I don't talk about them, I can't process it and if I can't process it I can't remember other stuff."
Shinji was silent for a while. He would have said stop by now. She should have. He should stop and make her take a break. He wanted to know now though. His father was a monster, it wasn't like it could get any worse.
"Tell me about this one Rei."
It got worse.
Rei told him about when she was nine and everyone said she did these horrible things. She didn't do them though, it was someone else using her body, but they wouldn't believe her. They called her a liar, and filthy, and lots of bad names and no matter how many times she said she didn't do it they just got more mad and they took things.
They stopped letting her go outside and play after they found Dr. Akagi's cat. But that wasn't her she told Shinji. She watched when someone else used her body and did that. If she had done it, why would she have told them? She knew it was wrong to get the soft kitty outside with food and do those things and leave it pinned to the tree with the knitting needles.
She couldn't live with the commander any more after that poor boy was found. Rei had liked him, he was nice to her even though she looked weird, she wouldn't have done that! That's why she ran and told on the other one using her body had done it as soon as she could. His eyes were pretty brown like Shinji and the commander, she didn't want to pull them out. She would never have wrapped the cord from inside his belly around his neck and pulled until he turned blue and his tongue came out.
Yes she had been the one to try writing her name on the walls. She tried with crayons and it didn't look right, so she tried a pencil, then a pen, then all of her markers, and the tried scratching it in but it still didn't work! After she wore her fingernails down and blood came out though, it started to look kind of right and she almost had it when they found her… Then they said she was sick, and she said she wasn't sick. Then they said the thing making her sick was inside her and they were going to make her better, but she wasn't sick, it was the other one who used her body! It was a boy and he looked weird, like her and he did those things not her, she wasn't sick. They made her go to sleep and when she woke up there were stitches and they said she was better and she had to take these pills.
She had been good, she did as she was told. Rei was a good girl, Rei didn't do nasty things like they said she did. The pills made the fog come and she started forgetting things and when she knew something was wrong she couldn't remember what it was anymore and that's how it had been until Shinji came and then Remo-sensei took the pills away and she could remember again. When she finished, they were silent again for a long time. Shinji held her tight and stroked her head without a word until there was no more light coming through the window and it was dark outside.
"Rei…"
"You don't want to be my boyfriend anymore, do you?"
"No Rei, that's not it…" Shinji pushed back on her forehead softly so she would look at him. He loved her eyes, the unique deep red color. "I love you Rei. I love you for you. I don't care who you look like or what anybody says you did. You're beautiful and you make me happy."
Rei smiled, a full genuine smile that made her look incredible even with the tears and bloodshot in her eyes. She squeezed him tighter and nuzzled him cheek to cheek.
"I love you too, Hunter. Thank you for doing this."
"Anything for you wildflower." He said and kissed her on the forehead. Rei grabbed him by the hair with both hands and kissed him on the lips. That took a while for Shinji to recover from. The good news was he wasn't mad anymore.
Following the battle with Ramiel…
"Captain Katsuragi, let me begin by saying your insight after the fourth angel has proved prescient and your handling of the attack by the Fifth was masterful. I am aware the process may take some time within the strategic self defense force but when the papers for your promotion come across my desk I will approve them immediately."
"Thank you Commander."
"Now Captain, please make your report."
"Yes Commander. Two days ago, the 5th angel was detected over the Indian Ocean. The angel, which was designated Ramiel by the MAGI, aggressively engaged anything which came within an approximately five kilometer radius and selectively engaged targets out to fifty kilometers. Evacuations were made of the city as well as all populated areas within the angel's predicted path. Following that path, the angel arrived in Tokyo-3 airspace shortly before fifteen hundred local time yesterday. We chose to delay deploying the evangelions. After reaching a point directly above the peak of the geofront the angel extended a drill into the ground from its body and began to dig. From the speed of penetration, science division calculated the speed at which the angel might withdraw said drill. I made the call to delay our counterattack until shortly before midnight. We estimated that at that time the angel would have the most difficulty extracting itself from the ground. Because we have focused the capabilities of the evas on close range combat, we could not afford for the angel to retreat to a higher altitude."
Misato slid a notated map across the conference table to Commander Ikari.
"The evas were launched simultaneously from points at a ninety degree angel to the angel. As soon as the units surfaced, the angel fired upon Unit One, at which time Rei in Unit Zero moved into the path of the beam and took the brunt of the attack. At this point, all data feeds, including telemetry and plug data, ceased transmitting from both units. Unit One advanced on the angel, using an AT field to shield itself, before attacking at close range. Unit One caused significant damage before being disabled by a blast at close range."
Pictures were shared around the table, showing Unit One as found by the recovery teams. The chest was blackened with slagged armor and the red core exposed, but the damage was restricted to the surface armor.
"At that time, Unit Zero appears to have entered a berserk state. Using pieces of the angel it completed limited auto-repairs before counter attacking. Unit Zero proceeded to dismantle the angel, apparently in search of additional material with which to repair itself. Very little of the angel was left once repairs were complete, at which point the evangelion destroyed the core."
"And these repairs, as I understand it, have not returned the unit to the state in which it entered combat."
"I'll leave that to science division Commander."
"I see, and the pilots?"
"Rei appears to have not suffered any injuries, she claims to be fine. I am told Shinji suffered sympathetic injuries consistent with a large impact to the chest. He is recovering at NERV medical, Rei is with him."
"Thank you Captain, do you have anything else to add?"
"Well Sir, I have some reservations about Unit Zero, but Dr. Akagi can tell you more about that. What I want you to know is regardless, Unit Zero is our sole operational eva at this point and I do not recommend isolating it."
"Thank you captain, I trust pilot Ayanami enough to keep Unit Zero active. Dr. Akagi, when you are ready."
"Thank you commander. First of all I cannot stress enough how much I disagree with Captain Katsuragi regarding Unit Zero and the first child. I believe both the unit and the pilot should be isolated as soon as possible and we are courting disaster by keeping them on active duty. Ever since the arrival of Mr. Williams and his demand that the first child's treatment be terminated, her behavior has become increasingly combative. Now we have an evangelion which has been adulterated with angelic tissue and clearly modified outside our parameters. Additionally…"
"Dr. Akagi, your objections are noted but until Unit One is repaired I don't see an alternative. Also, neither the pilot nor the evangelion has displayed any hostile behavior. Now, please give your report on the status of the pilots and the evangelions."
"Yes Commander…" Dr. Akagi passed several pictures across the table, showing Unit Zero from various angles.
"During the battle, Unit Zero self repaired by consuming the material of the angel. While the change in exterior color is obvious, we are still exploring the full extent of the effect on the unit. On the surface, various surface angles have been modified and extended. Material analysis indicates a similar alloy as used in the construction of the unit but laced with material similar to recovered portions of both the fourth and fifth angels was created in the repairs. As I discussed with you previously commander, it appears to be a kind of conditional superconductor. Additionally, our techs have found nerve tissue that was not previously present near the spinal column. Otherwise, the unit appears to have been returned to specification. I would like to reiterate that we do not fully understand the consequences of this event yet and that-"
"Dr. Akagi, your reservations have been noted once already. Report on the status of Unit One."
"Yes, Commander. Unit One suffered surface damage from an attack by the angel at close range. The force of impact of the attack appeared to have caused several onboard computer systems to reset, thus causing a multitude of system failures. We will retrofit these systems to avoid this happening in the future. Repairs on evangelion Unit One should take minimal time, we designed these internal systems to be easy to replace. Unit One's new torso armor should be complete within the next month, so we will install it in the course of repairs."
"Very good. How are the pilots?"
"As Captain Katsuragi said, the first child appears to be in good condition, however she has refused to submit to testing to determine what if any effects the event have had on her body. She has also refused to leave your son's side."
"Rei's attachment to the third child is documented Dr. Akagi."
"With respect commander, I thought you were going to speak to her about that after the last attack."
"I did…"
Some months ago…
"Thank you for meeting with me Rei, I know we don't talk as much as we used to. How are you holding up?"
"I am fine Commander. I appreciate no longer being required to submit to Dr. Akagi's care."
"So I heard. Rei, I am concerned about rumors I have heard that you have a romantic relationship with the third child. I understand your feelings, I do, but I worry. Shinji is a very troubled boy and I don't want to see you get hurt, you know how I care about you."
"Yes Commander."
"So you will tell him you are strictly friends then?"
"No."
"Rei I want you to end the relationship."
"No."
"Rei, this is an order."
"No."
…
"… It was unproductive."
"Well, Shinji will be fine. Whether his injuries were sympathetic or not I am actually unsure, but they are consistent with a heavy impact to the torso and a rough landing. If there was a failure in the LCL pressure regulation, which is quite possible in this situation, he could have just been banged up inside the plug. Bumps and bruises, a little sore, but he will be fine. I won't have medical hold him any longer than he wishes to stay."
"Very good. Any progress on the data loss?"
"I am sorry to say no. I have my best people on it, but every battle we lose connection and all data we extract afterwards is corrupted beyond recovery."
"Please continue to work on it. Mr. Williams, do you have anything to add?"
"Besides that that was awesome and will go down in the history of the most ancient and noble house of sinanju as one of the most bad ass things ever?! OW!"
"Shut up Vitali. Yes I would to contribute that that was awesome and will go down in the history of the most ancient and noble house of sinanju as one of the most badass things ever."
Gendo Ikari took off his glasses and rubbed the bridge of his nose. Crazy Americans on one side and incomprehensible technology on the other. It was going to be a long week.
At NERV medical, Shinji Ikari felt himself dreaming. Rather, he could tell he was not awake, even with his eyes shut, cause it felt like when he met with vasuki, or that Nurse or… oh yes, this was hers, it had its own flavor. He was going to feel like he was waking up laying in the bland white hospital room and she was going to be there and have some wisdom that would make sense the next time he had to fight an angel, maybe some food. Might as well get it over with.
Shinji Ikari opened his eyes and his senses were assaulted by colors, smells, and sounds. He was in a pavilion of bright purple, green, and blue banners. He sat on a pile of cushions at the head of a long table of unfamiliar food. Unseen musicians drummed and trumpeted. He looked down and found himself wearing layers of brightly colored robes to match his evangelion and a broad gold sash as a belt. He looked around and found Rei seated next to him, red eyes fluttering open. She was wearing blue and gold robes like his own. They looked like someone who wasn't Japanese tried making a kimono.
Okay, this was new.
"All praise to Lord Shiva! All praise to Lady Kali! The destroyer and the great power are together again!" It was the nurse as she stepped through the banners, except she wasn't dressed as a nurse anymore. Her skin was darker and a red circle adorned her forehead. She wore a red robe made up of a single long sash wrapped several times around her body, a sari. Shinji also thought he saw a second set of arms for a second.
Shinji looked to Rei, whose eyes were wide open and her mouth agape.
"Rei.. Rei, you okay?"
"Yes, no, um.. what's going on?"
"You've never had dreams like this?"
"No."
Shinji tried to explain but the music was getting too loud now. This felt like it belonged to the nurse, who was still over at the far end of the table, dancing around. Shinji finally remembered her name for the first time.
"Lakshmi…LAKSHMI!"
She turned.
"TURN IT DOWN!"
She crossed her arms and stuck her nose in the air then snapped her fingers and the music stopped.
"You know I am trying to celebrate you two finding each other again." Lakshmi said, crossing both, yes Shinji could now see there were two, sets of arms in front of her. "Your brother and I always had a big party when we met up in the mortal world."
"Shinji…" Shinji and Lakshmi turned to Rei as she spoke. "What the fuck is going on?"
"Oh yeah, this is going to take some explaining. Um, oh here." Shinji lifted a plate from the table for her. "These are dates, try some. So…"
And Shinji told her about how his eva talked to him and how it turned out to be his friend Vasuki and how Lakshmi, he introduced Lakshmi, visited him after battles in the hospital.
Rei decided she liked dates and elected to try the fragrant fowl dish next to it next.
Then Shinji explained how he had slowly been finding out he was an avatar of Shiva, the god of destruction, but like the good kind too, and Vasuki was actually a naga which is like a snake but don't call him that.
Rei quite liked it and asked Lakshmi what it was and was told it was duck in a curry sauce.
Then Shinji told her how in the last fight she had declared her name was Kali and that was really cool she had remembered her name and… shut up when Rei put a piece of duck breast in his mouth.
"It means we are the same. I know this and the details are unimportant"
"Yes." Shinji said after swallowing the duck.
"Then I knew from the beginning. You are the destroyer and I am the power, we are meant to be together, this life and all others, is that correct?"
"Absolutely! Oh its wonderful to see you two together again." Lakshmi said and knelt beside them before pulling them both to her in a hug.
"You are both doing wonderfully out there, we are all impressed. Is there anything either of you need? Just say so and we will do everything we can."
Shinji shrugged. "I just wish we didn't have to do summer classes, but there isn't anything I need. What about you Rei?"
"Vasuki, the naga, he has been mentoring you in your sleep?"
"Sometimes, yeah."
"So that explains why you're better than me. I need a mentor so you don't have such an unfair advantage. Cheater."
"How long is it going to take you to let that go?"
"I have not decided yet." Rei said and crossed her arms, while Lakshmi laughed.
Shinji sighed and grabbed another dish from the table. This was going to be a long dream.
It felt like hours later when Shinji actually did wake up, in a bland white hospital room, with Rei sitting in a chair next to his bed. Light streamed into the room, it was morning. She woke up and yawned as she stretched her arms above her head.
"Oh I had the funniest dream." She said and as she opened her mouth to tell him Shinji interrupted.
"I'll make you curry duck as soon as I learn how."
"Oh good, it was real, even better." She said and hugged him. "It is good to remember who we are, warrior."
"Warrior? No Hunter?"
"Before now there was only one hunter of angels, it is no longer unique."
"Uh huh."
"The nurse said Dr. Akagi just wanted you to rest and you could leave when you liked. I had them bring your things so if you want to get dressed, we can go."
"Yeah I'd like that." Shinji said and turned to swing his legs off the bed. Oooooh he regretted that. He should have known, every time he woke up here his whole body ached.
"Um, Rei… Could you turn around?"
"Why?"
"Because I don't have anything on under this gown."
Rei cocked her head.
"I'm still not comfortable about that okay? Its not you, its just me being stupid." Shinji said, hanging his head. To his surprise, Rei kissed him on the cheek and turned around with a smile.
Shinji dressed, made sure his phone and wallet were there, and they checked out. Shinji was back in his school uniform and vans, shirt untucked. He called Misato once they were outside and let her know.
As they walked down the sidewalk in the direction of the Katsuragi apartment, Shinji was surprised to see cars on the road. It looked like they were already letting people back into town. He could still see the cordons the city center though.
"Anything you want to do, warrior?"
Shinji shrugged. "I guess between school and training, I haven't really thought about just going out and doing anything, you know?"
"I can understand that. Do you think if we asked, Remo-sensei would allow us a day from training before summer classes start so we can have a day out?"
"You mean like a date?
"Yes, among other things. You need new clothes."
"I was hoping nobody else had noticed." Shinji said, scratching the back of his head. It was true though, and it wasn't just his school uniform. His shoes and socks fit right and that was about it now. As he dropped his hand, Rei grabbed it and squeezed. They walked the rest of the way like that, hand in hand.
…
End
So that first portion may have come off as kind of twistedly sexual. For the participants, it wasn't sexual at all. I intentionally presented it the way I did for a few reasons.
First I think underage sex in eva fics is too prevalent. It should gross us out to read about 14 year olds getting' it on. Second, and more importantly, to the characters it is not sexual because both of them still have way too many issues to have healthy sexual attitudes. Rei is, under the weirdness and developing lady of war in this story, emotionally developed as a young child. Shinji just has way too much going on and in another story may have just ended up as asexual.
Oh and my least favorite character in eva canon makes an appearance in this chapter. Y'all thought I hated Gendo.