Actually got hate mail and a couple guest reviews that were unkind over the last chapter. Not like hey your writing sucks I appreciate those, just pissed over the positions some of the characters took. Nobody who actually put a name to their stuff though and I deleted the questionable reviews.

I also received a lot of good feedback and I am glad people are enjoying the story.

Warnings for this chapter:

-This chapter contains a stream of consciousness segment regarding child soldiers.

-This chapter contains references to alcoholism.

-This chapter contains minor discussion of religion from Asuka's view of the events around her and Shinji and Rei discussing how to deal with what to expect of mortals as gods (no spoiler it is literally the first scene).

Chapter 22

"Rei…"

"Yes beloved?"

"I want to talk about forgiveness."

It was the afternoon of the day of Shinji's return. Rei had insisted she have him to herself for the rest of the day. Misato had driven them here then gone back to work while the new pilot figured out her accommodations.

Rei pushed herself up and looked down at him. They had been laying on her bed in her apartment, Shinji on his back with his hands over his head and she with her arm around his chest. Now she sat over him with her legs alongside his, her long azure hair hanging just above his stomach. As it had gotten longer and she put effort into it, its color had deepened. They were wearing their BDUs and T-shirts, their blouses hung up and their boots next to each other on the floor.

"Have you done something I should know about? As long as it did not involve the gaijin I am sure I can forgive you." She said. Remo's snark had rubbed off on her.

"No, not something I did… When we first got to the fleet, they were having church services and it got me thinking. What if they were praying to me, to forgive them for the things they had done for survival, would I answer? And if I am going to forgive, what's forgivable and what's not? Its like, if we hold the fate of their souls in our hands, what rules do we set down for ourselves, and do we tell them or is figuring it out half the battle?"

Rei moved a bit and propped her chin up on her elbow. She thought for a while, her eyes looking towards the ceiling. "Well that comes down to what we define as good and bad I suppose. What things should people feel sorry about doing in other words. I don't think we do hold their fates in our hands though. At this point, I believe that humans have free will and choose their actions. If their intentions and their actions are aligned, then they probably won't feel bad about what they have done. Good intentions and good actions come from and result in good people. Bad intentions with bad actions lead to bad people, but ultimately they are at peace with themselves and what may happen to them. It is when the two conflict that a person feels bad. Good intentions and bad actions, bad intentions masked by good actions. Both are reprehensible."

"Okay I can understand that. If we connect that to dharma, then would you agree that righteous, good, whatever you wish to call it, action with righteous intention is ultimately the origin of a good person? Or are they a person good first, and then take right action?"

"Logically it has to be the first one. A description of a person as good or righteous must come from an observer to be genuine and an observer must observe something having occurred to make a valid observation. Ergo, right actions and right intent make good people."

They thought on that together, silent but pursuing paths of thoughts in parallel. It was a while later, as the sunlight through the window had moved from one side of the room to the other, that Shinji spoke again.

"Gods Asuka is a bitch."

"Your observations are deep and thoughtful as always, warrior."

"But we have to work with her, you know? And yeah she is a gaijin, a barbarian by all accounts, but I feel bad for coming down on her just for not knowing how to act around us."

"I feel that I know where this is going…"

"Well its doesn't help anything if we keep it this way. Its just going to make every moment around her awkward and that could get someone killed."

Rei sighed and slid down to lay her head on his chest. "I do not wish to apologize to her. I recognize it is right, but I feel distaste at the thought."

"Righteous actions and righteous intent…"

"Yes, yes… Will you go with me?"

"Well yeah, I wasn't any better. I kind of really said some mean things about her and her faith."

"Okay then, we will go together and apologize for our poor actions, and request that she do so in return so that we can all work together in peace… or in war rather, you know my meaning."

"Deal… You know there was something else I thought about while we were out there on the sea."

"And what is that, warrior?"

Shinji wrapped his arm around Rei and rolled them over together so that he was over her and pressed his lips to hers. It was sloppy, awkward, and decidedly not one of the great kisses of all time. It was however heavenly to one teenage boy and one teenage girl and Shinji felt and heard the little moan Rei made into his mouth.

"That." He said simply as their lips separated.

Rei looked up at him in shock. "When… how…"

That was their first kiss. It had never felt right before, for either of them. But that felt good.

"I don't know, but… its like there used to be all this stuff that got in the way in my head and I feel like its gone now. Well, not gone, but it doesn't get in the way anymore. You know what I mean?"

"Exactly." She said and grabbed his head in both hands and pulled him down for further practice.

The knock on the door was unwelcome to say the least. Shinji actually heard Rei snarl as she pushed him off her and stomped to the door.

Whatever was on the other side of her door, Rei thought, had interrupted alone time with Shinji. Rei liked alone time with Shinji. She REALLY liked alone time with Shinji now that their stupid pasts weren't getting between their present pleasures. Whatever was on the other side of that door had better be worth the interruption, or it would know the wrath of Rei.

When she opened the door, she took very thorough consideration of whether to continue to grant Toji Suzuhara and Kensuke Aida the title of "friends" or to redesignate them "things which Rei scrapes from her boot". Both were still wearing the olive drab uniform, though Kensuke had added a yellow scarf around his neck and tucked into his collar.

"Hey guys, uh, what are you doing here?" Shinji said from behind her. Rei hoped the boys would show proper gratitude to their hero. They had, without knowing it, their closest brush with death since the angel attack.

"We need to talk." They said in unison.

"Ooookay, what about?" Shinji asked. He was now standing beside Rei.

"Can we come in?" Ken asked.

That depends, thought Rei.

Kensuke held up a bag. "I bought some goodies with some of the money I won gambling back on the fleet. You guys ever had good chocolate, I mean the real stuff not that mostly filler stuff they sale to kids?"

"You may certainly come in." Rei said and grabbed by Kensuke by the arm and jerked him inside. His offering was pleasing, he would live.

"Hey Shinji, I actually want to talk to you alone if I could, I think Ken would rather say what he has to say to Rei without anyone around too if you know what I mean." Toji said. His hands were shoved in his pockets and his eyes were down.

Shinji turned to Rei and they nodded to eachother. Shinji grabbed his boots and followed Toji. They ended up on the roof, among the air conditioning vents and the birds.

"Okay man, whats up?" Shinji said.

Toji was leaning against one of the sheet metal intakes. He had not met Shinji's gaze yet.

"Alright, so give me a chance when I go slow, this isn't something I am used to doing, okay?"

"Okay man, take your time."

"Okay so…. A while back, when we first met, you know first semester, few days after the first attack… I lied to you and its been weighing heavy on me since. You know how I said my sister got hurt in a car accident and that she would be fine soon?"

"Yeah." Shinji replied. A quick review in his mind gave him the troubling sign that Toji hadn't said anything about his sister in the nearly nine months since.

"Yeah, so she hasn't gotten any better. She still hasn't woken up… We don't know if she ever will. And it wasn't just that its…" Toji stopped, clenching his fist and fighting his body to not have tears in his eyes. Dammit, he wasn't good at this shit. He was good at fighting and winning, he was good at seeing the next two steps ahead better than anyone. It was seeing beyond that, seeing the days and weeks and months that he sucked at. It was putting the surging ups and spiraling downs that he hid behind a mask to words that gave him trouble.

Shinji stepped towards his friend and Toji stepped back, swinging one big arm out to ward the smaller boy away. Even with the muscle he had put on, Shinji was still tiny next to Toji.

"J-just give me a sec, okay?" Toji said. He concentrated, slowed down his breathing, and stopped the tears. When he felt back in control, he raised his head and looked Shinji in the eyes.

"Sakura wasn't hurt in a car accident. We didn't get out of the city in time. When you were fighting the angel, the damage from the battle made a gas line blow down the street. The explosion didn't get to us, but it shook the building and a big piece of the next floor up landed on. W-when Ken told me you were the pilot, I swore to god I was going to kill you. I was said I was going to strangle the life out of you then crush your head like a grape for fun."

"Toji… Oh man I am sooooo sorry, anything I can…"

"Stop! Just shut up and let me finish, okay?... So I was planning to put on this nice face, size you up, then do the deed. Then I met you though, and I am like hey I can't kill this guy for hurting my kid sister. You are doing what I wish I could, you were being a real samurai. You serve the people and fight to keep them safe and you know what, they treat you guys like shit, you know that? You were this… well I mean no offense man but you were kinda pathetic. So I am thinking hey this little kid is doing what you don't have the balls to get down and do. Then I was there with Ken when you fought the second one. I saw on the news what you and Rei did with the big blue one and you were awesome and all but she really kind of showed you up there, no offense."

"None taken, on either count."

"What? Oh yeah, right, guess I said it twice. Anyway, it was out there on the fleet though. When all the little ones attacked, and I was in the thick of it, I had this... Dad once called it something like that a moment of clarity. Where all the bullshit is just gone and you catch a glimpse of the real truth for just a second, know what I mean?"

"Yeah."

"So my moment was I realized that I felt more real taking on those freaks than I ever had before. I wasn't a mask to make everyone feel alright about the kid who could break them eight ways from Sunday, I wasn't the bullshit guy holding back so the refs didn't get mad or anything like that. I was fully and totally me and in all of it I saw you." Toji said and held up both hands, each index finger pointing at Shinji.

"You were out there handling the big stuff, and I was taken care of the trash so you could concentrate. I was keeping Captain Katsuragi safe so you didn't have to worry about her. I felt happy and like the happiest I have ever fuckin' been just out there doing what I do best for a purpose. I was fighting for someone, I was fighting for you. And I realized that that was I wanted to do. You got the big things to worry about and I know you got things even bigger than the angels to worry about, I can feel it. I want to be there and be the guy that makes sure all the little shit is taken care of."

Toji stood up off the vent and took a deep breath, then straightened out his uniform before kneeling with his legs together and his toes under his ankles.

"So this is me, offering you my sword. Well I don't have a sword, but you know what I mean. If you will have me Lord Shinji Ikari, I want to be your samurai. When you are off fighting angels, I want to be the one making sure you don't have to worry about the people you love on the ground. I will protect them, I will give you the freedom to do whatever it takes to defend everyone else. So… yeah."

In his accelerated state, his Shiva state, Shinji felt more connected to the vague memories of ages past that he could sometimes feel at the back of his mind. Memories of kings and emperors, of warriors and heroes. In that moment, with Toji on the ground looking up at him, he felt the connection. He felt the emotions, the love… and that's really what it was, love like brothers or a father and son, between a king and his most loyal warrior.

Shinji felt the truth and sincerity of what Toji offered him. While Shinji loved Misato like family, he never considered himself a part of NERV. They were using him, not working with him. It was Shiva who found it only sensible to build up his own strength, and where better to start than here, when better than now.

Shinji knelt in front of Toji and embraced him tightly. When he spoke, it was a whisper in Toji's ear but it sounded like he spoke with the boom of thunder.

"I accept you and name you my sword hand. Whatever comes, whatever results, you shall be at my side. To be where I cannot be, to do what I cannot do, to protect those I must put in harms way to fulfill my duty, and to bring my retribution upon those I cannot myself hunt. Your fate will be as mine. As I prosper, so shall you prosper. As I weep, so shall you weep. I promise you that your sister is now as my own and that one say she will awaken and when she does, she will find a world that is put right from the wickedness it has entered into. And it will be her brothers, you and I, who will make it right."

Shinji pulled away and they looked at each other eye-to-eye, Shinji's hands resting on Toji's shoulders.

"T-thank you, Shinji."

"Shiva, call me Shiva… and there are many things I have to tell you."

Some floors below, at roughly the same time, another conversation was taking place.

Rei had torn open a piece of foil wrapped chocolate within second of slamming the door shut. She hadn't had chocolate in years and until this moment it had not occurred to her that she could simply go out and BUY it. Her moaning must have been loud enough for Kensuke to hear.

"Heh, glad you like it."

Rei turned and nodded. "Mhmm." She mumbled out before swallowing.

"What is it you wish to discuss, Kensuke?"

"Well, um, I have been thinking about, you know stuff." He said nervously. His one blue eye was searching the floor and ceiling, staying away from Rei. "And then the fight with the angel and those things out on the fleet. And it all started that day at school, with the fight. Your voice got all weird and you called Shinji Shiva and said you were protecting humanity and… well it all got weird and then I got shot and getting' shot in the head makes you think about a lot of stuff." Ken said, his speech getting faster and faster.

"Calm yourself, Ken." Rei said and picked up the low metal stool that was to the side of her bed. She placed it in the middle of the single room and sat down on her bed.

"Sit." She said, pointing to the stool.

"Um, okay." Ken said and sat down facing Rei. "So, while I was in the hospital, one of the nurses gave me a book to read and it was from Indian mythology and about..."

"The war between the Panduvas and the Kauravas?"

"Yeah how did you know?"

"Was the nurse wearing an old white outfit, gave her name but you can't remember it when you try?"

"Yeah that was her."

"We've met."

"Oh, well, so I read it and then I started reading other stuff and books about the mythology and I came across the name Shiva and his consort… Is this ringing bells Rei?"

"Yes."

"So which one are you?"

"Which one what?"

"Shiva's wife is a goddess with many forms and names called Shakti. Her forms represent her aspects as the power behind the universe. So which one are you?"

"Do you think I am a goddess Kensuke?"

"Yes."

"You certainly know how to flatter a girl. Which do you imagine I am Kensuke Aida?" She said, leaning forward with her elbows on her needs, red eyes locked with blue. "What form has the power of the universe taken to stand alongside Shiva in battle?"

"So he is Shiva?"

Rei snapped her teeth and light flared behind her eyes. Ken grabbed the seat beneath him as he startled.

"Answer my question."

"Kali! Y-you're Kali! Time, the ultimate end of everything."

"What do you plan to do with this information now?"

"N-nothing nothing, I mean well not nothing but I'm on your side, I promise. I never believed in anything before but when I started reading, faith made sense to me. I mean the Eva, that weird light you can do, dharma, it all fit. I have seen it all myself, its not even belief, I know you and Shinji, Shiva, whatever, are here to save everyone. The angels are important enough that you both came down to protect us all."

Rei looked at him, but to Ken it felt like she was looking through him with those red eyes that smoldered like coals.

"When y-you held me, I felt… for the first time in my life I felt loved! Nobody even likes me but Toji and you guys, I never knew mom and I am pretty sure dad is just afraid of me. When I was in your arms though, I knew what it was to feel mother's love. Kali is supposed to be terrible and deadly, but she is also in everything and everyone. She is, I mean you are, the dark mother of creation. Time finds everyone, no matter what else we do and when it is all dead and cold all of it is before you."

As Rei stood Kensuke held up his hands, palms clasped together.

"I don't care what the doctors say, I am here today, I live, because of you. I owe you my life. If I had to give an eye to have the wisdom to see that then I gave it happily. Toji and I, we aren't like you, we can't fight the angels! But when you are fighting the angels, you have to focus, you can't worry about protecting every single person. Let me help you…"

Rei took Ken's hands in her own and held them to her stomach.

"… Dark mother, let me be your hand. Let me move where you cannot, allow me to find the threats from within humanity and purge them while you fight the enemy from without."

As Rei regarded him, his lip was quivering and a tear came from his single blue eye.

"Let me be the first to give you tribute. Let me tell others of your beauty and your power."

Oh yes, Kali thought, he will do.

"I require something of you first Kensuke Aida."

"Anything, ask and it is yours."

"Tell me of your pain." She said and released his hands. When she had Shinji sitting here she could see the pain and anger bound up in each scar on his body. In Kensuke it was all pulled in on itself in his mind. It was a beautiful thing his mind, so full of potential and… something else.

"Where did you learn to fight?"

"Um, I… I went to summer camp and that's where I met Toji and we did some shooting and stuff, its all just practicing the basics, that all."

"I do not believe you but I sense you do not willfully lie." Rei stepped over his legs and sat, straddling him.

"R-rei, what are you…?"

She raised her hands to his face and held his head between them. Her crimson eyes glowed bright enough to cast his face in red light.

"Tell me of your pain, tell me of the knowledge within you that is not your own."

"Rei…"

"Kali."

"K-kali, please, I don't want to remember, it hurts, please!" Tears streamed down his face now. His heart was going a million miles a minute. Every fiber of his being was telling him he should not speak, he could not speak. But within his heart, the light of faith had been lit.

A tiny voice in Kensuke's head soothed his mind over the screams that filled his mouth. His faith would be the fire to light the dark places.

As she touched her head to his, Kensuke remembered and she remembered with him. The pain was incredible, but her strength dulled it enough for him to see the truth. It came to her in flashes and pieces of thought, as though she lacked the context to see the rest for what it was.

Men in black, red leaves. NERV.

Children, boys like him. Needles, machines, tests. Hot, cold, weight, water. Sink or swim. Keep up or wash out.

Finish first and get a whole dish. Second got half a plate. Third got scraps. Everyone else fought over leavings.

Every week another one cut. Not dead, he saw them after at school. But they didn't remember.

No light, no sun. Cold metal hallways, fluorescent lights.

The bell sounds, wake up. Inspection. Run, swim, bikes that go nowhere. Food for the best, crumbs for the rest.

Machines, terrible machines that put thoughts in his head. Vietnam, Afghanistan, Iraq, Nicaragua, Panama, back to the desert. He had been there and never left Japan. He had fought in real wars and wars that could never be allowed to exist.

Out of the machines, time to practice. Make the thing he remembered making, shoot the gun he remembered shooting, move like he remembered moving.

He never did those things, but he remembered.

Food for the best, crumbs for the rest.

Back in the machines, but not for memories. Simulation. Compete, fight, kill. See the blood, don't feel. Animals, not men, not fathers, not brothers, not sons. Targets, enemy. The enemy dies, he is forgotten, on to the next target.

Run, swim, cycle again.

Take apart, reassemble, clean, inspection. Darkness, do it again, can't see, do it anyway.

Food, but only hungry for the scores.

Posted and read out every day at dinner. Who did best, who was a shame to their parents and their country. End of food, not enough. Loser's fault they said.

Find the loser, hit him until he wasn't angry anymore. Had to help him get better. If the loser got better they could get more food, more sleep, go home, see dad. No moms. None of them knew a mother.

NERV. NERV was there to build them up. NERV could be mother. No, they said that, never worked.

See the lights watch the show.

What is your major malfunction?

Cavalcade of Brunhilde and her sisters

The horror the horror

Five shots or six?

Follow me boys

Do you want to live forever?

Sleep, dream of heroes. Dream of being the hero. Kill the enemy, kill him with your hate and anger. Save the girl. Sex and violence. Sex Violence. SexViolence. LoveHate. Hard, stiff, angry, greedy.

The gun, the stain. The red the white. The red from the enemy, the white from him.

Weeks. No talking, but they weren't always watching. Big, strong. Threat? No, friend. Only friend. Trust friend. Trust no one else.

It ends. They are all failures. Needles and lights and shows. Make it go away. Pain to remember, all will forget.

The mind can forget, the body cannot.

His muscles remembered how to do the things. All of the things.

As Rei pulled herself from his mind, the screaming turned to sobs. She held Kensuke's head to her chest and stroked his hair as she had when the shot had taken his eye.

"Ssssssh, its okay, you did well, I am proud of you. We have many things to discuss my child." She said. Rei reached down and hooked a finger into the yellow scarf around Ken's neck.

"Why do you wear this?"

The boy snorted as he pulled back his crying. "Its… it just something I thought was appropriate. Yellow is the color of mercenaries and partisans. A force outside nations, an army without a country."

"I like it. It will be our symbol now. Wear it as a sign of loyalty to Shiva and myself, and have others who see our glory do the same."

"Yes dark mother."

Shinji was breathing heavy. The attack was like a hurricane. The movement never stopped and as soon as a blow passed another was already there. What the hell kind of style was this?

Asuka was panting and was holding herself up over her knees. She licked her lips and looked at Shinji with a wicked grin. "Heh, not laughing now, are ya ya damn heathen?"

"You haven't actually hit me yet."

"I was goin' easy on ya."

"Alright you two." Remo said, interrupting their banter. "I have seen enough Asuka. You aren't bad for who taught you, but I can see where we need to work. Both of you, get some water."

When the pilots turned they found Rei already approaching with three water bottles. One in each hand and one tucked beneath her arm. All three simply collapsed down on the mat right there for their break. Rei had been working with Viral while Remo analyzed Asuka's technique, using Shinji as her target.

"Hey Asuka, we, uh, we wanted to tell you something."

Asuka tilted her head down to look at them from suckling the water bottle. "Hm?" She mumbled with the spout still in her mouth.

Shinji looked to Rei and she grudgedly went first.

"Soryu-san, I am… sorry for how I spoke to you yesterday. I had missed Shinji greatly and was unhappy with how you spoke about him, but I was incredibly rude. We need to work together and I do not want that grievance between us."

"I'm sorry too Asuka. I was under a lot of stress out there and I had other stuff on my mind, but I shouldn't have treated you like I did. I'll even tell you what all the Chinese meant if you want."

"Um, wow guys, I… I don't know what to say. I… I accept your apologies, and hope you can forgive how I acted. It was stupid and immature."

Both Japanese pilots nodded and Asuka raised her water bottle toward them. "To not being perfect, and forgiving those who trespass against us."

They raised their bottles together and drank.

"So what did all that Chinese mean anyway?"

"Weeeeeeell, a lot of it was just stupid, idiot, that sort of thing. Cao ni zuzong shiba dai is kind of particularly Chinese though."

"Well come on, tell us what it means."

"Fuck your ancestors to the eighteenth generation."

"Ouch."

"So where did they end up putting you? Misato said there was a big old argument about it."

"I wouldn't call it an argument, just different military standards is all."

"What do you mean?"

"UN air force says as an officer I have to be housed with a certain number of square meters to myself. The hotel that was booked didn't meet the requirement. I stayed anyway, the desk jockeys are figuring it out today. I don't see why I can't just stay with Master Kaji."

At that moment, the door to the converted storeroom slid open and Misato walked in.

"Hey kids!"

The pilots raised their bottles to her and stayed seated.

"So I have good news for you Asuka, we figured out your quarters."

"Oh good, do I get to stay with Master?"

"Uuuuuuh no." Misato said. She hadn't even given the idea any consideration. She felt bad for what they did to these kids, she wasn't going to make it worse. "You are going to be staying with me and Shinji."

"WHAT?!" Asuka and Rei screamed together.

Asuka may have apologized and she liked Misato and all but the Japanese had tiny apartments and it wasn't like she wanted to live with a boy who wasn't family. It wasn't proper!

Rei was furious. Give the gaijin her apartment; she didn't want the bitch living with her boyfriend.

Shinji was not too upset. Having someone else semi responsible around would cut down on his chore load. He wondered where she was going to sleep though.

"And uh, kind of bad news too. Shinji, see Asuka has a lot of stuff and regulations say I can count the communal living space but to meet regs we have to give her your room."

Oh fuck this shit to the eighteenth generation.

"Then where the fuck I am I supposed to sleep?!"

"Well there is another room across from yours, it's a little smaller I know but…"

Shinji thought about it. Yeah there was a door across from his but he always figured it was a closet. He had never actually opened it. Lesson he learned early in life, do not go searching in women's closets.

Later that night as he finally opened the door, he found that it was, indeed, a closet. There was a single bare light bulb above and no windows. He took the short walk back to the kitchen table and sat down across from Misato.

"Yeah, that's a fucking closet." He stated as if beginning a debate.

Misato sighed and rested her head on her palm with her below braced against the table.

"I know Shinji, I'm sorry but we have to comply with housing regs for officers and…"

"Well what am I then? Sensei says we are independent contractors for NERV, doesn't that give me some kind of minimum habitation?"

"I'm sorry Shinji, we were low on options."

"Well what are you going to do about it?"

"I SAID I AM FUCKING SORRY, OKAY?" She snapped, pounding one fist on the table. "Look, I know its not great, but its what we have right now. I know I am asking you to give up something but I need you to work with me on this. You will have to take an apology as good enough right now. Besides, its just till we can figure something else out."

Misato felt sorry for snapping, but she needed Shinji to go along to get along right now. It was this or well this. Kaji didn't want her, he was too busy with his floozies and cloak and dagger shit. James Bond wannabe. Even if she was officially an officer, regulations regarding the pilots said they had to be given guardians and since Kaji wasn't interested she got dropped on Misato. So for now it was just smooth things out until…

"Shinji, what are you doing?" She asked as he started lacing up his boots.

"Leaving." He said as he tied off the second knot and went to grab his blouse from the pile of clothes outside what was his room and was now filled with boxes a moving company had dropped off. He didn't know where the girl was, he did not care.

"What do you mean, its late and you have training in the morning. Where are you going?"

"Rei's. I have my phone with me."

"Shinji, I don't…" Was all she got out before he turned to face her. Shinji was already in a foul mood about the gaijin moving in. He liked Misato but goddamn it he wasn't going to have his shit uprooted to deal with some pompous barbarian. He was still high strung and unable to leave his accelerated state and all of that left him with very little patience.

"Look, I know its not great, but its what we got right now." He parroted back with acid in his voice. "I know I am asking you to give up the one who does all your cooking and cleaning for you, but I need someone who will actually work with me on this. You will have to accept this as good enough for now."

Shinji took his phone from his pocket and dialed Rei while Misato was in shock. Her sweet little boy had just dressed her down worse than any officer in the JSSDF.

"Yeah… see you in a bit wildflower… naw I haven't eaten yet, want me to pick something up?.. oooh, I get to have dinner made me for me for once, such a lucky guy." He said and flipped the phone closed. He turned back to Misato and saw the hurt in her eyes. He considered metaphorically turning back. Call Rei back and tell her nevermind, or just go for dinner and come back and talk it out with Misato. He could deal with a smaller room for a while. He even felt a little bad for giving Misato a dirty look when he commented about having dinner made for him.

Wait, no fuck that. That's how it always was. Little things, little sacrifices, just temporary, always became big things that never went away. He loved Misato, but not enough to put up with this shit.

"Shinji…" she said and reached out to touch his arm. "… I'm sorry. Please, its just for a few nights, maybe…"

Shinji took a step back before she touched him. He was angry. Anger was comfortable. He knew anger. Rage that he could never express had been his constant companion in life. When you are powerless it just builds and builds. Well now he had power, now he could change things.

"If really felt bad for doing this to me, then you wouldn't be doing it." He said and turned on his heel away from her, huffing through his nose. He walked not towards the door to the hall but to the glass door onto the balcony. She got up to follow, he slid it shut in her face and put one foot up on the railing. He looked out at the shining city in the darkness.

"Shinji, please what are you doing?!" She said as she opened the door but then he was gone over the railing. She looked over the edge with horror but was shocked to find him bounding his way down the building and landing on his feet on the street.

"SHINJI!" She yelled and he looked back up at her before turning away and setting off on a run.

Misato slumped down against the concrete side of the balcony. She was crying. She was going to offer him her bed. She would have slept in the living room, or maybe not… It was cold at night. And then she felt filthy. By the time Asuka got home, she was passed out in her room with the door open. The bottle was empty but for her sorrows.

Asuka sighed. Her dear friend had strayed from the path of the light again. She would have to find her way back into her heart, to bring her back. As she knelt over the futon before going to sleep, she prayed.

"Our father who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name. They kingdom come, thy will be done, on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day, our daily bread, and forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us…" She thought of Rei and Shinji. They had apologized, she had not expected that. But she should have known better, there is goodness in all people.

"And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil…"

Deep in the geofront, Gendo Ikari pressed a button and his office went dark before the monoliths rose around him.

"For thine is the kingdom…"

Even further down, Ritsuko Akagi looked upon a great red cross and the creature bound there. Around her, the aberrations floated in the putrid yellow fluid.

"And the power…"

Across the city, Rei Ayanami opened the door to her beloved. They embraced. Her studio apartment had new decoration, yellow curtains that separated the kitchen and the main room from the doorway. They hung about the bedroom in banners too, and a single low lamp lit it in a warm dimness. They kissed without reservation or pain entering their minds.

"And the glory…"

Elsewhere, Kensuke Aida sat at his computer, books propped up around him. He had seen the bald ones in orange robes around. They had coverage but their low rate of success told of poor execution. People needed to identify their survival with the message. They needed to give thanks to their real saviors, not NERV.

"Forever and ever. And please watch over Misato and grant her the vision to come back to grace. And please watch over Master Kaji while he goes about his work, and Remo and Viral and grant me the way into the heart of Shinji Ikari. He debases you and denies you, and calls himself equal to your glory, but there is goodness in him and Rei too, and I know they can see the light. Please watch over us in our battle against your fallen angels. Amen."

End

NOTE: before you start thinking there is something there, there isnt' To find ones way into someones heart has a particular meaning in evangelical christian culture. Its not that Asuka is attracted to Shinji, she wants to convert him.

So I am not Christian as I have stated before, but I was raised in it. The fact I remembered the lord's prayer perfectly after 20 odd years of not saying it is a little scary.

Tried two new things in this chapter, the stream of consciousness and the switching scenes over Asuka praying which is more of a movie thing and I am not sure how well it works out.

So ultimately, the big question of this fic is if Shinji Ikari is a real, honest, god, what does he do when he finally unlocks all that power? Even more so than canon, Shinji is a messed up little kid. As we have seen recently, he is spiteful and just freakin' angry. Truly a nice guy on the inside, but all that bound up pain and frustration does things to you.

Shinji is a character that I am more familiar with than I would like. I make no claims that my life has been nearly as bad as his is depicted here. However when I first saw Evangelion nearly 15 years ago, I identified with the character of Shinji Ikari and this story's Shinji is a reflection of perhaps how I would have felt in his place.

When you grow up powerless, you do get angry. A lot. Without an outlet, that frustration just builds on itself and condenses down. Your core becomes a superheavy mass of rage. It becomes what drives you. It reaches critical mass and if you can come to terms with, and match your intentions with your actions, and find (or create) the values that suit you, you can control it. It becomes your power source, your reactor. You can move on and maybe one day leave it behind when it stops serving you. Or you lose control, and you have a meltdown.

In anime terms, I know what it is to have an S2 organ based on hate, piss, and vinegar. Properly harnessed, it is inexhaustible. It forces you to succeed not because of the people around you, but in spite of them. Nobody can keep going through more than someone who knows true hate for the universe itself for the hardships it puts upon them. You become like the angels though: Stuck in one form, not changing, not moving forward, a dead end.

Ultimately though, it is better to leave it behind and break through. To kick trauma and bullies, and adversity to the curb. To stand up, as everything you are and nothing you aren't and show the universe who the hell you really are.

I may have given something away there. The secret to life or maybe just spoilers for this fic, I dunno.