For sake of simplification, Warthog is an expy of a character known as the Major from the Hellsing franchise. He speaks with a rather camp modern German accent.
Brassard: an armband with a tongue that comes up to hook onto a shoulder flap on a uniform. Usually used to indicate special duties. MPs wear these, and troops seconded on UN operations often wear blue ones.
Warning: this chapter contains discussion of Shinji and Gendo during Shinji's early childhood. Heavy stuff, man. On a lighter note, I think "The kids aren't alright" by the offspring makes very fitting accompaniment to that passage.
Chapter 27
"Alright, take him down, you only get a small escort though, everyone else can wait."
"Warthog, take a mixed squad down."
"Jawohl."
"Mr. Williams, you will understand if I would rather my involvement in this organization goes unmentioned."
"Consider it a favor to Shinji."
Misato had taken two minutes to make herself presentable. Her hair was not behaving in the least, so she had begrudgedly tied it back. The black navy coat over her shoulders actually helped hide her weariness. As long as her shoulders were back, the coat fell to cover her arms hanging loosely. She really didn't know what to expect from a mercenary outfit formed on the fly in a warzone.
She had a few leftover section two men, and an accountant, with her, standing at attention before the largest elevator in the facility. In any other case she would have bemoaned the commander's presence, but he had brought Ritsuko and a bunch more section two SWAT. The plan was to take custody of Shinji and Rei, and not let the mercenaries any further into the facility.
As the elevator came into view, Misato groaned. She should have clarified a "small escort". There were at least thirty men surrounding the civilian ambulance. Each had at least a rifle. Some wore only old cammies, other had full modern armor and electronic equipment and there was everything in between. She recognized uniforms from America, Brazil, the old Russian and Chinese uniforms that were endemic to Africa, more recent Russian and Chinese equipment, it was like the whole world had shown up to a war. And everywhere those yellow bandanas and scarves.
She nearly screamed when the NERV men raised their weapons on Gendo's command. They had maybe a dozen men. Over two dozen rifles and machine guns met them.
"Now now, zer ist no reason for zis. Everyvone calm down. Major Katsuragi, please, tell your people to lower zer veapons. Our men are very committed to the safety of the pilots and they do not necessarily trust NERV to have zer best interests at heart."
The speaker with the german accent stepped out from the crowd with his white gloved hands in the air. The first thing that jumped out to Misato was his weight. He was short and, frankly, fat. The sleeves of his desert camouflage uniform showed off brawny arms, but the torso of his uniform bulged so bad his buttons looked strained. He had full, soft looking cheeks and smooth skin. He wore lightly tinted aviator style glassed and his silvery blond hair was parted and slicked down.
"Veally major, ve und you have ze same objective here, ze vellbeing of ze pilots."
Misato raised her hand in the air and slowly brought it down. The German did the same and everyone had their weapons down by the time the colossal elevator met the floor.
"Wunderbar. Ah ze lovely Dr. Akagi. Our medics have stabilized ze patient and of course our escort vill follow you und Fraulein Ayanami. Ve take our task very seriously und understand you are shortstaffed, so ve are more than happy to supplement your internal security."
"Thank you herr major." Rei said and stepped forward, leading the medics with Shinji on a gurney. She was still wearing the rags twisted into a crude bra and skirt.
"Nein, nein, it ist just Varthog now, my dear. If zer is anything at all you vequire, only call."
"That will be all, please attend to your other duties." Rei said quietly enough that only those on the platform could hear her.
"Jawohl." Warthog responded just as quiet.
"Now, Frau Major, Herr Kommander, I have been ordered to speak with you regarding our actions und of course, our continued employment."
"I would hardly speak of your continued existence, let alone your employment, as guaranteed mister…?" Gendo said, pushing his glasses back up his nose.
"Varthog, like the pig. Due to vat you might call difficulty in pronunciation among our varied personnel…" Warthog said, gesturing towards the troops with his arms held wide. "Und simply a desire to start over, ve have taken simple codenames und left our old names behind. As far as our employment goes, I very much doubt you vish to openly discuss ze gaping holes in your security in front of every Tom, Ricard, und Herman."
The meeting continued in Gendo's office. For once there were chairs for guests as the room had been an impromptu command center the night before. Misato sat next to Gendo's desk, while the German sat across from both of them several steps from the desk. He sat with one leg crossed over the other at the knee and his hands together over his knee. In front of Gendo and Misato was a short stack of mostly handwritten figures and invoices for services rendered.
"Now, if I am to be honest, the holes in your security are minimal. However you are short on people after this little affair, ja? Additionally, you have a public relations catastrophe on your hands."
"I fail to see how either of those points requires your continued employment, Mr. Warthog."
"Ah, but that ist because my third point hast yet to be revealed. You see, in addition to the outcry at the UN regarding this entire fracas, you are going to be facing a public outcry regarding your use of child soldiers and total failure to adequately provide for the pilots."
"…what?"
"Perhaps it vould be easier to simply show you." The blond man said and checked his watch. "Ja, do you have a telly in here? If you hurry, you vill be able to see it along with the rest of the world!" He said, clapping his hands together.
Gendo pressed a button beneath his desk and a small television slid up from the surface. "What channel?"
"Oh any vill do, though I find the Americans tend to let other people talk rather than let ze news speak for itself."
Gendo flipped it over to the BBC world service.
"Ja, that vill do." The German said and made a show of checking his watch again. "Und in Drei…Zwei…Ein…"
Special Report flashed across the screen. Over the next five minutes, a video was shown of various evangelion battles and pictures of the pilots, both well and injured, as well as Rei's apartment. Also shown were rather unflattering pictures of Gendo Ikari and Ritsuko Akagi, identifying them both by name and accusing them of gross negligence and experimenting on children. The voice over described how the pilots, not the mass edifice that was NERV, were the heroes defending humanity and they would gladly be doing so without essentially being "forced at the point of a gun" as the film said.
Gendo had no idea how the picture of him pointing a gun at Shinji, though the angle made it look like he was pointing it at both of the children, just the day before, had been taken or by whom. It was shown as the accusation of forcing the pilots was made.
As the film ended and the talking heads began to pontificate, Gendo turned the TV off. There was silence. Misato was shocked, though glad she was not mentioned. Gendo was inscrutable as usual, and Warthog was grinning from ear to ear.
"What… what do you want?" Gendo said.
"Ve vant ze pilots to be treated as human beings, not tools. Additionally, ve do not trust your organization, Herr Kommander. The security of ze pilots will now be our responsibility. As ve vill be taking charge of responsibilities previously handled by your personnel, there will be room in your budget to compensate us for zis."
"Who the hell are you to make demands like this, who do you work for?"
"Ve are warriors without a country, only a cause. Our loyalty ist to the pilots of ze evangelions, and so to the safety of ze Earth und humanity."
"And what if they were to refuse your protection?"
"Ah, you speak of Fraulein Soryu. She is of course velcome to refuse our services, however Fraulein Ayanami und Herr Ikari, the younger of course, have already contracted our services. Lacking strong evidence to the contrary, ve vill take any termination of contract as an attempt at deception or coercion and respond appropriately to eliminate the threat or implied threat."
"And what is stopping me from having you all arrested as…"
Gendo was cut off as Edwin Starr's War filled the air.
WAR, HUH, GOOD GOD Y'ALL
WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
"Oh, I apologize, mein handy." Warthog said and took a cell phone from his breast pocket.
ABSOLUTLY NOTHIN'
SAY IT AGAIN Y-
"Allo, Sie sprechen mit Montana Max der dritte… Hans, slow down… okay, zen what happened?.. Vell, no, I don't disagree zat that was a hostile action per say, however…"
Gendo cleared his throat. The fat German gave an embarrassed look to the NERV Commander and Major.
"Hans, ein second…" Warthog said and covered the handset with his other hand.
"It seems that your good Dr. Akagi has harmed our client, concealing her actions as part of his medical treatment. One moment." Warthog said then brought the phone back to his ear. "Hans? Please hold ze phone up for the good doctor to speak, I am vith ze commander und I am going to put you on speaker."
Warthog got up and walked over to Gendo's desk, and pressed a button before setting the phone down on the phone.
"Hans, can you hear me?"
"Ja, one moment… Alright Doktor, speak." A voice, presumably Hans, said.
"Gendo! Get someone down here, this maniac had a gun to my head!" Shrieked Ritsuko Akagi.
"Dr. Akagi, I hesitate to ask this for fear your answer may justify this man's actions, but what did you do that got them so angry?" Gendo said, rather exasperated.
"It doesn't matter! Just…" She yelled.
"Dr. Akagi, please answer the question." Gendo insisted.
"I administered a dose of sedatives for the benefit of…"
"Bitch, I am not some first year resident! He was already unconscious, you put him in a damn coma!" Came another voice. It was not Hans, it sounded American.
"Everyvone, please calm down. Ve now know Dr. Akagi is untrustworthy. Please remove her from the room, und ve vill secure an alternative source of treatment. Hans, keep me posted."
"Jawohl!"
Warthog picked up the phone and tapped the end button before slipping it back into the breast pocket of his uniform.
"Ach mein gott, overeager subordinates. It appears we both have the same problem. So, Commander Ikari, lets talk about what we might accept in lieu of cash pay. Besides the extreme casualties, you are going to be quickly dealing with a civilian exodus. Combined, I think housing und office space vill not be a problem."
…
Shinji opened his eyes to the gentle sun coming through the tree tops. He felt the dry grass on his hands and as he sat up he could see the ruined stone courtyard around him.
This was a dream, he was in Vasuki's clearing.
"Vasuki!" Shinji called out, and there was no answer.
"Vasuki! My friend, where are you?"
"Here my lord…" Shinji heard as a thin black line, no wider than his finger, wound its way out of the high grass.
"Vasuki, you look…smaller." Shinji said and held his hand out on the ground. The little snake climbed his arm and settled in a loose circle around his neck.
"I am… tired, after the events of today my lord, that is all."
"I messed up."
"Yes."
Shinji reached up and gently strokes the snake with one fingertip.
"What went wrong?"
"You mistook your anger for strength."
"Then I bullied you into helping me."
"I would not call it bullying my lord… manipulating and playing on my emotions perhaps." The serpent said and they chuckled together.
"I am so sorry my friend. I should have trusted you."
"Yes, my lord."
"Will you forgive me?"
"If you would grant me a boon my lord."
"Anything my friend, and it is yours."
"Oh good, I forgive you then, absolutely, could never hold a grudge against you anyway. Now, lets go on a trip…"
"Uh, okay, right now?"
"You did say anything."
"But where are we going?"
"We are going to get you over your anger. Until you do so, you will never be able to move on."
"And how does that involve a trip?"
"We are going to visit the sources of your anger, the specific things around which all that negative emotion scabbed over."
"But I have been doing that, with Rei, I mean Kali, I mean… you know."
"Indeed you have my lord. But there are two things which rest at the very core of the rage you hold onto like a precious jewel. You have taken no steps to rid yourself of that anger on which the rest is built.."
"Vasuki…" Shinji said through clenched teeth.
"You said anything. Also, I do not particularly relish the idea of all life on earth being exterminated, and that is what will happen should you not get over your anger."
"I will get past these things in my own time, naga."
You will address them now, on your honor as a deva.
Two doors faded into existence in front of Shinji, each surrounded by a stone frame. One door was simple wood with a brass knob. The wood was worn smooth where a hand might touch, and the knob had a dull polish as if touched by a thousand hands.
The other was of dark wood, banded by a grid of iron, over which were laid no less than a dozen steel chains. The polish on the metal was flawless and untouched.
Your choice as to which we are going to see first. I am partial to completing the most difficult task at the start.
Kensuke Aida straightened his tie and checked himself in the mirror one last time. This was the fifth one last time so far.
He had wanted to wear a uniform, but as the German had pointed out, they did not have a uniform of their own yet. Additionally, given the hell NERV was catching, it was probably best not to have a fifteen year old in a military uniform if it could be avoided.
When they had received their first payments from NERV, Ken had taken a tiny fraction of a percent of a percentage and gone to find a tailor. The suit he got was a simple affair, black, double breasted, two buttons high. He wore an white shirt and a thin yellow tie. He had even gotten a fresh black eye patch for the occasion. After much deliberation, he left his hair hanging forward as it usually did.
Ken washed his hands, dried them, then left the bathroom. He went down the barren hallway, and up a flight of stairs, then through the bulkhead door. He stepped onto the short ridsr and approached the simple podium.
One hundred soldiers stood at parade rest before him in two columns. They wore uniforms of every color, and their faces were just as varied. While they had yet to procure uniforms that were, well… uniform, each wore a brassard on their left shoulder. They were black with a yellow stripe around the armband.
Ken gripped the podium in front of him and took a deep breath. This was important. This moment would be a point upon which everything going forward would be anchored.
"Ladies and Gentleman…" He began in English. It had become the common tongue in their organization.
"This night marks one week since our organization was formed. At this hour, seven days ago, we did not exist. Two young men, true believers in most awesome and powerful gods, set out to do some good as their home was set upon by the most vicious dogs of war. By the next morning, our brotherhood had been formed. Fighters from every corner of the world. The most ruthless, the most heinous, those beyond any hope of salvation, who fought only for greed for money and the thrill of bloodshed. But we did not come together out of shared evil. We came together because each of saw in our hearts saw a fundamental truth!"
Ken paused, just for a moment. He wanted to let the tension build as all present remembered the miracle of many finding the exact same words within themselves.
"That as time marches forward, impeded by no man, everything is destroyed, and every being dies, as the earth will die, as the stars will die, as the universe itself will die. But we have seen that these are not ends! All of it is part of a cycle. Every death gives life to the earth and frees resources for the young. As the stars die and the universe goes cold, the next cycle is likewise fed. This is not destruction, it is transformation!"
Ken banged on the podium and his voice rose to a shout.
"By midnight, we were a platoon, and by the dawn, we were a company! All of us witnessed the miracles that night! We saw the storm, we saw the dark mother take on her true and terrible form! We saw the wily enemy divide them and attempt to take her consort with three men… AND FAIL!"
There were shouts and applause. Kensuke waited and caught his breath as the roar dyed down.
"Now we have seen the enemy is not just from without, but from within! The enemy is within NERV, they are among humanity. As the gods protect our planet, we will protect them from the enemies within!.. Each of you is a true believer, a witness to their power, and would gladly give your lives to the gods! The rest of our number knows a piece of the truth, but must be guided as they realize it fully."
"You will be their guides, and you will be the personal guard of Lady Kali and Lord Shiva. We will do what they cannot, to protect them from the petty enemies so that they may protect us from the great foes. Each of you will be a destroyer in unto yourselves! Every death in their service will feed this world and her children! We will transform the enemies of man into sweet succor in this dark time."
Kensuke held out his hands as the roar of the soldier rose again, and motioned for quiet.
"Lady Kali demands to know her servants as they know themselves. I have welcomed her into my heart, and each of you will as well. I give the floor now to our dark mother." Kensuke said and bowed as he turned to the door.
As her bare feet crossed the threshold, one hundred of the deadliest fighters in the world sank to their knees. Only Ken stayed on his feet as her lily pale legs divided the skirt of midnight blue strips that hung around her hips. A band of ragged blue cloth across her meager chest and a yellow band tied around her left arm were the only coverings on her upper body.
It was totally and utterly silent in the room, so much so that when Rei spoke, she did not have to raise her voice from a quiet conversation.
"My children, my dearest friends, your loyalty and obedience honor me. But to be counted among my most trusted children, I must know you totally, as I know he who was once Kensuke Aida, and has taken the name Snake as his own. Such a thing is laborious to me for now and so I shall choose those among you who have shown yourselves worthy to undergo the ordeal first. The rest of you will have your turns as I am ready."
Low murmurs began among the kneeling troops until Rei spoke again. Not a one would dare speak over her.
"Warthog, he who negotiated our tribute from NERV, who saw personally to proper treatment for Lord Shiva as he recovers, who stood before Gendo Ikari himself and did not falter… come forward."
It was of course was not actually a surprise, everyone involved had been informed beforehand and they had even rehearsed this part. Ken had deep respect for the ritual itself, and his intention in demanding the practice was not to cheapen the final performance, but to make sure it went as planned. A certain message had to be conveyed, and any mistakes would detract from that.
The fat German stepped out of ranks and walked in the aisle between the columns to the front of the room. He had taken up a position in the rear so that he passed nearly everyone on his walk forward. As he passed the ninth row, he pulled his gloves off and let them fall. Eight rows from the front, he pulled the scarf from his neck. Six rows out, he unbuttoned his uniform blouse and let it fall to the ground.
In preparation for tonight, he had not worn an undershirt. There were some gasps in the ranks as he walked past.
The first thing most noticed was the tattoo of black eagle across his shoulders, grasping a wreath in its talons. Along the top of the wing on one side read, in gothic lettering "Ver da Vaterland", and along the other wing "Totenkopf Antsiege" in the same font. Within the wreath, over the center of his back, was a swastika, colored to look like gleaming metal. On his left shoulder were tattooed the lightening runes of the SS, and on the right was a tattoo of the iron cross with oak leaf clusters. Around the inked award was written, in flowing script, "zum Gedenken an Montana Max 11 November 1918 – 8 Mai 1945". Across the knuckles on each hand were the letters N-A-Z-I.
As he got closer, his eyes focused on the blue haired girl that awaited him. Hate and love had filled his heart before he met her. He had hated the subhumans who were destroying his homeland and he loved war in all its forms, he had claimed. She had taught him how pointless his hate was.
As he stood before her, she only came to his shoulder. When he kneeled on both legs, she was the one to gingerly remove his glasses. To his vision, the entire world was darkness but for where she stood. He planted his hands on his knees and shivers ran through his body as she laid her pale little hands upon his shoulders.
Tell me of your pain…
Montana Max the third was born in East Berlin on the 11th day of November 1980. His name, very strange for a family which had never spread beyond the borders of the old German empire, came from his father and his grandfather before him, Herr Max the second and first lieutenant Max, respectively.
His name had given him only minimal trouble as a child. The teasing for its strangeness was tiny compared to the harassment for daring to be born a part of his family.
Despite a generation between his grandfather, an infamous, if little remembered by history, member of the SS and himself, many children in the state school in which he spent his early years saw fit to express their disdain. Young Montana took exception.
His meager physical attributes during these conflicts inured in him a love of strategy and tactics. He learned that even as the weaker and the slower fighter, if one approached these things with a plan, one could easily triumph over supposedly superior foes. His high marks in school, along with his success on the schoolyard field of battle, convinced him of his superiority.
This idea that he was built of better stuff than his supposed peers, along with a generally anti-communist mood within his family and his city, convinced him at a young age of the stupidity of communism. He did not have a problem with the state controls upon the economy, it only made sense for the state, with significantly more data than the average man, to make these decisions. He did not have a problem with the scarcity of goods, which promoted the hardy over the fickle. What young Montana Max hated was that he was forced to treat these stupid, sub-normal, pieces of filth as his equal.
As the wall fell, as the Soviet Union came to an end, Montana was elated. Finally, he could enter the Darwinian race of capitalism, where each man found his place based on his own performance, and could treat all below him as the filth they were. He was rudely surprised to find the truth of the matter quite different. He was depressed for a long time after that.
When he was thirteen, and his family was preparing to move, he had been put in charge of packing the crawlspace. It was where they had kept many forbidden things. Contraband, smuggled western goods, that sort of stuff. At the very back, Montana Max found a little box with his name on it. Within he found his grandfather's things, including a thin little book with a crumbling paper cover called My Struggle.
Suddenly things made more sense.
Fifteen years later, Montana Max was a respected captain in the Bundeswher, the army of this new, united Germany. He had commanded men and machine through the impact wars. He saw the military as the best way to have his superiority respected, and to one day have the influence to push for the "correction" his homeland so dearly needed. With the instability of the world, he knew that day would come soon.
Until one day, he was hauled by the MPs in front of his base commander. His commander was quite curious to know how it might have happened that Captain Montana Max might have been photographed at a rally of the banned national socialist coalition. The captain informed the mixed breed piece of filth masquerading as colonel of Germany that he was there to express his support and speak on how the military would be instrumental in the implementation of a new fascist state, starting with purging impure fakes like the colonel from its ranks.
The next day, newly minted civilian Montana Max, found himself in need of employment and with a great degree of on the job training in the waging of war. Fortunately, such men were in much demand in the private sector at that time.
He spent the following years mostly in Africa and the Middle East. He made his staff of other Bundeswher veterans and built a reputation for bringing his small force in to raise armies of well disciplined locals in record time. His "Afrikakorps" method was simple. Each training platoon was assigned twelve more men than normal. At the end of each week of training, the lowest performing recruit was executed in front of his comrades. At the end of three months, everyone had listened to his or her lessons very well.
When he had gotten the offer to come to Tokyo-3, he had not been worried about the mysterious client. Not knowing whom you worked for was normal in this business, as long as you got paid. He had brought on a few more men, friends from the business, and brought along some sub-humans who had outdone their comrades enough to be noticed.
All of it, his battle hardened veterans with premium equipment, had fallen before her. In that moment, a truth coalesced in his mind. White, black, brown, Aryan and jew, man and woman. They all die the same. In that moment, they were dying when a little albino girl turned them into so much blood and gore; the distinction between them became academic.
In that moment, he had lost all hate for any man or woman. He understood, in a very practical way, that on the inside they were all the same. He understood that the only thing that makes an individual is the one part of them that ceases to exist when the body is destroyed. Their individual will.
With hate removed, love filled his heart, the only true love he had ever had in life. His entire heart, free of the distractions of petty resentment, was committed to his love of war and of this beautiful little girl.
Screaming and the stench of cooking flesh and ozone filled the room. Lightening arced from her body to the deck and the railing above, and across the skin of the screaming, fat, German on his knees before her. Her red eyes glowed and to the amazement of all watching, the ink disappeared from Warthog's skin as her power coursed through his body.
It was over in a minute. The screaming stopped, and Rei raised her hands from the man. He took several minutes to stand, waving off any assistance. His body was covered in the root like scars of a lightening strike.
She slid his glasses back on his face herself, and another man brought him in blouse. As she tied his scarf around his neck, she said:
"You are my child, and I am your mother. Do you forgo all loyalties before me?"
"Ja." He replied
"Do you pledge your life and your soul to the service of my power and that of Shiva?"
"Ja." He said again.
"Do you commit yourself, now and forever, to the survival and prosperity of humanity?"
"Ja."
"All of humanity, warthog? Regardless of what they are?"
"Ja, ja, a thousand times ja."
"Then I name you thuggi."
"Thank you, dark mother…"
"Are all of you prepared to swear the same?" She called out, her voice echoing in the chamber.
"YES, DARK MOTHER."
Shinji stood before the doors, shivering. He felt something he had not felt in nearly a year.
Weak.
He would reach for one door, then the other.
Choose.
"I…I can't."
You must.
"This is like that first fight, isn't it? When I was in the eva and didn't know what was going on. Then you told me why I had to do it."
Yes.
"Tell me why I must do it my friend. I am… I don't have the strength to do this alone."
Shinji Ikari, why do you not move forward?
"I don't have the strength."
You need not. I am with you, as I have always been, and as I will always be. My strength will carry you through to find your own.
"Why do I have to do it? I mean why me?"
Because the world is at stake, and only you are in a position to save it.
"But can't I wait? Rei and I are making good progress, I'll get to it."
The enemy's only goal is the elimination of all life on earth. The enemy is strong, the enemy is relentless. The enemy will not wait for you to advance in comfort. Even now the next angel is on its way.
"Rei has gotten so strong, she can shoulder the burden until I get there."
Your strength must match hers if you have any hope of defeating the next angel.
"I am afraid of what I will find."
These are things you have survived before. You have the greatest weapon of man in your mind, the deadliest art more powerful than any forged of iron. With it you will defeat the enemy within yourself.
Shinji reached his hand out. He took a deep breath and closed his eyes as he grabbed the handle of the fortified door. He felt chains and locks crumble away as he turned the handle, and the courtyard faded away as he pushed the door open.
Shinji felt a rush of air and a floor fly up to meet his feet. It was not what he expected. Instead of cold tile, his bare feet sunk into thick carpet. Shinji opened his eyes, not to harsh fluorescent light he expected, but dim starlight through a window and a little blue bird night light in the corner. He turned quickly and found a picture of a lighthouse on the opposite wall. He had to see it, just to be sure.
"This… is my room."
Indeed.
Shinji looked around the room. It was smaller than he remembered, but then he remembered he was nearly twice as tall as he was when he slept here. He looked down at the bed and saw his three-year old self curled up under the sheets. The walls were bright green. His parents had painted it that way when he discovered the wonders of dinosaurs. He ran his fingers over the wrinkled paper drawings pinned above his bed. One purple triceratops weirdly looked like his eva.
His bed was a western style wooden piece, sized for a small child. The low table and chest of drawers were similarly scaled.
"Vasuki… I don't remember this. I mean I am asleep, I shouldn't have remembered anything."
Listen…
On cue, Shinji heard voices down the hall. He stepped out his own bedroom door and walked towards the kitchen. At the table were his mother and father. Father was standing, leaning on a chair. Mother was sitting. They were arguing, loudly. As he stepped closer, little specks of memory came to him. Of laying in his bed at night in the dark, listening to the voices shout.
"Why does it have to be you?! You are the head of the project, you are too important!" He heard his father shot.
"Gendo, we have already discussed this. It has to be me, just like it has to be me, just like it has to be Shinji! Even if there was an alternative, anybody else could get it wrong." His mother said. Shinji had always remembered her voice being soft and sweet. He was glad he had never heard her in anger. She sounded like a school master dressing down an unruly pupil.
"Why do you even have to do this? Why does it have to be you and your son, what about Soryu and her girl?"
"Gendo, you know as well as I do why it has to be Shinji, and why it will have to be the other girl when they find her." Mother said. She stood to meet Father and took his hands in hers.
"Please, dear. We knew this was coming. And when it is all done, we'll be together again, forever."
"What if we find another way?"
"Then we know how to get me back out."
"Theoretically."
"Theoretically. Please Gendo, I don't want the last things we say to each other for a decade and half to be in anger."
"Okay, wildflower…" Gendo said. They kissed, then embraced… Then Shinji felt, in addition to very enlightened, very awkward. He saw no shame in retreating to his room.
As he sat down on the bed next to his younger self, Shinji realized why this was important.
"This is the night before the accident, isn't it?"
Yes.
"We can skip what comes next, I know how it goes."
No, we cannot.
Shinji rested his elbows on his knees and held his head in his hands.
"Fuck. Alright, lets do this."
The rest passed like it was on fast forward. He and father came and went, and the house faded and decayed. He watched himself grow beneath the sheets. The pictures and pain came off the walls. Dad never got him a new bed, even when his feet were hanging off the sides. He watched himself cry to sleep eighteen hundred times, give or take a couple weeks.
He got up and walked around the house without joy. He saw his father ignore him, or worse, take the time to punish him for some reason or another. He saw the moment when he was six and broke the dish. Shinji tried to grab his father's arm as he swung the belt down at the little boy, but they passed through each other like ghosts.
Shinji walked towards the door of the house. He knew he had to watch this one moment before it hurricane of memories would stop.
He was eight. The school year had just ended. His perfect grades, achieved by blood sweat and tears in hopes of gaining his father's approval, had been ignored. Instead, Gendo had packed him two changes of clothes in a duffle bag and told him to get out.
He watched himself standing on the doorstep with tears in his eyes. He watched the men in dark suits take him away. As the door closed and Gendo walked away, Shinji realized he wasn't watching anything he could have seen before. He followed the apparition of his father to the kitchen and watched him take the bottle and the glass out. Gendo Ikari sat at the kitchen table, elbows resting on his knees, with his head in his hands.
"Fuck." They said together.
Shinji closed his eyes and the house faded away. When he opened them again, they were back in Vasuki's courtyard.
You hate Gendo Ikari.
"I did."
And now?
Shinji took a long, slow breath. "I dunno… I just don't. I don't hate him, I don't like him, I don't really feel anything about him. I think if anything I feel sorry for him. He is just there, being him. He is the commander of NERV, I mean, technically I work for him, I think maybe, I dunno, it was complicated when Remo-sensei explained it. All I know is, what I think of him doesn't really matter, so why waste the energy on thinking about him."
That is… satisfactory. It is a step forward surely, and more than anyone would expect of someone in your position.
"I could do better though?"
Yes.
"How?"
Forgive him.
"I think that is something he must earn himself. I feel like simply forgiving him would somehow absolve him of his actions. He still needs to be responsible, but I won't waste my time on waiting for him to become a better human being."
Perhaps.
Shinji regarded the remaining door.
"Why does it look so used, when the other was so secure?"
You rarely consider those memories, because so much else defines you. This memory you visit often. Every time-
"…I close my eyes…"
Yes. It defines so much of your anger, of your spite and hate. If you can let go of your attachment to it, the rest will be as dust besides the boulder that is this one experience.
Shinji looked at the door, making no movement towards it. He reached one hand up to his shoulder and gentle strokes the serpent that lay there.
"My friend, would it seem odd for me to worry about the void it would leave? About what I will be without everything that surrounds the experience?"
No. Many hold onto their rage and their fear only because they fear the unknown land they will see when they get past it.
"I wish Rei was here."
I think it would please her greatly if you were to overcome your attachment to this memory. She would much rather you put the energy into her. Forgive me if this sounds… strange, but I think your beloved sees this thing that confines you as something akin to a rival for your affections.
"What do you mean?"
Well she does not know it truly, but she knows the effect it has on you. She knows the attention you give it. She wants that time and attention on her, she wants to be able to affect you so deeply.
"I think I know what you mean, yeah I can see that."
Shinji looked at the door. He knew what he would find beyond. He knew every exacting detail of it.
"My friend, I see the wisdom of seeing those memories again. I was small, I didn't have the context to see the truth back then. But this one… I know exactly what went on. I know the means, the motive, and the opportunity of the crime, you know?"
The means, how it was done. Yes you know that well. The opportunity, where and when and why it was under those circumstances. I think you know a piece of the truth. The motive… this you do not truly know at all. When you understand it all truly… then you will be able to move forward.
Shinji felt his hands. They were clammy with sweat. As he clenched his fists, he felt the ropey muscles he had been building for nearly a year. There on the dry grass he stretched his body, starting from the core and going all the way out to his fingertips.
"I am created, Shiva, the destroyer. I am the transformer, the remaker, he who watches the dead become the earth, and the earth become the plants, and the plants become the food to feed new life. Made whole by the Master of Sinanju, I stand against all who threaten this world, in all its realms, all of its peoples, and all of its life…"
Shinji reached out and grabbed the worn handle of the door.
"And I will not be defeated by a memory."
End
I always figured Gendo had something pretty messed up going behind those glasses. I am also in the camp that everyone knew going in what the contact experiment with Yui would do. How do you cope with that? Watching the person you love most in this world (or in Gendo's case the only person he ever loved) go willingly to their death?
I had not wanted to use the word Thuggi and Thug, because I thought its modern usage would detract from understanding what was going on. But this is the Internet and you all have Wikipedia, so I am going to respect your intelligence. So the thugs they are.
I chose Herr Major because I wanted to show just what kind of people are under this banner. If you read closely, you will probably see the only part of his beliefs he has left behind are the racial bits. And that's okay in Kali's eyes. He loves war, he loves to kill, he loves to watch people die. But now his love has changed focus. He loves doing all those things for her.
Obviously the events of Hellsing don't happen here, I just suppose the original major (presumably never rose above first lieutenant) existed but not the millennium project. So he fathers a child before the end of the war, that guy has a kid, and the crazy skipped a generation.