Everyone part of the Auction had spilled through the entryway and filed neatly into the stadium with only minimal pushing and shoving.
They had packed into every nook and cranny available so far and some people had even managed to climb up onto the beams in the rafters overhead or were piggy-backing on taller, broud-shouldered attendees. A panic had broken out earlier in the crowd because Kenpachi and Mayuri had gone at it again over who was going to slice-and-dice the new meat going on the block today.
Today, it was the ginger with the big tits. Of course, Nnoitora wasn't allowed to say "tits" because this shenanigan was PG-13 and slowly devaluing to PG because their very cheap host liked keeping the peace, among other things.
Last chapter, Nnoitora had died—yes, died—because that dumb-ass, Kevvy, had tossed a handful of confetti in his mouth and blocked his airways. She had revived him to his former perfection, but he was still reeling over the idiocy of it—being killed by confetti.
That asshole Grimmjow had finally taken a hike. Good. More of the limelight for him, then.
Yamamoto was at the bottom of the stage having an intense discussion with Kevvy over the clamor of the audience. They were conversing at normal volume, but Nnoitora could only make out a couple of words that gave him enough of an idea that the subject of their debate was Chojirou.
The old fart was probably trying to bid on his lieutenant.
The high-pitched screeching of Mayuri continued droning on to the point of inducing migraines, and Nnoitora finally scooted his ass on over to the edge of the platform and looked down into the throng.
The mad scientist—no madder than Szayel—waved his scalpel and stabbed at the air a couple of times to get his message across to everyone close to him: I dislike physical contact and I will cut off any appendages that cross the bounds of my personal space.
Not to mention he was trying to get Kevvy's attention by repitively howling his offers, specifically for Orihime. There was really no telling what he wanted with her. Maybe he wants to add her to his harem, Nnoitora thought. Did Reapers even have harems?
They must. They were freakin' death gods, there wasn't any way they didn't have some harem tucked away.
"HEY, YOU WINDBAG! SHUT UP! NO ONE'S INTERESTED IN YOUR SICK FANTASIES!" Nnoitora bellowed.
Mayuri's eyes narrowed and he pointed with one long bony finger at Nnoitora, singling him out.
"You," he said, and his voice was audible over the chaos. He then proceeded to belt out through the crowd in order to assault Kevvy with his twisted offers.
ZangetsuJakes: "I'm sorry for insulting you, Nnoitora, but you're a bad guy."
He scoffed, crossing his legs and leaning back on the palms of his hands.
"But look on the bright side, people really like to hate really good bad guys (if that makes any sense) so that's why a lotta people don't like you."
"That was so contradictory to itself it didn't make any sense," Nnoitora said.
ZangetsuJakes went over to talk to Kevvy about Mayuri and gave Orihime a stuffed teady bear because she was so nice, which earned her a rib-crushing hug. Nnoitora swore to god he thought for a moment that ZangetsuJakes would get swallowed up by those massive jugs of Orihime's. It was terrifying to watch.
"Thank you so much!" the ginger cried, ebullient, finally letting go of the poor auction-goer.
Nnoitora jolted when Kevvy suddenly screamed and began flailing around, A Seireitei Swimsuit Monthly in her clutches. She was ecstatic. That probably had to do with the fact that is was the Kaien Shiba issue.
So basically Kevvy took up glomping ZangetsuJakes right after Orihime, and there were plenty of hugs all around. Then Noitora jumped again when ZangetsuJakes addressed him out of nowhere.
"And Nnoitora! I don't hate you, let's be clear about that. You can come with me and I promise I won't bake you into any pies or torture you or insult you more times than you insult me. I will give you a Jacuzzi, I will take care of Santa Teresa for you and I'll allow no hater-people with soap or confetti anywhere near you if you come with me.
I will also give you a house anywhere you want and I'll make sure Kevvy can never, ever find you ever again. You don't even have to have contact with me if you don't want to."
The Quinta Espada looked over at Kevvy, who seriously didn't even appear to care about the part of the review that concerned her. She just seemed happy spazzing over her swimsuit issue.
He wouldn't admit it, but he hated and respected her...which was paradoxical in a way.
It took a really weird person to market characters and expect almost nothing in return.
It definitely wouldn't have been his idea, that's for sure.
"I'm a girl, in case that isn't clear," ZangetsuJakes pointed out randomly.
"Actually, that helps," Kevvy said. "I wouldn't want to mistakenly be under the impression you're a guy, so thank you for putting that out there."
"I think I changed my mind."
"OH FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!" Nnoitora bellowed, arms flailing around.
"I would like to bid on Sasikibe-san. You are the 1st squad's fuku-taichou, correct? I'm trying to get my characters straight in my head."
Chojirou bowed his head politely. "Correct," he said. A man of few words, obviously.
Nnoitora hated him immediately. Chojirou didn't have to say anything. He was a jack-of-all-trades and he was fairly polite, not to mention he had a bad-ass bankai. He wouldn't be difficult like most of the other indecisive dumb-asses that had passed through here. He would pick an offer quick and be gone.
Unlike Nnoitora, who had been here for awhile and then some.
Tsunami Jeagerjaques: "Nnoitora! If you belong to me, I will give you an AizenWeakenInator so you can beat him up."
"And what exactly IS that?" Nnoitora asked speculatively.
"And beer. And ladies. Big-boobied Russian ladies. And pie. No one can forget about pie."
Nnoitora's jaw clenched just thinking about how ZangetsuJakes had wanted to put him in a pie for Grimmjow.
"And I have a massive collection of weaponry so you won't be bored! And I'm available if you like black-haired, green-eyed 6' 3" big-boobed (I'm a D cup) thin waisted and delicious hipped women. And I have a nice ass so...come to mama! I have cookies!"
"Damn!" Nnoitora exclaimed. It sounded like every guy's dream girl, except taller. He liked that.
"Well, that was...very descriptive," Kevvy said nearby.
Niji Hitomi Kabra: "First, this is an absolutely wonderful idea."
"Why, thank you," Kevvy says, obviously flattered. Nnoitora rolled his eyes.
"Second, for Nnoitora-sama, I can only offer myself and Tesla to be willing slaves to be used in any way Master wishes to use us...and I do mean ANYTHING."
"Oh," Nnoitora articulated, brow arching.
"However, on the off chance that he has already chosen, I'd like to offer a lifetime supply of taiyaki for Renji-kun whenever he comes up on the block. It's a low bid but one can't reveal all of one's cards up front."
"So true!" Kevvy declares, and Kenpachi screams, "LEMME CUT SOMETHING UP!"
"Later," she tells him. Nnoitora grimaced as the huge brute swung his sword and a ton of aution-goers ducked just in time to get a clean trim.
A dirty, raggedy old teddy bear crawled up onto the stage with much struggle and finally flopped over onto the edge. It raised a clawed paw and, pointing heavenward, said, "I bid for Orihime...I'll give you...the land of pleasure."
Kon let his stuffed arm fall limp by his side and allowed his head to idly loll to the side. He took one look at Nnoitora, who was glaring at him with disdain, and went, "What the fuck happened to your face?"
For the nth time, Nnoitora Jiruga had been insulted. His name had been slandered and he'd been dragged through the mud. Granted, some people were actually nice to him, but this was the last straw.
Furious, Nnoitora gritted his teeth together and leaned forward, snatching up the ugly lion.
Kon then commenced to scream bloody murder as he ripped his stuffing out. Orihime didn't bother to go to Kon's aid because her attention had been diverted by AbaraiArekushisu.
"I would like to bid for Orihime. Inoue-san, I offer you an unlimited gold card to buy any food you want, a super deluxe kitchen equipped with state of the art kitchen gadgets to cook in, AND 100 Kurosaki-kun clones to do with as you please."
"Oh, yay!" Orihime said, clapping her hands together and smiling brilliantly. Her bubbly personality practically affected everyone there. A couple of the men present in the crowd sighed dreamily.
Noitora snarled savagely as he bit off Kon's ear and ran his face a couple of hundred times into the floor, in no way moved by the ginger girl as the other men.
"Are the clones like cyborgs?" Orihime asked curiously. "Or are they totally flesh and blood. And what will they wear! Would it be tuxedos? Tuxedos are so cool!"
She began to drool slightly as she visualized what Ichigo would like in a tuxedo. "And what's blue men repellant?" she asked when AbaraiArekushisu went on about adding 10 bottles of this repellant and 2 super-sized jars of wasabi and red bean paste.
"Oh, that reminds me that I ran out of red bean paste! Thank you so much!"
"You don't have to be my slave or anything weird like that, just my friend. How does that sound?"
"It sounds great! I would love that! We could play Monopoly and bake a red-bean paste cake, and make all sorts of outfits for the clones, because that's a lot of clothes for so many Ichigos!"
Orihime continued babbling on and on as Nnoitora finished up his dirty work with Kon. Nothing but fluff remained of the filthy little piece of garbage. No doubt, Kevvy would revive him later when he was need for the Auction, but for now he would bask in the pleasure that mauling it had earned.
anime-kisses: "Sasakibe is on Auction? Yay! I bid an elegant mansion, full of western furnishings and a butler, who will keep everything tidy and make you tea, so you don't have to do it. Seriously, after that last attempt of yours, we never want you making tea again."
Chojirou looked a bit surprised by this kindness, and expressed his appreciation by nodding and giving a soft-spoken, "Thank you."
"Also, I shall try and bid on Yama-jii, or at least arrange some playdates.
P.S.: Hi, Orihime! I baked you a pie! With love!"
Orihime waved to Anime-kisses and smiled, her boobs bouncing slightly with her erratic movements.
A lot of people, including Nnoitora, had to refrain from staring.
"I will have my chance," Mayuri said from his place in the crowd. A peeved auction-goer who'd been listening to Mayuri's bullshit all day and was fed up, turned and punched him in the face. Which inspired others to follow suit.
After the first fist was thrown, turmoil broke out and it created a mass effect which resulted in everybody punching everybody.
Kevvy screamed over the chaos to get crowd control and Nnoitora ducked back-stage to escape the disaster. Chojirou and Orihime were ushered away as well, and the fun was suddenly all over.
"I CAN'T STAND THIS CRAP!" Nnoitora howled, yanking on fistfuls of his hair. "I'M OUTTA HERE! SHRIMPVILLE HERE I COME!"
"CONGRATS, VALENTINEREVENGE! YOU WON NNOITORA!" Kevvy shouted, and shrieked as she was hauled off-stage by the crazy auction-goers.
Nnoitora bolted for the door.
He internally swore he would never eat pie again.
To be continued...
I usually write the chapters from my point of view, but I only went out of my way once to write it from the perspective of another outside character (a.k.a. Ulquiorra). I liked doing it so much I decided to do it again with Nnoitora because it was refreshing to be on the sidelines while someone else did all the thinking. I understand if it's a bit confusing and I promise it won't be a regular occurence, I just figured maybe everyone would like the different angle.
Oh, and for some reason, alot of you readers bid pie or give out pie. Is there some pie craze going on I don't know about? lol. For those who didn't see their bids put up, they will be on the next chapter, I promise. COMING UP, MAYURI KUROTSUCHI IS GOING ON AUCTION. ANYONE WHO IS INTERESTED SUBMIT YOUR BIDS BECAUSE HE IS TEARING MY AUCTION APART.