Chapter 16
The savagry had finally reduced to a delicate simmer. Now that Orihime was gone, there were no lesbians or bat-shit crazy nympho-maniacs creeping around. They had all fled elsewhere...hopefully to seek much-needed psychiatric help. Who could say for sure.
It was just the guys now, but it wasn't like that didn't present problems at all. Rapist fangirls were my main concern now. They usually liked to sample the merchandise before actually buying it, and the last thing I needed was my readers suing my operation because the guys had signs of wear and tear.
No one wants to buy it if it's not, at best, virginal.
Grimmjow had been about as clean as a mud puddle, but he had the body of a sex god to make up for it. That, and there had never been any kind of illusions about the kind of guy he was.
All of the goods I sold were grade A. I made sure of that.
Of course, I couldn't vouch for Kokuto's innocence. Looking at him now, I begin to wonder if people get any in the Underworld. It isn't beyond the realm of possibility, that's for sure.
My crew walks past close by, bustling back and forth and adjusting the lighting in the studio as bidders pour in through the doors up front.
Renji is complaining about being hungry from where he sits on a small work desk just feet away. At first, he had been tremendously pissed off because he had been kidnapped on his way to an important council.
Then, when he had found out that he was going to be auctioned off to a complete stranger, he had quickly downgraded to panic.
After playing catch-up with Starrk and Mayuri on everything related to their worlds, he had seemed to accept his situation, but was making the most of it by criticizing my fantastic workspace. He griped mostly about the lack of service (as if I was supposed to wait on him hand and foot) and furniture.
His efforts coincided with Mayuri's, who was trying just as hard to drive me up the wall.
"What is with these tacky drapes?" Mayuri asks, pointing at the curtains hiding the backstage portion of the stadium.
"Don't you guys have anything to eat?" Renji whines.
"I require supplies if you intend to keep me here longer."
"How long is this going to take?"
"This is a waste of time. Do you not realize who I am?"
"My captain is going to be looking for me."
Scarlette Smith: "I bid on Renji! I bid my eternal love and fangirlishness!"
"I SWEAR I WILL TRANQ YOU BOTH!" I scream.
Mayuri and Renji both fall silent. A hush descends over the room. It's so quiet, in fact, that it takes me a moment to realize that everyone, including the bidders and my personnel had all stopped in their tracks.
"Do you mean her?" Renji finally asks, pointing to Scarlette Smith.
"No, you moron! I mean you two!" I shout, jabbing both index fingers at the lieutenant and 12th division captain. "Drop the complaints or I'll have you sedated until you're taken off the block."
Renji shuts his trap, but Mayuri grumbles under his breath and swiftly slides away to go be annoying elsewhere.
Kokuto, who hadn't been acknowledged by any of the others going up for auction, was as silent as he'd been since I'd left him on his own. I think the only reason he was being ignored was because he'd caused such chaos trying to open the gates of Hell, but that was just my opinion.
Starrks fangirls had given him a shrine of pillows off to the far corner of the stage, and that was where he'd been since his introduction. After a half-hearted conversation with Renji, he'd fallen asleep and hadn't gotten up since. I would have feared him dead if not for the occasional snore or the twitch of a limb.
Saria: "I offer Starrk a large, quiet, private room covered in pillows that no intruders can enter to disturb his naps, with an adjustable thermostat!"
"Yeah that sounds nice," Starrk mumbles in his sleep.
I stare. Everyone blinks.
"Fascinating! Response in REM sleep," Mayuri marvels at a distance, scribbling the experience down on a notepad.
animekisses: "Kevvy! You've updated! Yay! I've missed you."
"Yeah, I'm sorry it's been so long to get to this chapter. Got caught up with life and everything," I say. "But it's good to be back!"
"Have this life-sized Kaien cutout! I bought it with my Benedict Cumberbatch cutout"
I stand there, fully molesting the cutout with my eyes. "Me likes..." I say, and proceed to drool...copiously.
"Mayuri can't seem to get a break. And I'm loving every second of it."
"I choose to be here of my own volition! I can leave anytime I want!" Mayuri declares.
"You say that with such assurance," I mutter.
"I'm glad Orihime found a good home. :) I don't want to get involved in the Kokuto fan girl death match that is bound to happen."
"You wouldn't!" a female voice scoars the air.
"THIS BATTLE TAKES BALLS!"
"ANYONE TRIES TO TAKE 'IM AND I'LL GOUGE THEIR EYES OUT!"
Renji looks noticeably nonplussed, but Kokuto just gives a mellow smile and clasps his hands together between his legs.
"Can I just casually run up there and give him a kiss?"
Angry howls explode from the dedicated circle of fans milled around the bottom of the stage.
"You can try," I offer cheerfully.
Animekisses flies at Renji, glomping him and sending the crimson-haired lieutenant sprawling onto the floor. "Renji! I love you!" Renji flushes a pink hue when she whispers in his ear, "You are more awesome than Ichigo. Don't let anybody tell you otherwise."
"I won't bid on you, love, but I will be here to protect you from any hatred."
"G-good to know," he stammers.
"As for Starrk...I offer you a comfortable California King-sized sleep number bed, littered with an assortment of pillows, in a room full of scented candles with soft classical music played gently in the background. I also offer protection from Lilinette so you may get a full night (or week's) sleep. But I'll make sure she's safe. You'll get to see her when you want. Oh! And I have this soft body pillow as a gift!"
To add to his already massive collection of pillows.
"Hm, scented candles..." Starrk sighs and rolls over, still napping. Still, no one can figure out how he does it.
ImSeriousBro: "I can see you killing everyone to get Kaien. Seriously. I'm picturing it."
I cross my arms. "Well I hope there's lots of gore. It just wouldn't be accurate if it's not a bloodbath."
"I keep telling you the bribary is a means to an end. They're going to use their enticements to guilt you into giving them Shiba," Mayuri tells me. The wicked scientist gives me a pointed look.
"Mayuri's a jerk."
"WHAT?" He whirls around, teetering by a thread, a thread I know all to well is just the run-up before the scalpels come flying out. The last thing I need is another innocent bystander getting a full-body renovation.
I could confiscate his stuff, but what good would that do? The guy's entire body is a weapon.
Chirpy Hitomi chan: "Mayuri, you're the most revolting character I've ever seen in my life, and you deserve to die. But I'm a very kind-hearted person so I take pity on you and offer you a plastic surgery to at least change your revolting self from the outside (thought I can't do anything about you from the inside.)"
Renji bursts out laughing, unable to contain himself.
"I'M SURGICALLY MODIFIED, YOU DIMWITTED FOOLS! NONE OF THIS YOU SEE BEFORE YOU IS EVEN REMOTELY FLAWED!" Mayuri screeches. I rush over and put a calming hand on his shoulder, trying to reign him in before he commits genocide.
"Okay, I think we've had enough for one day, don't you? Let's go and meet your owner."
Mayuri begins to fly into a rage about how he is not owned as I drag him backstage.
"Congrats Devil'sEyeAlchemist," Renji announces, "you have won Mayuri. It's your funeral."
"It's a morbid day indeed," Kokuto says softly as a downpour starts outside.
"For Renji: I'll give you an Ichigo punching bag, secret, never ever revealed information on how to get together with Rukia and surpass Byakuya, pay for all the tattoos you want and unlimited taiyaki to eat."
Renji looked flustered. "What do you mean, 'get together with Rukia'?"
I walk back onstage and pat him on the back. "As clueless as Ichigo," I sigh.
"What's that s'pposed to mean?!"
I shake my head woefully as Renji splutters, trying to validate to me his "platonic" relationship with Rukia.
I ignore his blathering as Chirpy Hitomi chan goes on.
"For Starrk: Unlimited sleep on the ultimate, luxurious bed and pillows, with service to get anything you want so that you would never have to get up, and anti-Lilinette security so that she doesn't disturb you when you sleep."
Starrk snickers in his slumber. "Heh, security...anti-Lilinette." He snorts and continues dozing.
Renji pokes the Primera with his sandal, but the Arrancar doesn't stir.
"That's weird..." he murmurs.
"P.S."
"Hm?" I swivel, turning to face Hitomi-san as I'm offered the 30th volume of Bleach, featuring the epic battle between Rukia and the 9th Espada, of course.
I beam. "Thanks! I already have, like, two copies, so it's awesome to have another. MORE KAIEN TO GO AROUND!" I shower Hitomi-chan in a waterfall of candy and bounce around with my new present.
Starrk mumbles in his sleep again as Sakura Schiffer issues a rapid bid, her hand flying around in the air.
"STARRK-SAMA, I'LL LET YOU SLEEP FOR AS LONG AS YOU WANT AS MUCH AS YOU WANT!"
"That's good, 'cause he's been doing a lot of that recently," I say casually, waving over at Starrk's unconscious form. Sakura didn't stop there. She began to add on other stuff: Lilinette and high-ranking servants as his servant/friends so he wouldn't be alone. Canopy beds, pillows galore.
"For Kevvy-san, Sakura will give you the one and only Kaien Shiba! No fake. Sakura swears."
"SEE!"
Renji, who was sitting on the edge of the stage wolfing down a sandwich, blows his food out all over audience when Sakura Schiffer whips out Kaien and exposes his ass right there in front of everyone.
I hurry to censor, but it's too late.
Rabid fangirls scream as Sakura proceeds to beckon with flourish at Tite Kubo's signature on one of his butt cheeks.
"Wow...looks permanent," I say, my eyes round. My jaw hangs open.
I'm not the only one. Others are getting an eyeful. The beauty of a man's ass is stunning...and apparently serves as good crowd-control. Renji and the other guys present have their eyes covered, but the women have all busied themselves taking pictures and fawning. A couple of catcalls and whistles pierce the air.
"Okay," I speak, trying to compose myself. "I think you should put that away now." One of my bodyguards goes down into the throng to escort Sakura Schiffer so no one tries to rape Kaien.
I try to turn away, but at the last minute I change my mind and haul ass off the stage, flinging myself into the crowd.
"WAIT! DON'T LEAVE ME!" I scream. The other fangirls begin to lose their minds.
I paw for Kaien.
All Hell breaks loose.
A/N: Next chapter will be posted soon. If you didn't see your bid on this chappy, then it will on the next one, because I just couldn't fit everything on here.
Congrats to Devil'sEyeAlchemist for winning Mayuri. Your name will join the others on my profile.
Kokuto, Renji and Starrk are all still on bid and will be until my next update.
Thanks and love go out to all those who are following this and have reviewed.
Don't give up. You all will get your chance. :)
Have fun in the epic bidding wars to come.
Starrk lovers, don't despair. I'm sure he'll be awake by next chappy.