Chapter 18
Finally, I am sane.
After going completely off the wall in the last chapter, I've fully recovered and woken from my very long drug-induced sleep. Of course, it all would have paid off better if insanity hadn't broken out in my absence.
But who can complain when insanity is the main ingredient of the Auction?
It seems not even Kisuke Urahara's awesome-ness could bring things to a simmer.
In fact, when I walk out on stage, all he's really doing is standing around, peering out from under the rim of his hat with a face that says he knows something I don't. Renji is helplessly watching the chaos play out from his Lazy-Boy.
Debri flies in shreds everywhere, most of it landing in Kokuto's hair, since he's the closest to the mayhem.
Fan-girls begin prying the floorboards up from the studio in the process of trying to find Starrk.
Sakura Schiffer starts having a panic attack of biblical proportions and flips a random table. Rukia cries out in horror as Sakura dramatically tosses Chappy out a window, and then throws Rukia out also with surprising strength. "OMFJWTF, STARRK-SAMA! WHERE IS STARRK-SAMA?! STARRK-SAMA, COME BACK!"
Her screaming begins to rile the others, and they start swarming from one end of the studio to the other. When it becomes obvious her efforts are fruitless, she goes to sit in her emo corner.
"Hey, I have one of those too!" I say cheerfully... though an emo corner isn't anything to be cheerful about.
"Sakura is sorry that Kevvy-chan is all doped up. Sakura hopes ya come back soon so Sakura can draws ya a pretty picture! And bring Starrk-sama with juw!"
I give a sprightly little salute. "Kevvy's just amazing now!" I exclaim. "A picture would be great. I'm sorry about Starrk, but I'm sure once Saria has had her fun, he'll be back."
"And Kisuke-kun...if Sakura doesn't get Starrk-sama...she'll bid fer ya too! Kisuke and Sakura will get along just fine! Sakura will keep ya entertained and stuff...Sakura will loves juw forevers and try ta get Yoruichi fer ya..."
Kisuke beams at Sakura, his eyes lighting up. Renji just looks extremely confused.
"Why is she talking in the third person?" he asks to no one in particular.
"Starrk-sama...if ya can hear me...Sakura thinks you're the bestest ever and that yer not lazy! You just prefer not to use unnecessary energy! And Sakura thinks your sexy and nice and Sakura will try to get ya anything ya want! Like a Snuggie (not a cheap one, but an awesome one with wolves)"
Sakura makes a puppy dog face, and Kisuke immediately rushes over to be the first to sympathize.
Fangirls scream wildly as he takes his hat off and places it on Sakura's head, patting her affectionately.
Jinta, who is standing in the back row, just crosses his arms and mutters, "Show off."
Saria: "YAY! I GOT STARRK-SAMA!" Somewhere far away Starrk settles down into his mound of silk pillows, sheets and downy blankets endowed to him by Saria. "So...handsome...He shall never be lonely!" She goes to join him for a nap while I collect her bid for Geta-boshi from one of my heavily-built bodyguards.
The clock is ticking and the fangirls are still seething. Starrk's absence really seems to be getting under their skin. Not that I blame them. Starrk is hot. Who wouldn't want to debauch his holy temple? Everything about him seems so forbidden.
CelestialxXxAngel waves her hands from the front of the crowd. "Hello, there. I'm bringing a shirt with a Kaien picture on it and a Kaien plushie as a greeting for Kevvy-san...But, somehow, I can't see Kevvy-san anywhere." She turns her head left and right. Renji scans the stage also, unable to find me.
Finally, I come out from behind my hunky bodyguard, having been shamelessly inspecting his sculpted backside. He then removes the hood from his jacket in fluid movie-star motion, revealing himself to be Chad Yasutora.
Renji's eyes bulge.
Kisuke just gives a weird little smile...like he knew who it was all along.
"KYYYYAAAAAAA!" Girls go wild.
"Kaien paraphernalia is always welcome in my house," I say, flashing a blinding smile at Celestial.
"Anyway, I heard that Urahara is going on bid...So, I can bid for him, right?"
Hat-'n-clogs flips his fan open. "Of course!" he asserts.
"I will give him a lifetime stock for his shop, new interesting projects to work up for him, a Hogyoku and the way to destroy it, and..."
Everybody leans in, expecting something epic. "...That's it for now. I might think of something better to offer later, though." Since Kisuke can't tip his hat to her, having given his hat away until he has access to a spare, he just does a flourish with his fan. Everyone begins to buzz about Chad's arrival.
Kokuto, who seems to have abandoned his fake worshippers, is now pacing restlessly along the far end of the stage. He seems to understand he's no longer in his element.
Denial is setting in.
Anime-Kisses: "Ah, another chapter, another day of unstable fan-girls attempting to kill each other in an attempt to win over their favorite characters. I love the smell of bat shit crazy in the morning!"
"I know. Smells wonderful, right?" I say, watching as someone hurls a chair halfway across the room, where it falls short of hitting the wall, succumbs to gravity, and lands on someone's head will a dull thud.
Paramedics hurry onto the scene and wheel the bidder away on a gurney.
"Kisuke! It's awesome to see you again; I've missed you in your Q&A fic! Good times!"
Kisuke grins. "Ah, yes."
"You've done a marvelous job as guest host, so congrats! As for a bid, I just have to! You're too awesome not to have! Okay, here we go: first off, I'll make sure that I either get Yoruichi or arrange a bunch of play dates, if you know I mean."
Kisuke chuckles, waggling his eyebrows. "Oh, yeah, I see where you're coming from."
"Yeah?" Anime-kisses begins winking continuously until her eye falls out, at which point Renji squeals like a girl and I have Chad fetch my medical kit to go put her eye back in place.
"Yeah, you get me. Along with that, the whole collection of Arthur Conan Doyle's Sherlock Holmes! I'm not sure if you'll like it, but it just seems like the kind of thing you'd like."
Kisuke nods enthusiastically. "Never gets old," he agrees.
"I also have a bunch of new items and trinkets for your shop. And the golden item of them all-"
A drum roll begins. "-A FREE GET OUT OF JAIL PRANKING PASS! USE IT ON ANYONE YOU'D LIKE AND YOU CAN'T GET IN TROUBLE. But, it's only good for a month, so you'll have to get to work quickly. And if I happen to kiss you, just let it happen. Hahah."
"That's very dangerous," I mumble. Geta-boshi looks flattered by the offer... but mostly by the prospect of a kiss.
"I hope Saria is having fun with Starrk! Hopefully appropriate pg-13 (max) fun... When Starrk comes back, I'll attempt a kiss (oh lord, I need to stop.)"
"Nonsense," I say. "Please go on."
"Kokuto!" Kokuto stops pacing and comes to attention. "I'm sorry no one's bid on you yet! I thought for sure thought you'd have a crap ton of bids! I'd bid on you, but I'd feel bad because I'm just not that into your character. Sure, you're attractive as hell, but I don't think you'd enjoy living with me. But I hope someone absolutely amazing comes along for you! Keep your chin up, love!"
Kokuto grunts, goes back to pacing.
"I think he's awesome. And hot," I remark, shrugging. "In fact, I'm going to bid on you. Kokuto, I offer you a life outside Hell."
Kokuto stops and looks at me, deadpan. "I'm already out of Hell."
"Yeah, but you're going back if you don't have an owner," I point out.
He gives a ragged sigh. An infuriated howl erupts somewhere behind me, and I turn to see a very red-faced Renji has engaged Chirpy Hitomi-chan, who is trying to blackmail him with evidence of the "non-intimate" highlights in his relationship with Rukia.
"We're just friends!" he wails, pulling on his hair and causing it to come loose of its ponytail. Hormonal fan-girls cry at the tortured sight. Kisuke chuckles with glee, enjoying the scene the 6th division lieutenant is making. I just begin gnawing on the Kaien-shaped chocolate Anime-kisses has given me.
Hitomi-chan: "Continuing my bid for Starrk: Along with the previous offers I'll give u an automatic junk food maker which works through voice control and gives out an unlimited amount of pizza, burgers, fries, etc., a music player with soft, soothing music which will help u to get to sleep, a 100 inch LCD and 1000s of robot servants to work at ur bidding. Saria19, GIVE STARRK BACK RIGHT NOW!"
Kisuke shrinks away in alarm. I pause from chewing on my chocolate.
"Wow. Hostile, much?" I murmur, eyes wide.
"For Kokuto: I felt kinda bad to see u didn't have any bids (well, u were quite a git in the movie)."
Kokuto twitches, a vein throbbing at his temple. "Well, if you were in Hell, what would your reaction be?" he counters.
"True that," I say, and go back to devouring my treat.
"But looking at ur present behaviour, maybe u have rehabilitated?"
"I wouldn't bet on it," Renji mutters under his breath, still very ruffled. His fan-girls paw at the edge of the stage, crooning at him. "And anyway, he tried to kill me! Why would you want anything to do with him?"
"Stop whining," Urahara chides. Renji glowers.
"So as a bid, I simply offer a normal life to u- house with all amenities, sufficient money, etc., to be able to start ur life anew. How about it?"
Kokuto tightens up.
"Mm."
That one unintelligible sound is all he makes. He goes back to walking up and down the stage.
"For Urahara: I'll help u in ur business by investing my billions of kan in it, help u open ur own franchise of Urahara clothes, I'll give u a book "How Successful Shinigami Became More Successful", I offer my cosmetic and designer clothes franchise to Benihime-san, I'll arrange for u to get a contract for building unlimited secret underground training spaces legally and 1000s of robotic servants to help u at work, at Urahara Shoten."
Geta-boshi perks up. "Very interesting. You know, I have been meaning to expand my business," he tells her. "It could definitely work."
the ultimate kh fan: "I will free Kokuto from hell and train him to become even stronger to prevent him from going back down into hell for the rest of time."
Everyone falls silent, waiting for a response. I polish off the rest of my chocolate and look over at Kokuto, who has finally passed out on Renji's recliner from all the excitement.
"Hey! That's mine!" Renji shouts, arms pinwheeling as a fangirl grabs his leg and tries to pull him off stage.
Chad goes over and grabs Renji by the wrist, picking him and the clinging fangirl up into the air.
Others squeal with delight, wanting to hitch a ride.
"HEY, NO! NO! HAHAHAH! GET OFF, THAT TICKLES!" Renji squirms as the fangirl sticking to his leg launches a tickle attack.
I yawn, ignoring the madness going on, and go over to lie down with Kokuto.
"Until next chapter," I breathe, waving.
To be continued...
A/N: Next chapter, Starrk will be coming back and his owner will be announced. Couldn't do it this chappy with the pass still being in effect. :) Hope you had fun with him, Saria.
Anime-kisses, now you can kiss Starrk. ;)
To keep up the suspense, Chad has been introduced and he is now available for auction. Bids are no longer being accepted for Starrk as I have chosen his owner, but Chad, Urahara, Renji and Kokuto are all available and free to be bidded on.
Tea: no you can't kidnap Kisuke or Kokuto. lol. All hell would break loose. Feel free to bid, though.
To the rest of my readers, thank you for your support. Kevvy is back and things are now on full throttle. I eagerly await your bids. :}