Neon Douche - I'm really sorry you feel that way, but I thought I would try it on this site as it did very well when I posted it originally on the official boards. I'm sorry you haven't enjoyed it as much as I hoped, but thank you for reading anyway.
xxPUDDxx - yeah Tom was sleeping, nothing too bad there! :)
245 Toms POV
"Tom, its Monday, we need to check each other." Danny sighed, finishing his last mouthful of cereal as I winced. I hated the Monday scar check, I didn't like people looking at my arms. Thats why I refused to let anyone but Danny look at my arms, at least he half understood. "yeah, I know." I let myself be taken to a room on the other side of the bus, away from Dougies innocent eyes. He had almost fainted the one time he accidently walked in on our checking, and he hadn't looked well for the rest of the day, so we had to hide away from him, while Harry distracted him so he didn't freak out.
We settled down in another seating area, far away from innocent minds. "I'll go first." Danny rolled up his right sleeve, then his left, showing me healing scars, no fresh ones. In turn, I rolled up my sleeves, showing clean arms too, thanking god that only arms were checked. No-one knew about my thighs, that were now being heavily covered in cuts, and no-one knew about my cold showers, or eating out of the bin. They just thought that I didn't eat, I did, I just didn't eat whole meals, I ate leftovers and scraps. "well done Tommy, you're doing really well, I'm proud of you." Danny smiled, I winced again. If he knew the things I was doing, he wouldn't be so proud anymore, I can tell you. He was doing so well at stopping, so, so well, there was no signs that the urge to tear his skin to shreds was even effecting Danny in anyway. He deserved all the rewards he was getting, he had earned them, I didn't deserve them though, I had just transferred the place where I cut, and thats it. People just believed I was stopping and managing, I wasn't going to tell them the truth either, I needed this self harm, I wouldn't survive without it, no-one could understand that. I just needed this, so I could feel the release, feel the punishment for my wrong doings, so I could feel something that was real. Nothing felt real around me, the cutting did, it helped to keep me from floating into fantasy land, which is what I needed the most.
"so what do you want to do for this weeks reward? Or do you want to save it up until the end of the tour so we can do something big?" Danny asked, grinning proudly at me. He was so happy that there were no new scars on our arms, guilt rose up inside me to know that I was lying to him, making him think that I was trying to stop. I had been forced into trying to stop, and the only reason why I was now hiding where I cut and what else I did to myself was because if I didn't, Danny wouldn't get his reward. He needed this reward, he was working so hard, making it look easy, if I didn't fall in line too, then he wouldn't get his reward. I couldn't stop him getting his reward, that he deserved so much more than I did. "I don't know. Do what you want to do, its your reward." I shrugged in answer to his question, I couldn't even look at our joined hands, knowing how many lies were surrounding this relationship.
"no, its our reward, we're both getting there, its been 3 weeks since either of us cut. Thats a milestone, we both need to be rewarded for it, not just me. You're trying so hard too, and I know its tough, but, we'll get there, I know we will." Danny encouraged, I held back my wince this time. I had to sit here and act like I was trying, when I really wasn't, I was too weak to try, I was in need of the pain, the controlling pain.
"yeah, you'll get there, I'm sure." I whispered, I knew that Danny would manage it, he had the strength to do it, there was no way he wouldn't manage it. "we'll get there Tommy, we will." Danny ran a hand over my face, I pulled away just as Harry came in, he also checked our arms, in case we were lying out of shame. "we're all good this week again!" Danny beamed the second he came in, making the drummer smile too. "thats good, Doug was getting really worried, cause its the first week of tour and stuff. Took me ages to get him to sit down and to fully concentrate on David Attenborough." Harry joked half heartedly, trying to cover just how badly our self harming was worrying little Dougie. "well, we can tell him good news again this week, look." Danny happily showed Harry his 'clean' arms, so I showed him mine too, fooling him into believing I was clean too.
"good job guys, how about you tell him this week the good news, he'll freak." Harry smiled, he was right. Dougie ended up grinning like an idiot and hugging us both so tightly when we told him, he seemed so happy to find out we were clean for the third week in a row. Guilt again gnawed on my insides, knowing that it wasn't true, I didn't deserve that happiness to be directed at me. I sighed, why was it just so difficult to block out the hurt I felt, and why couldn't I just be more like Danny, who was finding this so easy? He was so strong at managing this, I was so weak compared, unable to manage a single day passing without having to tear my skin open. Something always triggered me off, like playing a bad show (I did that every night, I was awful at playing, though the others seemed intent on telling me otherwise), or I was forced into eating a normal bit of food, so we could get rid of the bruises. Those types of things always triggered that ache inside, the monster inside my head always whispering in my ear to do it, I couldn't even control myself anymore. I picked up sharp objects and the monster took over, making me press the sharp end to my thigh and press until the blood came out. It controlled me, it was always there, whispering in the darkness. I managed to hide it while we were in public, but everywhere else, I just couldn't stop it at all.
246 Dannys POV
I was acting like this was easy, but in actual fact, it was so hard to resist the urge to rip my arms to shreds. It was all I wanted to do, rip my arms to shreds, get rid of all these mistakes playing on my mind, get rid of all these feelings of worry and fear over Tom. He still so ill, but he was getting better, it had been 3 weeks since he had last cut, I had to stay strong for him, if I relapsed, he would too. I couldn't let another line be cut into his already marked skin, it would undo the last 3 weeks work, so I had to keep on going, had to keep on trying to ignore the urge to tear my arms open, and focus on Tom, and keeping him on the right track. Who knew it would be this difficult to just stop cold turkey like this? It was easily the hardest thing I had ever done.
"well we can't do much on the bus, so I guess we could save the reward until after tour." Harry shrugged as Dougie and the rest of us tried to come up with a reward. When I say the rest of us, I mean me, Tom was staying quiet, like he still felt extremely guilty for something. "yeah, I'm alright with that. What about you Tommy, alright with leaving it until after the tour?" I nodded, leaning my head on his bony little shoulder, wanting a cuddle. "yeah, I'm alright with that." Tom also nodded, fiddling with his fingers instead of putting his arm around me, which was what I really wanted.
"awesome, we'll sort out a day trip out or something together as a reward. Now I say we just cuddle for a while, I'm tired." I wrapped my arms around Toms skinny body and pulled him closer, wanting to feel his warmth against me, his arms around my shoulders. I always felt better while we were hugging, like when I was in Toms arms, even now when he was still really ill, nothing could go wrong. Mostly now because he was in my arms so he couldn't cause any harm to himself, and because I couldn't either, and because it felt like we were actually a couple for once, which was all I wanted.
I managed to hold Tom in my arms for a few hours, until we got settled in the next venue, we were in Manchester now, the arena was an old favourite, the Apollo. It was small venue, but still very fun to play, so I was looking forward to the show later on tonight. To my pleasure, I got to keep my arms around Tom until sound check, I still got him writhing a little, trying to create a little space between us, but mostly got to keep Tom in my arms until sound check. While he was in my arms, even when he fought for a little space between our bodies, I felt whole, like I didn't need to cause harm to myself, I wasn't worried, or scared for him, I forgot everything around me. All that mattered was Tom, and that he was safe in my arms, finally learning that it was okay to be held for the day.