xxPUDDxx - haha, she's based on my favourite singer at the time i was writing this! xD
249 Toms POV
I was shocked when I woke up to see Danny laying with me, leaning on my chest, cuddled right up to me. He was sleeping, smiling softly in my arms, I hadn't even realised I had fallen asleep in the first place myself. I didn't even remember cuddling up with Danny after sound check, I swear I was just in here by myself, practising. I didn't really mind actually, it was quite comfy like this, and relaxed, I quite liked it, it reminded me of old times. The old times where me and Danny would just cuddle on the sofa and watch a film together, not even caring about anything, then falling asleep together. So, I made the decision to stay where I was, not try to get out of this hold yet, even though I didn't really deserve it. I had been feeling horrible for the past couple of days, with so much guilt and everything else, I just wanted to feel okay and maybe a little bit happy without hearing voices in my head telling I didn't deserve this, that I couldn't be here, I wasn't worthy.
I managed to lay still for half an hour, before I heard movement outside the door. "goodbye, it was nice talking to you." A female, Canadian, I think, voice said. "you too Avril." I heard Harry reply. "yeah, bye, er, where did..." Dougie trailed off, Harry laughed. "he wants to know where you got your hoodie from, Dougs obsessed with pirates you see." Harry laughed, Dougie squeaked, so I guessed he got a teasing poke in the side. "yeah, and your jeans, they're awesome." Dougie spoke up, he sounded awkward again, just like he was around new people. "I'll write the website address down for you, they've got some awesome stuff on there." The girl called Avril answered with another small laugh, there was a pause. "thanks." Dougie mumbled, I was guessing he was blushing by now. "yeah thanks, he would have bugged me about that all year if he hadn't found out." Harry joked, final goodbyes were said and footsteps were heard, before there was another squeak, this time it was defiantly Harry.
"oi! Don't poke me, its not nice!" Harry giggled, there was a play fight about to erupt, I could tell. "you poke me all the time though! So you can't say that!" Dougie shot back, giggling madly. "yes I can! I'm older than you, respect your elders!" Harry burst out laughing, he loved that come back. "by two years! Actually, its not even that!" Dougie squeaked in a very high pitch voice. "shhh! You'll wake up the others! And I'm still older than you, so ha!" Harry giggled, then there was footsteps running away, and another set chasing after him. "noisy little buggers." Danny made me jump by grumbling, looking up at me, I leapt away from him, realising his view of my chin from that angle was awful.
"sorry, didn't mean to scare you. Did you get woken up by those two or was it just me?" Danny sat up, rubbing his head. "I, er, them." I answered, standing up quickly, straightening my clothes. "ah good, glad I'm not the only one." Danny smiled, getting up and stretching, before wrapping me back into his arms. "why are you hugging me?" I asked, hadn't he had enough of cuddling yet? "cause I want to, hugging you is my favourite thing to do...please hug back." Danny nuzzled into my neck, I bit back a cringe, hesitantly putting my hands on his arms, feeling his scars. "they're old Tommy, nothing new, promise." He whispered as I shuddered, rubbing my back. "I know. I'm proud." I whispered, letting some of my feelings known about my...lover? were we even lovers, I didn't even know. We had a rule on tour to keep our 'relationship' low key so no-one found out, though that wasn't exactly happening, with our on stage hugs and kisses.
"thanks, I'm proud of you too. You are doing so well." Danny smiled, kissing my cheek, he tried to get to my lips, I turned my head just in time, ignoring his sigh. "I wish you would just kiss me, and look me in the eye. Why can't you?" Danny sighed, his smile dropping. "I don't know, its just, I can't do it." I lied, I knew exactly why I couldn't look people in the eye, or kiss Danny. It felt wrong, like I was invading on his personal space, where I shouldn't be invading. "try, for me. Please, try." Danny whispered, leaning closer, I leant back. "don't, just don't, its not like I don't want a kiss, I do, but, I can't." I pulled away from his arms, feeling like I was really invading his personal space like this.
"oh baby, come here. We'll work on it, alright? We'll work on it, like we are with the food thing." Danny sighed, I shuddered again, the whole 'food thing' was going 'brilliantly'. The bruises were disappearing now, and I was becoming stronger, because I was actually eating now, which to be honest, I really didn't want. The food I ate was both delicious and disgusting at the same time, everything I ate tasted amazing because of my lack of knowing anything other than stale, mouldy and half eaten left over food. But it was disgusting me to eat it, I didn't deserve that stuff, it was causing me to punish myself more, my showers were even colder, I cut even more, I threw up whatever I ate, which made me feel even guiltier because people believed that I was getting 'better' when I really wasn't, which started the whole guilt trip cycle all over again.
Arms came around my waist again and pulled me backwards into Dannys body, not stopping all these thoughts about all the things everyone thought I was getting better at. I felt ashamed of my lying again, I didn't deserve such great company right now. "we'll get better Tommy, promise. And you can always lean back on me, I'll catch you if you fall." Danny smiled, pressing kisses over my shoulder and up my neck. "don't kiss me. Get off." I wriggled out of his arms, not wanting this at all. Not right now anyway. "why?" Danny followed me. "I want to be alone, leave me alone. Its almost show time." I lied, we had 3 hours yet, and my skin was crying out for the razor blade. Kick him out now, get him out, then cut away at your legs, where no-one can see. You pathetic boy. A voice encouraged, I hated that voice.
"I can stay if you want, I can get changed later if you want me to stay." Danny sounded hurt, he is not hurt, get him out now and go punish yourself, do it NOW. "I want you to go, I need time, to prepare. Nothings changed from yesterday, I need time to myself." I shook my head, leaning on the wall, fisting my hands so they didn't start twitching. "okay, we're only next door if you need us, you know that, right?" Danny sighed, putting his hand on my shoulder. "yeah, I know. I'll see you at show time, okay?" I replied, shrugging off his hand. "okay, see you later. I love you Tommy." Danny kissed my cheek before leaving me on my own in my dressing room, when the monster inside took over and cut 4 lines into my leg, making me feel dizzy and light headed, the room almost spun. He only let me go so I could get dressed, and prepare myself the show, whispering the whole time in the back of my head that it was pointless, I was worthless and I wasn't going to be able to perform a good show again, and he would be back to punish me later on.