After the massacre of last chapter, Aaroniero's life had been restored to him by my almighty powers, but the maiming of his body had put a damper on his mood. Now whenever he answers a question, he does so with a sour note in his voice- crossed arms or clenched fists are optional.
The blackening cloud hovering over his head certainly isn't helped by the knowledge that Sakuya took a bite out of him while he was dead. Because, and quote, "'Sakuya has eaten squid before...it's nummy!'" Not that her getting by security was just an accident. I had fully consented to the eating of the Noveno.
But while Aaroniero does in one part resemble a squid, it didn't help his reputation at all that Sakuya had fueled his haters' with new verbal ammunition at said squid comment. Now they bombarded him with derisive tentacle and/or octopus remarks on top of the older, overused insults: Tank-face, Lava Lamp, or, worse yet, That Guy with a Tentacle Fetish.
To make matters worse, Aaroniero's skin was on fire because of the salt Sakuya had seasoned him with and now he was breaking out in a rash.
"I don't think there's a cure for that," I point out solemnly, after a brief examination.
Aaroniero gives me a blank look. "You make it sound terminal!" the soprano explodes.
I shrug indifferently. "Well you know what happens when you pour salt on a slug. It dies."
"DO I LOOK LIKE A SLUG TO YOU?"
"No." And then, after a moment's pause, "You're much, much uglier."
Aaroniero screams, his two skeletal faces distorted with rage. He rips a plastic lawn chair out from under Tesla, dumping him onto the floor, and throws it at me. I sidestep the projectile object, and it slams into Szayel as he makes a graceful entrance from behind the stage curtains.
Both the Octova and the chair disappear from view behind the velvet drape, and many fragile stage props can be heard shattering. I blink slowly as Szyael shrieks girlishly, then there's a whole lot of crashing about and a long tearing sound as the curtain splits down the middle, perforated by some type of spear prop that had fallen backstage. A vein visibly throbs at my temple.
"WHAT...THE...TACO!" I wind up for the pitch and hurl the Taco of Love at Aaroniero. It zeros in on him like a heat-seeking missile...and bounces right off his glass tank, landing with a dull thud on the floor.
Aaroniero stares at it. Then chibi Grimmjow and Ulquiorra fly out of it and start mauling him to death.
"Ooow...Ow." Szayel groans as he trips out from backstage, covered in pieces of styrofoam.
The encounter with the chair had left him with no serious injuries except for some light cuts and bruises.
Which was a miracle considering all the sharp objects laying around backstage.
Regaining his composure, Szayel brushes his uniform off and smooths his expression out into the usual tedium. His brow furrows slightly as he hears Aaroniero's caterwauling, but when he sees the dismemberment taking place, he immediately loses interest. With Kevvy around, madness such as this ceases to surprise much anymore. But her little followers seem to love it.
In fact, they cheer on the gruesome spectacle as it occurs.
Szayel casually flips his hair over his shoulder, serenely closes his eyes, and turns around to make his exit, only to run into Moshigami.
"Yep, Szayel. I'm insulting you. BAHAHAHAHAHA! Have this random toad..."
Szayel yelps as said toad is tossed at him, dodging it by mere inches. He shudders, wearily eyeballing the foal creature as it croaks and hops off.
"...A Yylfordt zombie, my flying octopus, err...my evil electric guiatar that is actually a gate to hell..." Szayel throws his hands up. "Oh no. I've seen quite enough of Hell, and I do not wish to have a repeat tour"
"...err...that's it. And no, I am not a stalker. I bet my can of paint on it!"
Still reeling from the Gate to Hell offer, Szayel doesn't have time to dodge Moshigami as a can of paint is poured on him. He screams bloody murder as his perfection is defiled.
Moshigami doesn't waste in any time in spinning over to Tesla. "Tesla, have this random anti-shinigami lawnmower I found!" Tesla blinks at the odd contraption that is placed in front of him. "Oh. Thank you," he utters, bewildered and more than a bit disturbed. Common courtesy demanded he say nothing more, because he was afraid if he opened his mouth, something negative would come out.
Not even taking into account the fact that by the love of Aizen's mullet it was a lawnmower, he would look like a total ass riding out into battle on it. But he wouldn't say that. He just kept his silence.
"AAAAARONIIIIIEROOOOO! You poor thing! I'll take you away from Kevvy-chan, don't worry..."
"His corpse declines to comment," I say, catching only glimpses of Aaroniero's body as the medivac team rushes him off to be regenerated.
Moshigami then tosses me some photos of Kaien, and my eyes start sparkling as they float through the air. I leap into action instantly, snatching one pic in midair and executing a mastery of somersaults and rolls to retrieve the others.
One bidder who's there at the Auction to troll for souvenirs to pawn on eBay spots a stray photo on the edge of the stage.
Our eyes meet. We both lunge. But instead of going for the pic, I launch myself at the troller and savagely tackle him, flinging him down onto the floor. The man trembles as he hurriedly withdraws a piece of paper from his pocket.
"No wait!" he pleads, and I stop. "Please! We can negotiate a trade! I have here a coupon for Bed, Bath & Beyond!" For 5 dollars, it read, and the coupon had expired yesterday. I look at him, deadpan. "Or...I could just...go." Sweat-dropping, he crawls away as fast as he can on hands and knees.
I go to claim my photo. "You are awesoooooome, Kevvy-chan!"
"You're so awesome, too, Moshi," I croon, drooling over the new additions to my Kaien scrapbook.
Meanwhile, MehLikey makes her well-timed entrance just as Szayel dashes like crazy across the stage to avoid Moshigami's flying octopus. "Actually, no. I'm not going to resign myself to the audience."
MehLikey wags her finger at Szayel, who's head is now engulfed by the octopus's slimy tentacles. His arms pinwheel as he wrestles with the sea creature, his muffled shouts for help going unheeded.
His harem of fangirls had gone out to get a throne of cushions at his behest, so they aren't here to aid him.
"I am becoming Kevvy-sans self-proclaimed assistant slash bodyguard."
"Eh?" I gape, slack-jawed, as MehLikey gets down onto her knees and looks up at me.
"I even have back-up." She waves her trusty phone in the air. "Though, Hitsugaya-taichou probably isn't free." MehLikey stands up and shoots and a warning glare at a fangirl trying to snatch the connection to her beloved Shiro-chan for herself.
"Kevvy-san! I am now here to assist! Use me for bodyguard duties, or holding large stacks of paper, whatever! I am here to make your life easier and make you realize you don't need Kisuke to have such a good time." MehLikey throws some scorched almonds in the air.
A few people in the audience cry out angrily as they get pelted.
"TADA!" A particularly large almond knocks Szayel out just as he's freed himself from the octopus's entanglement. MehLikey whoops and takes her place to me, folding her arms.
I beam and glomp her. "Yay! I have a bodyguard!" I cheer. "Don't worry, I won't make you carry large stacks of paper, MehLikey." I get close and whisper. "That's what Szayel's for."
My crew enters through a side door in the auditorium, wheeling Aaroniero in on a wheelchair. He bats their hands away irritably when they try to assist him, and rises to his feet, stalking over back up on stage.
He pointedly ignores me, and goes over to his personal chair, which had been vandalized in his absence. Someone had scrawled in Sharpi, "Lave Lamp" on the seat. He kicks it over.
Moshigami comes over to give him an awkward hug. Considering how downright evil he looks, it's hard to tell whether he's moved, surprised, or annoyed. At least he doesn't try to cause her bodily harm.
"You can get away from all these eejits soon, da."
"I wish," he grumbles.
"I bid unlimited tank replacements (who knows what can happen), Rukia-Yammy-metal-Ichigo-and Aizen proof fluid additive and the ultimate book on impersonation!"
"Are you trying to imply that I'm bad at impersonation?"
"I also bid a dark planet so you can go about your fish-ly duties. Wait, make that OVER 9000!"
"WHAT IS WITH ALL THE FISH PUNS?" he howls. He looks ready to tear his hair out with rage. If only he had any...Pfft.
"Szayel, I also bid an even bigger league of servants than fangirls, a membership card for the Awesome Scientist Club (number 8), and a throne even bigger and better than Aizen's. Also, I have this random castle to put over your lab (can't be too careful now)."
I look over at Szayel's prone form. "I'll pass it on once he wakes up. But I'm sure with his inflated ego he'll appreciate the oversized throne," I tell her.
Moshigami goes to compliment Tesla on what a great underdog he is...and give him an Underdog club membership card. He modestly accepts her bid, and they talk a moment before parting.
"Kevvy-chan, have this (unlimited) free pass to the underworld. Kaien's on the first door to the right."
I explode. "OH MY GAWD! WHAT'S KAIEN DOING IN THE UNDERWORLD?!" I flail. "NOOOOOO!"
I faint. Everyone stares. Uryu strides out from backstage and halts when he sees how quiet everyone is.
"What happened?" he asks.
"CONGRATS, MOSHIGAMI, YOU'VE WON TESLA LINDACRUZ!" a voice booms.
Everyone looks around wildly.
"Where'd that voice come from?" someone asks.
To be continued...
Many congrats to Moshigami for winning Tesla. Next chapter, Uryu Ishida, Szayel Aporro Grantz and Aaroniero Arruruerie will be on Auction. Place your offers now while you still can. :)
Thanks to MehLikey for sticking around and being my bodyguard. ;) I need all the help I can get.
Until next time...
Aaroniero sighs, left all to himself in the auditorium. He'd only had one person bid on him...How depressing. And he was so much cooler than Szayel. Or at least, in his mind, he was.
Well...if there was one upside to being alone and having two heads...it was that he could play checkers with himself.