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H5O* H5O* H5O* H5O* H5O*

"People will walk in and walk out of your life,

but the one whose footstep made a long lasting impression

is the one you should never allow to walk out."

― Michael Bassey Johnson

Chapter Sixteen: No Kau a Kau ~ For Eternity

Kono was standing at the water's edge, her bare feet just dampened by the occasional suds of foam which hissed up to cover her toes. She was staring at the horizon and looked as if she were contemplating the surfing conditions. In reality, she had only one thing on her mind and that thought would have startled any single member of her team. The only person it hadn't alarmed was Doctor Carla Santiago, duly appointed law enforcement psychologist, who seemed to anticipated the question when it emanated without warning from her client's mouth.

"Am I good cop? Because I sure as hell don't seem to have the instincts."

The damaging thought had only recently settled in her brain to test her with its meanness. Doctor Santiago had easily disputed Kono's very negative knee-jerk reaction to the self-imposed question with a wisdom which Kono appreciated, but still doubted. At least ... sometimes like that very afternoon with her team ranged comfortably behind her on the lanai. She was at a terrible crossroads now that Topher was dead and buried. She had meant to sweep him away as if he'd never existed, but he'd left a mark on her very soul. She felt responsible for his actions in an odd sort of way, something which Carla seemed to understand with a breezy air of acceptance

"Of course you feel that you're responsible," Carla had said. "It's quite natural. You're looking for the rational in the irrational though, because the reality is, that he could have chosen anyone. You represented something to him - like a trophy. That truth relieves you of any responsibility when it comes to who - and then what - Cristo Reed was."

The advice was sound. Kono knew that and even understood it from her studies at the police academy. Experiencing what she had first-hand though was entirely something else again. So, she found herself visiting a dour place where her doubt in herself grew in its intensity since she hadn't seen him coming; even when the one-time stranger had been pointed out veritably under her very nose. Rationalizing her lack of responsibility for making the man who he was, didn't exactly work when it came to those other expected actions deemed police-worthy in her mind. That very lack of action had nearly killed one of her dearest friends which made demeaned herself in her own eyes even more.

"Damn it," Kono muttered bitterly before digging into the wet sand with her toes. She was standing on Steve's beach feeling three pairs of eyes boring into her back. Danny being one of those who remained concerned about her welfare and she felt herself prickle angrily about that well intentioned, but quite unearned, consideration. She scowled when she felt Steve wander up to stand by her side.

"Which one sent you?" She asked resentfully. "Chin or Danny?"

"Neither," Steve remarked just as curtly, though a tolerant smile played across his lips. He purposefully bumped into her shoulder before drawling out an entirely contrived explanation. "We drew straws and I lost."

"Nice," Kono murmured sarcastically, managing to smile just enough before she lost the short flare of humor. She might never have actual proof, she suspected that Steve had been sent to check on her by Danny. Her attempt at sucking in a deep breath to settle her mind failed, as her throat contracted painfully.

"He got hurt because of me," she voiced more loudly to conquer a tearful cracking sound. While no one on her team had heard her latest internal doubts, they all had heard this particular complaint time and again. She expressed herself with even more animosity when he peered quizzically into her face, staring back at him with a black look as if daring him to say otherwise. "Why did I refuse to listen to him? He could have been killed and I totally blew him off time and again."

"Is that what you're thinking about?" Steve asked, gently. "Let it go, Kono. Or at least learn from what happened; use it and stow that usefulness in your mind. Anything else should be purged and thrown away. Danny's going to be fine and he doesn't blame you at all."

"He should," Kono remarked bitterly. She shook her head as her thoughts careened carelessly back to what she desperately had begun to worry about regardless of Carla's wise advice. When it came to Danny, she felt guilty and that boiled down to questioning if she really was a good police officer.

"Was she a good cop? Was she too blind in reading people to be of any value to a partner?" The mental threats nearly suffocated her as they took away her ability to let anything go or even reason out that they were untrue. Kono frowned as Steve blithely altered the subject to derail her musings to something which Danny had been focused on before her solo trip down to stand at the water's edge: surfing.

"He only wants to surf again. Who ever would have thought that Danny would surf ... or even be so good at it?" Steve added conversationally, a pleased smile tugging at his lips. He paused to pull a long swallow from the bottle of beer which he'd carried down to the beach. Danny would be sidelined for weeks. In reality, it would be months before he'd be permitted to even try to stand on a board for fear of injury to his head. But his friend was adamant about one thing: he did want to resume surfing to placate his bruised ego as soon as his phalanx of physicians permitted it. "He's been complaining about that busted board for days and doesn't want advice from any of us. You're going to have to help him out. Only you will do and he wants to go surfing as soon as he's been cleared."

"Why? I don't know why anyone would want anything from me," Kono groused softly under her breath, realizing her mistake as soon as the words left her mouth. Without needing to look at his face, she felt Steve stiffen in surprise. He was too damned smart for his own good and she could almost feel the wheels clicking into place with a startling rapidity. Then, Steve had the absolute audacity to speak her secret out loud and she felt herself redden in embarrassment.

"Doubting or blaming yourself in any capacity is completely unacceptable," Steve ground out more harshly than he intended. He backpedaled quickly, forcing his voice to alter entirely down to a low tonal hum, just above that of a whisper so no one else might overhear him. "There are two distinct things wrong with that, Kono. One, you are a valuable member of my team. My team that needs you for what you have always possessed and contributed. And two, do not let that bastard win especially since he's not even on this earth anymore. He wasn't worth the air you breathed."

"But that's why Topher did what he did ...," she started to almost defend her abductor, turning to face Steve with tears in her eyes as he called out what she thought had been her private untold secrets despite having Doctor Santiago's confidence. She thought he was done and she opened her mouth as if to argue her case once more, but he grabbed her shoulders to give her a stern shake. He was undeniably annoyed and his testy expression stalled every single word she might have tried to say.

"No, you're entirely wrong. Cristo Reed always was what he was; it doesn't really have much to do with you at all. So, don't let what happened change who you are, Kono," Steve hissed out the challenge using nearly the same words as Doctor Carla Santiago. However, his anger suddenly carried that message with much more weight. "Besides, Danny isn't supposed to get stressed and if he even thinks you're going down this ridiculous path of blame and doubt, he's going to blow a gasket. No matter what I say, that fact alone should tell you something."

The truth of how they all needed to manage Danny's fragile recovery made her visually cringe as she absorbed Steve's quiet anger. "God, don't even say that," Kono whispered, turning fully around to look at Danny where he stood on the lanai near Chin. He was blatantly staring back at her without apology. She unconsciously raked her fingers through her hair when she saw the traced buzz-cut along his scalp-line where the staples had just been removed. Ten days at elapsed since his release from the hospital. The sling was gone, his shoulder was healing and virtually all of his external bruises had healed. However, there were still major considerations in achieving a full recovery.

"It's been more than a week," Kono said worriedly. She sighed deeply, dropping her eyes from Danny's face to look up towards Steve. "His reports are decent, I know. But it's everything else we can't see."

"Fratelli has stressed repeatedly that he can't afford to get his blood pressure or heart rate up," Steve whispered, the level of his voice dropping considerably now and losing a great deal of its heat. His worry for both Kono and his partner ramped up to an almost palpable level. "Ramirez weighed in, too, and Danny simply has to stay on an even keel until all the doctors feel he's healed."

"He can't surf for months," Kono added. The doctors had forbidden their recovering patient to do anything but gentle, slow walks on flat unchallenging surfaces. Their restrictions were extreme and already a problem for Danny and his inherent nature to be active. Making matters worse, his larger than life personality would also provide the potential for more unfortunate issues like migraines and major setbacks in his convalescence. He would chafe as he felt better, yet still be denied the freedom to be as fully active as he thought he should be.

"Keeping him quiet now is hard enough," Steve said, stating the obvious. His offer to have Danny stay with him had been rejected just three days earlier once the staples had been removed from his friend's surgical site. Demanding space and privacy, Danny was back at his own house much to the entire team's varying levels of concern. "Keeping him stress-free for what's going to amount to many long weeks may be darn near impossible. He's going to go stir crazy first and then insist on visiting the office. One thing's going to lead to another ..."

"... and escalate," Kono finished the thought for Steve. Danny was banned from the office for the current foreseeable future, with light desk duty something Doctor Fratelli wouldn't even yet discuss. But he was already short-tempered at his poor level of stamina, limits placed on his activity, compounded by his body's need for daily naps.

"I'm not belittling your feelings," Steve suddenly whispered. He edged closer so that the could drape his arm over her shoulders. "What you're feeling is valid. I just want you to know that you're good at what you do. If you weren't, then you wouldn't be here. Not now, not ever."

"Thanks, boss," Kono said gratefully, glancing up at Steve with a wry grin. Once again, his words nearly mimicked those of Carla Santiago and she had to smile at the similarities which prompted an immediate understanding about being willing to listen. The soft noise she made to herself proved another thing and she literally rolled her eyes skywards because of her latest lapse.

"I guess I need to start now. With all this sage advice, I guess it's time I'd better listen to someone then, right?" She added the comment surreptitiously and entirely for her own benefit as Steve raised an inquiring eyebrow. He and Doctor Santiago were both right. She was wasting her time dwelling and needed to learn, but also move on to those things that mattered. With a rueful sounding puff of air, she considered the ocean again from a much different place inside her heart.

"Broken surfboards," Kono muttered thoughtfully. "I wonder." The worst of Danny's injuries hadn't even been surfing related and here she was focusing on the negative where she could be doing something decidedly more useful. Surfing wasn't even to blame for her abduction. She had a one time acquatinace on the North Shore that might be able to help with the broken board. And in helping, maybe she'd find a way to alleviate some of Danny's pending stresses.

Steve waited patiently as Kono's face finally brightened to a more acceptable expression. Whatever Kono had concluded in their brief discussion seemed to have taken her to a happier place, and he was distinctly relieved.

"I know someone that might be able to help us with the board," Kono said. "I trust him to at least tell us if it's worth fixing."

"So? This is good," Steve replied. He permitted the mysterious comment about sage advice and let it go to the wayside, choosing instead to ask about Danny's broken board. Kono seemed suddenly more at ease and he didn't believe that she was covering her feelings up. Each one of them blamed themselves for something in the frightening mess that had been rooted in the sickness which Topher Reid had festered for so many long years. However, none of them wished for the other to feel that way. The balancing act was a delicate one with each worrying about the other on top of attempting to tame their own feelings of self-blame.

"Yeah. I'll look into it right away," Kono confirmed, a reassuring smile sent his way as if reading his mind about herself. His approving grin was genuine as they turned together to return to the lanai. "If it pans out, I'll take Danny out there to meet him."

~ to be continued ~