AN: Wow...Don't know what to say. Sorry for the incredibly long hiatus, guys.
A vein ticks at my temple as the tremendously long line of fangirls in the studio continues to grow. Fistfulls of cash are being waved in the air, people are practically crawling over each other, and Uryu's needlework skills are the focus of all this mayhem. It's like Black Friday.
Of course, it came as no surprise that his creations were in such high demand, but ambushing him was just a big no-no. I guess he thought the fuss would die down if he granted a request or two, but in the past hour, my security detail had broken up five cat-fights and confiscated a pair of Uzis that one fan-girl had used to threaten some poor sucker who had tried to cut in line. Someone was always dropping an f-bomb, and they knew they could get away with it without facing my wrath because it was impossible to find them in such a large crowd.
Uryu's hands work in a dizzying whirlwind of activity as he caters to his next customer. I watch him from the edge of the stage and cross my arms, sighing irritably. It looks like I won't be having any one-on-one time with him until the crowd's done milking him for everything he's got.
Half these trolls will likely hawk the clothes he makes on eBay later. By the end of the day, Uryu's beloved handiwork will be up for grabs on the web.
"This...is soooo boring," Szayel drawls. He dumps himself ceremoniously onto his plush recliner, stretched out like a lazy feline along both arm rests. He slits his eyes at me from across the room, and I regard him with a baleful glare. He sniffs as if in disgust of my presence, but says nothing more.
After cat-fighting back and forth between chapters, we had come to a stalemate with each other.
No matter how much I hurt him, he would defy me by regenerating, gracefully returning, and then neglecting to choose an owner. I was in the hopes that if I didn't bate him and just gave him the cold shoulder, he would move on. Thus far, I'd had no such luck.
As for Aaroniero...Well, he doesn't like me, either. Throughout two chapters, he'd been browbeaten and physically tortured, with only one bid to show for it. It certainly didn't help matters that said bid was humiliating.
After sustaining all those repeated blows to his pride and body, Aaroniero had hidden in the shrouds backstage where his face couldn't spur another attack.
I can't help but feel sorry for the guy now. If people could just get past the shrunken heads and the mass of tentacles where his hand should be, there might be something to love. Maybe...
Bloodyrose64: "Poor Szayel, come with me! I'll make sure no one will ever hurt you again. I'll be a wonderful bodyguard for you too."
Szayel chuckles, his lips curling into a sensuous smirk. He lifts an elegantly gloved hand to slide his glasses up the bridge of his nose.
"Please. It would take a lot more than that for me to need a bodyguard. I'm not so easily beaten," he purrs. "At least not like Aaroniero. He went running with his tail tucked between his legs." He casts a pointed look at the stage curtain.
"Go shove it, Szayel!" the voice retaliates. A flying vase punctuates Aaroniero's words, hurtling out of the shadows. I feel like warning the Octova that the "vase" is a vintage spittoon with certain...remnants still inside it. Instead, I quickly turn my back and tense as I hear the subsequent crash.
"OH MY GAWD! OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD!" Szayel howls. I see him barelling past me, covered in a thick layer of viscous goo. Some of the stuff gets into his eyes and he runs blindly into MehLikey's path.
"Right ho! Time to be a bodyguard! Kevvy-san, what do I do?" My new guard shows off her muscle by roundhouse kicking Szayel, spinning him around so hard he falls off the platform and lands in a crumpled heap at the bottom. "Please, give me an order to follow out. I wanna get started right away! Also, Uryu, may I ask, are you good, or are you bad? 'Cause if you're good, what are you doing with Bach?"
MehLikey punctuates her sentence by throwing a rabid fangirl through the roof. I lean forward, craning my neck to get a good look at the gaping hole in my ceiling. "Hey! A skylight!" I say cheerfully.
"Just what we needed!" A pleased smile crosses my face, and I sit in silent awe of MehLikey's genius for a moment.
Meanwhile, Uryu pauses what he's doing to consider her question. "I don't think I'm ready to go public about my motives..." He goes back to weaving a Chappy-themed dress for Rukia.
"So mysterious," I whisper.
One of my buff construction workers takes off with his crew to discuss making the fangirl-shaped cut-out in my ceiling look more like a skylight. I try to make a smart suggestion before they leave so I'll look like a cool boss, but all I can suggest is glass. Because what would a skylight be without glass? Duh.
MehLikey stands behind me and folds her arms menacingly. I get chills from her dark aura.
Karasu: "For Ishida, I bid a gigantic sewing kit, Kon, my eternal love, and random anime nicknacks I found. I love you, Ishida!"
"Because I've always wanted a perverted talking stuffed animal," Uryu mutters sardonically. "I'd rather stitch its mouth shut." The idea must appeal to him, because the corners of his lips curl pleasantly.
"I heard that!" Kon pipes up, riding on the shoulder of a rather well-endowed fangirl. Typical.
justreading17: "I offer Uryu Ishida a castle with full equipped sewing, training, and studying rooms. The castle also has anti-shinigami sheilds. A way to prove your father wrong about the Quincy: Your grandfather back to life. I can also give you 100 Ichigo clone butlers that you can use in your training.
If you want, I can give some Mayuri and Szayel clones as well. A room full with all weapons and equipment ever made for a Quincy and a library with all your favorite books and other books you may find interesting. And some hot Quincy girls so the Quincy race won't die. That is all I can offer so please think about it."
Ishida tries to disguise his discomfort over the aforementioned hot Quincy girls behind a flurry of basting and hemming. Not that it can hide the flustered color of his face.
He does pique with interest at the mention of his grandfather, but his attention is stolen by an older gentleman asking for a specially tailored suit.
"I would rather not," he says in a clipped tone, "have Mayuri or Szayel near me. In any form."
I nod seriously. "I can't blame you. After all, they did both use you as a pin-cushion."
Uryu's brow twitches. "Is that a pun aimed at my profession?"
I offer a lame shrug. "Maybe..." Uryu looks ready to say something else, when dhunter158 drops into the crowd without warning. I wish I could say from where. Alls I can say is, one minute everything was the same ol', same ol', and then BAM.
"NOT SO FAST! I have a bid on Aaroniero!" I look at dhunter, wide-eyed. While the initial shock sets in, dhunter whips out a vial. "You want out of this, Mr. Niero?"
Aaroniero peeks out from the stage curtain. "Yes!" the high-pitched voice pipes up.
"Use this vial, which will make a potent, toxic gas in a wide range. Everything you don't like can disappear now, as in die, so meal time and power to ya!"
I snap out of my stupor. "ARE YOU TRYING TO GET US ALL KILLED?" I explode. "THE FIRST THING HE'S GOING TO DO WITH THAT IS BLOW THIS PLACE SKY HIGH!"
Some participants of the audience look noticeably disturbed by the thought. Luckily I have a bomb squad handy for just this type of situation, but it would be uncalled for unless Aaroniero goes for it.
I eyeball the velvet curtain the Noveno is hiding behind, and my gaze might as well have burned a hole in it for how intently I stared. But there is nothing. No mad dash of insanity for the vial dhunter is holding. I guess Aaroniero has the good sense to be suspicious.
"Second offer is..." Dhunter pulls out a weird contraption. "...this shadow caster! You work efficiently without sunlight, so you'll fight better outdoors!" There's a pregnant silence. The stage curtain rustles, and Aaroniero steps out, taking the bait.
"Third offer is..." Cue the drumroll. Me and the audience lean forward for a better look. Dhunter dramatically displays a toilet "...this toilet." Aaroniero flat out deadpans, confused. I have to admit, the feeling is mutual. "Let's be honest, you smell, and your release state Glotone "diarrhea" looks like it could use it." I facepalm.
Aaroniero deflates on the spot, expectations crushed. In all my time as a host, I've never seen someone's hopes so utterly and completely destroyed like that. Without a word, he turns his back and disappears backstage.
"Wow... that was cold," I say, for once straight-faced. Poor guy...
"Don't be surprised if you find he's hung himself back there," Szayel chimes. My fists clench.
"Must not...do bodily harm..." I grind my teeth with the effort to think happy thoughts.
"You really should just put him out of his misery." The Octova walks up to me, dusting himself off. "He's just a waste of space." He stops, stares at me. Sees my evil expression. Szayel blanches, and then I proceed to kick him in his fun parts. He folds like an origami crane, gagging and falling over onto the floor with a loud thud.
"That's the least you deserve for all your bad-mouthing," I admonish, pointing an accusing finger at his writhing form.
Moshigami: "Here's 101 ways to kill Quincies, 5600 ways to train, and unlimited sewing supplies."
"Why...would I want to bring on the extinction of my own race? That's counterproductive," Uryu replies, thoroughly perplexed.
"Kevvy-chan now receives: 101 ways to worship Kaien Shiba."
I sigh. "Oh good, because I was about to bust a cap if I didn't start feeling some love in this place."
"I'm going to just appear randomly to creep peeps out now. Farewell...or is it?"
"That's good. I love seeing my readers come back for more." I beam, pleased.
Aaroniero, having silently witnessed my abuse of Szayel from backstage decides to come out and kick him while he's down. Until Sakuya spots him and glomps the Espada's tank head.
"So ya no likey the fish puns? Ok...but Sakuya just has to say this at least once...RELEASE THE KRAKEN!" Aaroniero flails, trying to pry her off him as Sakuya begins nomming on the glass tank, trying to break it. To his relief, she gives up before that happens and glomps me. "The mean Octopus man is scary!" I pat her on the head. "Yes, I know." She points at Uryu, and all eyes turn to him. "Why are you sexy after Ichigo loses his powers?! Why chu no stay creepy stalker nerdy looking?!"
He splutters. "I'm not a stalker!" Sakuya leaps away from me and tackles Uryu.
"Sakuya loves chu!" He buckles under their combined weight...and the general impact of a small person hitting him like a heat-seeking missile. I go over to aid them just in case Sakuya escalates from hugging to strangling.
Meanwhile, Aaroniero seizes his opportunity and walks over to Szayel's prone body. After taking a kick in his fun zone, he'd passed out frothing at the mouth. Just the right opening for Aaroniero to sharpie a unibrow on the mad scientist's perfect face.
To be continued...
CONGRATULATIONS BLOODYROSE64, YOU'VE WON SZAYEL (UNIBROW INCLUDED)! Admittedly, the goods are a bit damaged, but I assure you when he arrives, he'll be restored to perfection. ;)
To all my readers, I extend my heartfelt apologies for my insane hiatus. Just wasn't feeling it for awhile there...But I'm better than ever and back for more!
Coming up next chapter, Aaroniero Arruruerie, Uryu Ishida and BYAKUYA KUCHIKI are up for grabs. All you fangirls and fanboys start the bidding wars for the captain of the 6th division. And have fun :)