xxPUDDxx - same here, i used to ship it romantically, but then Flones and Pudd turned up and stole my heart! now i just see it as a very cute bromance!
256 Dougies POV
I grinned so widely when I woke up, realising that I was still in Toms arms, my plan to practically lay completely on top of him had worked! Last night, after hanging up with Harry, I had made us move again so I was laying on Toms chest, my hands clinging to his tshirt as my legs entangled with his. And, because of that, I didn't have a single nightmare last night! That had been the best nights sleep I had had in weeks! Even though I knew both Tom and Danny were doing so well with stopping cutting, I still had at least 1 nightmare a night over them, thank god I got out of it last night!
"morning!" I whispered, nuzzling down into Toms chest, ignoring how bony he was. I got no reply and realised that Tom was still asleep, so I decided to stay where I was and enjoy the first hug I had had in ages, and enjoy the fact that Tom was peaceful in his sleep, he rarely seemed calm when he was awake. He was always either hyper on stage, or lost in thought, or worrying about something off stage. There were so little rare moments where he did actually seem calm and relaxed, he was always on edge, so I wanted to take a few minutes, maybe an hour or two, to enjoy his relaxed state now.
I actually got another hour and a half of relaxation with my best friend before he woke up, and not in a gradual way either. At first, I had heard a few whimpers and similar noises, thinking that Tom was just waking up, but within minutes, Tom had suddenly sat bolt upright, knocking me off him, heaving in breath. "whoa! What happened?!" I sat up too, carefully putting my arms around Toms body as it started to shake with tears. I knew this position quite well, but I wanted to ask anyway, not wanting Tom to know about my nightmares about him, scared it would make him worse than he already was.
"it doesn't matter." Tom whimpered, hiding his face in his knees. "yeah, it does. What happened in your dream?" I asked, knowing I was awful with cheering people up, but hoping that I could help Tom out a little. "nothing, nothing happened, I'm fine... I need a shower." As quick as a flash, Tom was in the bathroom, the shower already running. I busied myself trying to collect all of our things up, realising that I could hear Tom crying, he sounded like he was trying to muffle it, but to me, it was still clear, he was falling apart in there.
It suddenly occurred to me that this was probably Toms daily routine, we didn't know what he did by himself in his hotel rooms, this could have been it. How he was managing to not self harm was a miracle, I felt a little proud of him for that, to resist the temptation to self harm when he was obviously so upset over whatever was bothering him. It took ages for Tom to actually come out of the shower, there was no visible signs of him crying on his face, instead, there was the usual mask on his face, and all I could do was go over and hug him tight, telling him that I was here for him, he could talk to me.
257 Toms POV
Dougie insisted on hugging me the whole way to the next venue, he refused to let me go, at all. It made me seriously uncomfortable, but I couldn't do anything about it. I didn't have the heart to push him away, he was too small, he looked too sweet to push away, and if Harry found out he would probably kill me. "you really can talk to me, I swear. I won't tell anyone, I want to help you." Dougie whispered, leaning his head on my shoulder, squeezing my hand. "I'm fine Dougie. Really, I'm fine." I promised, though I was lying. I really wasn't fine, my nightmares was killing me, they were getting worse, last nights one had caused another 4 cuts on my thighs. My legs looked like they had been through a war zone, covered in cuts and scars. I was starting to run out of room, I was going to have to go over some old healing scars.
"you can still talk to me. To any of us. Dude, you can talk to any of us." Dougie wriggled impossibly closer, luckily, we drove up to the hotel at that moment, so I jumped out quickly. "Tommy! Aw I missed you so much!" Danny attacked me into a hug seconds later, squeezing me into his arms. "Dougie! How have you been? You have no idea how much I missed you!" Harry picked Dougie up and spun him round, holding him like they hadn't seen each other in months, not 24 hours. "I've been alright, I'm a bit tired though, we didn't go to bed until late! Wanna go to bed with me for a while?" Dougie sent Harry a look I couldn't decipher and together they ran off, disappearing into their hotel room.
"wonder what that was about. Never mind, come on, you have to tell me all about yesterday! I missed you so much!" Danny pulled me into his own hotel room, sitting me onto his bed. I felt awkward sitting here, so I moved away a little, wanting a bit of space. "so, what happened yesterday? I tried texting you, but you never replied!" Danny asked, grabbing my hand, playing with my fingers. "I-I, didn't have any credit." I lied, I hadn't even realised I had had a text, I had been so busy thinking about Dougie kissing my cheek. I felt so guilty for making him kiss me, I didn't mean to make him think he had to kiss me and hug me, just because I had opened a tin can for him. I didn't need to be thanked in any way, I just wanted to feel a little less worthless, like I was useful for something.
"ah, alright. Well, what happened yesterday then? Interviews go well?" Danny leant his head forward, giving me a loving look, smiling a little. "yeah, they were alright." I answered, looking down at my feet. "good, anything else happen? I heard you had the afternoon off, did you have fun?" Danny was talking to me like he was talking to a child, I was not a child! "yeah, we watched TV. It was fun, are we going now?" I answered, wanting out of this conversation. "we have a few hours. We're staying here for a while, while the stage is getting set up. Now come on, talk to me. We haven't had a proper talk in ages! Tell me, properly, about your day, about anything. You look so guilty right now, whats up?" Danny prodded, running a hand down my face, I pulled it away.
I just felt so guilty, it was all my fault that Dougie had kissed my cheek and hugged me all night, I had made him do it, and now I was pretending that nothing had happened again. That was all I seemed to do, lie about everything and pretend that everything was fine, when inside I was falling apart. I couldn't go on like this, feeling so much guilt for every move I made, I made so many mistakes, did so many stupid things. I just wanted to make people happy, and to be perfect, like everyone else, I could never achieve that, ever. All I did was wind people up, or lie to them, if the guys ever found out that I was still cutting, I didn't even want to think about what might have happened. It wasn't like I could stop any time soon either, I felt so guilty for everything I did, how could I just go and stop, all the guilt would back up inside me. I would drown in guilt and depression, I couldn't do that, it was better to get my feelings out in punishment. And right now, I needed to punish myself, for being so stupid and making someone kiss my cheek and hug me all day and night. And to do that to a married man, how could I be so stupid? I needed a punishing for it, though I had already cut more lines into my thighs already, I still needed to punish myself for doing it.
"hey, stop scratching. You'll hurt yourself." Danny grabbed my hands, pulling them away from my arms. "thats kinda the point." I whispered out loud by accident, I hadn't meant to say that! "what? Oh god, have you got some urges coming back?" Danny pulled me into his arms, holding onto my hands tightly so I couldn't scratch or anything. "no, I'm fine." I lied, but let him hold my arms before visible marks came up on them. Danny wouldn't get his reward for not self harming if I scratched open marks on my arms, I wouldn't be able to resist cutting in even more punishment for stopping his well deserved reward. "whatever you say, but just know, I'm not going anywhere, I'll help you through." Danny whispered, pressing a kiss to my hair. If only he could help me through, get rid of the guilt that was starting to drown me, but he couldn't, no-one could help me, I was a lost cause.