Out of the Blue - Chapter 2
He can't seem to make his brain cooperate. It wants to send nothing but static to his mouth, maybe the dreaded "what?" that she hates so much. Nothing else.
She's pregnant. They're having a baby. She's pregnant and they're having a baby.
"Castle, say something."
She's trying to sound light, but he can hear the nervous edge, the trace of shrillness in her request. Oh God, she thinks he's upset; maybe even that he's angry or doesn't want this.
His mouth touches her palm, eyes slipping shut just long enough to picture what their lives could be like over the next few months. All he sees is her belly growing bigger, cheeks fuller, eyes brighter. They're having a baby.
"We're having a baby."
Kate laughs softly, brushing her thumb across his lips. There's only a trace of the nervous crackle in her voice now. "That's generally what being pregnant means, yes."
"Yeah," he breathes, tugging her even closer until her weight settles on his thighs carefully. "Yeah, that's, that is what that means."
"We didn't really … talk about that," she starts, smoothing her hands over his bare shoulders. She touches him as if she expects him to roll away and she needs to memorize every freckle and flaw on his body before he goes. "If you don-"
His head rattles he thrashes it from side to side so hard. "I want this, Kate. I want this with you. I've always wanted this with you. The universe just has a sense of humor in getting us to approach the conversation."
Her breath puffs out shakily, relief making her slump heavier in his lap. Like he'll ever complain about that.
"Okay, okay that's good. That's good." The open-mouthed kiss she presses to his skin makes his fingers tingle with renewed want, but they need to talk more first. To respect the universe. "I want this, too. With you. Just with you."
Clearing her hair off her shoulder, he mimics her kiss in promise.
"Tell me the rest."
"The rest?"
He feels her draw a heart on his collarbone, connecting the smudges that might be freckles from one too many shirtless summer days. He mimics that, too, this time with his mouth as well as his hands.
"So the doctor found out you're pregnant, but how do we get from there to quitting – taking a leave of absence – and coming home? Which, have I mentioned how glad I am to see you? I was going through a serious Beckett withdrawal until you got here."
That makes her smile shyly. "Yeah? You missed me?"
"Missed isn't a strong enough word."
Their mouths collide before he can elaborate. Not that he would've, much. The knowledge that they're having a baby has left him simultaneously verbose and tongue tied. He feels like he has the answers to most of the universe's mysteries on the tip of his tongue, but he can't quite get the words out.
She pulls away with a pop, resting her forehead against his as they both catch their breath. "Same here, Castle. Same here. You have no idea."
"Oh I have some," he promises, folding her into an easy embrace. More hanky panky can wait until later, until they've had their fill of this closeness. "I have some, Kate."
Her breath slides across his throat as she relaxes. He has a feeling she hasn't done much of that in recent weeks.
"So I had my physical last week," she starts again, backtracking to make sure they're both on the same page. "And the doctor called me yesterday and asked me to come in to talk about my test results."
His nod is small against her hair, even as his chest expands with the relief that she hasn't been waiting to tell him. That she came to him probably the same day she found out, instead of sitting on it, worrying, and contemplating alone.
"I couldn't get away from my desk yesterday," she continues. Her hand slides down his arm before curling into his chest. "So that was where I spent my morning today. And once I thought I could make it back to the office without accidentally stepping off a curb at the wrong time, I did that."
The slide of his hand against her back is all the encouragement he needs to give her. Speaking will only break her rhythm and mess with her concentration, so he keeps quiet.
"I had to go straight into a meeting, and it's not exactly something I wanted to just blurt out over the phone, so that's why I didn't you call right then." Her eyes lift to his in promise. He forgets sometimes that, for as easy as he can read her most of the time, she can read him just as easily.
"I know," he assures, offering her a tiny kiss in thanks.
"As I sat in this meeting, this … instructional meeting about the proper conduct in the field, I just kept thinking about being there or not being there for this baby."
"Because of field work? Are you worried about getting hurt? Because, and correct me if I'm wrong, but Stack seemed like a pretty hands-off of the action guy, happy to let us do the work and swoop in after the fact. Is your new job any more dangerous than it would've been when you were with the NYPD?"
Now he manages to get the words out.
She licks her lips. "No, it's… about the same. And Stack's… Stack. I haven't even seen him since I've been there. It's not even about that, about getting hurt, not really."
"It's about not being there, in general?" He tilts his head, tucking an uncooperative piece of hair behind her ear.
"Yeah, pretty much. Do you remember Jordan Shaw? Of course you remember her," she cuts him off quickly. "I kept thinking about her kid, and what she said about missing birthdays and bedtimes and being content with calling home each night when she's on the road. I'm… I love my work, but I sat there today thinking I wouldn't be content with that. With missing my kid'sbirthday to fly across the country for an investigation. Not after… not after spending so long without my mom. I wouldn't want that for them." She sniffs, hiding her face in his neck.
Oh, Kate.
It's hard to get her closer than she already is, but he gives it a shot. One hand settles low on her hip, the other delving into her hair. Even if she isn't crying, he's not going to let her go.
"M'okay," she insists a moment later, her voice muffled against his skin. Even so, he feels her swipe at her eyes. "But that's, that's why I asked for the leave of absence, so I could tell you and have the chance to really think about everything."
"But?"
"But then they said at this point, a leave of absence would have them seriously reconsidering my dedication to the job, and we'd be discussing my future when I got back."
"That's not the same as quitting, though. There is something to go back to." His hand makes careful circles over her hip, each one growing a little wider than the one before until he's sweeping her back gently.
She exhales, tension seeping out of her shoulders slowly. "I guess so. It felt like quitting to me when I said fine and left, though."
His lips curl against her forehead. "But it wasn't, and if the task force is what you want to do, then there has to be a way to make both things work. The baby and the job."
She smiles at the word, he can feel it. Baby. Their baby.
"They won't put me out in the field while I'm pregnant. The doctor made that abundantly clear. It's in-office work only."
"Until he or she is born, then you can requalify for field work, right?"
She nods slowly. "But then we have the question of whether I want to be out in the field, leaving you here to do the hard work without me. How fair is any of that to you? To them? Not that having you is unfair," she assures quickly, popping up to press a firm, sloppy kiss on his mouth before any negative slant to her words can even register. "There's nothing wrong with having just you, Castle, never. But it's not fair to put everything on you that way, is it? Not when I can and want to be there."
He can't help but lean into her hands, to let her gentle fingers bracket his jaw. He's supposed to be comforting her, giving her a pep talk, but her words help him, too. If he's honest with himself, he knows he's never really wished Meredith had stayed; even when doing it alone was tough, it was probably better for Alexis to only have him instead of two unhappy, potentially destructive parents. And by the time he'd married Gina, it was as if Alexis was his and his alone – a fact he's ashamed to admit he'd known long before his ex-wife pointed it out. He doesn't want that for their child, his child with Kate. He wants this baby to have both parents, and both parents to have each other.
"I want that, too, Kate. I do. But I don't… the deal's the same as it was when I proposed. This job's still your shot, and I don't want you to not take it, or not explore it to the fullest, because of us."
For a guy who works with words, it's surprisingly hard to say everything the right way. He can only hope cupping her ear and accompanying his words with a kiss will make up for the fumbling.
"You being happy and feeling fulfilled is just as important to this kid growing up happy as being there every day. So don't think of it like it's an either-or ultimatum, Kate. 'Cause it's not."
She kisses him again, hard, and he knew if he were wearing clothes, she'd be gripping his collar to keep him right where she wants him. Since he's not, and technically she's not either, she settles for holding his face, stroking his cheeks, and mewling when she can't get any closer to him.
"I love you, you know," she husks finally, swiping her thumb over his lips. "I love you."
"I love you, too, Kate. And you know what I think we need right now?" He presses another kiss to her lips.
"What?"
"Celebration ice cream." He nips at her lip, entirely too happy to see her smile grow to match his. "Stay here. Do not move a single muscle."
He flips them, the move far more suave this time than it was earlier, lowering her gently onto his pillow. Now that's a view he likes. Something about the enhanced Technicolor of real life compared to a video call.
"I'll be right back," he promises, stealing another kiss before he scrambles through his office and into the kitchen.
It's possible he should've put pants on before going to the freezer, but if his fiancée's laughter is anything to go on, at least his yelp is amusing.
"Not funny, Beckett!" he calls over his shoulder. It's a stroke of genius that has him wrapping a kitchen towel around the carton of ice cream before grabbing spoons, sprinkles, and – after a brief moment of contemplation – the whipped cream and running back into their bedroom.
Kate giggles again as soon as she sees him and he can't help but stop to take her in. She's propped up against the pillows wearing his shirt. Her hair's spilling everywhere, and she's smiling at him. Gorgeous. She's gorgeous.
"How was your little arctic excursion, Castle?"
"Fine, just fine, thanks. And I see someone moved, hmm?"
He dumps his celebration treat collection onto the bed, sliding in beside her once more.
"I did. Because I was cold and I took care of that." She grins teasingly, wrapping her arms around his shoulders. "But I do love watching you run out of here naked."
Scandalized is what he shoots for when she trails her fingers over his thigh, but it's ruined with a decidedly unmanly giggle.
"Beckett, that tickles."
"Uh huh. Ice cream, bud. Gimme."
She kisses his chin, seemingly content to cuddle against him as soon as he pops the lid on their treat.
"So here's my proposal," he murmurs finally, putting the nearly empty ice cream carton aside. He's been eating most of it on his own for the last ten minutes, feeding her the occasional bite whenever he starts to feel like a glutton. He makes a mental note to hit the gym soon. It is excessively early to pass a belly off as sympathy cravings.
"I already said yes, Castle, remember?" she hums, waggling her fingers under his nose.
"Vividly, honey, vividly. My palms are still sweaty."
Her nose crinkles adorably against his shoulder. She doesn't like honey as much as he likes babe but he'll keep it in his back pocket anyway. Not that her name isn't wonderful and sexy in its own right, but sometimes he just wants something else to call her.
"But anyway, my proposal is this: you see if you can get an appointment with your doctor in the morning, I reschedule my flight and book you a ticket, and we spend your leave together sightseeing after I sign my fingers to the bone each day. And then when we come home, I stay in DC with you until Alexis comes back from Costa Rica, and we'll figure everything else out from there? By then it should be safe to tell people, Mother, Alexis, your dad, and anyone else, right?"
It's not the perfect solution, but it's all he can think of right now.
"Yeah, it should be. What if I don't go back to work? If they don't want me back at work?"
He licks his lips, turning to kiss her forehead. "If you don't go back, for whatever reason, then we pack up your place in DC and you come back to this home."
She's quiet for a moment. "People will talk if I'm there with you. On your trip."
"So? Everyone important to us already knows. That we're engaged, at least. Let the rest speculate. I can tell people you needed a break and you couldn't resist my charm when I invited you along."
She can snort all she wants, but they both know she really can't resist his charm for long.
He thumbs her hand, sliding his fingers through hers. "Betcha the change of scenery will help. Doesn't it help when we go to the Hamptons?"
Kate smiles at that, nodding slowly. "Yeah it does. So much so I'm pretty sure it's where you got me pregnant."
Ah, that weekend. The last bit of real time off she'd had. "Mhmm, that was a good weekend. In more ways than one." He kisses her hair. "Walks on the beach, singing karaoke, making a baby. We're so versatile, Beckett."
She snorts again, but doesn't argue that point. "You're right. It probably will be good to get away."
"Good. I'll call now. You think you can get an appointment on short notice?"
"Mmm, maybe. Hand me my phone, I'll leave a message tonight and they'll call in the morning with their earliest available." Sleepiness is settling in, he can tell. He doesn't blame her for being tired; she has to get up obscenely early every day, and between getting the news and dealing with taking the shuttle home, he's honestly surprised she lasted this long.
He hands her his cell instead since it's closer. She doesn't seem to notice, googling her OBGYN's practice quickly and letting the phone automatically connect her to their answering service. As tired as she is, she somehow still manages to pull off a coherent, pleasant message before hanging up and slapping the phone back into his hand.
"Your turn to call. I don't need First Class, kay?"
Psh, yeah he's really going to make her sit in Coach. "Sure, Kate."
"I mean it, Cassle."
"I know you do, I know."
She's asleep before he even connects with someone at the airline, pressing their joined hands against her belly. Her skin is warm under his hand, her peacefulness enough to calm his still somewhat rapid heartbeat.
Holy shit. They're having a baby.