xxPUDDxx - psychology didn't go too badly, but the chemistry i've definitely failed again! and don't stress out about it, they're just exams that can always be resat if you don't do as well as you hope, plus stressing about it only makes it worse, just breathe and everything will be okay! :D
280 Dannys POV
I don't think I had seen Harry smile as widely as he was since his wedding day, he was looking lovingly at Dougie as he slept in his arms, he did look cute, I will admit, but not as cute as Tom this morning. I had woken up before him again, and just, wow, how was I ever lucky enough to wake up to the sight of Toms beautiful face? He had looked beautiful, the light shining on his face gently, his hair in odd, random tufts, his little hands holding onto my own. He still looked perfect now, wrapped up in his dressing gown, his little tattooed feet just about able to be seen. Our hands were joined for once too, I had sparks flying up my arm at the contact, it was perfect. This was setting up to be a good morning, like yesterdays. Me and Tom has spent yesterday curled up on the sofa, just relaxing and watching a few films, and I had actually been able to hold him, I never got to hold him usually, being able to hold Tom was the best feeling, like everything was okay in the world, and nothing would ever go wrong again. I loved it.
Our week carried on in the same way too, we managed to sit around and relax for days, enjoying our time off. We were calm and relaxed like usual, doing a few practises for when we were going back to doing a few performances, but mostly we sat around and hugged all day...no change from usual there then. We only really started moving again when we went out for a band meeting, discussing what was happening for the next few weeks. It was being held at a restaurant, and I was quite worried for Tom, because he never ate in front of people, and he almost never went near food in public, how was he going to handle this one?
"are you alright at the moment?" I asked in the car, running a hand over Toms shaking back, holding onto his hand for support. "yeah, why wouldn't I be?" Tom nodded. "you're shaking, and because you don't usually like eating around people." I answered simply, running my fingers over his hand. "I'm just cold, I'll be fine." Toms shakes calmed a little at my touch, he eyes almost trained on our hands. "want my jacket then?" I went to take it off. "no, you keep it, I'll be fine." Tom declined, pulling his long sleeves down over his hands. I knew he was lying about being cold, because it wasn't that cold outside, and he had two tshirts and a jumper on, he couldn't possibly be cold, compared to the rest of us who were just in tshirts.
We pulled up to the big fancy restaurant, Tommy got out first, making sure that our other managers were there before we got out too. "if you're sure, but, good luck with trying to eat in front of people, you'll be fine I'm sure." I had to give him a little bit of encouragement, gently kissing Tom before getting out, leading him to the table our remaining management were sitting at. The four of us sat down, exchanging a few nice words before getting down to business.
"so, now that Fletch is gone hopefully we can get some work done. So, we've got you some interviews over the next few weeks, and a couple of photoshoots, like usual. Also, are we going to start making a new album soon or are we leaving it even longer?" Darren explained, looking through his menu. "er, alright, and that depends. We only have a few songs that we could use, and not many other ideas." Harry covered, obviously noticing that I really didn't know how to answer that. I didn't want to make another album yet, I didn't think Tom was ready, I wanted him to get better first before we wrote an album. The pressure from writing and recording, then promoting was horrible, how could we let Tom in for that when he couldn't even eat in front of people without shaking? He was shaking so much right now, it scared me, it was like he was trembling so much he would end up physically crumbling away, like a building in an earth quake.
"breathe Tommy, no-ones looking at you, its fine." I whispered gently in his ear, taking the menu out of his hands, holding them in my own instead. "I-I'm fine." Tom stuttered, looking me in the eye for once, he looked terrified, even more terrified then he did before our first ever show.
281 Toms POV
Everyone is looking at you, they'll think you're a pig! The monster inside my head screamed, panicking just as much as I was. I couldn't do this, I couldn't just sit here like a normal person and eat with people, it wasn't right! How could I do this?! I would eat too much, too nicer food! I wasn't worthy of it! And I would get bigger, and everyone would take the mick out of me for the rest of my life. They will hate you.
"you're not fine though, are you? Do you need a breather?" Danny asked, running his fingers over my clean arm, luckily talking in whispers, so more attention wasn't drawn to myself. Thank god Fletch wasn't here, he would have killed me for doing this. "n-no, I'm fine." I shook my head, willing my voice to not shake, it didn't work. "you sure? I can come with you if you need some time to breathe." Danny linked our fingers together, squeezing my hand gently, paying me so much unneeded attention. I was fine, just a little panicky, that was all, I was going to be alright. Don't go outside, you'll gain more sympathy, you don't need sympathy. You can't bring more attention to yourself. The monster warned, almost taking me over and rooting me to the chair. "I'm sure. I'll be okay." I shot a fake half smile at Danny, moving my hand out of his own, not wanting to though, I wanted to hold onto his hand until I felt better, which wouldn't be until after the meal. And I was right handed, and he was left handed, I couldn't hold his left hand, he wouldn't be able to eat. I couldn't do that to him, ever, I just couldn't.
"alright, but if you need it, we can go outside together. No-one will mind, they're not like Fletch, they'll understand." Danny leant in to kiss me, then thought the better of it, awkwardly stroking my hair instead. See, you haven't even eaten yet, he's already disgusted. Nice job soon-to-be-fatty. I was started to hate being mocked all day, for everything, but, the monster was speaking the truth, and I couldn't do anything about it, just listen to it and believe every word. Thats right, I'm always right, you must listen to me, no-one else. It laughed, proving it was the boss over me.
All too soon, the food we had ordered arrived, and everyone tucked in, Darren announcing this whole meal was on him. If I didn't eat anything, it would be a waste of his money, I couldn't do that to him, I didn't want another angry manager. I had to eat something...in front of people...half of which controlled our careers. Oh...cr*p. I reluctantly picked up my fork in my shaking hand, stabbing it through a roast potato, picking up the sharp knife and cutting it in half. It was right next to the steak knife, it was really, really sharp, and shiny. I liked sharp, shiny blades, they made the best, deepest cuts on my thighs. No, not here. At home, when you really need punishing. You haven't finished making mistakes yet.
I felt sick as I ate the first bite, but at the same time, my mouth watered uncontrollably, my GOD food was nice, food was...heaven. It was like eating the best meal of your life, I wanted more but wanted to throw up at the same time. I wasn't worthy of this, I hadn't eaten anything like this in a year, I could barely eat packets of crisps, and that was only with the promise of being able to throw it up later on, but this, this was too nice. Too much like my old life, like the life I led where I was lied to and thought way too highly of myself. I was nothing, I couldn't have this, no matter how much my stomach rumbled, crying out for this, I couldn't eat this. It was far out of my league, so far out of it, it was in another universe.
Don't you dare cause a scene by crying, or running off. Don't you even dare do that! Stay right there, and stare at it, go on, stare at it, remind yourself you're not worth it, and if you do eat it, you're throwing it up later. And expect a lot of new cuts, and they'll be deep. The monster hissed, the tears filling up in my eyes. "Tommy, are you okay?" Danny broke me from my deep inner beating from the monster, his hand on my back, feeling so warm and safe. "y-yeah, just, its a bit hot." I lied, wiping away the tears. "you sure? You're looking a little ill." Harry joined in, making me realise that everyone was staring at me, literally, there were 6 sets of eyes staring at me, and that was just on this table. Who knew how many else were staring at me across the room? "I'm fine, really." I lied again, maybe if I said it enough times, everyone, including myself, would start to believe it. "alright, if you're sure. I'm proud of you Tommy, remember that, I'm proud of you. And I love you, no matter what you do, I love you." Danny smiled a little, rubbing my back, making me feel worse. He was saying he was proud of me and that he loved me just so I could sit here and act normal, not what I was actually was, a worthless, stupid, piece of cr*p that let a voice inside their head control them. Why did he have to try so much to make me feel better all the time? I just wanted to be left alone in moments like these, there wouldn't be such a problem if I was on my own right now. But no, everyone was here, I couldn't stop this encouragement, not even if I tried, and I felt so sick because of it. I wished I didn't feel sick, but I couldn't stop it, I felt so sick. And it didn't stop, not until we got home, 4 hours later, after I had managed to shove a few things down my throat, to show willing.
But when we got home, I sent Danny home for a few hours, thanking my lucky stars that Carrie was out too, so I could make myself feel better. I threw up almost violently into the toilet, ridding myself of every ounce I had consumed throughout the day, trying to forget how it had tasted, how much I wanted it. I wanted everything and could have nothing, I wasn't worth a single bite of what I had eaten tonight, and I had to be punished...8 lines into my skin later and I still didn't feel better, just woozy. All I could do was try to bandage myself up and make the place look presentable again, before I collapsed onto the floor, feeling worthless, wishing I could fall through the floor and never come back.