Thanks so much for all the reviews, I really appreciate it! I love you all and I want to inform you all in advance that there is a possible chance that there will be some delay on Friday's chapter, seeing as I have finals and will be very busy studying. Anyway, enjoy.

Disclaimer: I do not own Hetalia Axis Powers

Age Eighteen

First Friend

When Ludwig Beilschmidt was eighteen-years-old, he realized what the scariest thing in the world was. It wasn't the monster hiding under your bed from when you were a kid, it wasn't the bully in sixth grade, and it wasn't even finals or college tuition.

The scariest thing was when you realize you no longer check for cars before crossing the road, and you no longer care when you realize you've already missed a meal or three. It's when you begin to think 'maybe it wouldn't be so bad if something just happened to me in my sleep and I never had to wake up again' or something like 'maybe it wouldn't hurt too badly to get hit by that car.'

The scariest part was not the feeling of loneliness or the darkness that filled him despite the looming pain of emptiness. The scariest part is the realization that you have lost yourself completely and that sinks in as you lay awake at two in the morning because you have lost the ability to sleep, and you can't even cry because you don't care anymore.

Nowadays, when Ludwig would wake up, his first thought would be 'I can't do this anymore.'

Sometimes, Ludwig would think that he was becoming comfortable with his sadness. He wore it around his shoulders like a winter coat to keep him warm. How was it that his sorrow became his comfort; his home? Over the years, Ludwig had become afraid to venture into the unchartered territory that was happiness.

Contentment could be just within reach. Maybe if Ludwig stretched out his pale fingers far enough, he could grasp it and pull it close. Instead, he clung to darkness because it is familiar to him.

He looked at the bloodied object clutched in his hand, he saw that it was just a scrap of metal. And yet it was his closest friend. He wiped the blood off the top of the bathroom counter, sighing and hoping it didn't stain. That'd be a rather unfortunate thing for Gilbert to see next time he visited.

Ludwig hated nights like these most. The nights where he felt so hollow inside and felt so damn empty and out of place. The nights where his mind wandered to the unknown and all he returned with was sadness. He hated being able to count the number of times tears burned in his eyes, and he hated that the only thing he had at night to comfort him was his loneliness and the only thing he felt surrounding him was darkness.

Shuffling his way back into his bedroom, he pulled down his long sleeves and picked up a framed photo of him and Gilbert from when they were young, a wry smile twisting his lips before he wrapped it carefully in bubble wrap before placing it in the cardboard box.

Damn, packing sure wasn't easy when you were doing it all by yourself.

That's right, Ludwig was now in the summer of his eighteenth year and had gotten into a nice college for engineering. It wasn't too far away, but it was a lengthy commute. Of course, part of Ludwig was amazed just by the fact that he was still alive to go to college anyway.

After wrapping yet another fragile object, Ludwig placed it in the box with delicacy, ignoring the growl his stomach emitted, instead continuing to pack items into the cardboard box. It didn't matter if he missed a meal or two, or for a week in a row. Food didn't matter for someone who was going to die alone, right?

Food wasn't important, he wasn't important. He couldn't eat, he knew that. Food was only for the important people, not the worthless ones.

Pushing open the door, Ludwig dropped the cardboard box on the empty bed on the left side of the room. Cracking his neck, he sighed in relief as he realized that was the last box he had.

Now, he just had to unpack the boxes.

Ludwig had successfully made it to college, where he would be majoring in Engineering. Part of him was actually excited for this new part of his life that was about to start. Maybe something would be different, maybe he could change. And while he no longer held hope for his words appearing, nor that he would ever be happy, he was excited. But something, anything, could change during his time here at college. A tiny buzz filled him, like a single bee swarming around throughout his body, flooding him with barely tangible excitement.

His roommate had already moved in, although Ludwig had yet to meet the other boy. The walls had a few framed photos and a small poster of some anime type show. From the information he had gathered, his roommate's name was Kiku Honda, an exchange student from Japan.

One of the photos on the wall was bordered by a simple black frame, and behind the class was a shiny new photo of Kiku and another boy –taller than Kiku– with rich brown hair, shimmering green eyes, and what looked to be a plastic headband with tawny cat ears perched on top of his head. They were holding hands, and small smiles lifted the corners of their lips.

A faint knock on the door snapped him out of his thoughts, and Ludwig looked towards the closed door. "Come in." He welcomed simply, wondering if the person on the other side of the door was indeed his roommate.

A petite boy with dark hair opened the door. "Pardon my asking, but are you Ludwig-san?"

Ludwig briefly wondered why the other boy was asking, seeing as he was obviously setting up his dorm stuff and unpacking multiple boxes. Instead of asking, he instead settled for a simple "ja."

A small smile and slight nod came from the other boy before he approached the much taller German teen and stuck out his hand. "Nice to meet you. I am Kiku Honda, majoring in Graphic Design and Animation."

The blond shook Kiku's hand firmly, nodding at the given information before returning the greeting. "Nice to meet you as well, Kiku. I'm Ludwig Beilschmidt, my major is Engineering."

"I hope we can become good friends this year. Good luck on your studies, Ludwig-san." He said before moving over to his desk and taking out his laptop, pressing the power button and waiting for it to turn on.

"Ja. And to you as well, Kiku." Ludwig muttered in reply.

The blue-eyed teen had to admit that he was rather confused towards Kiku's reaction towards him. The other boy had been rather friendly –albeit a bit formal– but he seemed to have good intentions. Didn't Kiku know? Didn't he know that Ludwig was a disgrace? A monster? Was this some sick joke? Although Kiku didn't seem the type to pull cruel pranks, over the years Ludwig had become overly cautious.

He had to keep it a secret. He could never let Kiku know that he didn't have words. This could be his first real chance to make a friend, and he didn't want it to go down the drain so quickly. Ludwig would wear long sleeves and make up an imaginary sentence and soulmate if he had to.

Shaking his head, Ludwig mentally slapped himself. Gott, he was behaving like a child. Getting all worked up about the possibility of having a friend... it was pathetic. He had trained himself for years to remember that he didn't need friends. It was idiotic to think that things would change and that he would suddenly make friends and be loved by everyone just because he was in college.

So far, Kiku had not yet tried to inquire about what his words were, like most people did. He just hoped it would stay that way.

In the three months that he had been at college, Ludwig could confidently say that it was simultaneously the best year of his life and the worst. On one side, he and Kiku had become something similar to friends, and he had discovered that the green-eyed boy in the photo with Kiku was indeed the Japanese boy's soulmate. He knew that Kiku loved video games and didn't get scared easily.

Meanwhile, Kiku knew that Ludwig loved dogs and baking, that he studied furiously and tended to have a short temper. They helped each other with multiple things, such as assignments or cleaning the dorm. They hung out daily, getting snacks at the small bistro down the street when they could. However, even though multiple months had passed, Kiku still hasn't asked about his words.

It was refreshing, to have somebody who looked passed that and talked to him nonetheless, but it was also nerve wracking. Any moment Kiku could spring the question on him, and Ludwig would have no idea how to reply and would be left floundering like a fish. And what if Kiku were to find out somehow? Would he stop talking to him? Would Kiku turn on him and give him the cold shoulder?

It didn't help that Kiku was almost constantly at their dorm, and Ludwig barely had time to find the time to relieve his stress and negative emotions through pressing a metal blade to his wrist.

His wrist had few fresh marks, instead mostly consumed by pale scars of varying widths and lengths. His wrist wasn't plain anymore, and the thought of that comforted him. After all those years of staring at his empty wrist, waiting and praying that something would appear, sweet words or a hint to his future happiness. Instead, he had made something appear himself.

Friendship had so many variables and questions, Ludwig wondered how people managed to have friends at all. The constant fear that they could just decide to abandon you was crushing, and putting your trust in another person was a strange concept. What if they betrayed you? What was he supposed to do then?

Heart trembling, he pushed open the door to their small dorm. Kiku was perched on his bed, a blanket wrapped around his shoulders and a snack stuck in his mouth as he furiously pressed buttons on his 3DS.

Would it be better to just tell Kiku now? Before Ludwig got too attached to him, before he started to convince himself that someone actually enjoyed his company.

"Kiku?"

There was a pause and the click of Kiku closing the lid on his gaming device. Dark eyes studied him for a moment before replying. "What is it, Ludwig-san?"

"I'd like to tell you something." The blond spoke awkwardly, pausing and clenching his hands into fists.

Kiku nodded for him to continue.

"I don't have words." Ludwig said quickly, the air rushing out of him, "I don't have a soulmate." The sentence flew from his lips, and he sighed in relief. It was strange, to tell another person a piece of information about yourself that you didn't like people to know. It was comforting, in a strange way, to share parts of yourself with another person... a friend.

Kiku blinked, before nodding his head, the corner of his lips twisting into a kind smile. "I know."

Ludwig blanched. "You... what do you mean that you know?"

The shorter male picked up his shiny aqua blue device. "Ludwig-san, we have been... best friends for three months. You never spoke of your words, so I figured you didn't want to talk about it." His heavily accented voice continued, "after a while, I connected the dots. I am not dumb, you know."

"Ja, I know. I just... why are you friends with me if I don't have words?"

Kiku's eyes stayed focused on his game, and he spoke as if this was all obvious information that he was relaying casually. "You are still you, regardless of silly things like words. You are my friend, with or without a soulmate." His R's rolled in the place of the L's, but his message was clear.

"I..." Ludwig smiled, relieved but sad. "I see. Thank you, Kiku."

Pulling himself onto his bed, Ludwig lay in bed after Kiku turned out the lights and thought about what his roommate had said to him. The click of buttons and faint music from Kiku's game was the only sound in the room, but Ludwig couldn't hear it over his own thoughts.

Was what Kiku said true? They were not only friends, but best friends? What did being best friend entail? Were they supposed to get matching friendship bracelets or tattoos like characters from books did? However, Ludwig was mostly thinking about Kiku's last few sentences.

Kiku was okay with the fact that he didn't have words. Kiku didn't call him a freak or a weirdo and didn't ostracize him or kick him in the shin. He didn't demand that Ludwig leave the door and he didn't say hurtful things. Of course, it didn't change the fact that Ludwig hated that he didn't have words, but it was comforting to know that he had a friend.

Rolling over onto his side, Ludwig yawned and closed his eyes. College work was hard, but it was worth it. He was happier than he had been in years, but that still wasn't much. Some nights, the blond wanted to warn Kiku to not be surprised if one day he was unable to wake him up.

The German teen wasn't entirely sure if he would actually make it through college. For all he knew, Kiku would wake up one day and say that they were no longer friends, that he suddenly found it disgraceful for Ludwig not to have words. But until that day happened, Ludwig would continue to crawl through life, struggling to make it through the day without tearing himself apart and trying to look like he didn't want to die.

When Ludwig went to bed that night, his last thought was: 'I can't do this anymore... can I?' and then he drifted off to sleep, wondering whether or not it was possible for him to continue on like he was.

To be continued

Coming next: Age 19