Sorry for all the sappiness, but I've been listening to Ellie Goulding's "Love Me Like You Do" on repeat and as terrible as 50 Shades is, that's a damn good song! It's got too much influence on my writing. Maybe if I listen to Manson I can make Amelia a bit more bitchy? But really, I need to put some fire under her feet.
The reviews have been amazing, but before you read this chapter, I want you to know a little bit about why it exists:
I've always been able to see a lot of myself in Amelia - not because of her intelligence or looks, but because I think she builds walls around her to keep people out and I've done that my whole life. She likes to take risks but at the same time, she likes to be safe from her surroundings so that her heart doesn't get hurt. Cooper feels all of the energy around him and can pick up on minor details that when you get down to it aren't that minor at all. Cooper digs, Amelia builds, and Cooper doesn't like being shut out of anything, literally or figuratively (hello, did you watch the movie? DUH).
Amelia is never confident about anything except her intelligence (we're working on that), and because of that, she's not the most emotionally mature person. I think that from an early age she saw emotions as a weakness, and then when she finally gave into love, it got taken away from her. She believes in love so strongly because she knows what it feels like to have it ripped away.
Also, for people who are so emotionally weak, having control of a situation is ideal - having the control means that she can make sure that something can't hurt her. And as much as she feels like she trusts Cooper, she probably still only trusts herself. She trusts him with her life, but her heart is another thing. That's the sign of a damaged spirit, in my opinion.
Amelia feels safe with Cooper and that terrifies her because she doesn't want to have to rely on anyone else. He represents the emotional security that she's not used to. That's why she's embarrassed to cry in front of him, because she doesn't want him to think that she's weak. She knows she's weak, no one else needs to know.
Cooper is naturally inclined to care about others. Not only do we get this from his relationships within his house and falling into Gargantua, but we also get it from his occupation: farming. Farming is a 24/7 job; you're constantly caring for either plants or animals, maybe both. Cooper also strikes me as someone who needs to protect others in order to feel like he's needed. So here he is, in love with a chick who puts up a fence around her heart anytime she's scared, someone who wants to believe she's invincible when she's really anything but.
You might say that if this is the case, they're not good for each other, but I'll argue the exact opposite. She needs to have those fences taken up, the walls torn down if she ever wants to be comfortable in herself, and Cooper is just the guy for that. He's a good listener, he's soft spoken when he needs to be, and he's selfless, which means he'll put her emotions in front of his. Amelia is someone who needs to be protected and that's appealing to a leader like Cooper.
Oh, psychology; don't you just love it? Anyway, that should help a little bit with this chapter and maybe even some previous questions. Enjoy chapter 3!
Interstellar: Revivisco, Part II
Chapter 3: Construendos Muros
He knew this wasn't going to last, but her stubbornness was up there with the best of them. Her temper varied, but as soon as they were no longer alone, her wall had gone back up, with no doorway for him to get in. Five minutes later he was back at the new place and TARS and CASE were parked against the wall.
"CASE, you might wanna go find Amelia, she's in the unit," Cooper suggested, lookin at both bots.
"Yes, sir," CASE replied, walking toward the door, leaving.
"Cooper, everything isn't okay, is it?" TARS asked. Cooper shook his head.
"TARS, not now." He followed Cooper into the kitchen area - Cooper stared at the papers that were still scattered across the table, well, his were. Amelia's were in a neat stack. Figures. "TARS, Amelia's been acting funny."
"And you don't act funny every day?" That brought a smile to his face.
"You know what I mean, smart ass." Cooper sat down at the table and began to organize his papers. "But I've seen this version of her before."
"When?" Cooper thought back to accusing Amelia of letting her emotions guide her in the wrong direction, when it turned out that they were leading her on a very certain path.
"Before Mann's," he replied, picturing her sitting across from him. "How do you reason with someone that intelligent, TARS?"
"You're relatively intelligent, Cooper, figure it out." Cooper chuckled and leaned back in the chair, still picturing her on the other side. "What would she say to you right now, if she was being honest?"
She'd tell me that she was stressed, and that she's not a people person, that she's tired and has no idea what she's going into. That she feels old. That she's not scared of being by ourselves again, or being somewhere unknown again, but that she's scared of what they're going to do to the life we've created. That I should be more patient.
"Packing the unit up is the only thing she can control right now, and she likes control. Type-A all the way," Cooper said out loud. "She builds walls."
Let her cool off for a bit. That'll help.
3 months until the launch of the Lazarus Mission
"Why are you doing this to me?" A twenty-three year old Amelia leaned against a wall in her father's office. "Why him, dad?" She was trying to fight off the tears the best that she could.
"Amelia, this is the future of the human race, not a love story," her father replied. "I advised that none of them had any relationships, and obviously Dr. Edmunds didn't listen. How did you think you were going to keep this a secret from me, Amelia? Headquarters isn't small, but word travels fast."
"So that's that, then? You're sending him out there, even after what you know?" John Brand nodded, looking at his daughter with sympathy.
"And you knew too, young lady! You were very, very well aware. You've brought some of this on yourself, but he should have had the good sense to avoid you." Amelia pulled her sleeves over her fists, wiping her eyes. "I thought he was smarter than that."
"I couldn't avoid him, daddy, and he couldn't avoid me. I love him and he loves me," she sobbed, watching as her father walked toward her.
"Amelia, the construct of love is right up here," he said as he pointed at her head. "It's only as intense and encompassing as we create it."
"So you didn't just love mom? When you saw her for the first time, your heart didn't stop? You just saw another person?"
"No, Amelia, that's not what I mean. I allowed myself to love your mother, and she allowed herself to love me. I wasn't getting ready to fly out into another galaxy and neither was she. We had the opportunity." He knew his daughter was grieving, but she had to learn the consequences of her actions.
"I shouldn't have fallen in love with him because it's not particularly convenient? That seems selfish on your end, dad. You had seventeen years with mom and I've had not even one with Wolf and you're tearing it apart!" She stormed out of the office, feeling her father pull her back in.
"He's going and that's final! He's agreed to it and he's the best option that we have. We're not exactly teaming with particle physicists these days." She hugged her father and cried on his shoulder. "I know that you're scared, and I'm sorry that it had to be this way."
"But dad," she was sobbing too hard to finish her sentence.
"Amelia, control yourself! How would it look if I said to the other eleven, 'my daughter's fallen in love with Dr. Edmunds so he won't be making the trip with you'? Now that wouldn't be fair, would it?" She pulled away and shook her head. "This is going to be rough on you, I know, but with Dr. Miller gone, you'll be over the biology department. The youngest to ever do so. You'll have a lot to focus on."
"Yes, dad." Amelia walked toward the door again.
"Amelia?" She stopped and turned around, looking at her father. "I love you."
"I love you, too, dad." Amelia stormed back to her quarters. Wolf's going to be gone and you are going to be here all by yourself. You're going to have to be brave.
She unlocked her door and went into the bathroom to wash her face, tears still trickling down her cheeks. Between her mascara stained face and thick, frizzy braid, she looked like a mess. Remember Amelia, control yourself... like dad said to.
10 years later
3 weeks until the launch of the Endurance Mission
"Dad, how do you know that you can trust him?" Amelia asked her father just as the man and his daughter had left.
"Amelia, he's the most interesting student I've ever had. He thinks differently - his mind bends in a way that allows him to be resourceful in ways that I'd never seen until he came along. He never studied for tests and relied completely upon context clues to answer questions. He never got anything lower than a 90 percent on an exam."
Amelia rolled her eyes. "He looks and sounds like he thinks highly of himself." John Brand laughed as he sat down at his desk.
"Well he should. Considering the circumstances that we're living in, he's extremely accomplished."
"But what does that have to do with his ability to pilot?" He smiled at his daughter before folding his hands.
"Resourcefulness, Amelia, especially out there, will come in great handy. No offense to Doyle, but he only sees what is in front of him, and it's not Romilly's job to guide anyone on this mission - he's going to get as much information about the black hole as he can." Amelia pulled a chair up in front of her father's desk.
"Are you saying that I'm not resourceful?" Dr. Brand chuckled at his daughter.
"No, but, Amelia I do believe that you'll find Cooper to be most helpful." She nodded and she leaned back in the chair. "I'm too old to pilot the mission, Amelia. Cooper's sudden appearance here is nothing short of a miracle for us."
"I know." There was an awkward silence - time was a sensitive subject for them right now. "How does his resourcefulness make you trust him?"
"Because he still loves this, Amelia, even after his crash, after all these years. You saw how fascinated he was." She had seen it, and it turned out that he was smarter than he let himself appear to be. "Trust me, you'll someday see why I've made this decision."
"I hope you're right."
Amelia looked around the boxed-up unit, smiling softly as she peered into Cooper's room. "Amelia, you constantly fuck this up," she said out loud. She walked into his room and opened up a box that she hadn't packed - one Cooper had done himself.
Not as bad as it could have been, she thought as she straightened a few things in the box. At the bottom, there was an even smaller container, and it had her curious. She reached for it and took it, slowly opening the box.
"Oh." There was his ring that he'd taken off a few months ago, a sign of their acknowledgement of a second chance. She quickly put it back, guilt washing over her.
You shouldn't feel guilty for expressing yourself, you just choose the worst ways to do it.
"Dr. Brand?" Amelia stood up straight as she heard CASE.
"What are you doing here?" she asked as she walked out of his room.
"Cooper sent me. I don't think he wanted you to be by yourself." She nodded and walked back into his room.
"That was nice of him." Amelia looked into the mirror and pushed her bangs back. "He's a good guy."
More than a good guy. He gave up everything to make sure you made it here and then he gave up everything again to get here to be with you.
"Damn, this love thing is more difficult than I remember it being," she said to herself, wishing he was there with her right then. It was easier then because the whole time, deep down, you knew he was leaving. Cooper's not going anywhere. "I'll apologize tomorrow; go back to the apartment and tell him that I'm sorry."
"Dr. Brand, are you talking to me?" CASE asked from the common area.
"No. Sorry, CASE." I could send him a message and tell him to come over or to come get me. Maybe I should just let him have a little distance from me for a bit, though. Must be nice, "because I've been a complete asshole."
Cooper woke up in the dark, in an empty bed. He touched her pillow just to remind himself that she wasn't there.
"Damn." He sat up and rubbed his face with both hands. He'd forgotten how nice it was to wake up and see her next to him - he'd taken it for granted.
You both screwed up, he thought, laying back down. "That's it." He hopped out of the bed and threw on shoes and a t-shirt, practically running from the room and grabbing his jacket. "Where're those keys?" he asked out loud.
"To the ATV? On the kitchen island, Coop." TARS' voice startled him, but he quickly forgot about it and grabbed the keys.
"See ya later, bud," Cooper said as he left the apartment and went outside to find the ATV conveniently parked 20 feet away. He hopped on and started it up, the light from the unit within sight. "I'm on my way." He'd said it as if Amelia was right there with him.
He sped the whole way there, the cold air causing his eyes to water. The trip lasted two minutes, but felt like an eternity to him. All he cared about in that moment was reaching her and telling her that she needed to trust him again - that he needed her to trust him again.
He stopped in front of the unit and turned the ATV off, running toward the door, holding up his hand to scan.
The door opened more slowly than he remembered, and he made sure to walk to her room as softly as possible.
"Hey there, CASE," Cooper whispered as quietly as possible. "Everything is alright." He stepped in and made the short trek to her door, noticing that it was wide open. Amelia wasn't there.
"Oh, shit," he said out loud, putting a hand to his forehead. He then looked up and turned around to his old door, which was closed, bringing a smile to his face. He was thankful to see that it was unlocked when he slowly turned the knob, finding her sleeping form in the bed. He slipped out of his shoes and jacket. "Who knew I'd miss you this much after just a few hours," he whispered as he crawled in next to her, putting his left arm over her.
"Cooper?" His lips in a straight line, he touched them to the back of her neck, smiling when he felt her take hold of his arm, clutching it to her chest. "That is you, isn't it?"
He chuckled as he moved his head to the crook of her neck. "Expecting someone else?" She stayed still, but where she had his hand, right up against her heart, he felt her pulse quicken.
"No," she whispered honestly, taking his hand and kissing his knuckles. "Why are you here?"
He felt her hold on his arm tighten, as if she was forbidding him from leaving. "Why wouldn't I be here?" As he moved his head out of the crook of her neck, he watched her shift her own further into the pillow.
"We had a fight." And that was supposed to keep me away?
"Amelia, shit like that just happens, we get over it, we move on," he whispered into her hair. "Nothing you say or do can keep me away from you."
"That's good." She yawned and Cooper felt her breathing steady, indicating she was back asleep.
And I thought she didn't like this bed. Cooper closed his eyes and followed her to sleep.
"Hey," Cooper said softly, watching as Amelia's eyes fluttered open. She didn't seem shocked to see him there.
"What are you doing here?" What would I be doing if I wasn't? he thought to himself. She obviously doesn't remember our conversation last night.
"I woke up and realized you weren't next to me and it just didn't feel right." She smiled and closed her eyes. "I'm sorry about yesterday."
"I'm a total ass sometimes, I know," she replied as she opened her eyes again.
"No, it's not that." Cooper held his breath before exhaling and asking the question. "Are you getting cold feet about the mission?" he asked, slightly confused. She was the strongest person he knew.
"Does this whole ordeal not make you nervous?" Her eyes appeared bigger and her face tired.
"I guess, in a way, yeah, it does, but it's exciting." Amelia had opened up over the past few months but that wall was being built back up again since the stations were arriving.
"We can't go back to Earth, Amelia, it's vacant now, it's empty... just dust and water."
"I know that," she replied as she sat up. "I'm not trying to go back, obviously. It's just all too real. At least when it was just us there was some kind of mystery to it."
"Mystery?" What did she mean by that? Cooper sat up, too, waiting for her answer.
"Oh my God, this sounds like some sappy fairytale crap, but it was like every day there was some kind of task to conquer or adventure for us to live out. This doesn't feel like an adventure anymore, this feels like-"
"Real life?" Cooper finished her sentence, getting a little smile out of her.
"Yeah, real life. If I'd wanted a normal life, I wouldn't have done this, you know? Life the way they live it looks so boring." That's how Cooper had felt on the station: bored. "Not a day in my life have I been into all this, this, whatever this is."
"We're gonna be okay, Amelia," he reassured her. "We'll be doing our own thing again before you know it." She nodded without confidence in that. "And I can be Prince Charming again and you can be in a tower or talk to birds, whatever you want."
"That's not really my scene, but you're welcome to wear tights if that's what you're into." He laughed as she crawled over him and out of the bed.
She walked out of the room and Cooper sat there for a moment before he spoke again. "But what if I need to save you?"
"What?" she asked. Cooper got up out of the bed and joined her in the common area.
"What if I need to save you?" She stared at him, trying to pick apart his words, what he'd meant.
"What if you need to save me? What does that mean?" He smiled, remembering to never take looking at her for granted again.
"What if I need you to need me?" She scrunched her face.
"I do need you," she replied, looking up at him.
"No, I mean," he paused, walking toward his desk, sitting on it. "You're a very strong person, Amelia. I've never met anyone like you."
She stayed where she was. "I've never met anyone like you either," she whispered just loud enough so he could hear her.
"That's nice to know," he said, crossing his arms. "What I mean is that sometimes you're almost too strong. You build up that wall you've got around you and instead of letting me be there, you make me scale it - force my way in. I don't want to have to break down your walls, I don't even want you to have to build walls. More than anything, I want you to let me be your figurative wall. I can be, but you've got to let me."
She'd never heard anything any more romantic and sweet in her life, and she wasn't a romantic person, but Cooper was so good at making her think that maybe there was a hint of romance in her heart. She certainly believed in the power of love, but romance was a whole other ballgame.
"I can't keep all the pain out, but if you'd just tell me these things, if you'd trust me just a little more, I would do whatever I could to make sure nothing or no one ever hurt you."
"Am I supposed to be your wall, too?" He smiled, looking down at his feet.
"You can be if you want." She nodded, still standing away from him. "I'd like that."
"I want to be. I trust you." They stared at each other for what felt like minutes but was only seconds.
"You're so independent, so strong-willed that it's hard for you to trust people, I get that," he replied as he hopped off the desk. "I need you to need me in more ways than one, Amelia." He quickly broke the distance between them and loosely held her hands in his fists. "There's nothing wrong with you being strong-willed, independent, intelligent... after I got over how gorgeous you were I realized that your mind was what really drew me to you. You're so determined; you've saved me more times than you'd like to think, times where I've needed you to save me."
"What's all of that supposed to mean?" She had asked softly, knowing what it meant, just wanting to hear him say it.
"I need you to be vulnerable with me. Maybe you don't need it, but I do. I want to have a purpose in your life." She took her hands away from his and brought his face down to hers.
"You have more purpose in my life than you could ever imagine," she said before she kissed him lightly. "I know I'm not perfect, not open enough, but I swear, with every fiber in my being, I'll try my best to not shut you out anymore."
"Good, because I can't get to you otherwise." They kissed again, slowly, as if it was going to slow down time. "You got yourself up in that tower, after all, don't ya?"
"Oh, please," she laughed letting go of him. "Go find some birds to talk to."