Author's note: one more chapter for tonight, just because I really love Edmund and I'm also somewhat antsy to get into the battle portion. I do not own any of Narnia or its many facets. Enjoy!

So where to go?

The image in my mind, becoming more and more vivid as it played in slow motion, kept me from forming any coherent thought. All I knew was that I needed a place to think, and I needed one now. The howe came into view as I emerged from the forest and I saw two figures right above the entrance.

As I got closer I realized it was Caspian and an older man I didn't recognize.

The fear, and the sickness, and the dizziness that had been overwhelming me just a moment ago took the backseat as anger flared in my veins. He was the one who hurt my friend. He was the one that almost brought the white witch back. He was the one that liked Susan.

Prick.

My thoughts were absolutely incoherent as my emotions from earlier conflicted with my anger. All I could do was sit down in front of the small arch at the beginning of the path to the howe and cradle my head in my hands.

What was I going to do?

Lucy, Susan, Peter, Edmund, the Narnians, Caspian….they expect me to fight. But how could I? I couldn't even punch someone in the face back in New York. How on Earth was I going to be able to kill someone?

An image of me, blood spattered on my face, slicing off a man's arm flashed behind my eyelids.

I cringed, dug my nails into my scalp and let out a strangled cry. "Get out of my head, please, just get out!" I begged, rubbing my eyes, praying to God, Aslan, and any other divine being that had the power to get rid of these thoughts.

My breathing was shallow; a lump wedged itself in my throat.

Tears were brimming in my eyes and i looked straight ahead, enjoying how blurry the tears made my vision. I didn't dare blink, knowing the second I did that tears would fall down my face, and I didn't want to cry.

Crying solved nothing.

And all I wanted now, more than anything, was for this problem to be solved.

With my vision still blurry and my thoughts still vulgar and terrifying, I rolled to my knees and clasped my hands together, looking to the sky. I hadn't done this in forever, and before I spoke I glanced around, making sure my conversation would be private. Then I looked back towards the heavens.

"God, please help me. I don't know what to do. I know I haven't been the most faithful servant, and although I know it angers you greatly, I probably never will be. But I'm begging, please help me. I can't fight in a war. I can't imagine killing a person, ever. Please, just….take me home," I whispered quietly holding back the sobs that wanted to escape my mouth.

"Christina?"

I gasped as my eyes darted to the left, looking for the face that matched that voice. He looked awful. His skin was pale, and his eyes were red and puffy, as if he had just been crying. Those deep, brown irises were troubled and sad. But they were also worried and curious.

"Are you ok?"

It was now that I realized that a single tear had slid down my cheek, leaving a wet streak behind. I sighed impatiently and wiped it away with the back of my hand, blinking the others away. I must've looked so pathetic to him.

"I'm fine." I forced a smile onto my face and looked at him again.

"Were you crying?" he wondered, sitting down beside me.

I quickly sat back and pulled my legs to my chest, resting my chin on my knees. "No, there was something in my eyes," I managed a short, obviously fake laugh and rubbed my eyes with my hands, trying to convince him.

"What's wrong?" he demanded.

"Nothing, I'm fine. Are you ok?"

He looked down. I knew he knew that I was changing the subject, putting the light on him instead of me, but I also knew he didn't mind. He needed someone to talk to. And, apparently, I was a good listener.

"I just….I thought I had done well enough to be a king. I thought I had finally proven myself and that she was finally going to…leave me alone." His voice was so pained, it made more tears appear in my eyes.

"You are a great king, Edmund. You shouldn't let her get in the way of that," I told him.

"How could I be a good king? Do you know what I did? I betrayed my family! I Betrayed Narnia! I betrayed Aslan," the last part he whispered almost silently.

"I'm a traitor."

"No you're not! You are a great and loyal and just king. All of that is in the past, you have done so much more than just prove yourself worthy of the throne. Edmund, if only you could see the way everyone else sees you. How the Narnians see you, how Lucy Sees you, how I see you."

He looked at me, tears brimming in his eyes.

This time I looked back confidently.

"I see you as one of the greatest rulers I have known and ever will know. Lucy, and everyone else, they look up to you. They know that you are smart and brave and level headed and passionate and everything that a king should be! And I only wish that you would just realize how great of a person you are!"

My shoulders slumped forward as I panted; I hadn't even taken in a breath during that long speech.

We both remained quiet, stunned by my outburst.

"So, what's wrong with you?" he asked quietly, scooting closer and throwing an arm around my shoulders. I cringed, I didn't even want to start thinking about this. Not right now. Not ever, if I got my way.

"Nothing," I replied.

He just raised his eyebrows at me and waited expectantly. He was stubborn. But so was I. Besides, he's the first sword of Narnia and one of the military commanders. He's had to have seen and killed loads of men in war before. I would look like a silly little girl if I started crying to him about fighting people.

"What?" I wondered, feigning innocence.

"So you're not going to tell me why you're so scared? Or sad?"

"There's nothing to tell," I snapped, moving out from under his arm. "I'm not scared or sad. I'm fine." I stood up and moved to enter the Howe when he stood as well and stepped in front of me. "Why won't you tell me?"

He seemed genuinely concerned. But he didn't need to be.

He had his own problems.

"Edmund, please. You've got your own stuff to be worried about right now. There's really nothing to tell," I repeated, slightly irritated, "I'm fine."

Just drop it, please. As long as I focused on something other than the fact that I was expected to fight in a war, I wasn't going to picture….what I had been picturing before, and then I might get an hour of decent sleep before I had nightmares that woke me up and kept me awake.

Edmund opened his mouth to say something, but his eyes widened and he grabbed my hand.

"Come on," he pulled my hand and began dragging me towards the howe.

I furrowed my brow in confusion at his sudden change in behavior, but didn't say anything. Looking back to see what he had seen, my eyes widened as well. There was one line, at least 200 feet long, of men dressed in full metal armor and masks, carrying swords, shields, and other weapons.

Miraz's army had come.

When we were in the howe he dragged me to the cave he shared with peter, and grabbed his armor, putting it on as we ran through the tunnels. When he was fully clad in armor he grabbed my hand and led me the rest of the way to the stone table room.

I saw two heads, one blonde and one brown, sitting on the other side of the table, looking at the carving of aslan. It was peter and lucy. I stood back by the entrance as Edmund barged into the middle of their conversation.

"Pete, you'd better come quickly," he suggested, turning on his heel and jogging out.

I stayed pressed against the wall as the three sibling rushed out of the room, then I followed behind. Lucy strayed from the group for only a minute to get susan, and then they resumed their quick pace through a tunnel I had never seen before.

When we came out, Caspian, Glenstorm, the old man, and trumpkin were already gathered on the ledge, which I noticed, was the same ledge Caspian and the old man had been sitting on earlier.

My eyes grew bigger when I looked at the size of the army.

It had almost doubled in size since the last time I saw it, two minutes ago.

There were hundreds, probably thousands, of metal clad men. And there were two, very large, crude looking wooden catapults. That wasn't going to be too good. A long line of men on horses trotted up the middle of the army, and one at the very front stood out.

It was Miraz, I knew it.

Everyone exchanged weary glances.

I backed up, making sure my back was against the rock wall, as the rest of the group stared on from the edge. Heights were definitely not my thing. A small gasp elicited from my mouth when peter whirled around suddenly, a determined fire ablaze in his crystal blue eyes.

"We need a plan."