Chapter 14

Kahlan paced in her room. Everything in her was warning her about tomorrow. She had a feeling that things weren't going to be easy, that everything was going to go very badly. She wasn't sure if it was truly her instincts that were telling her that, or if it was the mother in her that was just making everything seem worse. She slammed a fist down on the dresser as she stopped in front of it. The small amount of pain in her hand did little to distract her from her worries. She was struggling with the hope that wanted to rise up as she might actually see her son tomorrow and the fear that she might find his body and know she would never see him again. The whole thing would be bad enough if they were just going in to rescue somebody else's sons, but knowing her own might be in there had her second guessing her own abilities. Any other time, before going on a mission, she felt calm and sure, like a panther coiled for the strike. Now, though, she felt as if she was going to throw up and she knew it had nothing to do with the ulcer that had plagued her for over three years. She was a bundle of nerves, and she had no idea how to get past it to the calm center she always prided herself on being able to find in any situation.

She started pacing again. She didn't doubt the agents' abilities; she had done enough research on them to know they were beyond capable. In fact, she had been pleasantly impressed with all of them. They each had strength and weaknesses, as with any team, but she marveled on how well they meshed together and complimented each other. The team truly was a family in every way except blood. In fact, that was why she attacked part of their family to get them involved. She knew they would do anything to save them. She admitted, though, that she hadn't counted on caring about how her actions affected them emotionally. That was the mother in her, she knew. Years ago, she wouldn't have let their feelings get to her. She would have been cold and callused until everything was done. She would never have hurt them, but she would have kept up the façade that she started with. She shook her head; she knew that made her a better person, a better mother, but she also knew that it made her less of a. . . what? She never really considered herself an agent, a weapon maybe, a tool. What would she have called herself all those years ago? She never really thought about it back then, she just - was. That was the problem, though; she was whatever she needed to be for the mission. Maybe she considered herself a chameleon, a shape shifter, a ghost. That was what her first boss had called her, way back in 1992, a ghost who could get in, do the job, and get out. 'Ghosts can walk through walls. They are never seen unless they want to be,' she remembered him saying.

No, she could not call herself a ghost. She definitely could not use that term when others asked what she was; besides, sometimes she was the exact opposite of a ghost. Get in, be seen, do what needed to be done, and make sure they knew you were there. That was how her reputation could strike fear into those who knew she was after them; psychological torture before the kill – she was an expert. She sat on the chair and steepled her fingers as she rested her elbows on her knees. If she had to give herself a title, it would have to be operative. Her mind quickly found the definition in the dictionary she had memorized in her youth. 'operative: noun: somebody who performs a particular task or who works in a particular field'. Yes, that would work just fine, an operative in the intelligence field. Well, now you know what to tell Aaron, but it doesn't fucking help with tomorrow, dumbass!

She got up and paced again. She needed to calm herself. Years ago, she never had any trouble falling asleep. It was like she had on 'off' switch for her brain that she could use at any time. Since, then, though, she had lost that ability. Too many sleepless nights in the last three years proved that. She needed sleep tonight. She knew she needed to be alert and on the top of her game tomorrow, but she couldn't do that without sleep. She wondered for a moment, if she could do it without sleep, but kicked that idea to the curb. I'm getting too old for this shit!

Pacing was making her feel like a caged animal, so she decided to go take a walk. Maybe the cold night air would help clear her mind. She grabbed her coat, went out the door, and down the hall toward the hotel's exit. She wasn't watching where she was going as she rounded the last corner and ran straight into Hotch. Being in operative mode, she unconsciously struck out with her left hand and jumped back to put space between her and whoever was in front of her.

A strangled gasp type moan escaped Hotch. Before he even knew what had happened, he was on his knees with a hand to the top of his wounded chest and throat. For a second or two he couldn't breathe as blinding pain erupted from the point right behind where his collar bones joined at the base of his throat. He stared wild-eyed as he looked up Kahlan.

A look of shock and terror covered her face as she realized what she had done and who she had done it to. "Oh my God! Aaron, I am so sorry!" she yelled as she helped him back into a standing position.

"What the hell was that?" he asked once he finally could.

"Reflex?" she said sheepishly.

"Jesus Christ!" he yelled as he still rubbed the point of contact.

She winced as she saw the bruise already forming. Had he been wearing his suit and tie, it wouldn't have been such an effective strike. "I don't know what to say, except, that I'm sorry."

"What the hell were you thinking? Didn't you notice it was me?" By the look on her face he knew she didn't. "God, you could have attacked anyone." He wasn't sure if he was more scared that she had incapacitated him so easily, that she had done it without even meaning to, or that she could have done it to any guest at the hotel. He shook his head and rubbed the spot again. "Why are you even out here? Where are going?"

"I couldn't sleep. I'm too wound up," she started.

"You think?"

She sighed heavily. "I was going to go for a walk. Why are you out here?"

"I couldn't sleep either. I went down to get a cup of coffee," he told her as he gestured to the spilt cup on the floor.

She bent down and picked it up. "I'm sorry. I'll get you another cup."

"Forget about it. I'm just glad it was me and not some poor unsuspecting guest."

"Yeah, definitely better to attack some poor unsuspecting agent. I don't know what got into me."

"Thinking about tomorrow get you back into old habits?"

She gave him her best apologetic look. "I guess. That's why I'm going to take a walk. I need to try and clear my head."

"Want some company?" he asked and finally smiled at her.

"Sure," she told him with a smile.

They walked outside together and started down the street. "Is it Wyatt that has you so worried?"

"I think so. I got to thinking about the past, and I was beating myself up for not being to calm and focus like I used to be able to."

"Things change when you have kids." He definitely knew the truth to that.

She nodded. "I don't see how you can do your job as well as you do being a parent. I can't even seem to be able to handle the night before the job."

"Being a parent makes me want to do my job better."

"Ah, yes. Make the world a safer place for your son."

He nodded. "For everyone's sons and daughters."

"You were out before you ever had Wyatt. I assume you didn't want to do your job once you had a family, was that your plan, or did family just happen once you were out?"

"I never thought about family while I was working. Once I left, though, the thought came up. Then I met Collin, we eventually married and later had Wyatt. I was never happier. I never missed the job."

Working, the job, once I got out, she never even hints to what she did. "Why did you quit?"

She turned and smiled at him. "That's part of a longer conversation." She rubbed her hands together and mentally kicked herself for not bringing her gloves.

He grabbed her hands and surrounded them with his own. His bigger hands completely enveloped hers; she smiled as she felt the warmth. "I will keep you to your promise of telling me all about it," he told her as she turned to start walking again. He smiled again as he realized she was going to keep holding his right hand with her left. She stuffed her right hand it her coat pocket.

They walked silently for a moment, and he could tell she was thinking. She glanced at him out of the corner of her eye. "What if what you find out changes everything you think about me?" she asked softly.

"Well," he started. "I think I might have some idea about what you have done. The whole, almost chopping my head off with your hand thing, kind of gives me an idea," he told her with a laugh as he rubbed the still throbbing spot.

She laughed, too, but hers was more from embarrassment. "Yeah, I guess I have dropped a few hints." She felt him shiver. He hadn't planned on going out, so he didn't have his coat on. "We better head back," she told him as she started to turn.

He pulled her to a stop. In the dim street lights he couldn't really make out her face. "Are you sure you're going to be ok with tomorrow. We can do it without you."

She didn't want to tell him about her feeling of dread, about her feeling that she had to be there to protect them – to protect him, so she gave him a small smile. "I will be fine."

He stared at her a moment, then nodded and led her back to the hotel still holding her hand. Once they got to her door, she leaned up and gave him a kiss on the cheek. "Thank you. You seem to know exactly how to make my nights better," she told him with a smile. She turned to unlock her door.

"Kahlan." She stopped and looked at him. He put a hand on her chin and studied her eyes. He tilted his head down and let his lips embrace hers. It was a slow, passionate kiss. No lust or tongues, just sweet passion. She moaned as his lips withdrew. "Sleep tight," he told her softly, smiled, and walked down the hall.

She watched him leave and sighed as she opened her door. Like I'll be able to sleep now! Thanks, Aaron! She shook her head as she went to get ready for bed.

XXX

Kahlan moaned as she shut off her alarm. She smiled as she realized she had actually slept pretty well. Apparently lying in bed and thinking about Aaron Hotchner led to sleep full of pleasant dreams. She smiled again as she got up and got ready. As she walked down to the little room where breakfast was being served, she still had the feeling of dread in the back of mind, but she felt calm – ready. It was only 7:00, but she wasn't surprised when she saw the most of the team already in the room. They were also several other hotel guests enjoying their meals, so nothing of the days plans was being discussed. Kahlan made herself a cup of hot tea and joined Rossi at a little table.

Rossi was enjoying a plate of scrambled eggs and bacon. He gave Kahlan a warm smile. "Hey, you sleep good?"

What exactly do you know, Dave? "Yeah, eventually. You?"

"Like a baby," he told her and took a drink of his coffee.

Hotch walked in, nodded to the team, and made himself a cup of coffee. He joined Rossi and Kahlan with a smile.

"What the hell happened to you?" Rossi asked as he noticed the bruise just sticking out of the top of Hotch's undershirt.

"Don't ask," he told him plainly.

Rossi shot Kahlan a look. "That your fault?" Kahlan moaned and her eyes went to the cup in her hand. He reached over and pulled Hotch's shirt down to get a good look at the damage. There was three inch bruise emitting from the little 'V' at the base of Hotch's throat. Rossi shook his head and looked back at Kahlan. "You do know we're on your side, right?"

"It was an accident," she entreated.

"Well, damn, I'd hate to see what it would look like if it was done on purpose!"

Kahlan put her hand over her eyes and shook her head. "I told him I was sorry," she admitted.

"It's fine," Hotch assured her with a smile.

"Remind me never to piss her off," Rossi joked.

Hotch laughed. They spent another thirty minutes or so in the breakfast room and then they all went to their rooms to prepare to leave. Kahlan was one of the first ones waiting by the SUVs. As the team slowly trickled out of the hotel, she noticed that the only one who wasn't dressed for the occasion was Blake. Kahlan had to remind herself that the woman was a teacher and a linguist. She'll be in the car approaching on the road anyway, so it doesn't matter that she's wearing a white shirt. Everyone else was appropriately dressed in dark colors to help cover their approach. Thank god there're only a few spots left with snow! They all climbed in the SUVs and headed to the station to wait for the sheriff and the deputies. They had decided to meet up there to go over the plan one last time and then head out to the staging area, about six miles away from the Holt place and out of view.