i may not be able to add as frequently for the next two weeks, as i've got a 'skills challenge' at school for the next two weeks and i've got to start packing up my house so i can move in a few weeks, but i'll hopefully still add at least once a day!
360 Toms POV
I stared at myself in the mirror, trying to stare until I burst into flames, or just dropped dead. I couldn't stand my face anymore, I couldn't stand my own body anymore, I was truly disgusting and nightmare worthy. My body was all weird angles, sticking out bones and scars. I was covered in cuts and scars, my arm and thighs looking like beacons to people, like they were screaming 'I'm a freak who hates himself' because that was what I was, a freak who hated himself. I hated everything about me, I was ugly and disgusting, and my personality didn't redeem me either. It was just as bad, rendering me completely loveless.
It was any wonder that Danny managed to pretend to like this thing. I mean, just look at me, I looked like I had crawled out of some dark recess of the earth, with my huge chin and bones that stuck out, stupid tattoos and greasy long hair. I needed surgery to get rid of this cr*p, serious, intense, surgery. Would I be loved then if I got surgery? Would people like me if I changed myself? No, they won't, they never will. You're too much of a freak, you'll always be a freak. I whimpered, of course no-one would, who would like this? A stupid and worthless deformed man with a silly little childish personality, who could occasionally push out a song, that had to be reworked by his band mates over and over until it sounded like someone with talent had written it.
Footsteps started on the stairs and I scrambled to pull my jeans and jumper back on, trying to hide my body before Carrie got too horrified and left too. "hey, what are you doing up here?" Carrie asked, opening the door just as my jumper finished covering what I called a stomach. "nothing, nothing, just, nothing." I answered quickly, I wasn't doing anything, just reminding myself why I was unworthy of love from anyone. "alright, er, wanna come downstairs and do nothing with me then?" Carrie suggested, I shook my head, I didn't want her to see me, didn't want to make any noise. I just wanted to pretend that to the rest of the world I didn't exist, that was it, I didn't want to exist anymore. "oh come on, come with me, we'll have a Star Wars marathon or something." Carrie managed a smile, coming in and taking my hand. It was so warm, so soft, like Dannys, only smaller and less freckly. My hand looked so frail in hers, like if she held it any tighter, my hand would snap in two. She is only trying so you don't try to run away again.
"I-I don't want to." I whispered, good boy, don't be a child. "please, you're worrying me being up here by yourself." Carrie pleaded, tugging on my hand. "I'm fine." I lied, pulling my hand out of hers. I was anything but fine, I wanted to crawl into a hole and cry, and never come back out again. I hated myself, for being so stupid to believe all the lies that people had told me over the years, for looking like I did, for forcing Danny into loving me. I should have never believed him when he said that he loved me that day, I just had because I had been so desperate for some type of affection, the type no-one had ever given me before. Before Danny, I had never had a boyfriend, I had never had anything like that. Just parents that hated me and a sister who stuck around because I was the only one of the family left. That was all I had, no friends, no family, no lovers. Turns out that my friends and boyfriend were lies to, I was back to nothing again. You can't have anything, you're not worth it.
"you're not fine, you're crying, whats up?" Carrie made me notice the tears falling, messing up the make up I had put on earlier on. "I-I'm fine." I tried to lie, it wasn't going to work this time, was it? "no, you're not. Whats up? Still upset with Danny?" Carrie made me want to cry even more, reminding me of the night I saw him with the others, saying he loved them. And Harry telling him that they had always loved him and they always would. They had been together since the beginning, only brought me along because they had to, and they felt sorry for me.
"oh Tom, come here, its okay. We'll sort it out, just let him come over and you can talk this all out." Carrie sighed, giving me sympathy filled eyes. She thinks you're pathetic. "I-I don't want to." I whimpered, I wanted to talk so bad, but I couldn't. I couldn't be lied to again, falling for the 100th time for these lies. I was nothing, I wasn't worthy of love and affection, I couldn't have it anymore! But it still hurt so much to know that it was a lie, a complete lie. I didn't know what stung more, knowing that I really, really shouldn't be given love, or the fact that I was being lied to. "okay, okay, you don't have to talk. But, you still have to socialise, come on, come with me instead of being in here, tearing yourself to pieces. I have something to make you feel better." Carrie gently pulled me downstairs, giving me one of those antidepressants I had been avoiding like the plague. "they'll make you feel better, I'm sure. Now what do you want to do?" Carrie gave me a smile again. Be quiet, don't you dare take over her day.
"don't leave me, please, help me to be quiet." I begged, I just wanted someone to stay with me, and to be quiet. I needed to be quiet, maybe I could be quiet enough that when I was around people they wouldn't know I was there.
361 Dannys POV
I sighed when Carrie phoned, telling me that Tom wasn't coming round, he was too upset to come out. "alright, want me to come over there then? See if I can cheer him up?" I asked, wanting to do something, I felt useless just sitting here. "no, no don't come round. We'll be fine." Carrie declined, no sounds of another human in the background, just the TV. So, was Tom crying? Was he sleeping after crying? Had he cried at all? I hated not knowing, it was a horrible feeling, and knowing that I couldn't help him without making him worse was terrible. I needed to know and in some way help Tom out! I loved him, so much, I couldn't stand not being able to help Tom out.
"well, whats Tom doing now then? I wanna know." I asked, needing so badly to know. "he's watching TV and drawing, he's fine. I think his antidepressants are working." Carrie explained, what, huh? "wait, what antidepressants?" I sat up a bit. "the ones the hospital gave him that you guys haven't been giving him. I gave him one to help him out because he was low. Now look, I have to go, Tom needs a hug and some company." Carrie answered, hanging up. "but-" I protested, being met with the dial tone. D*mn it.
I smacked my head against the table, wanting to go over and hug Tom and make him feel better. "Dan, it'll get better soon. Carries looking after him, so its okay." Harry comforted me, rubbing my back. "but he's so upset and I can't do anything!" I moaned, I just wanted to go over and hug Tom close, tell him that I would make sure everything would turn out okay, and he was loved. "Carrie has it under control, I'm sure. And you'll be able to help soon too, once you've managed to sort everything out." Harry reassured, as my phone vibrated. I rushed to pick it up, seeing it was Carrie.
'I'll text you later, you can come round once I've got him asleep if you want.' The text read, thank god for that! At least I could see Tom, check to see if he was alright, even if he was sleeping, I didn't care. As long as I got to see him, and look after him in some way, it didn't matter. As long as I saw Tom with my own eyes, made sure that he was sleeping, calm in some way. I smiled, I couldn't wait for this!
So, I waited eagerly for my phone to vibrate, Carries text to come through and tell me I could see my boyfriend. I knew Tom wasn't exactly my boyfriend right now, but I still referred to him as my boyfriend, I would go crazy if I couldn't refer to him as my boyfriend. It took hours, literal hours, it was so far into the evening when finally, Carrie sent me a text. I was over to Toms house within seconds, desperate to see Tom, see with my own eyes that he was okay. Carrie led me to Toms room, and the sight I was met with the adorable. Tom was laying on the floor again, curled up in a ball under his Disney blanket, and finally, finally his toys were back. The toys surrounded him, facing all the doors and windows, placed strategically around his weak frame, his own little army protecting him from bad dreams and the monsters hiding in the dark.