FLOYNTERxxx - thanks! i like adding in flashbacks to show how everything was going before all of this happened, and why i'm working on some more SA's from the past in this! :)
376 Dannys POV
Eventually, I went back to my own house, leaving Harry and Dougie to cuddle by themselves, they seemed to be in a coupley happy mood today. I was happy for them, at least two of us were in love and happy right now. I missed Tom so much right now, missed having his hand in mine, his body heat radiating onto me, the actual fact I had someone to talk to when he was around. He may not have replied all the time, and Tom may not have really given me a proper conversation without me worrying about him, but, at least I could talk to him, look at him, and be with him.
Maybe I could go and see how he was now, I could do that, couldn't I? Yeah, I could probably go and do that, it wouldn't be too bad, right? Just to turn up and see how things were going over at Toms, he was upset earlier, it wouldn't be too weird. So I diverted to Toms house, knocking on the door and waiting for Carrie to open. "hi, er, I was wondering, can I see Tom? Is he alright, he was pretty upset earlier." I asked as Carrie opened the door. "he's fine, upstairs in his room last time I checked, he's song writing so I wouldn't bother trying to disturb him if you want to keep all your limbs." Carrie joked a bit, smiling exactly like Tom did when he made a funny joke.
"oh, okay. Probably not best to see him then. Is he okay? Has he cheered up at all?" I chewed on my nails, I seemed to ask that question a lot, but I couldn't help it, it was Tom. I had to ask about Toms wellbeing constantly. If I couldn't be there to know what was going on with him, then I needed to ask someone who knew. Carrie was the only one who knew what was going on with him at night, I had to ask her, just to stay at least a little sane.
"yeah, bit down, got him talking a little about it. Which is a start. But I thought it was better if he got it out in a song it would be more therapeutic for him." Carrie explained, she knew her brother so well, I was glad. Without her, we would be at a total loss. "good thinking. Oh, by the way, I've had a bit of an idea on how to get him to believing that I love him, so I don't suppose that you could send Tom round tomorrow? So I can try again at sorting this out and turning things back to normal." I smiled a little, getting melodies starting to form inside my head already.
"yeah sure, I'll send him over as soon as you need him. Whats the excuse I'm using?" Carrie leant against the door. "say we're song writing, and I want to write with him for a while." I answered, hoping to god this plan worked, I didn't want to have another day of not having Tom in bed with me, him apparently hating my guts because of a stupid mistake.
"alright, I'll send him over. Oh by the way, do you want me to send him over after having taken his medication or not? It might help keep him from flying off the deep end if it doesn't work." Carrie had a point there, should we let him over without it or not? "er, better make him take it, just in case. I don't want another pass out on my hands." I sighed, not really wanting to see Toms face as he panicked and freaked out. I didn't want to have to think about it. I would have hated it if he freaked out and passed out again, it was so painful to see.
377 Toms POV
I tried to be perfect
But nothing was worth it
I don't believe it makes me real
I thought it'd be easy
But no one believes me
I meant all the things I said
If you believe it's in my soul
I'd say all the words that I know
Just to see if it would show
That I'm trying to let you know
That I'm better off on my own
I sighed, that was all I had so far, I quite liked it to be honest, it perfectly expressed my emotions right now. I felt so, so low right now, almost rock bottom, all because of that shoot. It brought so many worries back, so many thoughts about myself, remembering how ugly I was. Remembering? How did you forget? I didn't exactly forget exactly, I just, had had other things on my mind, so I wasn't thinking about how I looked. What, like the fact that Danny has left you, without even telling you? Just went off and had an affair? Yes, that, thank you voice inside my head for reminding me of the worst night of my life. Don't mention it.
I shoved it to the back of my mind, paying more attention to my song, trying to mould it perfectly, not that anyone was going to see it. I was never showing anyone any of my songs ever again, I didn't want anyone to see them. They would laugh at them, say they were unusable and too depressing to even be shown again. Also, these were my private emotions, I didn't want anyone looking through my lyric book, it had everything in there, all my songs, most of my drawings. The rest were on my sketch pad, each one more depressing and stupid than the last, all reminding me of the fact that I didn't have a boyfriend anymore, and all my attempts to be better weren't worth it.
This place is so empty
My thoughts are so tempting
I don't know how it got so bad
Sometimes it's so crazy
That nothing can save me
But it's the only thing that I have
If you believe it's in my soul
I'd say all the words that I know
Just to see if it would show
That I'm trying to let you know
That I'm better off on my own
On my own
whoa, all of a sudden, I had another bit written, it didn't even seem like I was writing anymore, it was just flowing out of me, getting rid of all this horrid pain. My chest was currently cracked open, my heart falling out, beating almost painfully whenever I saw Danny, Harry and Dougie. Knowing that all their words, all their hugs, everything, was a lie, it hurt so much I could have screamed. I was in so much pain, so, so much pain. Knowing they were out there, probably having sex right now, or at least with each other, laughing, joking, not even giving a care in the world that they had destroyed me. I knew none of them cared, why would they? It wasn't like I was actually wanted around here, I should have just gone, but the likelihood of me getting out of here was actually nil right now. You should still go. I know, but I couldn't. I had to stay, so they wouldn't be found out. And, I sort of liked playing shows, and staying in my house, with Carries company.
"hey, I thought I would come up, see how you are." Speak of the devil, Carrie turned up, sitting down next to me. "I'm fine." I whispered, realising my voice was quite croaky right now. "good, hows the song going?" she asked, nodding to my lyric book. "alright, almost done." I scribbled down the last bit, finishing the song. Feeling a little better because of it. Carrie went through the normal questions, was I feeling better, was I going to show her it, did I want to go and hang out with her now? The answer to the last two were no, as usual. I didn't want to show her this, it was my little thing, that I didn't want to show anyone else, didn't want them to worry about me. I was fine, just needed to get my feelings out through songs, drawing and cuts.
My legs were currently burning, so much of them had been cut up, I was running out of plasters now, but I still wanted to cut more. I always did, I never wanted to stop. So you can get away from this world, you shouldn't be here. "Danny wants you to come round tomorrow by the way. He's doing some writing of his own and he wants to do some with you." Carrie suddenly came out with, putting her hand on my knee for some reason. "he does? Oh, okay." I sighed, I didn't want to go round, looked like I had to though. "it'll be fun, you never know what could happen." Carrie smiled, but I didn't want to believe her.
I tried to be perfect
It just wasn't worth it
Nothing could ever be so wrong
It's hard to believe me
It never gets easy
I guess I knew that all along
If you believe it's in my soul
I'd say all the words that I know
Just to see if it would show
That I'm trying to let you know
That I'm better off on my own
the song is Pieces - Sum 41 :)