378 Dannys POV
I was writing long into the night, desperate to let Tom know just how much he meant to me. I wanted to make him know that I wasn't going to let him go, that I was there, right behind him, all the way. I wasn't going to let him fall and crash, he was staying upright, and I was going hold him up if he needed it. In the end, I was up until 3am, getting back up at eight, making sure I had enough time to get everything ready before Tom arrived.
I spent over two hours cleaning up the whole house, making sure it was spotless, that there wasn't a speck of dust, or thing out of place. Tom never really minded mess, that was Harrys thing, but I wanted to make sure the house looked nice, so I looked like a better person. In Toms mind I probably looked like a horrible person, a cheater, a liar. I wanted to change that round again, make him realise that I was a nice person, that loved him so much.
It took me so long to then sort out what I wanted to wear, did I wear a suit to look smart? Or jeans and tshirt so Tom wasn't put on edge straight away. Maybe jeans with a casual shirt, and a blazer? Could that work? And did I wear my shoes, even though we weren't going out? Or would he run? Oh I didn't know! I hadn't had this kind of problem since our first date all those years ago!
Flashback April 20th 2007
I ran back and forth in my bedroom, trying desperately to find a decent outfit to wear. It was our first date, the most important date. We may have known each other for years, but I still wanted to make a good first impression as a boyfriend, that I could be sensible and loving. 'First Date' by Blink 182 starting playing on my iPod dock, oh my GOD this was not happening! Just rub it in that I was so nervous and didn't know what I was doing.
I hadn't really been on dates before, I didn't really have any proper relationships before this, I had no idea what to do! Tom was going to laugh at me at this rate, I was going to look ridiculous and inexperienced. Tom had probably had been on so many formal things, so he knew what he was doing, he was probably so cool right now. This was not normal! Suddenly, my phone buzzed, I picked it up, a text from Tom. The worst ran through my mind, he wasn't cancelling, was he? 'I'll be over in a few minutes, hope you're ready! X' Tom had written, it wasn't 7.30 already was it? It was! D*mn! D*mn! D*mn! I was nowhere near ready, still standing here in my boxers, my bedroom covered in my clothes, my hair looking a complete mess! Panic set in, but why was I worrying? This was Tom, he knew me! But, he couldn't think that I was going to be an awful boyfriend!
The doorbell rang and I almost screamed, scrambling to open the door, finding Tom standing there. His eyes widened a little when he saw my state of dress, but they soon recovered. He looked beautiful, dressed in his red skinny jeans, a shirt, tie, and a blazer, his faithful Converse on his feet. His blonde hair was styled high and spiky like usual, bright and blonde, I wanted to faint. "I-I'm sorry, I was trying to decide what to wear and it just fell to pieces. I didn't realise the time, I started this two hours ago and I'm still only in my boxers and you look so beautiful. You probably think I'm a complete tw*t, please don't think that if we start dating properly it will be like this! Its just nerves-" I babbled, being cut off by Tom kissing me.
"its okay, you're being yourself. Its a first date, I would be lying if I said I wasn't nervous. So stop worrying will you, before you start shaking!" Tom offered as explanation, thank god he was so kind and understanding. "erm, I kinda already am." I blushed, realising that my hands were shaking. "aw, look, do you want to take the pressure off and just order a pizza and watch a movie here?" Tom made me sigh in relief. "you sure? Cause, its our first date, can't be too like normal, can it?" I asked, wanting him so badly to say he wanted to stay here. "Dan, on Harry and Dougies first date, they spent the evening playing videos games, and beating the hell out of each other. I think we'll be fine." Tom smiled a breath taking smile, failing to mention that they hadn't been able to go out because Dougie was too young to get in anywhere apart from the cinema. "alright, come in, make yourself comfy, I'll get dressed." I let Tom in properly, breathing out a deep breath, feeling like this could actually go alright.
Flashback end
I eventually decided on a pair of skinny jeans, a casual shirt and a blazer, trying to look casual, but quite smart too. I even styled my hair properly, so it wasn't fluffy or frizzy, or looking stupid. Now all I could do was wait, and hope to god Tom liked it, and believed me, and stayed long enough to let me get through this!
379 Toms POV
I must have spent two hours making myself look normal, not like I had been crying most of the night, that I wasn't disgusting and hated, or that it at least didn't bother me. "Tom! Are you ready yet?" Carrie called, making me jump. "yeah, give me a few minutes!" I shouted back, finishing fixing my hair, pulling on my boots before running downstairs.
Carrie met me downstairs, smiling nervously, why was she looking like that? "now, before you go out, take this, please." Carrie handed me a bottle of water and a pill. I sighed, not wanting to take medication, but, I guessed I had to. Because you're a freak. Quickly, I swallowed it and the water, thanking my lucky stars that Carrie didn't check if I swallowed it or not. "right, time for you to get moving, Dannys waiting for you! See you later, good luck!" Carrie hugged me and almost pushed me out of the door.
I trudged down the road, not really wanting to go out, but having to anyway, reaching Dannys house with a whimper. My arms started crawling as I knocked on the door, every single nerve in my body telling me to run away now and hide, to not do this, because it was going to end up with me in so much pain. I really didn't want to be here anymore, and I hadn't even gotten inside the house yet! Inside, I had a feeling that this wasn't going to be a day of song writing, I had a feeling that we were going to be 'talking' again, and it wasn't going to stop, not until I believed that Danny loved me. Why was everyone so desperate for me to be in a 'relationship' with Danny? Clearly neither of us wanted to be in it, why did everyone want me to be in one with him? I didn't get it. Probably never would either.
"hey! Thanks for coming over! Come in!" Danny grinned nervously, I shuffled inside, noticing that it was almost unnaturally tidy in here. And that Danny was dressed quite smartly for a song writing day, usually the dress code was tracksuit bottoms and pyjamas, oh god, what was he up to?! "don't just stand there! Sit down, make yourself comfy!" Danny sounded so jumpy, practically pushing me down on the sofa, I slid to the floor, not feeling comfortable on a sofa. Because you shouldn't sit on sofas. Especially not your exboyfriends, who's clearly up to something. He was defiantly up to something, he was too jumpy to be innocent.
He's making you believe you're loved again. Don't believe a word he says. I wasn't going to, I never would. "now, I need to talk to you Tom first, because we do need to talk. Don't run, please, don't run." Danny spoke up, pushing me down as I started getting up. "there's nothing to talk about. Just songs." I stood my ground, putting up the mental walls that hopefully blocked out emotions. "no, please, just listen to me. I'm begging you." Danny pleaded, holding onto my chin, making me face him. Get his hand off that thing you call a chin now!
I shoved his hand off, making to get up. "no! Please, Tommy, stay!" Danny grabbed me back again. "if you're just going to talk to me, then let me go home. I don't want to hear it." I growled, shoving his hands off. "okay, okay, we'll just do some song writing instead then." Danny thankfully gave up, "I have a song, if you want to hear it." He continued, not making another move to touch me. "fine, play it." I sighed, holding onto my knees, looking at my shoes. "thank you. Its inspired by you, by the way." Danny managed a smile, grabbing his acoustic guitar, starting to play.
When you're falling, you're crashing
When your fire has turned to ashes
When you're screaming, your heart is bleeding
When you're feeling like there's no reason
I won't let you go
No, I won't let you go
Cause when you're all alone
And there's cold
And there's no one to hold
When you're feeling lost
And there's no where, no where to go
When you're feeling sad don't forget you can reach for my hand
When you're feeling bad, just remember
I won't let you go
I won't let you go (won't let you go)
I won't let you go (won't let you go)
When you're torn down
When you're messed up
Don't you give in, no don't you give up
When you're drowning and you're fading
Always know that I'm always waiting
And I won't let you go
No, I won't let you go
When you're all alone
And there's cold
And there's no one to hold
When you're feeling lost
And there's no where, no where to go
When you're feeling sad don't forget you can reach for my hand
When you're feeling bad, just remember
I won't let you go
I won't let you go (won't let you go)
I won't let you go (won't let you go)
Remember
Remember
Remember
When I said forever
I know that I meant forever
And I won't let you down
I can always be found
I'll be always around.
When you're all alone
And there's cold
And there's no one to hold
When you're feeling lost
And there's no where (no where!)
When you're feeling sad don't forget you can reach for my hand
When you're feeling bad, just remember
I won't let you go (la da di da ra da ra da…)
I won't let you go (la da di da ra da ra da…)
I won't let you go (la da di da ra da ra da…)
I won't let you go…
Half way through, I wanted to cry, and by the end I was in tears. In actual tears, this couldn't be happening! That was not written about me! Danny did not want to not let me go! He was not in love with me! He did not want to protect me! "no, no! Don't, just shut up!" I cried, standing up, needing to get out of here! "Tommy, please, I love you, I honestly do! That song was about you, I swear, because I want to protect you. I want to be the one you love, the one I can look after. I said forever, I meant it." Danny stood up too, putting down his guitar, reaching for me. Don't trust him! You can't trust him! Its a pure lie!"no! Its not possible! You can't! I'm worthless, and you're perfect, this can't be true!" I shouted, running out the house, running down the road. Away from Danny and his lies, away from the song! But it was stuck in my head! Its not true, he's lying!
I burst through the front door, running as fast as possible past Carrie, slamming the door to my bedroom, locking myself in before Danny or Carrie got to me. Its all a lie, a pure lie! You are not loved, the song is not true, its all a lie! You can't be loved! You're worthless you are not able to be loved! But why was is getting harder and harder to believe that?! Why was this so hard to believe?!
My head exploded with emotion, making me feel like I was going to explode. Everything was closing in on me, crushing me. I scrambled for my razor blade, needing to feel everything go away and fade into blackness. Before I knew it, I was on the floor, digging the razor as far as possible into my arm. Dig deeper, go on, dig deeper. I did, digging in as deep as possible, feeling myself relax, the emotions flowing out of me as darkness fell over me, just as the door opened.