Chapter one: The Bovine Lords.
"First things first," Robert thought to themselves. Wouldn't it have been funny if they had said 'I'm the realest' after that? You see, the joke is that Robert is both quoting Iggy Azalea, the ninth slot on my list of least favorite people, and Robert is as a matter of fact not real, he is a rubber chicken. Also, just a heads up, Robert is completely non-binary since rubber chickens are inanimate objects with no gender, internal organs, or life at all. This story is completely fictional and that's why it's funny. We're all having a laugh about this.
Anyway, Robert was speeding down whatever highways exist in the "northern Washington area" or wherever the hell Squeaks lives, I don't keep track of that sort of thing, on their way to bust the infamous crime group The Bovine Lords, led by the one and only The Bovine Menace. The Bovine Lords, apparently made up of "a bunch of teenage mutant ninja turtles but like cows instead of turtles," have their base of operations in an infamous nightclub known as Connie Cow's Dairy Mart (they also run several more illegal things there). According to rumor, The Bovine Lords, specifically the leader The Bovine Menace, have ties to The Legitimate Illuminati Like No Joke That's Us, Worst Secret Society in the World, worst secret society in the world. No matter what the truth is, Robert of all people know he has to put a stop to it.
Soon after some unimportant events, Robert Dickens, Rubber Chicken arrived at the nightclub and walked to the door, only to be stopped by the large bouncer at the front. "Woah, I'm gonna need to see some ID there, kid"
Robert paused for a moment, saying "Hay there man, don't be a foal and try to horse around with me here, I'm no minor and there's now cow-bts (like cow doubts lmao) about it."
The bouncer sighed at how shitty those puns were and how a living, breathing human being sat down and thought those out, all the while holding a shit-faced grin and giggling. "Just show me your identification, please," he said to Robert.
Robert pulled his ID out of his pocket, which was difficult seeing as Robert has neither pants nor arms. The chicken was let in and soon decided to get to work. (nothing important really happens right now, just imagine rap music or some type of coolk1d electro raver music and a bunch of faces you would see in a night club. Human faces, not cow faces, but we'll get to that.)
Robert looked around. In the corner of the nightclub, he saw a carving of a triangle inside a giant eyeball, the well-known symbol of the Legitimate Illuminati Like No Joke That's Us, Worst Secret Society in the World. Of course, Robert made his way towards the door next to it.
Upon entering, Robert felt cold. The hallway that the door led into was very metallic looking and creepy, the kind of place you look into and just feel cold, even if it's really hot. The kind of place you'd wear your winter jacket in for the first hour and half until you finally get comfortable, like the inside of an 18 wheeler truck or my great aunt's house.
Suddenly, two large cow-men jumped seemingly out of nowhere to stop Robert! "You better get a moo-ve (like cow noise (moo) plus move lmao) on or we're going to crush you for sure, Robert!" they yelled at him.
Subtly pulling a gun out of his pocket, Robert said "look, I don't want any beef between us, just tell me where The Bovine Menace is."
There was a low, moo-like chortle from one of the cow men. "You will die before you reach our king."
Quickly pulling the gun out all the way, Robert shot the pistol with a loud ka-blam. It hit one of the cow people directly in the chest. The cow-person fell to the ground, clutching their chest as some song played in the background as if it was a meme or something.
Robert, doing some cool kung-fu movie bs, runs up, skids across the wall, and kicks one of the humanoid cows in the face. To Roberts's surprise, the cow's entire head fell off! It took a minute for the two to process what had happened, but soon it had hit Robert that what he perceived to be a head was actually a huge mask! Where the mask used to be was a clearly human head.
"Foiled again!" the human man cried in his not deep not cow voice. Robert hit him in like the temple I guess with their gun, knocking the man in the cow-suit out. What a scrupulous protagonist Robert is.
Running down the hall a bit more, Robert found a door. When they had entered that door, they had found something even more interesting. The lair of The Bovine Menace!
There was a low, moo-like cackle sitting in a throne in front of Robert. "Aheheheh, we've been expecting you, Robert." A large creature, probably The Bovine Menace had said.
"I know what you're planning, The Bovine Menace, and I'll stop you!" Robert cried to him. "And I know you're not actually cows at all!"
The menace chuckled again. Getting up, The Bovine Menace revealed himself to be around eight and a half feet tall, though he was cloaked in tattered brown rags, and the rest of him could not be seen. It is assumed that The Bovine Menace would be a cow, or at least dressed like a cow, considering he leads a gang of cow-men, or at least people dressed like cows.
"Does this seem like something someone who isn't a cow could do?" The Bovine Menace asked, shooting a powerful jet of milk towards the chicken. Using their superior dexterity skills, Robert managed to jump out of the way before the insanely powerful jet of milk could hurt them.
"I dunno, The Bovine Menace, but I actually feel as though something otherthan a cow could have done that. Take off your rags!"
The Bovine Menace looked angered for a moment. Finally, he smirked and let out a bit of a gurgle like the sexy anime antagonists. Or just the sexy anime characters in general. I have seen like two animes, maximum. Like pokemon and attack on titan, that's about it. I'm judging this completely based on stereotypes, to tell the truth.
With the removal of his rags, The Bovine Menace revealed his true form to be a large, muscular bara/bishie/whatever term I'm looking for here, just imagine him being a lanky white guy with a six pack and like no other muscles. The Bovine Menace is obviously shirtless with his rags off, by the way, and is only wearing a tattered pair of milkman trousers as well as one of those milkman hats. Strapped to his back is a large capsule filled entirely with milk, with two hoses aiming from it as well. If Robert had a heart, it would have gone doki doki. Too bad Robert is literally a rubber chicken, that's an important detail to this story, so don't go and forget the fact that there is literally a rubber fucking chicken squeaking around and shit. Its head is probably facing the sky, isn't that how rubber chickens are built, it's a mystery how Robert can even see. They must have expert peripheral vision.
Robert gasped, "You're not The Bovine Menace! You're… Expert supervillain Mister Milky."
The Bovine Menace, now revealed to be supervillain Mister Milky, once again laughed. I guess he just finds everything to be funny. Must be a nice outlook on life. "Yes I am, and now—
It was too late. Robert interrupted with a shot to his milk jetpack on his back, and the whole thing blew up like every meme on tumblr. Come to think of it, how would a rubber chicken shoot a gun? I don't have a clue tbh.
Mister Milky looked up with is final breath. "We're planning something big, Robert. You thought The Bovine Lords were just crime lords? We're working with secret societies, man!"
Robert objected, "no, I know exactly what you guys are doing I don't care about petty crime."
"That's not true, there's one thing we know about and have done that you're unaware of, Robert."
"Oh yeah? Like what?"
Looking at the ceiling and finally dying for real this time, Mister Milky uttered his final sentence. "When's the last time you checked on your precious Squeakadeeks?"