Chapter 33

Hotch spent the rest of the night on the couch dozing off and on. He didn't really rest, but he didn't have any more nightmares, either. JJ showed up to take Jack to school, and Hotch piddled around the house until he thought it was late enough to go over to Kahlan's. As soon as he stepped out of his porch he could see her car was gone, so he moped back inside. God! She must be really pissed at me. He took out his phone and called her. She didn't want to stay on the phone, though, as she told him she was spending the day with her sister in Winchester. Shit! Make that extremely pissed, he thought as she hung up.

He heard his door being unlocked and he looked and saw Rossi come in. Shit! He wondered if she had called Rossi, but he dismissed the thought when he saw the jolly mood Rossi was in. Rossi came into the family room and his mood changed as soon as he studied Hotch's face. "You just going stand there looking at me, or are you going sit down?" Hotch asked him.

"You look like shit!"

"Thanks, Dave. Love you, too."

Rossi smiled thinly. "You need to get some rest, Aaron."

"I know, but my chest hurts too bad to sleep for very long," Hotch lied.

"Well, you just need to suck it up and take some of the damn pain pills I know you were given," Rossi told him seriously as he finally sat down. Hotch was about to protest. "Take them and sleep during the day, if you're worried about Jack. You'll never heal if you don't sleep."

"I know, I'm going to try tonight." Rossi gave him a look of disbelief. "I promise I'll take the pills tonight." Maybe they'll knock me out enough that I won't have fucking nightmares.

"You want me to take Jack?"

Hotch considered that. He didn't like the idea of the pills knocking him out so much that he couldn't hear Jack if he needed him. "Yeah, that actually sounds like a good idea."

"Good. Now that that's solved, we were thinking about throwing Kahlan a dinner at my house tomorrow night. You think you could get her there under the pretense of just us five having dinner?"

Hotch knew the five was Hotch, Jack, Rossi, Kahlan, and Wyatt; but he wasn't sure he could do it after making her mad. "She's in Winchester with her sister right now. I don't know when she's coming home."

Rossi eyed Hotch, but Hotch didn't give anything away, or so he thought.

"What did you do?"

"I didn't do anything. She fixed me and Jack dinner, we talked for a little while, and then she went home." It wasn't a lie. "She hasn't been able to spend a lot of time with her family since she's moved back. Damn, give her a break."

Rossi studied Hotch again. "Well, you need to find out if she'll be back."

"I'm going call her later, then I'll let you know."

Rossi knew there was more to it than that, but he let it drop.

"By the way, who do I have to thank for cleaning up my house?"

Rossi smiled. "Kahlan and I did it, and let me tell you, the next time you pour a bunch of sand all over the place, you can clean it up!"

Hotch laughed but made himself stop as his chest hurt. "Thank you. I was actually just going use the leaf blower and blow it into the grass."

Rossi's face brows furrowed. "That would have been an awesome idea." He smiled. "Where are your pills?"

"Why?"

"Cause you're going to take them. Jack won't be home for several hours. You have plenty of time."

Hotch sighed. "In on my night stand." Rossi got up to get them and a glass of water. He brought them back and watched as Hotch swallowed them. "Happy know?" Hotch asked him.

"I will be when you get your ass in that bed and try to get some sleep. I'll actually just grab Jack some stuff and pick him up from school, that way you have all day and all night to sleep those circles under your eyes away."

Hotch didn't want to argue with him so he got up to help get Jack's stuff together. Once Rossi had Jack's bag ready he stood there apparently waiting for Hotch to go to bed. "I'm not even tired right now," Hotch lied.

Rossi studied him some more. "Well, don't fall asleep on the couch. That won't help your ribs."

"I will go to bed as soon as I feel I can go to sleep."

"You better. It would be really easy to kick your ass right now," Rossi told him.

"Ain't that the truth," Hotch told him as they walked back to the family room. "Kahlan wants me to get Jack a dog." Rossi was surprised by that. "She said Wyatt would watch it while I'm away, but she wants me to have one so I don't get surprised in my house again."

"Well, she has a point there. Any dog would bark at a stranger. I know that guy would have never had gotten by Mudgie," he told Hotch seriously.

"Jack actually wants a lab," Hotch told him with a smile.

"Well, they're great dogs. Won't Jack be staying with Kahlan more and more while we're on cases, anyway?"

"It will probably come to that, but I don't want to rush anything." I have to get her over being mad, first!

Rossi nodded. He knew Hotch would never rush into anything, but he was a little worried he may take too long. "Well, you'll know when the time is right," Rossi assured him. He noticed Hotch was blinking a little too slowly, and he knew the meds were kicking in. "I'm gonna go. Call me if you need anything," he told him as he got up.

Hotch followed him to the door. "Thanks, Dave, for everything."

"No problem, Aaron. Try to get some sleep," he told him as he patted his shoulder and left.

Hotch sat back down on the couch and laid his head back. He was trying to think of something he could do to make it up to Kahlan. He knew he was being a stubborn ass, but he couldn't help it. He wasn't used to sharing his weaknesses with other people.

He ended up drifting off to sleep, but within a few hours his nightmares had him awake. He shook his head. He didn't know how he was ever going to survive not being able to sleep. He got up and tried to find something to do.

He was able to waste the day away with a little reading, a little TV, and little cleaning of Jack's room, and several other meaningless things. He tried calling Kahlan twice, but it went to voicemail both times. He mentally kicked himself for not being straight with her, but he got a little mad that she would act that drastically over one conversation. He shook his head. I'll never understand women! He was starting to realize why Rossi had been married three times.

Evening came and went, and he thought about taking a couple extra pain pills in hope that they would knock him out enough to actually sleep. His was getting up to get them, when his doorbell rang. He looked at the clock 9:47, and he wondered who it could be since no one had called to say they were coming over. He slowly walked to the door and was surprised to see Kahlan standing there.

"I know it's late, and I hope I didn't wake Jack, but I left my accidently left phone at my sister's, so I couldn't call first."

He moved to allow her to come in. "Jack's at Dave's. Where's Wyatt?"

"He stayed with Sandi. Can we talk?"

He sighed. "Sure." He led her to the table and sat down. She followed and turned a chair so she was sitting in front of him.

"Aaron, I spent a lot of time today thinking about our conversation last night."

"So have I."

"Well, I figured out what was wrong. What is wrong," she corrected as she studied his face. "I can think of only one thing that could stop you from sleeping, and I think you should talk about it."

He knew she had figured it out. He looked at the floor for a few moments. "I'm sorry. I just couldn't tell you I was having nightmares. How childish is that? Nightmares for Christ's sake!"

"So you were having nightmares about the boogey man being under your bed?"

He gave her a weird look. "No!"

"Then what was it about?"

He sighed, but he described the tree and the children's bodies and how they children had called out to him.

"Yeah, I see what you mean. That is really childish," she told him flatly. "Is that the only thing you hallucinated about the whole time?"

"No. God no. Too many horrible things to even want to remember."

"But you've only dreamed about the kids?"

"Yes, every time I close my eyes I can see their dead faces, and I can never save them."

She swallowed the lump in her throat. She didn't like making him face his fears, but he had to or he would never get over them. "So because the father in you can't handle seeing dead children, it's haunting you."

"I guess."

"How many children have you lost?" His questioning look made her explain more. "How many kids have died because you weren't able to catch an unsub fast enough?"

He looked shocked. "I don't know. I've never kept track."

"Ten? Twenty? Forty?"

"I don't know," he told her and wondered if she was trying to be make him feel better or worse.

"Let's compromise and say it's twenty. How many children have you saved by catching those same unsubs?"

"There's no way to really count the ones that could have been hurt."

"Really? Cause I know of five boys you saved last month alone." She let that sink in. "And let's just say that every unsub that you all caught who had hurt children, would have at least hurt one more. That you saved just one child for every unsub you put away. How many kids do you think you've saved? 50? 100?"

He rubbed the back of his neck as he considered it. He didn't have exact numbers, but he was sure they had saved more than they had lost.

"Damn, every time you look at Wyatt you should be reminded of the great things you have done for children, Aaron."

He gave her a small smile. "Thank you."

"I told you I didn't have a problem pointing it out when people were wrong. I guess you didn't believe me," she told him with a smile. "But having nightmares is not something to be ashamed of, either. Do you tell Jack that he shouldn't have them, that he's weak if he does?"

"No. But Jack's not a grown man."

"No, but what do you do to help him get over them?"

"I talk. . . I see what you mean."

"Talking about them, helps them to go away, correct?"

"Yes, Ma'am," he said sheepishly.

She sighed. She knew he was a strong, proud man, but she had to let him know she could handle it if he wasn't. "Aaron, if you have any plans of us going any further, you need to know you can trust me. That you can let me in," she told him seriously as she knelt in front of him and took his hands in hers. "We can't have a decent relationship if you're willing to comfort me when I need it, but you won't accept comfort when you need it."

"I'm sorry. I'm not used to having someone I can share myself with. Other than Dave, I've never had someone I can talk to about the fears of my job, or the consequences of those fears," he told her and squeezed her hands as his eyes teared up.

"I realize this is new to you, and I know it will take some getting used to, but please don't shut me out. I may not always understand or always be able to help, but I will always listen. I promise to always listen," she told him tenderly and stood up and hugged his neck.

He hugged her waist and let himself cry a few tears. "What have I ever done to deserve someone like you?"

She pulled away from him and looked him in the eyes. "Don't you ever doubt your worth! You are an amazing man, Aaron Hotchner!" she told him seriously. Then a cocky grin spread on her face. "You deserve the best."

He chuckled at that. "You are definitely the best."

She leaned down and gave him a kiss. "Now let's go to bed." He raised his eyebrows. "Not for that, I told you, you have to be healed first. I am going to lay with you. Maybe my presence will keep the dreams at bay," she told him as she led him to his bedroom.

He smiled. She let him crawl into bed and she snuggled up beside him, careful to not hurt him. He wrapped his arm around her shoulder. It did feel good to have her with him, and within minutes he drifted off to sleep.