FLOYNTERxxx - thats okay, have fun on holiday!
404 Toms POV
My skin was crawling as everyone looked at me, I hated being looked at more than anything else in the world, why were they looking at me like that? Couldn't they go away now? Danny, Harry, Dougie and Tommy had made their point, could they leave me alone in my corner until home time now? "what do you say to it? Singing by yourself, of course we'll all still be there, but, what do you say to singing solo?" Danny smiled, using the kind, caring, nervous smile he always used. They don't want to sing, they know this song is terrible! They'll put the blame on your bad singing! Maybe that was for the best? So if everyone really did think it was bad, we could just blame it on my bad singing voice and never play it again, that could work, right?
"y-yeah, okay." I felt my insides tighten at the thought, knowing I was going to disgust everyone, with all the cameras pointing at me, documenting my failure. They'll brush it off as you being a pathetic singer, and ban you from singing ever again. That wouldn't be too bad, maybe at shows I could hide off stage, it wasn't like I was getting noticed at concerts anyway, maybe this would turn out to be a good thing in the end.
"okay, now that thats sorted, I think you should be getting back to playing. We'll do some singing practise tomorrow." Tommy thankfully stopped the conversation then, making everyone go back to their places. Danny went and sat on a sofa on the opposite side of the room, Harry sat at his drum kit, and Dougie sat on his chair next to Harry, all of which faced me. Could they just turn away, please? I didn't want to be looked at, or anything, could they just look away? I didn't like being looked at, or being in front of people, it wasn't right to put me in front of people anymore. There's nowhere to go though, you have to stay here.
I whimpered quietly, but shut up quickly as Isaac, who played piano for us, came up. "I-Is it alright if I sit here?" I whispered, not wanting to intrude too much, and give him a choice if he wanted to sit with me behind him. "no..." I could have told you that one was coming, get moving, go sit in a cupboard where you're not seen. "only kidding! Yeah, sit there, no worries man." Isaac laughed, sitting at the piano. He wasn't kidding, just saw your sad face and let you stay out of pity. I knew that, I would have moved anyway, but all the other corners either had junk in them or were occupied already. This was the only space left I could half hide in, pretend that I wasn't here.
Soon, Harry counted us in and we started playing again, and I let myself think that this song didn't sound too bad, almost exactly like it did inside my head. It was just as heavy as I wanted it to be, quiet when it needed to, exactly how I wanted it. You'll ruin it with your voice. Well, I would, but at least the backing track would sound alright, so it was half way to enjoyable. As long as you don't mess it up, like always. That was a point, was I going to get it right? Probably not, pressure and knowing there were cameras about never really worked in my favour.
As soon as I thought that, my fingers fumbled, completely making me lose track of where I was, my guitar making a horrible screeching sound. "sorry!" I stopped the screeching sound, seeing Danny staring at me out the corner of my eye, feeling everyones eyes on me. "sorry, I messed that up." I apologised again, tugging my fringe over my eyes, hiding my face, and the angry looks I was no doubt getting now.
"its alright, so, start from the beginning again?" Harrys voice was heard, then the sound of him counting us in, the piano starting again. But again, I got to the chorus, and completely messed it up, I did it again and again, either getting a chord wrong or completely messing it up. This is all your fault! You're going to mess up this whole performance! "I'm sorry, I'm sorry!" I held in the need to cry, my skin crawling and itching for sharp objects. My thighs were practically screaming at me, all I needed to do was grab my bag and run to the toilet, I could relieve the pressure, stop all this screaming and itching. But I couldn't! I didn't have enough plasters with me, I forgot about plasters! I would bleed too much and it would end up all over my jeans, and then it would be seen, and I would be kicked out of this band for having too many ugly scars. Uglier than your face you mean? Could that voice shut up?! I didn't even want to think about what everyone else was seeing, along with hearing, I just wanted to cut my thighs to shreds, stop this screaming, stop everything! Couldn't everything just stop?
"Tom, Tom, honey, are you alright?" Dannys voice came through, a hand resting on my shoulder. "yeah, fine!" I pushed out through gritted teeth, wanting to hear him say that he would sing this d*mn song and that we were going home. "you don't look it, want to leave this for now and go home? We can carry on tomorrow, when you're less tired." Danny thankfully said that, but ruined it by wrapping me into his arms, like I would want to hug him. Of course you do, you always want to hug him, even after he breaks your heart. Well he didn't need to know that, or encourage it! "right, we're going home, you need some rest." Danny sighed, picking me up, but let me go afterwards, letting me hurry to the car, jumping in it and clawing at my hair, needing to do something to tide me over until I was alone.
The car journey home felt like it took years, my whole body was trembling with need, I was going to explode if I didn't get my pain soon! Finally, finally we got home, I ran into my house before the car had even stopped, running straight past Carrie upstairs, grabbing my blanket on the way to the bathroom. "Tom? Whats up? Where are you going?" Carrie called, I ignored her, slamming the door shut and practically falling to the floor, scrambling wildly to get my trousers out of the way, pushing the blade into my thigh, feeling so much better afterwards. "Tom? What are you doing in there? Is everything okay?" Carrie sounded scared, but it barely registered, all I could think about was the razor, and how good it felt to have the release I needed so badly. "Tom! Please, answer me, what are you doing?" Carries voice came through the door again, the sound of the door knob being twisted actually registering inside my head. We're going to be found out. Was all the voice said as the door burst open, Carrie stumbling through and gasping loudly at the sight she saw.
405 Dannys POV
Tom had looked truly awful by the end of that, truly, truly awful. He had been so pale, so close to tears, looking like he wanted to tear himself apart, we couldn't let him go on like that, it would have been cruel to make him carry on. The poor guy didn't look any better now, curled up inside himself, shaking like he was in an earthquake, pulling at his hair. I wanted to pull him over to me, hold him in my arms and make him realise that it was okay, calm him down and make him realise that its okay to mess up a little. We all made mistakes sometimes, Tom was no different, he just tried so hard to be perfect at everything he did he couldn't take making even a little mistake.
It was torture sitting in the car, just watching Tom have a break down, or something, inside his own head, he battled with himself so much, how he wasn't hurting himself I don't know. He must have been so strong, or Carrie was just very good at calming the poor guy down, something I couldn't do. "it'll be fine Danny, stop worrying. Toms going to go home, and probably have a talk with Carrie, or do something with Carrie that will calm him down, and then go to bed. He'll be back on top form again tomorrow." Harry whispered in my ear, rubbing my arm gently. "I hope so, I really do. He's tearing himself apart." I whimpered, my whole body screaming to me to get Tom into my arms, to hold him until he was happy and calm, and maybe fast asleep too, so he could rest for a while, in the arms of someone who loved him so much, who would protect him from his demons.
"thats because he 'messed up' in the studio, tomorrow will be better, how about if we make a few 'mistakes' to make him feel like he's not the only one who makes mistakes? Will that make you feel better too?" Harry suggested, sometimes, he was a genius, I swear. "yeah, that could help. Thanks for the idea." I managed a smile, glancing at Tom as we pulled up to the house. The car hadn't even stopped and he was already out and running into his house, slamming the door. "okay...any idea what the hell that was? I haven't seen him move that quick in weeks!" Tommy looked confused, staring at the front door to Toms house. "erm, Tom just needs some alone time right now. He's very low at the moment." I sighed, wanting to follow the boy.
I would have followed him in a heartbeat, but knowing that we weren't together, and I was stupid enough to make him believe that I didn't love him, it was probably a very bad idea. It had been a risk just to go over and hug him earlier, I was surprised I didn't get my head bitten off for trying, but I guess Tom was just too upset to even think straight, if his head was actually recovered from his last hospital trip. "oh, alright. I pushed him a little too hard today, didn't I?" Tommy turned to face us, we nodded. "a little bit. Just be a little gentler, thats all." Harry advised, fiddling with Dougies headband, revealing just how worried he was.
"alright, cheers guys. Well, I think its time you lot all went to bed, its getting late." Tommy pushed us out the car, giving us an encouraging smile. "Danny, stop worrying too. You'll never get to sleep if you don't stop worrying." Tommy ruffled my hair, getting back into the car and driving off. "take that advise Dan, Carrie has this covered. Tom will be alright tomorrow, and just think, you hugged him today, thats a bit of progress." Harry encouraged. "yeah, I did, didn't I?" I felt myself smiling a little, having Tom in my arms, even just for a few seconds, had been heaven. Even though he had been almost in tears. He was still my Tommy, he felt the same as usual, maybe just a little skinner than usual, but still like my Tommy. Now if I could talk to him at some point, get through to him, maybe I would be able to hold him in my arms forever, make him forget all about this.