no comments but updating because of 13 views and in case someone does comment tomorrow while i'm out watching McFly at Kings Hill
406 Toms POV
"Tom! What the hell have you done?!" Carrie looked horrified, dropping down by my side, staring at my bloodied legs. "I'm sorry! I'm so sorry... I can't help it!" I whimpered, keeping hold on my razor, like it was the only thing keeping me holding on. "oh Tom, you've got to stop this! You're ruining yourself, worrying all of us." Carrie whispered, hesitantly putting her hands on me. You've terrified her, great job. "I'm sorry." It was all I could say, knowing I was now well and truly found out, and it was all my fault, I should have locked the door. "right, lets clean you up and then we'll talk about this, like you should have done in the first place. You shouldn't be doing this to yourself, you should be talking to us." Carrie grabbed a towel, not noticing I was still holding onto the razor, "this is going to sting, but, its got to be done." She warned, putting the towel gently against my leg, wiping away the blood.
She was right though, it stung like mad, like when I left them without putting a plaster over them, and ran around in jeans. It hurt so much, but it helped, helped get rid of the emotion I had been feeling before. Soon, most of the blood was gone, and the cuts stopped bleeding, revealing the hatred I had inflicted upon myself over and over again. "oh my god... how long have you been doing this for?" Carrie asked, her eyes wide. I shrugged, not really wanting to answer. "Tom, look at me, how long have you been doing this? It looks like a long time, you're covered!" Carrie was in tears, trying to bring my face to look at her. But, I couldn't look at her, I had made her cry, made her so upset, she wasn't supposed to find out about this. "Tom, please, tell me, how long? I'm not going to be mad, I just want to help." Carrie hugged me, I let her, wondering when she was going to give up on me.
I knew I was too much to handle, just a stupid f*ck up, who just messed up every single thing I ever tried to do. Ohhh you finally believe that, taken you a while to realise that, hasn't it? How long would it be before Carrie left me too? She would surely give up on me too, like our parents did, like Danny, Harry, Dougie, and basically every else did. She's going to give up, don't you worry, she's going to give up when she realises just how much work you are. Then you'll be all alone, just like you should be. "I don't want to talk about it." I whispered, really not wanting to talk about it. If I didn't talk about it, maybe Carrie wouldn't realise how much I messed up, and would stay. I just wanted someone to stay with me, thats all, I just wanted someone who liked me. Someone who didn't judge me, didn't cheat on me, didn't lie to me, someone like the person I had thought Danny was. Thats all, couldn't I just have that, even if it was just Carrie?
"you have to, please, just answer me... and put on some bandages, so they don't get infected." Carrie handed me a bandage, I obeyed, wrapping my leg in the white itchy fabric almost expertly. That was one thing I was good at, wrapping my leg up in bandages. "come with me, we'll go somewhere less... bloody, and change your jeans, they're covered." Carrie pulled me up by my hand, taking me to my wardrobe, making me change into my more comfortable pyjama bottoms, then taking me to the front room.
"now, come on, how long have you been doing this?" Carrie asked, sitting me in front of her, facing me square on. I squirmed, not liking it when I was looked at, especially with this amount of concern. "please, don't make me remember, I don't want to remember." I whimpered, not wanting to remember anything about this. "has it been a long time?" Carrie sighed, holding my hand, I still had the razor squeezed in the other. "yeah, quite long." I admitted, forcing myself to sit here and get this over with. I felt so guilty for doing this, I shouldn't have let myself be caught, I shouldn't have even started this, I couldn't stop now. Its your fault, don't let yourself be forgiven. I wasn't going to, I didn't deserve to be forgiven for doing this, I didn't want forgiveness, I just wanted Carrie to forget, or just not tell anyone. "don't tell anyone, please. Don't tell anyone." I pleaded, she probably would, Danny did. Just went and told everyone the next day, didn't even give me a chance to realise that he knew.
"I have to tell someone, the others have to know." Carrie sighed, squeezing my fingers. "no they don't. They don't have to know anything. This is my problem, leave them out of it." I warned, there was no way I letting Danny know, so he could act like he actually cared, and hover over me all day like I was completely incapable of looking after myself. "alright, we'll talk about that more tomorrow... now, spill, what started this off? How long did you actually last between your arm and your legs?" Carrie asked, giving me so concerned puppy eyes. I hissed, I hadn't even lasted a day. Only a few hours, from the morning when we decided it to stop until the evening, after the show. Thats all I had lasted, and I had pretended that I was a good little boy who was stopping, getting rewards when I should have never gotten a reward for not doing anything good. For the past 9 weeks, I had been getting rewards and praise, when I shouldn't have gotten any of it, I should have been severely punished for carrying on like this. My chest tightened at the thought, knowing that I shouldn't have gotten any of the rewards I got for 'stopping' I had lied to everyone for weeks, made them think I was being good, when I was still tearing myself apart.
"a few hours, I'm sorry, I can't stop, I know its wrong, but I can't stop, I just can't stop! Theres something wrong with me, theres got to be, theres something wrong! I need to stop this, but I can't! I should be punished for this, please don't forgive me, please don't forgive me! You can't forgive me, please don't forgive me!" a damn burst inside my chest, making me suddenly spill tears and words. I couldn't help it, just looking at Carries concerned gaze, and her hands squeezing my own made me burst, falling into her lap, unable to have the strength to pull back and leave her alone. I just felt so guilty for lying, for getting praise and rewards when I should have been punished terribly for slicing myself open. "I'm sorry! But its all so wrong! Its just so wrong! Its all my fault! Don't forgive me, please don't!" I cried, hugging her close, wanting to just scream that I was sorry. "okay, okay, shh, Tom, shhh." Carrie sighed, stroking my hair calmingly. "don't forgive me, please don't. Its wrong, don't forgive me." I begged, over and over, unable to say anything else. I couldn't say anything else for hours, until I ran out the little energy I had left. "I'm so sorry, don't forgive me." I whispered, before I managed to pass out, just wishing that I wouldn't be alone when I woke up in the morning. Like that night, two weeks ago, breaking my heart all over again.
407 Dannys POV
Tommy was right, I couldn't sleep through worry, I spent all night awake, pacing back and forth. I needed to know Tom was okay, he HAD to be okay! Carrie would have sorted him out, right? Carrie would have cheered Tom up, wouldn't she? And Tom would have had a sleep too, so he was more alert today, right? Oh I couldn't wait any longer! I had to see Tom! It was 9am anyway, Carrie at the very least would be awake! But... I should text her first, just to make sure everything was okay.
It took 10 painful minutes for her to reply, telling me that Tom was sleeping, that he had a bad night, and she didn't really want to talk about it, but she didn't want Tom going out today. I asked her why, and she replied that she just didn't think it was best to let him go out, that if we really needed to practise, to come round to theirs instead. I was in my shoes and out the door in minutes, managing just about to slow down at the door, and walk in calmly.
"how is he?" I whispered, creeping into the front room, find Carrie sat on the sofa, little Tom laying on her lap, curled up in his blanket, sleeping like she said. "well, sleeping to start off with, at last. It took a while, but, I got him there in the end." Carrie sighed, playing with the blanket, running her hand soothingly over her brothers shoulder. "what happened?" I asked, crouching down, wiping a hand over Toms cheek gently, it still looked a little blotchy from crying. "I can't say. I made a promise to not say a word." Carrie shook her head. "oh, can't you tell me at all? Give me a hint at least? Was it to do with yesterdays rehearsal?" I hated the fact that I wasn't the one in on the loop, the one who Tom was laying on, the one who helped him out. I would have given anything to be back to that place, so I could just tell Tom that I loved him, that I would keep him safe, make him happy.
"sort of about yesterday, but I can't say anything else apart from that." Carrie sighed again, couldn't she just tell me?! Surely I could know what was going on in Toms head! "d*mn, is it why you don't want him going out today?" I asked, Carrie nodded. "yeah, I don't want him going out today, I want him somewhere that I can keep an eye on him, that everyone can. And I don't want him somewhere that will stress him out." Carrie explained, giving me a slight idea on what happened. "he's cut, hasn't he?" to be honest, I wasn't surprised, it wasn't like Tom was just going to do that cut that ended up with him in hospital and never do it again.
"yeah, sorta. I've sorted it out, don't worry about the actual marks." Carrie smiled reassuringly, Tom whimpered and shuffled in sleep, making the noises that signalled nightmares. "shhh Tommy, shhh, its a dream." I whispered, automatically going to his aid, grabbing hold of the hand sticking out of the blanket, "go back to sleep baby, I'm here, its okay." I risked it, leaning forward, kissing Toms head gently. His heavy breathing slowed again, his body relaxed, going back to sleep. "there were go, sleep tight." I ran my thumb over his cheek, unable to help but think that Tom looked so cute, I had missed seeing this so much. Just seeing Tom when he wasn't an emotional wreck, or glaring at me, was such a good feeling. "I'll get you back soon, I swear, I'll get you back soon, and we'll forget all about this." I promised, promising myself silently that I would make Tom feel better, and make him smile again. He would smile again, even if it was the last thing I made him do.