i'm back from the gig and i'm absolutely exhausted but it was SO DAMN GOOD! i'm telling you, McFly never disappoint, ever! i am completely buzzing from that! :D
410 Dannys POV
I was speechless, I couldn't actually speak, honestly, no words were forming in my head at all. That song, that song was amazing, it was mind blowing, it was heart breaking. I had done that, I had caused that song to be written, had caused the heart break that had made it come to life. That was how Tom felt, Tom actually felt like that. And the emotion in his voice, that emotion had been incredible, it was more emotion than he ever sung with before. That was the voice of real heart break...because of me. I felt so guilty, so, so guilty. Especially when we got off stage, and Tom ended up in tears in his dressing room, clear to hear through the paper thin wall separating us.
"Dan, go in and help him, this could be your chance, go!" Harry encouraged, so I did, running through to his dressing room, falling to his side. But when I got there, I didn't know what to do, I usually did, but this was me causing this to happen to him, I had caused these tears, all that emotion, what did I say to make that better? "go away Danny!" Tom spoke up before me, pushing me away with his weak hands. "no Tommy, please, I want to help. I'm so sorry I hurt you like this." I seemed to find a few words at last. "no you're not! Get out!" Tom whimpered, he looked so angry at me again.
"I am, I am so sorry, so, so sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you like that." I crawled closer again, putting my hand on his bandaged arm, how many times had this been redone now? How many more cuts were there on his arm? How many had I caused? My skin crawled, giving me that screaming voice telling me to punish myself. I ignored it the best I could, I had to focus on Tom, and help him first. "liar! Just get out, go away, I don't want you touching me." Tom growled, the anger in his eyes, I had never seen him so angry, never. And to know it was directed at me, well, that was almost too much to bare.
"please, Tom, I'm not going anywhere. Just, let me help you, please." I begged, I just wanted to help, make Tom realise that I cared for him, that I wanted to help him. "no, get out! You've done enough!" Tom turned to Carrie, like she was going to help him, I hoped to god she didn't kick me out. "Tom, please, I'll never forgive myself if I don't try and help you." I pleaded, putting my hand on Toms thigh. Toms reaction to that was to writhe and almost scream in pain, barely keeping the sound inside himself.
"Tom... whats wrong with your leg?" I worried, was that just a reaction to me, or was there something wrong with his leg? "none of your business." Tom hissed, shakily standing up, wobbling on his two feet, even with Carrie supporting him. "Tom, I love you, tell me whats happened." I let those words slip out, I hadn't said them in a week. "don't even GO there, don't you dare tell me you love me! You f*cking don't, didn't you hear that song? Didn't you hear the lyrics? I hate you right now, so much. So don't you dare lie to me like that." Tom growled, shattering my heart, running out. I didn't even have enough of my mind left to run after him. Those words...those words...Tom hated me, actually admitted it. He hated me! I, I didn't even know what to say, or do.
It was like my whole world shattered then, my heart went first, then the world fell to pieces, the whole world actually broke apart, I couldn't see anything apart from Toms angry face, couldn't hear anything other than that song, and Toms words...Tom hated me, Tom actually hated me... I fell to the floor, gasping for breath, my lungs had gone, I couldn't breathe. "Danny, whats happened? What just happened?" Harrys voice came from somewhere, bringing me back half way to reality. "Tom hates me." I wheezed, feeling my chest burst with emotions, my skin crawl wildly, my whole body shutting down, apart from those images and those words and lyrics...and the feeling of my skin, screaming for the sharp objects. And you know what, I was going to use them, Tom hated me, I couldn't ever change that, no matter how many songs I wrote, how many times I said I love you. It was over, and there nothing I wanted more right now than I be left alone in a room of sharp objects.
411 Toms POV
I ran home, literally the whole way home, not wanting to encounter Danny right now, I couldn't. I had said I hated him, I didn't mean it! I loved him so much, but at that moment, I hated him, for cheating on me and breaking my heart into nothing. Just singing that song, playing with them, realising just how much I hated the fact that there was an affair going on behind my back, caused by me, had made too much emotion rise up inside me. I said things I didn't mean, I hadn't meant to say that! It was just the emotion and the pain from my screaming thighs that made me say it! I would have turned back time and changed it if I could! I shouldn't have said it, I shouldn't have said it!
You should have! Its all your fault that Danny even had an affair! You should hate him! Why don't you hate him? Because even though he had an affair, he was the sweetest, most loving guy I had ever known! He pretended to like me for nine years, made me think he loved me for five of them, no-one on this earth would do that apart from him! Thats why I still loved him, no matter how much it hurt! "Tom slow down please! I can't keep up!" Carrie chased after me, running through the field near our house, managing to catch me as I slowed, my legs protesting as my jeans ripped and scratched at my cuts. It should have felt relieving but it didn't, it felt like searing pain, like I was burning.
"stop, just stop. You didn't mean all that, did you?" Carrie heaved, her hand on my arm, keeping me in place. "no! I didn't! I didn't mean any of it, I swear!" I whimpered, tears falling down my face, I couldn't believe I just said that! "good, good, well, when the guys get home, we'll go and apologise to Danny and set things straight, yeah? We'll tell him that you love him really and it was just pure emotion, alright?" Carrie suggested, practically wheezing for breath. Well, we had just run quite a way. "I'm not saying I love him! No, he'll pretend again! He's not going to pretend again!" I shook my head, I wasn't going to tell Danny I loved him! He couldn't fall back into the trap of pretending to love me. He just couldn't! It wouldn't be fair on him at all! "okay, okay, we'll work that out later, lets get inside, its getting cold!" Carrie ran the last of the way to the house with me, the both of us collapsing onto the floor once we made it.
It was just a waiting game from there, waiting for the minivan to drive past, practically tearing my hair out with worry. This wasn't happening, I hadn't told Danny I hated him, I hadn't! I hadn't said a word like that, I couldn't have, I couldn't have lied to him like that! Surely I hadn't lied to him like that? You did, you told him you hated him, thats good though, you're even now. He hates you, he thinks you hate him, pretty even I would say. The monster cackled inside my head, laughing at how distressed I was getting, I was working myself up higher and higher, feeling myself drowning in pure guilt and panic. Everything was screaming at me to release this emotion, but I couldn't! Carrie would never let me get away with it, or let me see Danny if I did! And I had to see Danny right now, to set things straight! I had to! Eventually, the car parked up, I could barely stand waiting there, seeing how Danny was having to lean on both Harry and Dougie to walk, he looked truly awful.
Its all your fault, you told him you hated him. I hadn't meant to! It just happened! "Tom, get away from the window, let him get settled at home first, then go round, you've put him through enough in the past hour or so already." Carrie dragged me from the window, making me sit for hours and hours, getting more and more terrified. The longer I left it, the less likely Danny was going to believe when I said I didn't hate him! I really didn't hate him! I hated what he did to me, but not him as a person! Why couldn't I have just said that? Why did I have to ruin it and say that stupid thing? I was so stupid, so, so stupid, it was all my fault!
"Tom, I think you should go over now. But if he's sleeping, don't wake him up, alright? And if anything happens, come straight here, don't run off, alright?" Carrie opened the front door at last, I ran as fast as I could over there, bursting through the door and manically searching for Danny, or any signs of him through my tear filled eyes. With every passing minute that I couldn't find him, I got more and more panicky, getting worse and worse until I burst through his bathroom door, and screamed.
Danny was laying on the floor, blood pooling around his arm, staining his clothes and his hoodie, and my name, it was written in the middle of the pool. 'Tom I love you' written in the messy red pool, it was the stuff of nightmares. It was worse than my nightmares, it was terrible, it was my fault. "Danny! Danny wake up! Danny!" I cried, shaking him, getting a groan. "Danny no! Danny please wake up! I love you too Danny, I love you too!" it hit me that Danny did love me, no-one would have done this for someone they hated. They wouldn't have done this! Not even someone as kind as Danny, no...he loved me! What had I done?! You've killed him! "T-Tommy?" Danny whispered so weakly I barely heard him. "its me, its me, I'm here." I cried frantically, hearing someone else, sounding very Dougie like, scream and a thud to the floor. "I-I love you Tommy." Danny whispered again, putting his bloodied hand on my cheek. "I-I love you too! I didn't mean it, I didn't mean to say that I hated you! I swear I love you, I swear! Please, don't die, please, you can't die!" I sobbed, grabbing hold of his hand and squeezing, not caring right now I was covered in Dannys blood, just the fact that he was now dying in my arms!
Roughly I got shoved out the way, people in green jumpsuits rushing in and surrounding Danny, they were shouting at each other, but I couldn't hear them, this was all too much. Danny loved me, but he cheated on me...then I said I hated him, and now he was almost dead on the floor in front of me! Its your fault! Its all your fault! The voice screamed in my head over and over, I knew that! And I was so sorry! I shouldn't have said it! I shouldn't have said anything! I should have let Danny speak, I should have ran into his arms and never let go!
"what happened in there? Can you hear me? What happened in there?" someone in green asked me over and over, "he's in shock, get him into the ambulance too, you two will have to drive to the hospital. Now hurry!" I vaguely felt someone drag me somewhere, it was a blur until the smell of sterilized rooms hit me again, we were in a hospital room now, the people in green now with white lab coated people all running around Danny, trying desperately to save him. I was in the corridor, crying helplessly, watching the scene unfold.
A white coated man threw Dannys hoodie on the floor in my direction. Everyone is staring at you, they know its all your fault! This is completely your fault! Now pick up that hoodie, its the only type of help your getting. I picked it up and scrambled in between two chairs, hiding between them, trying to hide from all the eyes staring at me. I could feel them, everyone who walked past stared at me, the doctors and nurses glared, like they knew that was happening inside that room, knew that it was me who caused it. I felt cold all over, I had caused this, it was all my fault, I shouldn't have done this! I was so cold now, so cold, so cold and shaky.
This is all your fault! If Danny dies its because of you and your stupidity! You should have noticed he loved you, you shouldn't have said you hated him! You stupid, stupid, stupid boy! You're worthless you are, worse than scum! You're a killer! The voices level got higher and higher inside my head, screaming so loudly until there was a constant ringing in my ears. I couldn't hear anything around me, everything inside me telling me to run away and never come back. Do it! Run away! Run away now! Run away you worthless scumbag! Its all your fault! Run away before Harry and Dougie find you! You've just about killed their lover! RUN!
I ran, running as fast as I could out of the hospital, as far away as possible, running until the voice shut up. Running until I physically couldn't run anymore, running away from any hope of ever being forgiven even in the slightest for this. Don't you EVER return, you must never return, EVER! And that time, the voice was the sound Harry and Dougie, screaming at me, making me run even further.