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430 Dannys POV
I managed to keep Tom calm and quiet until bedtime, when the nurses came in and sent him off to sleep, so they could shove a tube down his throat to feed him. I had to put him down then, because I was terrified to choke, or seriously hurt Tom, which I really didn't want to do. Instead, I just sat next to Tom, stroking his hair, hoping it was calming him as much as it calmed me. It felt nice to stroke Toms hair, because it was so soft, it gave me a sense that everything was going to be okay. I didn't know why, but having my hand entangled with Toms hair just made me feel like it would be okay, maybe it was because I was with him, and nothing was going to happen to Tom when I was with him, nothing worse than what was already happening.
A few hours later, Harry, Dougie and Carrie went home, leaving me and Tom alone, so carefully I curled up to Tom, trying to get comfy but not jog him. I slowly fell asleep there, trying to think that this was a normal day, that we were at home, laying in our bed. It didn't work, the smell of cleaning products, the sounds of people walking about and machines beeping broke through my mental image, no matter how many times I tried over the next few days. It got worse if anything, because everyday, Tom got worse. Not physically, mentally. He just...got worse, I don't know how to explain it, Tom just...stopped functioning as well. He just, declined, so badly.
Tom turned more dependant on me, leaning on me all the time, letting me hug him as he stared into space blankly. The only time he really reacted was when the doctors and nurses came near him, then Tom froze, whimpering and almost crying out every time they came near him. I think he knew it was them shoving the tube down his throat every night, I wasn't sure if Tom knew what it was for, but I knew that he knew he had the tube every time he woke up.
This morning wasn't any different, I woke up first, and just took a while to enjoy cuddling with my lover, while he was still and calm, before todays struggles started. Tom had his arm around me today, I had put it there the night before, but it felt nice to know it was still there in the morning. It almost felt normal, it was just the machines, the hard bed and Toms stillness that stopped it from feeling normal. "morning honey." I whispered, gently kissing his cheek. Slowly, Tom opened his eyes, his hand lifted up, going towards his mouth, but he stopped it all of a sudden. A loud whimper appeared from his throat, as he went crossed eyes a little, tears starting to fall down his face again, barely managing to not start writhing, having learnt that it made things worse.
"Tommy, shh, its alright. We've done this so many times now, I'll go get the nurse to sort it for you, alright?" I wiped away his tears, pressing a kiss to Toms cheek again, getting up slowly, trying to stop Tom from getting jogged. Tom grabbed my hand suddenly, squeezing painfully tight. "I won't be a minute, you know that. I'll get the doctors and they'll sort you out, just like always." I whispered, smiling softly. Tom shook his head, eyes wide in fear, conveying just how scared he was, he always woke up so scared of the doctors coming to him. I could understand why, that tube was painful to get out, and Tom wasn't exactly that fond of doctors anyway. "it'll be fine Tommy, trust me. We'll sort you out and then we'll cuddle up and watch a film, alright? Carrie brought Toy Story yesterday." I squeezed his hand and ran my hand soothingly over his damp cheek.
Tom let me go as I finished speaking, still twitching and clearly trying to stop himself from freaking out, clenching his fists and screwing his eyes tight shut. "that's it Tommy, hold on for me, I'll sort it out." I encouraged, rushing out to find our usual doctor, used to this routine now. We did this every single morning, I was used to doing this, and we had done this so many times that even Tom was learning to stop himself from moving. It was still the most heart breaking thing to see him crying like that, it was like he was completely helpless in the situation. He was completely helpless really, but it still shattered my insides to see him crying.
The doctor did his usual job, pulling the biggest tube I had ever seen out of Toms mouth, making him choke and cough so much he almost threw up. "shhh Tommy, its over." I comforted him, rubbing his back to soothe his coughs. Tom stopped coughing to fell into my arms, crying quietly. I repeated my words again, kissing his head gently, wrapping my arms around him. "shhh Tommy, I'm here." I whispered, grabbing the mini DVD player, putting on Toy Story, trying to get Tom paying attention to the film instead of his sore throat. It worked slowly, getting Tom to calm down and watch the film, his little hands clawing at my tshirt like it was the only thing he could do.
431 Toms POV
Toy Story played for a few hours, making me feel calmer, the thought of my sore throat and my stomach ache going away from my mind. "feeling any better now Tommy?" Danny asked, rubbing my side gently. I nodded, stopping his hand and nuzzling into his neck. "good, everyone should be coming soon." Danny smiled, kissing me on the head. He was right, only twenty minutes later, after we had packed the DVD player away, Harry, Dougie and Carrie turned up.
"morning!" Carrie greeted, bouncing in and hugging us both. "morning, you guys alright?" Danny and the others exchanged the normal morning conversation, letting me sit there and cuddle up to him. I didn't really feel like talking, or using my mouth in anyway, it hurt all the time. That tube that was shoved in my mouth always left it hurting, my throat feeling like it was been sandpapered, I just didn't want to do anything. I didn't want to eat, talk, smile, anything. I just wanted to sleep and cuddle up with Danny, safe in the knowledge that I wasn't going to wake up to find another tube down my throat.
The morning passed quickly, not much really happening, just a lot of talking between everyone. But at lunchtime, a nurse came in, I knew by now that she was the food nurse, the one who always asked me and Danny what we wanted for whichever meal it was. "so today we have some tuna sandwiches, or some rice, which would you like boys? Or what you like to come with me to the canteen and choose something from there? I think you're well enough to come with me down there." The nurse asked, I tensed again. "I think we'll take a trip down the canteen, feel like it Tommy? Go and have a walk around?" Danny made me want to scream, I didn't want to go anywhere! Especially nowhere near food! Don't go! You must not go!
"come on baby, we'll go down and get some good lunch." Danny stood up, pulling me upright. "no!" I whimpered, backing away, I wasn't going anywhere near food! I didn't want to eat, I didn't deserve it, and I wasn't going anywhere near my mouth! What if I lifted up my hand and found a tube there?! What if it was there?! I couldn't risk that! If it was there, I didn't want to know it was! I was fine thinking I was tube free, I didn't want to suddenly find out it was still there!
"come on Tom, its lunch time!" Dougie encouraged, he looked scared though. That tubes there! Its there! He's scared cause its still there! Oh god no! It wasn't still there was it? I swear that I had had it removed! "n-no!" I cried, it couldn't still be there! It couldn't still be in there, and what if there was good food in the canteen? I couldn't go near that! "why not?" Harry asked, looking worried too. Its there, its there, its there! "Tommy, whats up?" Danny asked, putting his hands on my shoulders.
I shook my head wildly, scratching at my arms, feeling panic rise up inside my chest, I didn't want to go anywhere! I didn't want to eat, didn't want to discover that there was still a tube inside my throat! "Tommy, whats up? Whats happened? Aren't you hungry yet?" Danny guessed, he couldn't have been more wrong. I was starving, but I couldn't! I couldn't open my mouth properly, let alone eat something! You must not go down ever! You can't go down at all!
Danny brought me into his arms and hugged me, stopping me from scratching. "alright, we'll go down later on, when you're ready." Danny sighed, guiding me back to the bed, making sure I was sat on it. "I'll come back later on. And bring someone I think you need to see." The nurse walked out, leaving us alone again. "you really don't want to eat today, do you?" Danny sighed, I shook my head, whimpering quietly. "baby, you have to eat, its not healthy." Danny said, here we go, another talk about food.
I shook my head again, there was no way I was going to eat, put my hands near my mouth. "don't care." I whispered, curling up into Dannys arms again, needing to feel calm and safe. "why not? Whats the problem with eating? You deserve to eat, why don't you want to?" Danny linked our fingers together, I didn't answer. I didn't answer him for another hour, no matter what he asked, until the nurse came back again, getting the same reaction. I did not want to eat, did not want to go near food, did not want to even think about putting things inside my mouth.
Though, this time, half way through my panic attack, a man came in, he just looked at me, practically staring. "go away! What do you want?!" I shouted, the loudest and longest sentence I had used in weeks. "who? Oh, what do you want?" Danny turned round, glaring at this strange, tall man. "nothing, I'm just observing for the moment." The man answered with a Scottish accent. "well get out, we don't need an audience." Harry warned, standing in front of us, hiding us a bit. "alright, I'll go, but I'll be back later." He walked out, leaving me to carry on refusing point blank to go anywhere out of this room, going anywhere near food.