Chapter Nine
Three weeks had passed since they arrived at Nelson Bedford's house, seeking an escape, a safe house that would give them the time to gather the information they needed against Azri'el. Three long weeks of researching and very little of anything else. Three weeks of none of them other than Nelly or Colin heading into town to gather supplies and food. Three weeks of torture, as Faith saw it, since she was essentially banned to the property as were the others until further notice.
Yet in those three weeks, a lot had changed. So much that it had Faith trying to wrap her head around it most days. Old friendships were found again, mostly that between Willow, Angel and the others. New friendships were formed, with Colin and Nelly, Colin becoming particularly close with Faith and Andrew, of all people. Even Faith was on what at best she would call an even ground with Buffy, that talk they'd had that first night they were there in Crystal Beach had paved the current road they were on. They weren't exactly friends, but they weren't enemies. They were treading that fine line in between, a little more than acquaintances at best.
It was the first week of December now and the weather had gotten colder. The first snowfall of the season had fallen the night before, blanketing the land in a few inches of soft, fluffy white snow that even a night later, sparkled in the light of the full moon.
The others were in the kitchen, discussing that days finds after hours of research over one of Colin's hearty home-cooked meals. Faith was out on the front porch, shivering as she nursed a beer and smoked a cigarette, her first of the day. She'd came out there counting on getting some time alone, which was pretty rare she'd quickly figured out after a few days of them being there. And just like always, after a few minutes, the front door opened and her little escape, her moment alone was taken from her just like that.
"Aren't you hungry?" Willow asked, pulling the heavy jacket she had on tightly around her as she stepped outside.
"Ate earlier."
"Oh. How come you're out here?"
Faith shrugged and took a drag of her cigarette. "Needed a minute or two alone."
"Right."
"Can't take the message, huh?" Faith chuckled, no malice in her voice despite how bitter her words might've sounded to anyone else but Willow. "Bet it's nice to have the gang all back together, yeah?"
"It's never going to be the same, but yeah, it's nice," Willow said and she smiled a little, it fading quickly when Faith rolled her eyes. "What's with you lately?"
"What do ya mean what's with me?"
"You know exactly what I'm talking about."
"Be better if you explained exactly what you're talking about here, Wil."
"Or the more reasonable response would be..." Willow trailed off and she shivered, trying to pull the jacket tighter around her in an attempt to warm herself up. "You know what I mean, Faith."
"Yeah, I know."
"No, you don't know and that's why you're being all avoid-y lately. So, right now? As freezing as I am right now, it's best friend heart-to-heart time whether you like it or not."
Faith laughed and stabbed her cigarette out in the ashtray that sat on the railing. "I'm not being all avoid-y, Wil. What we're all feeling? It's cabin fever. We ain't left this place since we got here and in a few days, it'll have been a month and I don't know about you, but I'm itching to go for a drive just to get outta here for a couple hours, you know?"
"Then let's go for a ride."
"Not a good idea."
"Plenty of roads on the property. I'm sure we'll be safe," Willow replied and she held out the keys to Faith's truck. "It's not exactly getting away right now, but it's better than nothing, right?"
"Guess so."
They climbed into Faith's truck and sat in silence while the truck heated up, the radio on low, faintly being heard over the rumble of the old engine. Faith headed for the narrow road that she knew led around the property, all seventy acres of it. She'd rode it just once before, with Colin and she could barely remember half of it since they'd smoked a spliff halfway through and spent most of the time laying on the hood of her truck, staring at the stars in complete and utter silence.
Faith drove for a good ten minutes, keeping her speed down and being mindful of the many potholes in the gravel road. She came to a stop at what she did know was the last turn before the road circled around and headed back to the front of the property. She put the truck in park but didn't kill the engine. It was far too cold to sit there shivering to death.
"I'm gonna ask you again, what's going on with you lately, Faith?" Willow asked and she turned off the radio completely, leaving them in complete silence aside from the slight puttering of the engine. "You've been so distant. It's like you've become a completely different person. This is me, Faith. You used to be able to talk to me about just about anything. Except Buffy."
"Always about her in the end, ain't it?"
"Is it?"
"Just when I thought things were going good for once in my life, it all turned around into this," Faith said and she gripped the steering wheel with both hands tightly. "Then she comes back cos we're in a heavy situation and there's no way we're getting through this without her, right? One way or another, she's gotta be involved. Doesn't matter how much time has passed, she's always gonna be right there in the thick of things."
Faith laughed and shook her head, feeling like she was back in prison and talking to the shrink there even though even then she'd refused to ever talk about Buffy. It really all stemmed back to her, at least from the day she first met her in Sunnydale and onwards.
"Keep thinking that a lot of it is her fault. The whole Twilight thing? Would it have been as bad as it was if she and Angel didn't fuck like rabbits, created their own universe that she abandoned and then Angel killed Giles because what? Because why? I don't even know. Deep down I keep thinking it's her fault. Maybe it is? Maybe I'm just trying to find someone to blame. Whatever. I know it's not her fault though. Always want it to be. Always ask myself why that is."
Faith gritted her teeth and she couldn't even bring herself to look at Willow right then, instead she focused on her hands gripping the steering wheel, flexing her grip and watching as they would slowly turn white the harder she gripped the wheel.
"No matter what I ever did, never could get her out of my head and out from under my skin. Even when things were going good for us in Cleveland, when we thought we were finally winning the fight, good versus evil and all that, I still thought about her and she still drove me completely insane."
"Because you're in love with her."
"Exactly. Wait, what?"
"You're in love with her," Willow stated calmly. "You don't want to be, but you are."
"Why does it gotta be that way? I didn't ask for any of this."
"Sometimes things are just the way they are. Fighting it doesn't help. Kind makes you go all crazy," Willow said as she tapped the side of her head.
"Angel said the same thing and I completely lashed out on him, you know? Why ain't I doing that now?"
"Because it's me?" Willow offered and she smiled when Faith looked at her. "Just talk to me, Faith. You trust me, don't you?"
Faith didn't say anything as she dug her short nails into the leather of the steering wheel. Her mind was racing and everything she'd been pushing down for so long was rushing to the surface so quickly she couldn't stop any of it.
"I don't know what to call it, don't know if it's that or something else. Never felt this way about anyone before. Always thought, before I went to Sunnydale, that I'd never fall in love, that I'd never feel that click, that one that feels so right and so fucking wrong because it's her."
"It's not wrong."
"It is!" Faith yelled. "It is wrong! It's wrong in every single way! I hate to love her and I love to hate her. No matter which way I look at it, at the end of the day, nothing has changed. She can stick a knife in my gut, she can beat me to hell and back, I went to jail for her because that's what she wanted and I'd go back again if she told me to. She can even kill me and I'll still fucking love her! What kind of fucked up logic is that?"
Faith was shaking, desperately trying to keep all her emotions in check, but she'd thrown that all out the window as soon as she opened her mouth. She was starting to think that maybe going for a run would've been a better idea than this. And she wasn't sure when she broke down or when Willow wrapped her arms around her and just held her, but when she opened her eyes, her heart racing, her ears ringing, tears flowing freely, it was like she'd stepped back into her own body and she was feeling everything she had tried so desperately to shut out for so long.
She had never been so open with anyone in her life, not even with Angel and she'd revealed a lot to him, but never anything close to what she'd just told Willow. It was all out in the open now and she expected Willow to judge her for the way she felt, the things she thought, but instead Willow was just holding her close, holding her tight, whispering to her that everything was going to be okay.
"Even when you put on that façade of hating her, I knew otherwise. I don't think I ever realized that until I started spending more time with you, seeing how you'd react if her name was even just as much mentioned to you. It's okay that you feel this way. Don't push those feelings away, don't hate that you feel these things. It's what makes you human and it's okay that you love her. Buffy is-she's special and there's just something about her."
"I hate feeling like this."
"Why?"
"Cos she'll never love me back, Wil!"
"Does that matter?"
"No. No it doesn't," Faith said and she wiped away her tears. "It doesn't matter. God, I don't know why I'm getting so worked up about this. Held this in for so fucking long, thought if I talked about it maybe it'd go away, make things a little clearer up here," she said as she tapped the side of her head.
"Did it?"
"No."
"So, what do you feel now, Faith?"
"As frustrated as ever, but the weight I carried holding that all in, feels like it's gone, but not completely. Also I feel like I betrayed Angel," she said. "He tried to get me to talk about this and I shut him down."
"Thank you for trusting me to tell me that."
"Fuck, Wil, in case you haven't noticed, you're my best friend. Never saw it coming."
"Kind of came outta left field."
"Hey, that's more of a line I'd say."
"What can I say, Faith? You're my best friend too," Willow smiled, her own eyes brimming with fresh tears. Before she pulled her in for a hug, she stared at her long and hard. "So wait, are you telling me you're gay now?"
"Did I ever say that?" Faith laughed. "Never been with another woman before in my life, if you can believe it."
"Former Queen of get some and get gone? Really? Not even once?"
"Not even once, Wil. Why the hell you think feeling this way for her makes me like this? It's not just cos it's Buffy-"
"It's because you're questioning your sexuality every time you have those lovey-dovey thoughts about her," Willow stated in her matter of fact voice, unable to hide her smile.
"Wil-"
"Hey, nothing wrong with being gay or the having of very gay feelings. Hello, gay here!"
"Willow-"
"Even if you aren't gay, you're still gay for Bu-"
Faith clamped her hand over Willow's mouth to get her to stop talking and they both broke down into a fit of laughter. Faith couldn't believe that a heavy situation, her opening up and revealing herself like that had turned out this way. But then again it was Willow and they'd come so far in just the last six months that it felt like this bond they had had always been there right from the start.
"How does it make you feel getting it out?" Willow asked her for the second time.
"Honestly?" Faith asked and Willow nodded impatiently. "Vulnerable."
"If you are worried that I'm going to repeat what you just told me, you know me better than that, right?"
"That's not why I feel that way. Besides," Faith sighed. "I think I've done enough of the sharing thing for today, Wil."
"So, you're really not gay?"
"I hate labels."
"But there's feelings?"
"Like, do I want to fuck her?" Faith asked blankly. "No. It's not a physical thing, believe it or not. It's an emotional thing. Thought at some point maybe it was a slayer thing, but it can't be if I still feel that now."
"Slayer thing?"
"A connection," Faith clarified. "Like before when we were near each other, I'd get this buzz. Kind of the same kind of buzz when vamps or demons were near, but it wasn't the same. It didn't feel so...evil," she said, trying to find the right words. "It just felt comforting and it's always confused me. Was I supposed to like it? Was I supposed to fight it, suppress it, ignore it?"
"I think, do you want to know what I think? I think you were supposed to embrace it, not fight it or ignore it or any of those things. Do you want to know what else I think? I think that you not knowing how to deal with that connection you felt, the things you felt for Buffy, it made you kind of go all sorts of-"
"Batshit crazy and easily lured to the side of evil?" Faith finished for her, the words leaving behind a bitter taste in her mouth. "Don't think that's gonna happen again. Live and learn, right?"
Faith exhaled sharply. She was really talking about this and she still felt like she had just had some kind of out of body experience, or maybe this was a part of some kind of strange nightmare she was having, like one of those ones that felt so real she was always convinced was actually happening. But this was Willow and in the last six months, Willow had told her things she said she hadn't told anyone, not Tara when she was alive, not Kennedy, not Buffy or even Xander. She told her what it really was like when she'd been addicted to magic, how dark it was, how deep it pulled her in. It was consuming, more so than she had ever let on and even now, even without having that power run through her, she still felt the edges of that darkness lingering.
Faith was grateful she was no longer alone on that front. She had Willow and she had Angel, both knowing what it's like to tread on the dark side, that lure of evil and how tempting it was at times. And they all were very much on the path to redemption, each on their own road to making things right for themselves, to even out the balance of the things they'd done wrong.
But she couldn't let go of those feelings imbedded in her very soul when it came to Buffy. She had thought that it would've faded over the years, that she'd just forget and move on like they were never there in the first place. Sure, it was easy to put up a front, hide behind walls and act like there was nothing there. It took a certain amount of inner strength to keep that all at bay and with Buffy there with her now, she was in for a test-and an even bigger one now that the cat was out of the bag and she'd told Willow everything.
I told Wil everything. Am I out of my damn mind?!
Faith shook her head, laughing at herself. She and Willow had a lot of heavy talks over the past handful of months, a lot of heart-to-hearts, it's what solidified their close friendship and their close bond. Willow never judged her, not even with something as huge as her revelation of her feelings, both love and hate, towards Buffy. And she never judged Willow. Never had a reason to and Willow never gave her a reason to.
"What's so funny, Faith?" Willow asked gently when Faith didn't stop laughing, mainly to herself. "Faith?"
"I can't believe I-" Faith cut herself off, shaking her head and trying to stop herself from laughing. "Man, I'm outta my damn mind, ain't I? This is what she does to me, Wil. This is what she does to me if I just so much as think of her name. She drives me fucking crazy. How the hell am I gonna cope with her being here in the same damn house after I just unleashed all of that?"
"Faith-"
"I spent years refusing to admit all that even to myself. Now that it's all out there in the open, I don't know how the hell to deal with this."
"Faith," Willow said and she placed her hands on both shoulders and gave her a nice good, grip, forcing Faith to look her in the eyes. "You are one hell of a strong woman. You know it and I know it. What you feel, how she makes you feel, react, you can hide it, pretend it's not there. We're in the middle of a crisis here and I know you can shut it out so we can all work together to do what needs to be done here. You've managed to do all right for the last three weeks we've been here. If anything else, I have faith in you that you'll figure this out for yourself, with or without her and you'll forget about it, about her, and maybe you'll finally be able to let go and move on in the end. Who knows? Anything is possible."
Willow was right about one thing, anything was possible. Faith had seen it with her own eyes in many, many ways over the course of her life. Yet, to hear the sincerity in Willow's voice, to hear how much she cared and had faith in her, it hit her right where she felt it the most, in her heart and soul. She was never one to wear her emotions on her sleeve, but around Willow, it was hard not to sometimes. And it was easy to show how she really felt because Willow never shut her out, never ignored her, never made her feel bad for feeling and thinking the things she did.
"How am I even gonna be able to look at her now that I've told you?"
"Well," Willow said and she took a deep breath. "Just act like you always do, I guess? Just because you told me doesn't mean anything is different."
"Aside from the fact that you know and apparently already knew that I'm in love with her before I even said a damn thing really."
"Aside from that."
"Is it that obvious?" Faith asked and she frowned when Willow turned to look away from her and was unable to hide that little smile of hers. "Wil, how obvious is it? Just be straight with me here."
"Straight?" Willow said, raising an eyebrow and even Faith couldn't hold back the laugh that escaped. "Okay, it's kind of obvious in the way that you look at her. I've seen it a lot more in the last couple of weeks, but-"
"How do I look at her?"
"But," Willow continued, "it's also how you've reacted whenever anyone has tried to bring up the whole Buffy topic with you, even before all this happened. In a way, I think I've always know and yet I was in denial about it too, because hello, you weren't exactly the poster child of wholesome and good and before Spike, I thought that's all Buffy wanted. And don't even mention Angel, this has nothing to do with him."
"Wasn't gonna."
"I know you well enough now that it didn't take much to put the pieces together. The way you'd say her name if she was ever mentioned to you, even just in passing. It's the way you'd always get so angry talking about her that I could see behind those walls you built up. You are a very emotional person, Faith."
"I am not."
"Stubborn too, but hey, you and Buffy both are, so that's kind of something you have in common. That's still something, right?"
"Wil..."
"You told me once that the only thing you ever wanted was for Buffy to accept you, love you. I know when you'd said that, you meant as one of her friends, a part of her tight circle, to be one of the Scooby gang, but just hearing you say it, hearing that longing in your voice even then, I think that's when I started really looking at the way things were between you two."
"We had that conversation on the way to Sunnydale from LA."
"It was a pretty intense conversation. One I'll never forget."
"Me neither."
"So, this is what you're going to do. You'll go back to the house and do whatever it is you planned to do tonight and act like this conversation pretty much never happened, if that'll help you push it all back down inside again, because you are the one who knows what's best for yourself. And we'll just go about our daily lives while you struggle with this, day in and day out for the rest of your life."
"Willow! Every word that just came out of your mouth was just dripping with sarcasm. I don't know whether to be offended or proud for teaching you well."
"There's a lot of things I learned to do with this mouth of mine before we became friends."
"Wil!"
"If you ever want some tips-"
"Oh my god," Faith laughed and she gave Willow a shoulder bump. "You're crazy sometimes, you know that?"
"I know I am, but so are you."
"Apparently also still twelve years old too."
They laughed again and Faith felt like everything was okay. She wasn't struggling with her emotions, not like she'd been through the entire time she'd talked to Willow about Buffy. Faith turned the radio back on and gripped the steering wheel. She knew they couldn't stay out of the house for too long. Wood or Angel would organize some kind of lame search party for them and then she'd have to listen to both Summers' women complain about having to look for them in the cold and in the dark.
"So, just let me get this one thing straight," Willow said and Faith turned to her, not realizing this conversation was far from over. "You're in love with her, but you're not sexually attracted to her?"
"Already said it's not a physical thing."
"But in order to be in love with someone, there has to be some kind of physical attraction there too, right? I mean, that's how these things work usually."
"I don't-"
"Surely you have eyes," Willow said and she shook her head in disbelief. "Buffy is a very attractive woman, anyone can see that."
"Wil, I bet if she was ugly as hell, I'd still feel this way about her. It's not a physical thing, it's an emotional thing, a connection that even now I still can't shake."
"So you are physically attracted to her."
"No I-"
"Humor me for a minute here, Faith."
"You're just having way too much fun with this, aren't you?" Faith grumbled. "Fine. I'll humor you for a minute. Better get cracking, Wil. Time's a ticking."
"If you had a chance with her, metaphorically speaking, and she jumped you, would you follow through or turn her away?"
"What the hell kind of a question is that?"
"That's what I thought."
"What?" Faith laughed incredulously. "I didn't even answer the damn question!"
"You don't have to because I already know the answer."
"I don't even know the damn answer."
"Sure you do."
Faith cracked her knuckles and breathed out heavily. She knew what Willow was trying to do, get right under her skin and get her to admit how she truly felt. It wasn't like she had never entertained that idea. She was human and she did have eyes and an appreciation for a sexy woman the same way she could appreciate a sexy man. A beautiful human being was just that, beautiful and she never thought there was anything wrong with thinking that way.
"Metaphorically speaking, I'd fuck her brains out until she couldn't walk straight and she'd be begging me for more. Ya happy now?" Faith snapped and Willow sat there with a smug smile on her face. "Jesus, you drive me just as crazy as she does."
"Yep, plenty happy now. Thanks."
Faith shook her head and put the truck in park. She followed the narrow road as it turned around back on to itself and drove back to the house. Willow hopped out of the truck first, not even bothering to wait for her as she made a run back to the warmth of the house. Faith killed the engine and sat there for a minute, replaying everything she'd just told Willow over in her head. It did feel like a weight had been lifted and now that she had taken a little bit of time to step out of that veil of denial, she didn't want to slip right back into it again. It had taken a huge toll on her emotional state and she was just so tired of fighting against herself over it.
Faith headed to the house, picking up her beer where she'd left it on the way inside. She could hear the others in the den and she could smell the wood burning in the fireplace. The laughter resonated down the body and straight through her. Even though they hadn't gotten much further in their research with Azri'el, there hadn't been any other incidents and there were no reports of any other former slayers having been killed in the last three weeks. Things had slowed down and almost seemed like they were living a life, a very different life, where Azri'el didn't exist.
But she knew that just because he'd slipped away for a little while, didn't mean he was gone completely and that they could just forget about the entire situation at hand. Yet, being there in Nelson Bedford's house, all under the same roof for the first time in over two years, everything really did feel like it'd be okay in the end.
"Faith! We're going to watch some old movies Nelly found in the attic. Join us?" Xander said as he came out of the kitchen carrying three big bowls of popcorn.
"On that shitty little black and white TV he's got in there? Pass."
"You sure?"
"Another time, Xander."
"Your loss, Faith."
She shrugged and headed down to the kitchen, expecting to be in there alone. She was hungry now and the last time she'd eaten had been shortly after lunch. She was surprised to find Buffy in there, sitting alone at the big wood table and sipping a cup of hot tea. With her conversation with Willow still so fresh, she wasn't sure she could even stand to be in the same room as her.
Suck it up, Lehane.
Taking a deep breath, she walked over to the fridge and finished off her beer before grabbing another out of the fridge. They were running low and she made a mental note to mention it to Colin or Nelly in the morning and give them some cash to make a run into town to stock up on more.
"Where'd you guys go?" Buffy asked before Faith could walk out of the kitchen.
"What's that, B?"
"You and Willow? Where did you guys go?"
"Just for a ride around the property. Felt like going for a drive."
"Is there something going on between you two that I should know about?"
Faith nearly choked on her beer and burst out laughing. "God no. There's nothing going on between us, B. What makes ya think that?"
"You two spend a lot of time together and are really close. I kind of just thought-"
"Well ya kind of just thought wrong. We're just friends."
"Right. Okay. Forget I even asked."
Faith rolled her eyes and she leaned against the wall by the doorway. Buffy stared at her for a moment, probably wondering if she could believe what Faith had just said to her or not. And Faith did nothing but stare right back, watching a string of emotions flicker through her eyes. She was good at reading other people, but when it came to Buffy, it was harder to do than with anyone else. She still hadn't figured out why, but she knew that when it came to sharing how she felt, Buffy was just as guarded as Faith was unless she was around people she could trust.
Maybe one day she'd be one of those people. She'd seen just glimmers of hope of that trust slowly building in the past couple of weeks. Even Buffy's whole attitude had changed towards her and in a good way. She no longer shed words drawn from venomous hate towards her. Their conversations short, sometimes snippy and to the point using as very little words as possible. But for Faith, it was a start and they still had a long way to go. Getting there would only be half the battle.
The other half would be holding those feelings deep inside of her and try to get through every day, one day at a time, without those emotions driving and controlling her.