A/N: Things are not alright. I want to post this chapter earlier than expected, I need to let these feelings out of me.
Chapter 20
I wanna hide the truth/ I wanna shelter you/ But with the beast inside/ There's nowhere we can hide… Don't wanna let you down/ But I am hell bound/ Though this is all for you/ Don't wanna hide the truth –Demons by Imagine Dragons.
Bella's POV
Edward and I have been together for two months. Even though he makes me very happy, I can't deny the truth. I'm not well. I've been fighting with depression for so long that I have gotten use to live day by day feeling like an outsider, empty, not belonging to any cliques, not being the perfect daughter my parents want me to be and the list continues.
I know that my happiness can't rely on a person but that's what I've been doing since I met Edward. I haven't told him about how I really feel; I don't want to ruin our relation. The moments I spend with him are the moments where I feel happy, but when I come home I have to face the reality of my life. My parents changed a bit since I had the bath incident, but lately they've been acting like they used to. There're screams, tears, and pain… a lot of pain.
We share similar tempers. So if I say something then my dad says something different, when I start yelling and want to stop the fight, he just repeats the same thing over and over, yelling over my voice. We argue for the smallest and the stupidest things. Mom's the same too. No one wants to give in, so every day there's a new reason to fight. I go to sleep withered and most nights I cry and fall sleep crying. There's a big weight in my chest and a lump in my throat. Sadness is overtaking me and now despite the fact that Edward makes me feel important and safe I feel sadder than what I used to. I don't want to lie anymore, but I'm afraid that if I let my guard down he'll run away from me or he'll pity me and I don't want that. Not from him or from anybody.
Every passing day I want to let Edward go, I want him to be free. I don't want him to suffer for me. I don't want to be a burden. I know I should talk to him, I should tell him the truth, but deep inside I know that if I do it he'll worry and I don't want him to go thru that again. He has done enough.
I find myself crying again, just imagining how my life will be without him sends shivers through my body. No, I wouldn't be strong enough to see him every day at school and pretend that nothing happened. I wouldn't stand seeing him with another girl. I'm torn, I'm a mess.
I must have fallen sleep after crying, my eyes are red and puffy. Yep, I cry myself to sleep. Today, Edward and I are supposed to study for a test, he's coming to my house and my parents agreed for him to come. They won't be around, so at least we'll have some privacy, at least more privacy than what we get at his house. Alice's curiosity results annoying and I don't want to be rude, I know it's not her fault, I know that's how she is. But she hasn't been around lately thanks to Jasper Hale ―Rosalie's brother― who's now dating her. They look happy, really happy. I wish I could say the same about Edward and me, but I know that I'm just pretending I really try to be happy and forget about everything when I'm with him, but deep inside me there's a monster crawling to the surface. Begging me to let him out.
I take a shower and let the water cleanse my body and somehow my thoughts. I haven't gotten anything for Edward, I don't know what to give him, and he seems to have everything. I can't imagine what he's going to give me. His presents are always ostentatious and even though I expect him to be like that I've always felt impressed and loved when he does it.
I wear a purple shirt and jeans, I apply some make-up just enough for my eyes to look alive and not like I've been crying the entire night. Edward doesn't need to know that. I'm not hungry so I just take a glass of water and some crackers, they should suffice for the day. Edward will be here in a couple of minutes. I feel empty somehow and I want to push that feeling out of me, but it's buried to deep that it's impossible to take it out. The doorbell rings and I sprint towards the door. He's standing there with a bouquet of flowers and a beautiful small plastered on his face. "Happy anniversary" he says and gives me a kiss. He looks divine. I let him in and I set the flowers in a vase with water. He grabs my waist and turns me so I am facing him. His eyes are concerned and it feels like if they were burning thru my brain, absorbing my thoughts.
"What's going on Bella?" He asks never leaving his grip on my waist, his eyes stuck in mine. "Why do you ask that?" Denial seems the only response I can give.
"Bella, I know you. There's something that's bothering you and I can see that. The fact that you're avoiding my question just emphasizes what I've said."
"Nothing's going on, I'm fine." I force a smile.
"Bella, come on. What is it? I can't help you if you don't tell me what's wrong." He pulls me closer to him.
I want to cry but I hold the tears. I don't want to ruin this. "Really Edward, there's nothing going on. I'm fine, I really am."
He lets go of me. He stomps towards the door. I follow him to his car. "Edward, please wait. What are you doing? Don't go please!" I can't restrain the tears, I am sobbing and I feel my face turning red.
He sits on the driver's seat, he ignites the engine. "If you're not going to talk to me, I don't see why I should stay." Because I need you I want to say, I really do, but the words don't come out. Tears replace the words. I'm shaking and I stand next to his car numb, I can't speak. All I do is cry, there's an ocean of tears coming out of me. I thought I've cried enough last night, but apparently there are more tears. He doesn't say anything, he just stays there watching me cry.
I don't know what it hurts the most his indifference or the actual pain I feel inside. I start walking to my house. The engine is roaring but the car is not moving. I want to turn and see what he's doing, but I refuse to give in. He should say something, he should do something. I finally reach the front door and close it behind me. I collapse to the floor and hug my knees. I'm shaking, I try to control myself. I have to control myself. But I can't.
You would think that after crying for what it seems hours I wouldn't have more tears but I do. I'm impressed by the amount of tears I've shed. I clean the tears with the back of my hand and stand up. I peek thru the peephole and realize that Edward has left. How long has it passed since he left? I didn't hear the car squealing to get out. I guess that this is it. We're done. I head to the bathroom and wash my head. The eye liner has spread over my cheeks. Note to self: Buy a waterproof eye liner. Once that I am clean enough I head to my room. I lie on my bed and force myself to sleep. Sleep should make me feel better.
I don't know how long it has passed since I fell asleep but I'm awake by the music coming from my cell phone. I pick it up and check the caller's ID. Alice. I wonder what she wants. She probably wants to know what happened between Edward and me. I let the call go thru voicemail; I don't feel like talking to anyone right now. I decide to study for the test. Studying will distract me from any thoughts.
It turns out I was right. Studying made me forget about my feelings and about Edward, at least for awhile. I go back to my bedroom, it's time for me to check the missed calls and text messages. My cell phone has been ringing many times since I went down to the dining room to study. Ten missed calls from Alice, three missed calls from the Cullen's house. I feel disappointed, I thought Edward had called to say he was sorry. I was wrong.
I dial the voicemail and listen to each one of the messages. At the time I finish listening to all the messages I collapse to the floor. My knees are weak and my heart is fighting his way out of my chest. The walls seem to twist around me. I want to cry, but this time tears fail me. Guilt pushes its way through my body. The only thought on my mind is the last time I saw Edward alive.
Disclaimer: I do not own the lyrics of the song Demons, it is property of Chasing Dragons. No copyright infringement is intended.