Chapter 22

Et si tu n'existais pas/ Je ne serais qu'un point de plus/ Dans ce monde qui vient et qui va/ Je me sentirais perdu/ J'aurais besoin de toi ―Et si tu n'existais pas by Joe Dassin

Bella's POV

"If you're not going to talk to me, I don't see why I should stay." Those can't be the last words I got to hear from Edward. My eyes are streaming with tears, there's a huge weight in my chest, I'm numb. I don't know what I'll do without him, he's been everything to me in the last months. I'm on my way to the Cullen's house, that's what Alice's message said. I didn't understand what had happened, Alice's voice was quivering and the crying interfered too.

I don't know what I'm doing anymore, everything seems to be unreal. I just grab a sweater and my keys and head to the car. My mind relieves the last minutes I saw Edward and I crumble. If I hadn't been too stubborn, if I had just said what I felt, he wouldn't have left and he would still be alive. It's all my fault. He left angry because I refused to talk to him; how could I be so stupid? Now I have to face the consequences.

It feels like ages to get to Edward's house, it's usually a short drive but right now the world seems different. Nothing makes sense. I'm the one that wants to die, Edward was so joyful and he wanted to have a life by my side. It's not fair, it should have been me in the car not him. What will I say to his parents about his last words? Should I say it was my fault he left the house earlier? I park in front of the porch and rest my head in the steering wheel, my arms folded around it. Tears, sobs and a crazy noise I don't recognize come from me. I need to calm down, I can't face the Cullens in this condition. I blow my nose and pass a tissue around my face to clean the tears. I look myself in the rearview mirror and my eyes are red as well as my nose. No amount of make-up could make me look better.

As I stand in front of the main door the burden in my chest feels heavier. I knock the door and Alice lets me in, she's been crying, she looks wither; it's a ghost of what she usually is. After she closes the door she holds me in an embrace and starts sobbing, I do the same. Somehow we manage to reach a couch and we stumble on it. She cleans the tears off her face with a tissue and passes me the box; I grab a handful and do the same. "Alice―" I croak, my voice is hoarse; she holds a hand up to shut me up. She grabs a portrait of her family and rubs her finger on top of Edward, she's pensive for a moment. No other Cullen appears in the living room, maybe they're too shaken up to talk or in the morgue. No, I don't want to think of that place. I can't imagine his body lying frigid on a metal gurney. Tears gather in my eyes again, but this time I'm more in control and I stop them from rolling down my cheeks. Finally, Alice speaks "They don't know if he'll ever wake up. They say he was lucky not to die, but for me it's like he's dead. I can't see him like that, all hooked-up and motionless. It's not him, it's not my brother." She rests her head on my shoulder. I'm too stunned for what she just said "They say he was lucky not to die." Edward's not dead? But her message said that his car was wreckage and that he hadn't made it. All this time I have thought he was dead, that should make me feel better, yet she said that the doctors didn't know if he'd wake up. What does that mean? How badly was he injured? Watching him in a hospital bed connected to tubes and wires is as bad as watching his lifeless body in the morgue.

Alice is right, his body is there, but his essence isn't. His warm touch on my skin, his beautiful bright eyes looking at me, his crooked smile, the feeling of his breath on my neck. How could I be so stupid and let him go like that? What if he doesn't make it in the end? I can't experience that feeling again. I need him with me, I need him to live. If he dies, I'll die with him. I know he wouldn't like that. I have to see him, I have to tell him that I love him and that he has to live for both of us. He can't leave me. I'm the selfish one, not him.

"Alice, I have to see Edward. Where is he?" She ponders before answering me. "Are you sure? I mean, it's going to be hard. Mom just saw him and Emmett said she almost fainted."

"Yes, Alice. I really want to see him. I need to see him, I don't care if he can't hear me, I still need to be with him."

"Alright, but don't tell me I didn't warn you."

After persuading Alice to give me the hospital name and room number I'm driving towards the hospital. She still refused to see Edward, I tried convincing her to join me but she didn't accept my request. I understand her; I don't want to have that image in my mind either. I prefer remembering him full of life, but I need to be with him. I owe him that.

I get to the hospital and start looking for the room number, it's in the ICU. I pass the waiting room and stop when I see the Cullens sitting on a couch, they all look worn. Esme stands up when she sees me. "Oh, Bella!" she hugs me and sobs on my shoulder. I suck at comforting people, I give her some pats on the back. My throat is dry from all the crying, I don't dare to speak. Carlisle joins us and separates Esme from me. "Thank you for coming Bella, I know Edward would thank you for visiting him." He seems to read my mind because he adds "The doctors are with him right now, they asked us to step back while they assess what they're going to do next." "Thank you." It's all I manage to say.

Disclaimer: I do not own the lyrics of the song Et si tu n'existais pas, written by Joe Dassin and Salvatore "Toto" Cutugno. No copyright infringement is intended.

Translation for the French lyrics: "And if you didn't exist/ I wouldn't be more than a point/ in this world that comes and goes/ I'd feel lost/ I'd need you.

Thank you to my friend dinkadot for being the beta of this chapter.