Sorry it took so long for me to get this one up, things kept coming up.
Like an 8 page research paper.
This fic is dedicated to the memories of Major Bludd and Tommy Arashikage
Gone but not forgotten.
Yeah, if you got that, congratulations; you're the one person I wrote that joke for.
Most of the Cullen family was arrayed in the living room of their mansion, motionlessly waiting form Emmet and Rosalie to return from Seattle with their quarry; a human doctor named Gregory House.
Bella looked around the darkened living room at her family.
The heavy steel shutters on the back of the house had been shut, and blinds were tightly closed, sealing off any sight of the green world outside.
Emmet and Rosalie were bringing doctor House back with them to Forks, whether the good doctor wanted to come or not.
In any case, he couldn't be allowed to see where he was. In the likely event he guessed at the Cullen's true nature while trying to treat Alice, he wouldn't be able to tell the rest of the world about it; at least, not in any way that wouldn't result in him being seen as anything but a lone nut harping about a family of vampires with no real way to prove they actually existed.
Or, at least, that was the plan.
As her ears picked up the distant sound of Emmet's jeep pulling unto the Cullen's gravel driveway, she could only wonder if things worked out the way she hoped…because if they didn't, House might have to be turned. She looked around at her family again, Edward staring back at her with a hopeful smile.
Bella was happy, for once, that he couldn't read her thoughts. Because she was thinking of what might have to happen if House figured things out and didn't want to become one of them. What had she gotten everybody into?
Her thoughts were swept aside as Rosalie opened the door and Emmet darted into the doorway with the limp form of a man slung over his shoulder.
The hulking vampire stood in the doorway and let the breeze blow over him and into the house for a few moments.
Bella nostrils flared as the burning scent of the humans blood wafted through the room.
Then she flinched; the normally tantalizing scent was tinged with a harsh medicinal smell, leaving a bitter taste in her throat.
"What is that smell?" she asked,
"Vicodin." Carlisle answered eyes wide, "His blood carries the scent of…the amount of painkillers he must have taken for it to remain so strongly in his bloodstream is staggering…" Carlisle whispered, shaking his head.
"Emmet, are you going to bring the poor man inside?" Esme asked as Emmet stood in the doorway, carefully studying the rest of the Cullen's reactions to his burdens blood.
"Yeah, sure no problem. I was just making sure he wasn't ah, singing a song to anybody or anything, y'know? Wouldn't do to have anyone cracking this guys neck open before he takes a look at Alice." Emmet laughed, before dumping the limp body unto the couch. Rosalie followed and unceremoniously dropped House's cane on his chest.
The blond vampire kept glaring down at House as Carlisle swept across the room to check the unconscious human's vital signs.
"Oh…was it necessary to hit him quite so hard, Rose?" he asked his daughter, looking at her in disappointment.
Rose shrugged,
"I didn't break anything. And he was asking for it."
"What do you…"
Edward let out a startled laugh before Carlisle could finish his question,
"He thought you were a what?"
Rosalie turned to glare at her "older" brother.
"What?" Bella asked her husband, wondering what could have angered Rosalie so much.
"He thought Rosalie was a…"
"If you don't stop talking, mind reader, I swear I'll pour concrete down your throat until you shut up."
"You have to admit, Rose, you sometimes dress the part."
Rosalie narrowed her eyes dangerously before stalking out of the room and up the stairs.
Emmet looked around in confusion,
"Seriously, dude, what are you talking about?"
Edward shrugged,
"It seems that Dr. House thought Rose was a bit…professional."
"What…oh." Emmet grinned, "I can see how that might piss her off a bit, yeah."
"If we could get back to the business at hand…"
Carlisle's soft voice brought the family back to the unpleasant situation at hand, and the Cullen's gathered around the couch where House was sprawled out.
Carlisle set a hand on Houses' neck to check his pulse, and twitched a little as his subconscious caused him to flinch under Carlisle's cold hands.
"Strong pulse." Carlisle said, before pulling up one house eyelids and shining a penlight into house eye. The vampire surgeon moved the light back and forth, nodding as houses blue iris tracked the light. He clicked the light off and turned to Edward,
"How are his thoughts? Anything seem off?"
Edward was silent for a moment, and then his eyebrows raised,
"They seem clear enough but…a bit…off."
"What do you mean?"
"He's having a very…vivid dream."
"About what?" Carlisle asked, hoping his eldest daughter hadn't traumatized the crippled doctor in some odd way.
"Well…some woman named Cuddy. And…Rose. And various…accessories."
Emmet furrowed his brows as he looked from the uncomfortable expression on his brother's face to the unconscious doctor, and his mouth suddenly hardened into a thin, angry line.
"Sick motherfucker." Emmet ground out, his body tensing.
"Emmet, maybe you should…" Edward began, as he saw the murderous thoughts forming in his brothers head. And suddenly, a wave of calm washed over the room, and Edwards sent a thankful glance at the ceiling. Jasper hadn't left Alice's side, but apparently he'd been following the conversation from the second floor, and was now using his talent to keep the hotheaded Emmet from doing anything stupid.
Emmet snorted in amusement,
"Y'know if he got that…scenario from two minutes with Rose, just wait 'till he sees Bella…or even mom…" Emmet said, winking at Edward, "Have fun with that line of thought, bro."
Edward rolled his eyes.
"Jasper, if you'd keep up your influence, I'm going to wake Dr. House now…"
As the waves of calm continued to wash over the room, Carlisle pulled out a small capsule and broke it under House's nose. As the harsh reek of smelling salts filled the room, the doctors eyes snapped open.
Groggily, House sat up and looked around the room, shaking his head to clear it and wondering just where he was.
"Dr. House?"
House blearily focused on the blond man crouched by his bed,
"Dr. House, my name is Carlisle..."
"How long was I out?" House asked, while slowly sliding into a sitting position on the couch and holding his head in his hands.
"Around two hours, I believe."
House moaned in frustration,
"Cuddy is going to be insufferable about me missing that damn speech…" House looked around, a thoughtful look on his face, "Why aren't I in a hospital?" he said aloud, In fact, just where the hell am I? he wondered.
"You're in our home." Edward said, answering House's unspoken thought "Our sister is very ill, and we need you to take look at her."
House squinted at Edward, and then his eyes widened,
"You people…kidnapped me?" House demanded, staring at the Cullen's incredulously.
"You have to understand, Dr. House we don't mean any harm it's just…" Esme began,
"Oh, you don't mean any harm? I thought with the whole kidnapping thing…but as long as you didn't mean any harm." House snapped, glaring at the vampires.
"If you would have just come with Rosalie, this wouldn't have been necessary in the first place." Carlisle pointed out.
"Wait, that blond hooker…I don't agree to help you so you kidnap me? What idiot came up with that plan?"
Bella stormed forward,
"I did." she barked; with enough force in her force that Edward stepped back and stared at her surprise "My sister is sick Dr. House, and we have no idea why."
"Well miss evil mastermind, did you ever think of taking her to a doctor? Or are they so rare around here you had to kidnap one?"
"If you you'd stop being a jackass for five seconds, we might be able to tell you what happened."
"Fine, go ahead. While she talks the rest of you can think of the horrible things that are going to happen to you in prison."
Emmet snorted in disdain and House fixed him with an icy, blue eyed glare,
Ignoring the by play Bella continued,
"My sister is sick, and Carlisle, who's a doctor by the way, can't figure out what's wrong with her. We were desperate and we had some…information from a friend that you'd be able to help her."
"Again we get back to whole abducting me part, which is really the only bit of the story I care about…" House glared into Bella's topaz eyes, idly noticing they were the same color as the rest of her family's, "And if you want me to diagnose someone here's a hint…send me a referral!"
Bella snarled and leaned down to get in House's face,
"We didn't have the time, now are you going to help us or not?"
"No!" House shot back, petulantly,
"Bella, please, be calm." Carlisle said, his voice mild. He turned to face House as Bella grudgingly stepped away from the cantankerous doctor, "Dr. House, I know this is very strange, but I assure you, we don't wish to harm you. There's no need to be afraid."
"I'm not…"
Carlisle held up a hand,
"It's alright. But, allow me to explain why we took this very drastic step to get you to take a look at Alice."
House raised a eyebrow, but said nothing,
"My family and I, we have a very…unusual nature. And we try to keep it secret, for the protection of others and ourselves…"
"Ohhh mysterious." House muttered, still looking dubiously on at Carlisle and the rest of the Cullen's,
"And this nature is also what makes it difficult for normal medical diagnostics to work on us. When my daughter fell ill, I tried everything I possibly could to find out what was wrong with her, and nothing worked. Out of desperation, we decided to seek the aid of the best diagnostic doctor we could find."
House cocked his head,
"Nice try on the ego-stroking there, Doc, but it's not going to help you." House stood up and leaned on his cane, "If I take a look at this kid of yours, will you lunatics let me go?"
"Yes. Of course."
"Good. Well take me to the sick person. If the rest of are any indication, she's probably just off her psych meds."
"She's upstairs." Esme said, ignoring Houses verbal abuse,
"Great. Stairs." House clomped over to the winding staircase and side before unsteadily making his way to the top, the Cullen clan jammed the staircase behind him, with Emmet visibly chafing at the human's slow speed.
House turned to glare at him again,
"Hey, Eminem, you should meet this guy I work with; he acts as white as you act black. If we put you two together we'd have one a hell of a sitcom."
Emmet growled at House,
"Maybe not up to snuff for say, ABC, but I bet Fox would pick it up."
House smiled and continued to the top of the stairs.
"Which room is it?" he demanded,
"Second on the left." Carlisle answered,
House limped down the hallway, kicked the door open.
Ignoring Jasper, he approached Alice and looked her up and down.
Frowning, he set a hand on her chest, then on her neck to check her pulse.
"Oh Doctor Cullen! I need a consult!" he shouted.
Carlisle walked into the room ahead of the others.
"So tell me Doc, what's the diagnosis if the symptoms include no pulse, heart beat or breathing?"
"Dr. House I know how this seems…"
"Death!" House shouted, answering his own question, "You psychotic idiots don't need prison, you need a psych ward!"
Sighing frustration, Bella left the crowd of vampires and strode over to Doctor House.
Grabbing one of his hands, she forcefully made him take her pulse.
After a few moments, House's eyes widened.
Then Bella set his hand on her chest, just over her heart.
Houses mouth fell open.
"Maybe you should rethink that, Dr. House." she said, voice dark with anger.
House ignored it, and looked at the rest of Cullen's, who stood staring back intensely with those identical eyes of theirs, none of them breathing, as still as statues.
"Interesting."