(I don't own Twilight or house, and the title of this fic is taken from the Rob Zombie song of the same name)

Here ya go kids.

I think you're going to like this one…

The Cullen Mansion, outside Forks, Washington.

House stood rooted in place, his keen blue eyes roaming across the Cullen Family.

Edward glowered back in frustration as he listen to House speculate about his family; some of his guesses were uncomfortably close to the truth…

"So, Dr. House," Edward piped up, trying to throw the relentless doctor off of his train of thought. "Are we interesting enough to be worthy of your aid?"

House shrugged. "Doesn't look like I have much choice anyway, does it?" he asked, glaring back at the mind reading vampire. "I'm going to need a few things first…"

"Such as?"

House limped forward, brushing past the vampires and out into the hall. Clumping across the hardwood floor, House kicked open the doorway across from Jasper and Alice's room. He glanced around at the massive bed and opulent furnishings in Rosalie's and Emmet's room, shook his head. He then stomped off down the hall and kicked in the next door. He glared around, looking at the room shared by Edward and Bella; it was still dominated by the massive set of stereo equipment and piles of CD.

"Nope," House said aloud, before limping back down the hallway, glancing at the crowd of perplexed vampires.

"Second door on the left," Edward commented.

"What?" House demanded

"Try the second door on the left. You should find what you're looking for."

Narrowing his eyes suspiciously, House kicked in the door to Carlisle office.

He turned to glare at Edward before limping into the dark paneled room and rifling though the desk drawers. He limped back out into the hall way with handful of multicolored Sharpie markers in his hand. Before any of the Cullen's could speak, House swung his cane up and rested on his shoulder before leaning on the door frame to Carlisle's office.

"So, Dr. Cullen. When you said you'd tried everything to diagnose your ah…daughter…did you mean everything everything, or was it a more relative everything?"

"The more inclusive option, I'm afraid."

"Huh. MRI?"

"It's impossible to inject the dye marker into her."

"Uh-huh. X-ray?"

"The radiation won't have the correct affect. Our bodies are…shielded, I guess you might say."
"Well I guess I would. And since I can't even use a damn thermometer to see if her temperature's raised because you all have the body temperature of a snowman,"

House heaved himself up off the door frame and over to the stair case. "I don't suppose you'd mind if I put some distance between your daughter and me. Patients give me the willies." House gave and exaggerated shiver and limped back down the stairs, "Oh, and next time you kidnap a handicapped person, you really should make this place more accessible."

As the rest of the Cullens followed their bizarre human captive, Edward set a hand on Bella's shoulder.

"Is there something bothering you, love?" he asked, his expression anxious.

"What…what do you mean?" Bella asked, anxiously looking on as House slowly descended the staircase.

"Earlier, in Alice's room, and when Dr. House awoke…you were not acting like yourself."

"I'm fine Edward. Now, please, we should go see what that jerk comes up with next. I swear, if we put up with this fools antics and nothing comes of it, I'll…" Edward's eyes widened; he'd heard Bella threaten violence before, but never like this. This was serious.

"You'll what, Bella?" Edward asked, voice harsh with anger and surprise, "Break his other leg?"

"Why are you acting like this? Alice might be dying, and you're trying to calm me down?"

"Bella why are you acting like this? You weren't even this angered when you found out about Jacob and Ness."

Bella shrugged off Edward's arm and glowered over at him. "I'm sorry if I'm not acting like an insecure little girl for you anymore Edward, but I've got other things on my mind right now."

"Bella, if this is about something I've done…"
Bella whirled and leaned into her husbands face. "The whole world doesn't revolve around you, Edward!" she shouted, before walking down the stairs. Behind her, Edward almost crumpled to the ground; he had to grab onto the wall to keep from sinking to his knees.

"If the drama club is done performing…" House commented when Bella reached the first floor; the rest of the Cullens were staring at their newest family member in surprise not far removed from Edward's.

Bella sent a venomous glare at House; Emmett, who was closest to her, could hear her teeth grind together. He stepped forward a bit, keeping himself between Bella and House.

"Jazz, dude, I know you're distracted, but I'd really appreciate…" he whispered, too low for House to hear. A sudden wave of calm flooded the house, and Bella grudgingly relaxed. House suddenly looked around in confusion, eyes narrowing again as he pondered the bizarre wave of calm emotion washing over him.

Stranger and stranger…he thought. Twirling a black tipped Sharpie in his hand, he looked around the spacious living room speculatively before limping over to a white painted wall under the staircase and knocking a handful of pictures off of it.

He turned when Esme let out a loud hiss of anger at House's careless regard for her house, "Medical emergency. You understand, right?"

"You…if you damage this house anymore…"

"Here's a thought…if you hadn't kidnapped me, I wouldn't be damaging anything of yours, would I?" House demanded, before uncapping the Sharpie and scrawling on the blank white wall. When he was done, he turned to face the Cullens again.

"So, here we are." He rapped his graffiti with his cane; in bold lettering it said "Living Dead Girl"

"Symptoms include complete paralysis," House scrawled that under his name for the case, "And a total coma." He wrote that under paralysis. He stepped back and admired his handiwork for a few moments. "Of course with no pulse, no heartbeat, and no means of verifying that she's still alive—or whatever state you people are in that passes for alive—how are we to know that she's y'know…alive?"

The Cullens were silent, except for a ragged angry breathing coming from Esme. Still glaring daggers at Dr. House she ground out;

"What is the point of all this?" she demanded.

"It's called a differential diagnosis. As for your wall…" House glanced over his handwriting scrawled on the pristine white wall, "That's what you get for not having a dry erase board handy. You really are lousy kidnappers, you know that?"

The Cullens glared back at the human doctor, who glared right back.

"You people aren't helping. Again, why are you sure we're not just worrying over an empty shell?"

Edward came down from the second floor, with a numb expression still spread across his face.

"All of your explanations are wrong, Dr. House." he said, tonelessly.

"What are you talking about, Sulky?"

"I've been listening to your thoughts, doctor. Every explanation you've come up with to explain what we are has been wrong."
House looked skeptical. "You've been listening to my thoughts, huh? Then tell me, what was I thinking about when I was writing on the wall?"

"You were testing our limits. Trying to see how far you could go before we drew the line and stopped you from acting like the self centered jerk you are."

"Oh obviously. Look kid, I'm sure you're so psychic you can make an educated guess about anything. It's actually called being observant…"

"But what you were really thinking about the whole time and what you were thinking about the whole time you were scouting the house while pretending to look for your 'equipment' is the best way to escape. Not because you care about how interesting we are, but because you want to get Alice away from us and into a hospital. You're actually worried about her, Dr. House, and you're trying to save your patient. From us."

House shrugged. "Yeah, it just breaks my heart to have the poor sick girl here with her psychotic family of delusional freaks instead of draining away my tax dollars while being kept alive in a nice hospital room…"

"Cut it out, House. You care. I know you care. And I can tell Alice is alive because I can see her thoughts. They're what led us to you in the first place; she was having visions of you."

"Oh, so you have a mind reader and a fortune teller in the family?" House demanded, snorting in derision. "Y'know this reminds me of this freak show I went to on Coney Island…"

"…except there was a bearded lady and more drug dealers?" Edward finished,

"What?"

"That is what you were going to say, wasn't it?"

For just a moment, House's hardened expression flickered with doubt,

"Nice try…"

"42."

Houses mouth fell open,

"You were about to ask me what number you were thinking of, and that was it, correct?"

"What…the…hell…" House whispered.

Suddenly, moving so fast House didn't even see him move, Edward darted to House's side and yanked the Sharpie out of his hand.

"There are suddenly a lot more things in the world you can't explain, aren't there?"

House stared, eyes widened as he felt the coldly rational world he'd built for himself crashing down around him,

"But let's work on explaining some of those things, shall we?"

House's eye narrowed again, and a thin smile spread across his mouth.

"There's an explanation for this. There always is."

Edward shrugged, before turning to the wall and writing "Repeated Visions" under "Coma."

"Maybe not this time, Dr. House. And I think you'd be better off not trying very hard to find it."

Houses' smile widened slightly, and he turned from Edward to face the rest of the Cullens.

"Here's what's going to happen," House said, rapping Edward's shoulder with his cane. "I'm going to need three volunteers…" he pointed his cane at Emmett. "You. Disagree with everything I say."

"What?" the enormous vampire demanded, confused.

"Trust me. I've done this before," House said before pointing at Carlisle. "You, agree with everything I say," and finally, he pointed his cane at Bella, "And you, act morally outraged at everything I say."

"This isn't a game, House," Bella growled.

"Good God…" House whispered. "You're perfect at this."

House turned to look at the symptoms scrawled on the wall before turning to Edward.

"Oh, and I almost forgot. You're demoted to life support monitoring. Go stand in your sister's room and let me know if anything in her train of thought changes."

Edward hesitated.
"Do you want to help or not? Get moving!"

With one last angst filled glance at Bella, Edward disappeared up the stairs.

He stopped when he was almost at the top and cursed, loudly.

"Edward, what's going on?" Carlisle asked

"Jacob's on his way back with Renessme."

"What? Why?" Rosalie demanded, looking nervously at Dr. House; the human was watching the byplay with keen interest.

"Because she was worried about Alice and demanded to return, of course." Edward said, an exasperated expression on his face.

"What's the big deal?" House asked. "The more the merrier."

The Cullens ignored the human as they heard the sound of Jacobs car crunching up the gravel drive to the house.

"And it seems he's brought Leah along as well." Edward growled.

Emmet laughed out loud.

"Oh really? If there's one person in the world super-asshole over there…" he pointed at House. "…could get along with, it's gotta be Miss Spite and Bitterness."

Rosalie grinned; even Esme smiled a bit, looking forward to having someone around who might be able to give House even better than he gave, however problematic that person might be.
"I'm surprised she agreed to come with them. She normally avoids us at all costs." Carlisle said, looking curiously at Edward.

"Something about borrowing Jacobs's car, I gather. She's not coming in."

Carlisle signed in relief.

"Wait…oh hell."

"What is it, Edward?" Bella asked, her anger forgotten as she watched Edward's features freeze in a mask of worry.

"They've caught House's scent somehow. Leah's suspicious. She'll investigate why we have a human here…"

"This might be bad," Emmett commented before walking over to House. "Should I take Mr. Misanthropic elsewhere?"

"Too late. They're here."

Jacob's car came to halt, and the Cullens all heard the sound of a door being quickly thrown open.

"Leah wait!" Jacob shouted. "You need to calm down!"

"Fuck off, Jake!"

The front door flew open, and Leah Clearwater ran into the house,
"What are you leaches…up…to…"

She stared at House. Her face froze, demands trailing off. She looked at House like a person seeing the world for the first time. She looked at House like he was the moon, stars and the sun rolled into one being. She looked at House like…a Quileute who'd just imprinted.

House stared back, eyebrows raised.

"And what's your problem?"